AIBU to feel so upset

[Skyblu]

My 19yr old son has refused his Covid vaccine. I feel so upset.
His father & I both have underlying illnesses and were in the shield group. His father is more at risk than me. With only 40% lung capacity, we prepared ourselves that Covid would probably have killed him (seen him on a ventilator at least!). We have both now had 2 jabs.
My parents are in their late 70’s and vulnerable, my brothers family have asthma, my brother-in-law has collapsed lung. All ‘vulnerable’, all had two jabs.

My son thinks it’s enough that we have all had our jabs, so he doesn’t need to and that it’s his decision. Which I know it is. I just can’t understand his mentality and am beyond hurt that he doesn’t want to do whatever he can to protect his loved ones.

I feel disappointed and let down by him and that his attitude is selfish. He’s not basing his opinions on fact, he’s listened to scaremongering amongst mates (& hates injections), that’s all.

We are all a close family and I am so embarrassed to tell them that he has decided not to have the vaccine but equally I cannot live with myself by not telling them and having everyone mix with my son. I know they’ve all been jabbed but just ‘what if’ my son bought it n and one of the vulnerable people got really sick? How do you live with that?

I’d have had my right hand chopped off if it had meant protecting my Grandma (when she was alive!). Why won’t my son do the same to protect his own Grandpa who he is that close to??

I can’t stop crying about it. Feel so hurt. And I know this is the end of my extended family as this is not going to go down well. ( My brother will hit the roof and this will cause huge arguments). But I feel obliged to tell them so they have the choice as to mix with him or not.

I know the anti-backers will come on and say it’s his choice....I know it is. I just thought I’d raised my son to be less selfish and care for his family.

I guess the fear is.....and I know the chance may be small but it’s still there....

WHAT IF....
What if my unvaccinated son catches Covid in all its glory and is no worse than if he’d caught regular flu/bad cold BUT my vulnerable DH with 40% lung capacity, (or my DF, 70’s & vulnerable) catches it unknowingly from DS and despite vaccine, because they are so close they catch it bad and end up in hospital, alone and then die.

DS has to live with that on his conscience for he rest of his life.
I’m his mother. I know how hard that would be and wouldn’t want my son going through that.
I also have to live with the fact that my sons actions effectively killed his father or my father.
The rest of the family live knowing that my DS’s decision effectively killed their family member.

What then? We all live happily ever after and say, oh well, his choice, they were old so it doesn’t matter.

I know that’s worse case scenario - but it’s a real scenario. It’s happened in thousands of other families so could happen in mine.

That’s what’s in the back of my mind.

@AlternativePerspective

I find it interesting that many of the same posters crying out “his body his choice” are equally critical towards parents who refuse to let their children have the MMR because “they’re being selfish and putting others at risk - not just their own children.”

Choosing not to have the vaccine doesn’t just put him at risk, it puts other people at risk. Those people who for genuine reasons can’t have the vaccine. But hey his body his choice and who cares who else might die in the process eh?

I have no qualms about telling someone who refuses to have the vaccine just because they don’t want it that they’re a selfish twat. Yep, his body his choice, my opinion, my choice to voice it.

So for me he could choose not to have the vaccine, but that means that I will choose to tell him exactly what I think of that choice.

Admirable my arse.

My 18 year old was actually first vaccinated in February because he went with me to my appointment and we asked if there were any spare so he was vaccinated and then fully vaccinated along with me in April. His fellow college students have now all booked their vaccines in the past few days.

And yes, I think it’s perfectly ok to prevent foreign travel or even refuse to employ people who have not been vaccinated, or if you employ them put a clause in their contract saying they will not be entitled to paid sick leave should they fall ill with COVID given they have chosen not to be vaccinated.

If you start putting clauses in like that, you need to do it with illness' like flu too as their is a jab for it.

[quote Lagomtransplant]@HopelessBlue192

What an utter load of bo//@€%$!!! Thanks to the likes of you, dangerous lies are spread that end up costing people their lives! I hope you're ashamed of yourself and your complete lack of understanding of anything remotely scientific.

Not a vaccine because it's less than 3 years old! Now I've heard it all![/quote]
Exactly! Corona viruses/sars have been around for years and the scientists have been researching/studying this

Tell him to find somewhere else to live if he can't protect his family.

Fuckwit.

OP,

First off deep breathing and try not to upset yourself so much.

He is a very stubborn young man and they just deal their heels in more.

I feel you should be VERY respectful of his decision to not have the jab as it IS his right and it IS his body.

However, that means he has to move out and HE as an adult needs to respect your decision to protect yourself and those you love.

Where he goes is NOT your concern.
Do not engage with him as to what his options are, just calmly tell him that he needs to collect his things and move out.

Be very firm, no discussion whatsoever.

This happened recently to someone I know and she didn't get the least bit upset. Her 20 year old was spouting theories too.

She told her son that she wasn't interested in his views, she was only interested in protecting her health and that of her parents and that he would need to vacate the house by the date of his jab.

He did try to discuss it but her🤚attitude was far more effective than any endless discussion with him.

I wouldn't force a child of mine but we have been very careful with our health and continue to be, despite vaccination.

This is your house and your rules.

He needs to vacate the premises if he doesn't wish to follow your rules.

He ISN'T more important than the families health and any misconception on his part about that needs firm clarification.

My kid in his 20s refuses to have it as well. But he moved out at the start of it all because he had no intention of behaving differently. He can get on with it if he wants. My 14 yr old wants the jab and is frustrated he can't yet.

