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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My child was rude to me!

210 replies

Ivymundane · 26/06/2021 08:09

I woke up a bit annoyed this morning about an incident yesterday when my child said something to me that just doesn’t sit right.

A bit of background. I have two kids 11 and 7. Eldest is a very mature and very clever girl, always well behaved, always polite with good manners, never in trouble, she is just a genuinely nice person with a good heart and not a bad bone in her body. On Thursday I had to collect her from school as there was a covid case in her class. Her sister was allowed to remain at school as it’s one joint building but separated as she is in the younger years.

During all the lockdowns my eldest was affected but not too badly as she spoke to her friends online daily, played games with them, did FaceTime etc. My youngest is too young for that, and with the age gap my kids don’t play together so my youngest was affected a lot more with no other people to interact with her own age for a long period of time.

I said, “thank god (youngest name) can still go to school though” to my eldest and she said
“Why? So you don’t have to deal with her!?”

I felt like I’d been hit by a bus, I couldn’t even react as I was just so shocked! I never get to go anywhere or do anything as I have absolutely no childcare support at all, so I’m always home, I work from home, I’m always with my kids in the house, I’m always bloody here!!!! And my eldest said this to me (which was rude) in a very platonic tone, almost like she had no idea it was rude, and it was because I do absolutely bloody everything and I always put my kids first.!! It’s like being kicked in the teeth.

She seems to have no idea this was rude, it’s like she way saying it to me as a reaction to a question, rather than saying it as she thought it in her mind, if that makes sense.

I can’t believe my child thinks this, there is no way, so she just must of heard someone else say it, and she’s repeated it to me. Does that make sense?

She would never intentionally hurt someone, she is just a good kid.

Aibu in thinking a family member has said this with her in ear shot (maybe a few times) so she has repeated this without actually knowing what she is implying?

OP posts:
AppleKatie · 26/06/2021 09:02

I would assume it was a sisterly dig at her younger sibling, and nothing to do with you.

This.

She’s 11 so her head was probably full of what she was going to do during her isolation period/upset at missing school/social events etc… when you said thank goodness her sister could stay in school she felt a bit jealous and rationalised it for herself by saying at least she wouldn’t have to put up with her….
Bending over backwards to pin this one on your mil is bizarre in the extreme.

Cocomarine · 26/06/2021 09:02

What a bizarre post!

Your daughter wasn’t rude at all, and I cannot imagine why you think an 11yo might actually have their own opinion from their own observations. It’s just odd that you jump to thinking she’s repeating someone else’s.

Even more, it was you who invite her to opine by sharing your own thoughts with her on your younger child.

Which is perfectly fine by the way, but if I were looking to throw in some drama here, it would be warning you about parentification of your older child.

You really need to calm down!

LagunaBubbles · 26/06/2021 09:03

You are completely over reacting and its clearly tapped into some issues you have about your family and being on your own.

worktrip · 26/06/2021 09:04

I don't think she really understood the affect on you, so it's worth talking to her. It sounds like a phrase she has just heard somewhere and repeated. DS (8) said 'what are those punks doing in our driveway) about some workmen waiting there. I explained it's rude and to stop repeating what he hears on you tube.

Maggiesfarm · 26/06/2021 09:05

I don't think she was rude exactly, more tactless. Have a good chat with her about it, if you haven't already, to find out why she said it. Of course she could have just been talking off the top of her head, not really meaning it but in your place, op, I would want to know what prompted the remark.

I feel sorry that you have been made to feel so sad by this.

Holly60 · 26/06/2021 09:07

@romdowa

Maybe your oldest finds your youngest difficult to deal with herself?
This was my initial thought. Maybe she finds her sister tough and just assumes you feel the same way…
GalesThisMorning · 26/06/2021 09:07

OP, do you have other things in life you enjoy, aside from your children? Maybe if you don't have hobbies or friends etc these comments gain undue significance.

A friend of mine has, what appears to me, an odd relationship with her daughter. She claims they are best friends and never wants to anything without her daughter as it's not as much fun. When her daughter entered the 12 year old eye rolling, omg mum don't, leave me alone stage she was devastated. She would cry about it, the same way you might cry if your husband slammed the door in your face and shrieked get out of my life. She was so fixated on their relationship being best mates that she couldn't accept the normal adolescent behaviour for what it was.

You need to have more in your life than just kids, imo. What your daughter said was not rude, and your reaction suggests that you need to build some perspective.

BiBabbles · 26/06/2021 09:08

It may be something someone said. It may be something she's picked up from media - lots of shows and online stuff have the harried mother who just wants a break. It may be how she's feeling after so much time with her sibling that she's projecting onto you. She may be just making assumptions from her own observations of you. It may be a mix of these and other factors.

At 11, I don't think it's a bad thing to let our kids know when they've hurt our feelings thoughtlessly and to discuss how we and others are affecting them. Mine have made a few comments over the years that were like a kick to the gut or just seemed a really off way of interpreting things, but going over it with them has been an interesting way to see how they thing - even if either of us end up in tears - and at times their input has made me a better parent. It may be better in this case to allow the comment to lie, but I agree with others that discussing it may be worthwhile too.

