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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My child was rude to me!

210 replies

Ivymundane · 26/06/2021 08:09

I woke up a bit annoyed this morning about an incident yesterday when my child said something to me that just doesn’t sit right.

A bit of background. I have two kids 11 and 7. Eldest is a very mature and very clever girl, always well behaved, always polite with good manners, never in trouble, she is just a genuinely nice person with a good heart and not a bad bone in her body. On Thursday I had to collect her from school as there was a covid case in her class. Her sister was allowed to remain at school as it’s one joint building but separated as she is in the younger years.

During all the lockdowns my eldest was affected but not too badly as she spoke to her friends online daily, played games with them, did FaceTime etc. My youngest is too young for that, and with the age gap my kids don’t play together so my youngest was affected a lot more with no other people to interact with her own age for a long period of time.

I said, “thank god (youngest name) can still go to school though” to my eldest and she said
“Why? So you don’t have to deal with her!?”

I felt like I’d been hit by a bus, I couldn’t even react as I was just so shocked! I never get to go anywhere or do anything as I have absolutely no childcare support at all, so I’m always home, I work from home, I’m always with my kids in the house, I’m always bloody here!!!! And my eldest said this to me (which was rude) in a very platonic tone, almost like she had no idea it was rude, and it was because I do absolutely bloody everything and I always put my kids first.!! It’s like being kicked in the teeth.

She seems to have no idea this was rude, it’s like she way saying it to me as a reaction to a question, rather than saying it as she thought it in her mind, if that makes sense.

I can’t believe my child thinks this, there is no way, so she just must of heard someone else say it, and she’s repeated it to me. Does that make sense?

She would never intentionally hurt someone, she is just a good kid.

Aibu in thinking a family member has said this with her in ear shot (maybe a few times) so she has repeated this without actually knowing what she is implying?

OP posts:
GreyhoundG1rl · 26/06/2021 11:10

Bloody hell! The poor kid...🤦‍♀️

SengaMac · 26/06/2021 11:14

When both kids are there, you could mention that you're glad your younger child can still be in school with her friends.

bridgetreilly · 26/06/2021 11:18

I was happy she could stay at school because like I said lockdown affected her the most as she is too young to be online, so she had no interaction with kids her own age

I don’t understand (a) why you thought she was being rude and (b) why you didn’t just explain this to her. Either way, you need to get over yourself and let it go.

LindaEllen · 26/06/2021 11:28

I honestly think the only reason you would find this rude is if there was a hint of truth in it, and you were mortified that she seems to have picked up on it.

And honestly, there's nothing wrong with you finding it a PITA when they get sent home. There's millions of parents right there with you!

Sounds like her comment has just triggered typical 'mum guilt' to me!

Peoniesandpeaches · 26/06/2021 11:31

I think it was more rude that while she was dealing with the thought of isolation you thought it appropriate to tell her it was lucky her little sister could go to school. No matter your intention I’d have taken it as a dig and your lucky the response you got was so mild.

Wroxie · 26/06/2021 11:32

This makes me so sad. My mother acted like this - massively overreacting and sulking and crying over her "hurt feelings" over things I said when I was a child. Children make mistakes as they are learning how to talk to and interact with people, and sometimes they get it wrong and they need clear and gentle explanations and corrections. What they DON'T need is to be dragged into a confusing quagmire of adult emotions and problems and then left there to figure out why mum is so upset and left to desperately try to regulate mum's reactions and feelings and to live in a constant state of anxiety and fear of getting it wrong again. It's abusive and if you recognise ANY of this in yourself you need to sort it out IMMEDIATELY. She is a CHILD and you are an adult, get your big girl pants on and act like it.

MarcelineMissouri · 26/06/2021 11:33

MASSIVE over reaction on your part. If my 9 year old said that to me I would laugh and say that’s absolutely right!

Peoniesandpeaches · 26/06/2021 11:34

@SengaMac

When both kids are there, you could mention that you're glad your younger child can still be in school with her friends.
Er no don’t do that. Way to rub salt in the wound! You know she’s also allowed to feel sad at missing school and actually seeing her friends face to face right? That’s a sure fire way to make her feel expendable
HappyAsASandboy · 26/06/2021 11:36

I think she stay have just noticed that you work very very hard, with no help, to look after them. She can probably see that her sister is more work as she will feel that she is more independent. So she was reflecting that your afternoon will be easier because her sister is still in school.

Bright girl; she's not wrong! Your afternoon will have been easier because you didn't have to deal with her younger sister!

GiantWingedWaspMoth · 26/06/2021 11:41

Sounds like a fair comment to me. Why else would you be glad that your youngest can still go to school?

Also, I'm not sure that platonic means what you think it means.

aSofaNearYou · 26/06/2021 11:44

I'm usually one to point out rudeness in children (I hate it) but I'm not seeing why you are so offended by this. Perhaps you had to be there?