I'm not sure what you can do OP. Kicking him out over it will damage your relationship. You could humour I suppose to show him he's being ridiculous. But the. We have grown adults banging on about 2023 and being a bit dim about the whole thing. There may be no hope.

I think you're not unreasonable to be upset.
But you're also not unreasonable to not want him bringing Covid into your home. So I'd just be very factual:

Thanks from seeing our POV and offering to move out. Do you need help packing? Have you somewhere to stay until you get your own place?

As for telling your family - not so sure. On the one hand it is his own decision to tell people. On the other you know they would want to know and not put themselves, as you all see it, at risk.

Do you have a family WhatsApp or something? How about a message like "can t keep track of who's vaccinated, how about checking up with friends family before you see them, in private."

And then you can all get on with your lives.

Yabu. The flu or a cold could be a problem for some of your family members. Does he get a flu jab every year?

I have no qualms about telling someone who refuses to have the vaccine just because they don't want it that they're a selfish twat
And I have no qualms in telling someone who has been injected with an experimental drug that they're an idiot.

It's his choice unfortunately OP

your son is an adult and adults get to make their own choices and those choices have consequences. if one of those consequences is that you have decided that is privelege of living with you cannot be continued well that seems fair to me.

"I know that’s worse case scenario - but it’s a real scenario. It’s happened in thousands of other families so could happen in mine"

Is that true though?? That thousands of people have died from covid AFTER having both doses of the vaccine.

I read an article recently which said that a lot of people who were very vocally against vaccination to begin with, have since got the vaccination. I think thats because at this stage we nearly all know someone who's had covid. Also my own experience of the workplace is that the vast majority of people getting the jab sort of influence those who aren't so sure about it.

So I'd say there's hope for him yet.

If all the medically vulnerable members of your family have been vaccinated, then you don't need to mention his status to anyone. And if they know that he's un-vaccinated and start to kick off, just hold up your hand and say to them that he's an adult who makes up his own mind, and to take it up with him as you're not going to discuss his choices.

When our children grow up its so hard sometimes to accept that they are adults with their own opinions; I clash with both of mine occasionally. They of course think I'm a dinosaur who knows nothing. But they are as entitled to their opinions and beliefs as I am, even when i know they're wrong!

OP, he's a teenager still and they're a stubborn and selfish lot.

He won't get the jab because you've made him feel guilty or appealed to his better nature.

He'll get it next year when his friends can go on holiday overseas and he can't.

@Tiari

I have no qualms about telling someone who refuses to have the vaccine just because they don't want it that they're a selfish twat And I have no qualms in telling someone who has been injected with an experimental drug that they're an idiot.

Happy to reap the reward of other people having it though man I really hope we get vaccine passports, so certain types just stay out of societies way.

Seriously if you force your son into getting the vaccine ANYTHING that then happens to him health wise thereafter will always be because of the vaccine and therefore you fault.

Don’t even go there. It has to be his choice and by his choice I mean genuinely his choice without any coercion from you.

His body, his choice absolutely. But he does have to live by his choices. I'd be telling him that whilst you respect his choices, he has to respect yours, so if he's not prepared to have the vaccine then he needs to leave and have limited contact with yourself, if the other adults, such as dh, dp etc are happy to continue seeing him then that's up to them

@Tiari

I have no qualms about telling someone who refuses to have the vaccine just because they don't want it that they're a selfish twat And I have no qualms in telling someone who has been injected with an experimental drug that they're an idiot.

@Tiari if you know someone who injected themselves with an experimental drug you should really contact poison control for this poor person.

@Skyblu I understand your concerns and they are even more valid with Delta variant and questions around the efficacy of AZ to it.

Hi op,what a nightmare for you.
First thing,try your best to stop worrying,it doesn't achieve anything🌺
And it's getting you increasingly upset and him irate.
Perhaps if you backed off and allowed him to calm down he won't feel pushed into it and will do it off of his own bat.(and won't feel he's 'giving in').
Deep breaths! What will be,will be,you've tried your best,planted the seed in his head.wait to see if it grows.🌈

The vaccination protects the person who has been vaccinated from developing serious illness if they catch covid. It does not block you from catching covid or indeed from spreading it. Your DS doesn’t need to be vaccinated in order to protect you so his argument is actually correct. The vaccine would protect him, not you. You’re vaccinated so you’re as protected as you can be.

It's his choice (however misguided) not to have the jab, but it's your choice to continue allowing him to live in your home. Being an adult has its downsides - your parents are no longer obliged to home you.

I’d have had my right hand chopped off if it had meant protecting my Grandma

You wouldn’t have though, would you? That would have been beyond what you would be prepared to do. This is beyond what he is prepared to do.

I wouldn't ask him to move out as I don't think that will help things. As pp said, he's more likely to change his mind when he can't do things like travel, attend events or work in certain places due to no vaccine. Does he mind taking LFH tests?

@Skyblu

Really?? There are thousands of people who have died having had two vaccines because an unvaccinated person made them ill?

Are you sure about that?

I’ve had my vaccines and I work in the industry.

I am really concerned about the level of panic and emotional blackmail and coercive control you seem to be trying to assert over your adult son.

It’s really really scary.

I have just read your post again. Did you really write him a letter insisting he shares his medical information with all and sundry?

If your daughter fell pregnant and had a termination, would you insist she told every prospective partner she ever met, before meeting them, so that they could be aware of the tiniest chance of it having a compromising effect on her fertility?