Zanzibar55 · 26/06/2021 09:08

I really don't think that was rude. It sounds like an off the cuff, fairly lighthearted question.
I don't understand why you are so hurt by it, unless you feel guilty about your younger daughter, and a comment about it has touched a nerve.
Just let it go. As many others have said, you might be dealing with real rudeness when the teenage years hit.

OnTheBrink1 · 26/06/2021 09:11

@Balaur

I think you're completely over-reacting. You'd better gird your loins for the rapidly approaching teenage years because that sort of comment is going to become commonplace. I'm speaking as mother to a former mature, sweet, never in trouble etc etc girl. She's not morphed into a monster at 16 but there's opinions, sarcasm, disregard for anyone else's feelings (normal for teenagers). I think you've just had a taste.
This! You will look back in 4 yeas at this post OP and laugh. I’m afraid this is the tip of the teenage iceberg!
moomin11 · 26/06/2021 09:12

I don't think you're overreacting OP, you are clearly taken aback by what was said and it hit a nerve as you do a lot for your children, that's understandable. But I agree with what other people have said, kids pick up things from elsewhere and repeat them and there isn't always the intent there as if an adult was saying it. My DD is 6 and was talking about a sleepover at her grandparents', pre-covid she used to have sleepovers there occasionally. But this time she said to give you a break mummy. It made me feel really sad, as even when I do feel worn out I try so hard not to show it. Her grandparents then asked about having her over to stay and mentioned the whole giving me a break thing so I imagine that was said to DD and is why she repeated it to me.

georgarina · 26/06/2021 09:12

Sounds like you have unreasonably high standards for yourself and also DD (and possibly in general?)

People are allowed to not be perfect - they're allowed to be relieved when their kids go to school, and equally to make flyaway comments.

Just try to relax a bit.

ObviousNameChage · 26/06/2021 09:12

First of all, there was a very prevalent message on SM during the lockdown that kids are being "dealt with". Lots of exasperation, exhaustion and "can they go back yet,I had enough!". Blogs,articles,videos, conversations between friends etc , a lot of them with that message. Like it or not, that will get assimilated by children . Either by hearing/witnessing it directly or from their friends.

Secondly, no matter how awesome and amazing your kids are that doesn't mean your eldest can't find the youngest hard work herself and extend that to you as well. Especially if she sees you running around after her all day, playing games ,entertaining her etc. while the eldest is happily playing online with her friends and needed a lot less attention.

BlueberryMill · 26/06/2021 09:13

Sounds like she was trying to empathise with you. I feel for her if you overreact this much to something so innocuous

VettiyaIruken · 26/06/2021 09:13

If you've got this far without your child saying something rude to you, you've done well!

MrsMaizel · 26/06/2021 09:14

It may be difficult for you to grasp currently but these same daughters will hate you at times in the future - well at least act like they do . She is growing up for goodness sake and is merely showing some independent thought and opinions.

ApolloandDaphne · 26/06/2021 09:14

Crikey, she is just 11. She has no idea how you feel about your life and caring for them. She just made an off the cuff remark. You had better brace yourself for her teen years!

georgarina · 26/06/2021 09:15

*Or is it more that you get the feeling a family member is acting like you're not a good parent, and that's why it got to you?

I had a health breakdown a few years ago and couldn't work even though I desperately wanted to, and was very upset when youngest Dsis made a snarky/sarcastic comment along the lines of 'Yeah, you just don't want to work.'

IdblowJonSnow · 26/06/2021 09:15

Yabu op.
Sounds like a misjudged comment.
Please try to forget it.

FurrySlipperBoots · 26/06/2021 09:15

11-12 is when kids start trying out humour/sarcasm where they might sometimes get the tone wrong.

I was going to say this. I remember my mum pulling me up for this sort of thing at that age, but as far as i was concerned I was either joking, or just 'saying things people say'. It's a time when children's vocabulary is widening and they're transitioning from talking like a child, to like an adult. Naturally they make mistakes, in the same way babies fall down when they're learning to walk.

That doesn't mean you shouldn't correct her when what she says comes across as rude, of course you should, but you can't let it wound you to the core!

godmum56 · 26/06/2021 09:16

@MindTheBumps

Is the youngest hard work? You say a lot about how good your oldest is but don't really mention the younger one?

I ask because that is a comment my oldest would say about my youngest and it wouldn't be a reflection on me but entirely on the fact the youngest is difficult and we all need some time out from him sometimes.

this was my thought too. I don't see the comment as rude at all.
Hoppinggreen · 26/06/2021 09:16

Teenage years are not going to be fun for any of you unless you lighten up
I don’t tolerate rudeness from my DC (12 and 16) but that was nothing

Hairymoohead · 26/06/2021 09:17

You are really overthinking this and it's obviously an issue where your sensitivity levels are set at too fucking high. Take a breath, move on! You have the teen years to deal with yet and at this rate of going you'll have hit maximum steam coming out of your ears level for an eye roll!

Halo1234 · 26/06/2021 09:17

You a massively massively over reacting.
Get a grip.
This is no biggie. Dont make a mountain out of every little thing she says slightly wrong. Its obvious that as a single mother who is working having your youngest at school is far easier than having to deal with her at home. Its obvious hence she said it. Dont make a drama. She didn't say anything awful.

Jellybabiesforbreakfast · 26/06/2021 09:17

You are hugely overreacting. She didn't mean to be rude and she was more tactless than anything else. She sounds like a lovely girl.