I would assume she said it more because she finds DD2 hard work, than that it's an implication you are being lazy. My older sister was a lot more high maintenance than me growing up and me and my mum made lots of jokes to that effect.

If she DID mean you are somehow a lazy mum, I can see why you think that was a bit rude, but I wouldn't have jumped to that conclusion myself.

user1493494961 · 26/06/2021 11:47

I doubt I'm the only one to forsee trouble ahead when your daughter 'finds herself'.

Branleuse · 26/06/2021 11:47

i think maybe youre being oversensitive.
Id have replied with "yeah, everyone needs a break sometimes" or "no not really, I just think its better for her"

GinQueen1844 · 26/06/2021 11:51

Tbf Your daughter sounds quite witty for her age. I wouldn't take offence OP. I'd have probably laughed it off at the time. Don't let it get to you, she sounds very grown up and is probably a bright kid

VeganCheesePlease · 26/06/2021 11:51

I wouldn't read into it too much, OP. She probably just feels a little bit relieved that she can do what she wants and not worry about her little sister. It's not a reflection at all on how much she loves her.

GammyLeg · 26/06/2021 11:52

Huuuge overreaction.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 26/06/2021 11:54

Out of the mouth of babes.
She has seen with her own eyes that looking after her sister is harder work for you than looking after her.
Your relationship with her will change as she gets older if you are lucky.
She is empathetic. Be pleased.

rooarsome · 26/06/2021 11:58

This isn't even within the realms of rude. I'm sorry op, but you have massively overreacted

Melitza · 26/06/2021 11:59

@StormBaby

You are going to need to grow a thicker skin within the next 12 months, or you are screwed!
Absolutely!
Bumpsadaisie · 26/06/2021 12:00

@Ivymundane

I woke up a bit annoyed this morning about an incident yesterday when my child said something to me that just doesn’t sit right.

A bit of background. I have two kids 11 and 7. Eldest is a very mature and very clever girl, always well behaved, always polite with good manners, never in trouble, she is just a genuinely nice person with a good heart and not a bad bone in her body. On Thursday I had to collect her from school as there was a covid case in her class. Her sister was allowed to remain at school as it’s one joint building but separated as she is in the younger years.

During all the lockdowns my eldest was affected but not too badly as she spoke to her friends online daily, played games with them, did FaceTime etc. My youngest is too young for that, and with the age gap my kids don’t play together so my youngest was affected a lot more with no other people to interact with her own age for a long period of time.

I said, “thank god (youngest name) can still go to school though” to my eldest and she said
“Why? So you don’t have to deal with her!?”

I felt like I’d been hit by a bus, I couldn’t even react as I was just so shocked! I never get to go anywhere or do anything as I have absolutely no childcare support at all, so I’m always home, I work from home, I’m always with my kids in the house, I’m always bloody here!!!! And my eldest said this to me (which was rude) in a very platonic tone, almost like she had no idea it was rude, and it was because I do absolutely bloody everything and I always put my kids first.!! It’s like being kicked in the teeth.

She seems to have no idea this was rude, it’s like she way saying it to me as a reaction to a question, rather than saying it as she thought it in her mind, if that makes sense.

I can’t believe my child thinks this, there is no way, so she just must of heard someone else say it, and she’s repeated it to me. Does that make sense?

She would never intentionally hurt someone, she is just a good kid.

Aibu in thinking a family member has said this with her in ear shot (maybe a few times) so she has repeated this without actually knowing what she is implying?

You sound very very sensitive. Like you can't bear your daughter having any negative feelings about you at all. Of she has negative feelings about you as well as all her loving feelings.

You sound like you really need her to be really "nice" and never have an aggressive or angry thought.

tallduckandhandsome · 26/06/2021 12:05

YANBU to be upset. Kids have no idea what it takes to bring them up.

However, you should talk to her and explain calmly why it’s good dc is back at school and how it has nothing to do with not waiting to deal with her.

Brushing it under the carpet does your dd no favours.

tallduckandhandsome · 26/06/2021 12:06

@rooarsome

This isn't even within the realms of rude. I'm sorry op, but you have massively overreacted
Of course it’s rude.
zingally · 26/06/2021 12:15

I don't think it's rude at all!

It sounds like a rather astute and accurate observation to me!

You need to have a cup of coffee and forget about it.

RightYesButNo · 26/06/2021 12:29

@madamedesevigne

I voted YANBU by accident! To me it sounds like an attempt at a smart comeback like ones you might see on TV.
@madamedesevigne You can just click “YABU” and it will change your vote. You can even do it to change your vote between YANBU/YABU after a drip feed or something.
BastardMonkfish · 26/06/2021 12:31

What an over reaction!