My child was rude to me!

[Ivymundane]

I woke up a bit annoyed this morning about an incident yesterday when my child said something to me that just doesn’t sit right.

A bit of background. I have two kids 11 and 7. Eldest is a very mature and very clever girl, always well behaved, always polite with good manners, never in trouble, she is just a genuinely nice person with a good heart and not a bad bone in her body. On Thursday I had to collect her from school as there was a covid case in her class. Her sister was allowed to remain at school as it’s one joint building but separated as she is in the younger years.

During all the lockdowns my eldest was affected but not too badly as she spoke to her friends online daily, played games with them, did FaceTime etc. My youngest is too young for that, and with the age gap my kids don’t play together so my youngest was affected a lot more with no other people to interact with her own age for a long period of time.

I said, “thank god (youngest name) can still go to school though” to my eldest and she said
“Why? So you don’t have to deal with her!?”

I felt like I’d been hit by a bus, I couldn’t even react as I was just so shocked! I never get to go anywhere or do anything as I have absolutely no childcare support at all, so I’m always home, I work from home, I’m always with my kids in the house, I’m always bloody here!!!! And my eldest said this to me (which was rude) in a very platonic tone, almost like she had no idea it was rude, and it was because I do absolutely bloody everything and I always put my kids first.!! It’s like being kicked in the teeth.

She seems to have no idea this was rude, it’s like she way saying it to me as a reaction to a question, rather than saying it as she thought it in her mind, if that makes sense.

I can’t believe my child thinks this, there is no way, so she just must of heard someone else say it, and she’s repeated it to me. Does that make sense?

She would never intentionally hurt someone, she is just a good kid.

Aibu in thinking a family member has said this with her in ear shot (maybe a few times) so she has repeated this without actually knowing what she is implying?

I'd probably hear that and laugh, then tell her not to be so mean. She's 11 and it's absolutely typical of them to come out with such crap. If you think that's offensive though, give it a couple of years.

(And OP I agree with you, it was a rude comment).

What a silly overreaction. That wasn't at all rude. You are making a mountain out of a molehill.

Just let it go. If that is the worst you ever get out of a pre-teenager you should count yourself very lucky indeed.

Buckle up OP. You have a long, stressful road ahead of you if this is your reaction to a comment from an 11 year old. Have a conversation with her. And good luck with the teenage years

I would hate for you to have a real problem if you are losing it over it

@Longestfewdaysupcoming

Well you have with the thank god she’s at school comment 😂😂😂😂

And also with my eldest is lovely and so well behaved and polite (in opening post) but no such words said about the youngest

i think you're overthinking it.. but if my oldest said that, i'd certainly challenge him on the spot and ask what he meant by it.

There's some things that come out of their mouths that you really need to question/challenge at the time, not leave it til later.

I really don't think that's rude!

I actually think it may even be a bit how she feels. Perhaps she literally sees how busy you are and that a younger child needs more input and so she thought that. I think it would depend a lot on the tone.

Let it go would be my advice!

Even by MN standards this is an overreaction.

Calm down op, your tween made a throwaway comment she's probably heard somewhere else.

Honestly if that's the worst thing she's ever said to you you've had it pretty easy. My 6yo can top that most days.

Aibu in thinking a family member has said this with her in ear shot (maybe a few times)

Is the family member abusive?

I would've thought your DC's comment was a joke really, like, dry humour, everyone's had enough of their kids during Corona etc. Especially as you say she has a nice temperament.

She probably has heard some grown ups say it.

Totally agree with @Mountaingoatling

This is a pre-teen trying out sounding like an adult and trying to show some camaraderie with you. It's about them, not you. When my 10 year old does this (often about his younger sibs too) I just try to continue the interaction in an adult way and think about their development.

Things you could have said:

"Younger children can seem like hard work can't they? We all need a bit more adult support at that age"
"But actually I was thinking of the things she has already missed out on (invite them to think about how things have been different for both of them)"
"So I'm glad she doesn't miss out today"
"How are you feeling about coming home early?"

