My child was rude to me!

[Ivymundane]

I woke up a bit annoyed this morning about an incident yesterday when my child said something to me that just doesn’t sit right.

A bit of background. I have two kids 11 and 7. Eldest is a very mature and very clever girl, always well behaved, always polite with good manners, never in trouble, she is just a genuinely nice person with a good heart and not a bad bone in her body. On Thursday I had to collect her from school as there was a covid case in her class. Her sister was allowed to remain at school as it’s one joint building but separated as she is in the younger years.

During all the lockdowns my eldest was affected but not too badly as she spoke to her friends online daily, played games with them, did FaceTime etc. My youngest is too young for that, and with the age gap my kids don’t play together so my youngest was affected a lot more with no other people to interact with her own age for a long period of time.

I said, “thank god (youngest name) can still go to school though” to my eldest and she said
“Why? So you don’t have to deal with her!?”

I felt like I’d been hit by a bus, I couldn’t even react as I was just so shocked! I never get to go anywhere or do anything as I have absolutely no childcare support at all, so I’m always home, I work from home, I’m always with my kids in the house, I’m always bloody here!!!! And my eldest said this to me (which was rude) in a very platonic tone, almost like she had no idea it was rude, and it was because I do absolutely bloody everything and I always put my kids first.!! It’s like being kicked in the teeth.

She seems to have no idea this was rude, it’s like she way saying it to me as a reaction to a question, rather than saying it as she thought it in her mind, if that makes sense.

I can’t believe my child thinks this, there is no way, so she just must of heard someone else say it, and she’s repeated it to me. Does that make sense?

She would never intentionally hurt someone, she is just a good kid.

Aibu in thinking a family member has said this with her in ear shot (maybe a few times) so she has repeated this without actually knowing what she is implying?

The comment is very likely a non-issue. Probably something she has heard in the playground. Just her trying to sound a grown up. It is certainly not rude.

The only reservation to what I have said above is if in fact your elder daughter herself finds her younger sister hard to “deal with”. I was struck by your comment that they never play together “because of the age difference”. I don’t think that the age difference is enough of a reason, of itself, for them never to play together (it hasn’t been in my family anyway). Of course there will be many times the 11 year old wants to do more grown up things. But most 11 year olds would still find some pleasure in playing with a 7 year old sibling whom they get on with. So it’s worth exploring this a bit.

It’s also worth talking to your DD1 about what she meant. Not accusing her of being rude. Just asking gently.

As a single patent with children and work as your whole world it’s easy to take things to heart. Try to find something that is just for you. Not easy to do I know.

I honestly don't know what you expected after making the thank god comment! What do you think that sounded like to her? I hope you reassured her after her remark that that wasn't what you meant.

So you express relief that your youngest can still go to school and your eldest calmly draws a logical conclusion from that?

Massive, massive over reaction.

I also agree with others that she wasn't being rude. She is growing up so of course she is going to ask questions and challenge you on things.

And agree with pp, why don't they play together they're only 4 years apart?

You heard it as her thinking they are a chore.

That's not how I interpreted her comment.

I assumed youngest was perhaps opposite of her sister and harder work and she was just commenting on this fact.

You need to ask her what she meant. But be prepared for her not actually meaning anything and it just being a throwaway comment.

I can’t see what she has said wrong either. If I heard a parent say thank god x can stay at school I’d have thought the same as she did.

I never get to go anywhere or do anything as I have absolutely no childcare support at all, so I’m always home, I work from home, I’m always with my kids in the house, I’m always bloody here! someone who thinks this needs expressing IS finding her children a chore.

@pastapestoparmesan

I think you’re making a massive unnecessary drama from one throwaway comment, from a child you describe yourself as polite and well-behaved. I literally wouldn’t give it another moment of thought.

This, in spades.

If you think this is rude, in the kindest of ways I think you need to consider why your daughter is so polite - is she worried about your reactions.

