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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to feel so upset

220 replies

Skyblu · 23/06/2021 08:29

My 19yr old son has refused his Covid vaccine. I feel so upset.
His father & I both have underlying illnesses and were in the shield group. His father is more at risk than me. With only 40% lung capacity, we prepared ourselves that Covid would probably have killed him (seen him on a ventilator at least!). We have both now had 2 jabs.
My parents are in their late 70’s and vulnerable, my brothers family have asthma, my brother-in-law has collapsed lung. All ‘vulnerable’, all had two jabs.

My son thinks it’s enough that we have all had our jabs, so he doesn’t need to and that it’s his decision. Which I know it is. I just can’t understand his mentality and am beyond hurt that he doesn’t want to do whatever he can to protect his loved ones.

I feel disappointed and let down by him and that his attitude is selfish. He’s not basing his opinions on fact, he’s listened to scaremongering amongst mates (& hates injections), that’s all.

We are all a close family and I am so embarrassed to tell them that he has decided not to have the vaccine but equally I cannot live with myself by not telling them and having everyone mix with my son. I know they’ve all been jabbed but just ‘what if’ my son bought it n and one of the vulnerable people got really sick? How do you live with that?

I’d have had my right hand chopped off if it had meant protecting my Grandma (when she was alive!). Why won’t my son do the same to protect his own Grandpa who he is that close to??

I can’t stop crying about it. Feel so hurt. And I know this is the end of my extended family as this is not going to go down well. ( My brother will hit the roof and this will cause huge arguments). But I feel obliged to tell them so they have the choice as to mix with him or not.

I know the anti-backers will come on and say it’s his choice....I know it is. I just thought I’d raised my son to be less selfish and care for his family.

OP posts:
Frownette · 23/06/2021 08:33

Ah ok - I think some people don't understand that it's about not passing it on to anyone.

Take a deep breath, try to talk to him about it? What are his fears?

DeflatedGinDrinker · 23/06/2021 08:37

My close relative is the same. Apparently the vaccine is a tracking chip and will eventually kill us 🙄 I don't engage in that conversation anymore. Their choice.

Sirzy · 23/06/2021 08:38

It is his choice but at the same time I would be disappointed too. You would hope the family situation would help him look at the situation differently wouldn’t you?

thisplaceisweird · 23/06/2021 08:39

anti-backers?? You mean anti vaxxers?

He sounds like a selfish dickhead. I'd refuse to see him till he gets it. Does he live in your house?

kittie01 · 23/06/2021 08:39

His body his choice

StCharlotte · 23/06/2021 08:40

It sounds drastic but could you tell him he needs to move out (even if you don't mean it)? You get to make choices that affect your health too.

tallduckandhandsome · 23/06/2021 08:41

@kittie01

His body his choice
But OP’s home.

Tell him anyone living in your house needs to get vaccinated,

Skyblu · 23/06/2021 08:41

Tried talking to him - massive row. He’s SO stubborn he wouldn’t even listen to me and went right off on one.
I think he’s scared about having an injection (childish as that sounds). He also listened (daily) to his old boss who was dead against the vaccine, although m son has not taken on any facts about why not, he’s just saying ‘I’m not having it, my choice, if it’s so great then you’ll be fine anyway because you’ve had it’.

I wrote him a letter. Accepting his decision but stressing the ‘passing it on’ and keeping Covid active thing. Telling him he must tell people he’s not had it so they can chose to be around him or not and asking him to REALLY consider from all perspectives.

I don’t know if he read it. He hasn’t mentioned it. He hasn’t even opened his letter from NHS inviting him for jab. :-(

OP posts:
JellyTumble · 23/06/2021 08:41

I’ve had my jabs; I’m not an anti-vaxxer. But it’s his body and his choice; he shouldn’t be guilted or emotionally manipulated into it.