You sound like you're projecting your insecurities into your eldest.
You probably don't want to deal with her. I wouldn't want to home school again! It's a passing comment, and probably (correctly) observed by your eldest. It doesn't make you a bad mum. It makes you human!
I enjoy summer holidays as no school work. I love being with the kids. 2 weeks at home in isolation would be awful!

I think you're going to need a tougher skin to survive the teenage years!

Blimey, rude in my family is a string of expletives, yelled at high volume...

My DM wouldn't have registered I was even speaking in the situation you describe.

I think your right why it’s hit a nerve, even though my daughter said it, I heard it come from my MIL’s mouth. ( I didn’t react to my daughter in anyway obviously, I just said nothing and she couldn’t even see my reaction because we was talking to each other in different rooms)

It makes me smile everyone saying brace for the teenage years, I’m very aware that due to this thread I have come across as a snowflake. Don’t worry I can handle it. Unfortunately my childhood was a living hell and nothing my kids could do or say would top the experiences, so I’m good.

Of course I have friends and my own hobbies. I run my own business too. I do have a life.
Whilst they are out of school though I don’t because no one is here to have them, so outside of school hours and holidays, when they are around my life has to revolve around them because there isn’t anyone else to do it for me. I could get in paid childcare but due to my past I’m very uncomfortable with that.

@Matildatoldsuchdreadfullies

Seriously... that’s rude?

I don’t think all teenagers are automatically horrible (and I have four of them), but if you think that’s rude, the teenage years are going to be an absolute nightmare.

Yep. It's going to get a lot worse!

Jesus OP. Talk about melodramatic!!! I'd have laughed to be honest.

Please drop this and remember your daughter is lovely. Do you feel personally insulted often? You would find my 10 year olds humour and sarcasm very distressing 🤣

I think you are desperate to put on the face of the perfect family, perfect parent and this showed the cracks that it is not as perfect as you like to think it is.

Wow 😮 this really isn't her being rude and you are definitely over reacting.

Just wait to see what's coming your way over the next few years and again when your little one hits puberty.

You'll be soon finding out what's rude and if this tiny back handed comment is upsetting you so much, I suggest you toughen up very quickly

She was probably trying to be in cohorts with you, like a bit of bonus you two time. They don't really 'get' tone at that age

I think you are in danger of putting your eldest on a pedestal
I suggest you read your op again and look at how you describe your eldest. You don’t really say anything about your youngest and maybe your eldest is picking up on this unevenness in how you look at her compared to her sister. I think there is something more going on and the remark which I think was a throw away but insightful comment has somehow chipped that pedestal.
I really can’t believe you would think what your eldest said was rude.
I would say most people haven’t been able to go anywhere for the last year or so and pandemic apart the fact you don’t go anywhere isn’t up to your children. If you wanted to go out you would make it happen.

I had to read this twice to try and find the rude comment. It didn't occur to me that her question was in any way rude. It might have been unexpected but not rude by any normal standard.

Is that you, Mum?

My mother still brings up entirely innocent remarks I made to her when I was about the same age as your daughter - I'm nearly 53.

She ALWAYS attributed adult motives and reasoning behind remarks I made when I was a CHILD! Last time she did it, I snapped and said 'Mum, I was fucking 11, a child, how could have you, a grown woman of 37, taken ANYTHING I said at that age seriously?'

My mother takes herself far too fucking seriously and has zero sense of humour. She's also never apologised for anything she's ever said or done, either. I'm very LC with her, which is easy as I now (deliberately) live on the other side of the world from her.

Oh and my mother called me a bitch on my 11th birthday (we were living in what was called at the time a 3rd world country, it was a pretty poor birthday). She meant it. This was in front of my two brothers and father. I've spoken to my brothers about it since and they, like me, have no idea why. But I would guess that it was probably because I'd made a silly thoughtless remark - probably about how crap my birthday was - that no one (but my mother) took seriously.

She's never apologised for that. Have I ever mentioned it to her? No. But she still feels entitled to throw my silly innocent remarks (nothing anywhere near as awful) in my face 40 years later...