🙄

That's pretty mellow rude, so not worth being so wound up about it.

And frankly, she owns the words. She's 11; she didn't hear it anywhere else, although she'd probably pretend she had if she realised you were so upset about it.

11 year olds can and do think and speak for themselves. Even yours.

It wasn’t rude, maybe she was telling the truth?!

Dear god, you are easily shocked and I wish you well with the teenage years as you ain’t seen nothing yet!

No I think she is just growing up and realising that actually its probably hard work for you to deal with a child at home who is too young to do much independently and interact with her friends much, while you're working. Most people found having their kids at home while they were working, 'hard to deal with'. It doesnt mean they feel like their kids are a burden or they don't love them or resent looking after them. Maybe she found it hard being around her younger sibling if they were struggling.

You say how nice your daughter is and instead of seeing it as a throwaway comment showing a bit of empathy, or expressing how she felt about a time that most people found hard, you jump to the conclusion that she is repeating some nasty gossip...

It seems strange for you to be upset by what is basically a pretty harmless question. Could it be because there is an element of truth in it?

Maybe because you do all the parenting unsupported you have put a lot of pressure on yourself to be a perfect parent, who never gets frustrated and never needs a moment to herself.

And you seem to expect this perfection from your daughter as well. A lot for her to live up to. No-one is sweetness and light 100% of the time.

Your daughter is actually trying to see things from your point of view and empathise with your difficulties. This is actually a mature thing to do - some people don't see their parents as separate people with their own needs and struggles until they are well into adulthood!

Are you sure over the last 18 months you never once made a comment /got exasperated /showed fatigue about the whole situation ? I most certainly have and I would think my kids have some awareness of it. She wasn’t being nasty as you said but having to work full time at home and mind kids isn’t feasible so actually she was pretty spot on because that’s probably what you meant when you made the comment that she replied to.

Well you started it by saying "Thank God"
DD was just reacting to that and probably trying to make a bit of a joke out of it.
Total overreaction.

I think you're overacting. I'd barely have registered this comment. It would have got a response along the lines of..I know she is a bit of as handful when stuck indoors, poor thing is bored out of her mind.

You are overreacting, she is trying to use sarcasm. I’d have relied “too right” on that 🙈

We make jokes like that all the time in our house

My dd is a couple of years older than yours. She was just like you describe. Mature, astute, well-behaved, very loving, caused very few issues etc. Now, a couple of years on she’s changed a lot. She’s become a teen.

Your dd’s brain is just about to go through a massive rewire. It’s a process from being a child’s brain, which works for a child but not for an adult. So she’s going to have to relearn lots of skills in an adult way and a bunch of new ones. Young teens in many ways are like giant toddlers, swinging from between 2 and 18. It’s brutal for the parent and confusing for the child. But totally necessary for them to pull away.

You’re making a drama when there was none to be had. Your dd is only 11 and by the sound of it still in primary. As others have said, you have no evidence she’s copying a relative and if you react like this, in the future, you’re in for a Rocky ride. Your self esteem and self worth should not be wrapped up in your children. They don’t owe you some kind of debt because you have chosen to always put them first.

Blimey. Due to the rather long winded backstory I was expecting something much ruder! Had to scan it again to see if I was missing something.

I haven't the least idea what a 'platonic tone' is.
If, at 13, this is the 'rudest' she's been in recent memory, you're doing extremely well: imagine being residually annoyed the following day! I hope you're doing a good job of hiding it.
Poor girl.

OP you are massively, massively overreacting. It means nothing (except perhaps that big sister possibly thinks little sister would be a bit of a pain stuck at home...and that's a perfectly normal sibling kind of a thing). Brace yourself, because your polite, kind eldest is fast reaching the point where she will push boundaries, be sarcastic, snap at you, say things that sound a little inappropriate. And yes, even the nicest, sweetest, most loving ones do all of this. If you are going to get yourself this wound up every time, you are in for a very bumpy ride.