HappyCamperT5 · 23/06/2021 08:41

If you've had your jabs what the problem ..

recklessgran · 23/06/2021 08:42

I do sympathise OP but he's 19 and at that age they all think they and everyone else is invincible. Our 22 year old grandson said he wouldn't be having it as he'd heard that it might affect his future fertility. I didn't offer up any argument as it is his choice to make and his life to live but he has now booked his first jab. I asked him what changed his mind and he said it was because he's realised that he'll never be able to go abroad without having one. There was no mention in there about trying to protect the elderly and vulnerable in our family including his beloved Grandad. DGS is the most charming, thoughtful and lovely young man but as I said he's 22 and really not thinking about the bigger picture. It's not personal OP - he's just being a typical teenager and we all know that they're not always sensible but then again they haven't got the years of wisdom we have!

JellyTumble · 23/06/2021 08:42

Telling him he must tell people he’s not had it so they can chose to be around him or not

He doesn’t have to tell anyone anything. It’s nobody else’s business whether he’s had the jab or not.

Tiari · 23/06/2021 08:45

You've brought him up well, in my opinion. He's decided for himself and is sticking to it. It's not selfish to put yourself first in a serious decision like this.
You should feel proud.

Skyblu · 23/06/2021 08:45

He told me he’d move out if necessary! (He has nowhere to go and doesn’t earn enough to support himself fully like that yet). He’s just being so immature!

I discussed with my husband whether we should threaten that...it’s not ideal, but not ruled out yet either.

OP posts:
TheoMeo · 23/06/2021 08:45

JP Morgan bank in the US have announced they won't employ people unless they've been vaccinated.
The going abroad thing might change his mind at that age.

Palavah · 23/06/2021 08:47

It would not be unreasonable to tell him to live somewhere else if he's not going to have it.

Skyblu · 23/06/2021 08:48

reckless gran

Thank you!! I think you are right. That does make me feel better xx

OP posts:
tallduckandhandsome · 23/06/2021 08:49

@Skyblu

He told me he’d move out if necessary! (He has nowhere to go and doesn’t earn enough to support himself fully like that yet). He’s just being so immature!

I discussed with my husband whether we should threaten that...it’s not ideal, but not ruled out yet either.

Call his bluff and tell him to move out.
aSofaNearYou · 23/06/2021 08:50

Does he live with you, OP? I don't think it is purely his choice in that case, though he could of course choose to move out if it was that important to him not to have it.

I feel for you, I'd be disappointed in him too.

Skyblu · 23/06/2021 08:51

jelly tumble

He doesn’t have to, you’re right. But I’m not going to sit back and let him mix with the people I love and care about in this world knowing his putting them in danger when they are completely unaware.
I won’t allow that, so yes, under my rules, he does at least need to tell them.

OP posts:
Lagomtransplant · 23/06/2021 08:52

Remind him that, if he does catch covid and end up in ITU, there will be weeks full of needles and worse.

I know a few people for whom realising this was a screeching sharp u-turn.

Northernshepherd · 23/06/2021 08:53

You might find he tells them and they don't actually care because they have had their jabs and they have some perspective. Here's hoping. Poor kid.

Frownette · 23/06/2021 08:54

@recklessgran oh god isn't that the truth - they really do brush off COVID with a shrug of the shoulders "I won't get ill" but the jabs are societal, it's about not harming anyone else.

OP I would continue questioning him about why not. It sounds like he doesn't realise what it is for not that he's trying to deliberately hurt you.

aSofaNearYou · 23/06/2021 08:54

@Tiari

You've brought him up well, in my opinion. He's decided for himself and is sticking to it. It's not selfish to put yourself first in a serious decision like this. You should feel proud.
Proud? If he were being decent he would be actively engaging with the science and weighing up the pros and cons, not ignoring and shouting down any discussion about the actual science in favour of a knee jerk reaction about something that could seriously affect half of his family.

There are people who have thought through their decision not to get it, but this is not that. Let's not try and paint it as somehow admirable and positive. His behaviour is NOT a source of pride.

Itsstartingtorainout · 23/06/2021 08:56

Your son is an adult, what medical treatments he chooses to accept are up to him. You have both been vaccinated, so if what we are told is true, you should be protected.

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