My child was rude to me!

[Ivymundane]

I woke up a bit annoyed this morning about an incident yesterday when my child said something to me that just doesn’t sit right.

A bit of background. I have two kids 11 and 7. Eldest is a very mature and very clever girl, always well behaved, always polite with good manners, never in trouble, she is just a genuinely nice person with a good heart and not a bad bone in her body. On Thursday I had to collect her from school as there was a covid case in her class. Her sister was allowed to remain at school as it’s one joint building but separated as she is in the younger years.

During all the lockdowns my eldest was affected but not too badly as she spoke to her friends online daily, played games with them, did FaceTime etc. My youngest is too young for that, and with the age gap my kids don’t play together so my youngest was affected a lot more with no other people to interact with her own age for a long period of time.

I said, “thank god (youngest name) can still go to school though” to my eldest and she said
“Why? So you don’t have to deal with her!?”

I felt like I’d been hit by a bus, I couldn’t even react as I was just so shocked! I never get to go anywhere or do anything as I have absolutely no childcare support at all, so I’m always home, I work from home, I’m always with my kids in the house, I’m always bloody here!!!! And my eldest said this to me (which was rude) in a very platonic tone, almost like she had no idea it was rude, and it was because I do absolutely bloody everything and I always put my kids first.!! It’s like being kicked in the teeth.

She seems to have no idea this was rude, it’s like she way saying it to me as a reaction to a question, rather than saying it as she thought it in her mind, if that makes sense.

I can’t believe my child thinks this, there is no way, so she just must of heard someone else say it, and she’s repeated it to me. Does that make sense?

She would never intentionally hurt someone, she is just a good kid.

Aibu in thinking a family member has said this with her in ear shot (maybe a few times) so she has repeated this without actually knowing what she is implying?

You left yourself open to that with the thank god she can still good school comment. I’d think about how you talk about your children to each other to be honest because you’re setting up a “good child” and “trouble” narrative.

That isn't rude by any means when it comes to teens. Let it go.

She wasn’t rude. Not at all.

I don't get it. She asked a question - that probably reflects her feelings more than anything else - and you've concocted a whole narrative around it involving third parties and analysing whether she knew it was rude etc. But all this comes alongside a rant about how you do everything alone and are always there for them.

Unless she's a robot, she'll be aware that the last year + has been difficult, that school closures are stressful and have noticed the disruption. It feels like you want her to view you as perfect because it's 'rude' not to.

You are paranoid. You were relived your youngest could stay at school, presumably because you wfh and that is nigh on impossible with a 7 year old. If my 13 son had said that about his 7 year old brother, I would have laughed.

I think your dd finds her sister a bit irritating and was projecting how she would feel. Also completely natural.

Also, be careful not to pressure your dd into perfection. Your reaction with have really worried her and taught her that expressing anything other than 'perfect' isn't welcome.

Also, the things that really hurt us are the things that hit on our 'shadow'. The part of us we suppress because we don't like that part of ourselves. A person who believes they are smart is never hurt by someone calling them stupid. Whereas someone who secretly (often even secretly from themselves) believes they lack brainpower would be very stung by being called stupid.

maybe she saw you you've been struggling with youngest and what she said is something she concluded.
you said she's smart.
well, a smart 11 yo can see what's up and tell it how it is.
After all what you said sounded exasperated.

nothing to it.
it's not a critique of your parenting, but an observation.
if you think there's truth to it and that's why it hurts just tell her "yup, you are right. I've found it hard to entertain your sister who missed their friends more.
It's good for her and it's nice to have a break from trying to replace her friends!"

this is how I see it. she wasn't rude.
she sounded worried for you and needs your reassurance.
maybe she'd heard something, sure.
but kids can be sensitive, observant, good at putting 2 & 2 together and not afraid of telling the truth.
"out f the mouths of babes"

The message that I am (maybe incorrectly) getting from the OP is that you feel the older is the ‘nice, easy’ kid and that the younger daughter is more challenging.

If this is coming across at home to your older daughter, it may be the reason she commented as she did.

You are being massively dramatic. Your daughter felt your relief because you said "Thank god" x can stay at school. I don't know why you are making such a massive deal out of 1 comment from an email 11 year old.

Yabu. It is a totally normal comment. My answer would have been - yep! Are you a complete martyr to your family life? Perhaps you should review that?
What is a platonic tone?

I was happy she could stay at school because like I said lockdown affected her the most as she is too young to be online, so she had no interaction with kids her own age, I imagine it’s nice playing games and having fun with mummy, but after so many months it becomes boring playing with the same person as there is no variety. She is a very outgoing child and loves her little friends at school. First morning back was like Christmas morning to her, she was practically jumping up and down that she gets to go back to school, she also really loves her teacher. (She like one of those super nice ones and reminded me of ms Honey from Matilda when I first met her, wish I had a teacher like that!

It wasn't at all rude.

As children get older they are going to want to express more opinions, have more "adult" conversations and be more grown up. If you find this rude you are going to get a nasty shock when she's a few years older.

I think the voting says it all.

I think you're massively over reacting. I'd have taken it as a joke. You're going to have a rough time with teens if you don't get a thicker skin.

Kids always take Mums for granted.

Yabu.. you have no help, no childcare so whoever you thought said it hasn't particularly spent any time with Dd. It makes no sense..unless this is her Dad ?

I sispect your Dd has known your youngest is more challenging.

I have questioned my Ds about things before. They are throw away comments. He just doesn't think.

Your oldest Dd is going to be far more challenging than that comment

Don’t build your emotional well-being around your children’s reactions if you are heading into the teenage years. My 2 DS are lovely but they do come out with some shite. I get told I am the worst mother in the world- I commiserate with them over their bad luck in having me as their mum- 2 minutes later they are fine and asking me to help them with something.
You have to let it wash over you and recognise they don’t have great emotional regulation or filters at that age.

No way, my youngest child is lovely! She’s very independent for her age and also a good child with so much love to give, she’s very affectionate and is funny too, she comes out with some corkers!! I got lucky twice! I have no given the impression she is naughty or anything.

Well you have with the thank god she’s at school comment 😂😂😂😂

Complete over reaction.

I'd have just laughed. You're overreacting completely.

Also, the angel complex you've put on her shoulders simply isn't healthy. She's a kid and she's going to make mistakes.

TBH I would have thought exactly the same thing if you’d said that. Your daughter perhaps doesn’t have the maturity to check herself. As others have said, discuss this neutrally and don’t make it into a big deal, otherwise she’ll stop expressing herself to you at all.

@BakewellGin1

I think you might be worrying too much.

I said similar the other day 'I'm pleased nursery is still open'

Oldest is 12 and responded with 'why so you can sit on the sofa for the morning and don't have to run after him'

He said this as I never sit down as toddler son never stops from getting up to going to bed. Oldest knows he is a handful and he himself likes a break from toddler occasionally.

But the way it was said makes it sound like I love a day on the sofa regularly when in reality I would kill for an hour

I think it was said pragmatically as a statement of fact.

At that age kids do that, oblivious to nuance.

@BakewellGin1Bake I think this is an excellent example.

Could be taken as rude, but is a plain statement of fact.

Your daughter is correctly confirming that you are happy that she can remain in school as being at home has been hard on her sister.

It takes a while for them to develop "delivery" so things can jar a bit on the ears, but aren't meant to be rude of cheeky.

You’re being a huge drama llama

I think you’re jumping to conclusions with the family talking about you thing. Maybe she genuinely wanted to know why you think it’s good that youngest DD is still in school.

You're imagining an offence by your MIL. That won't help your relationship with her.