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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to feel so upset

220 replies

Skyblu · 23/06/2021 08:29

My 19yr old son has refused his Covid vaccine. I feel so upset.
His father & I both have underlying illnesses and were in the shield group. His father is more at risk than me. With only 40% lung capacity, we prepared ourselves that Covid would probably have killed him (seen him on a ventilator at least!). We have both now had 2 jabs.
My parents are in their late 70’s and vulnerable, my brothers family have asthma, my brother-in-law has collapsed lung. All ‘vulnerable’, all had two jabs.

My son thinks it’s enough that we have all had our jabs, so he doesn’t need to and that it’s his decision. Which I know it is. I just can’t understand his mentality and am beyond hurt that he doesn’t want to do whatever he can to protect his loved ones.

I feel disappointed and let down by him and that his attitude is selfish. He’s not basing his opinions on fact, he’s listened to scaremongering amongst mates (& hates injections), that’s all.

We are all a close family and I am so embarrassed to tell them that he has decided not to have the vaccine but equally I cannot live with myself by not telling them and having everyone mix with my son. I know they’ve all been jabbed but just ‘what if’ my son bought it n and one of the vulnerable people got really sick? How do you live with that?

I’d have had my right hand chopped off if it had meant protecting my Grandma (when she was alive!). Why won’t my son do the same to protect his own Grandpa who he is that close to??

I can’t stop crying about it. Feel so hurt. And I know this is the end of my extended family as this is not going to go down well. ( My brother will hit the roof and this will cause huge arguments). But I feel obliged to tell them so they have the choice as to mix with him or not.

I know the anti-backers will come on and say it’s his choice....I know it is. I just thought I’d raised my son to be less selfish and care for his family.

OP posts:
HappyCamperT5 · 23/06/2021 12:26

@Moonwhite

Hearing "his body his choice" about vaccinating during a pandemic makes me want to projectile vomit at my phone. Just pathetic.

I doubt you'd be so passive and accepting if it was someone who came into contact with a vulnerable member of your family.

Get a grip.
aSofaNearYou · 23/06/2021 12:27

*OP, I have had my vaccinations, I am as pro-vax as they come, but your pressuring, emotional blackmailing and manipulation of your son are unforgivable.

Covid won't always loom as large in your life as it is now. When that day comes, do you still want to have your son in your life?*

Guess it depends how much she still wants to have her husband and dad in her life. You can only really use the "it's not worth falling out over" argument if you assume nothing bad will happen as a result of him not getting it.

silverbubbles · 23/06/2021 12:27

Once he needs his jab to go on holiday go to a club or something like that he will get it.

aSofaNearYou · 23/06/2021 12:29

@Tiari

I feel the DS should move out. He'll be better off emotionally and psychologically because this type of toxic parenting (in my opinion) is just awful.
Oh my heart bleeds for the poor 19 year old adult who won't have an actual mature discussion with his mother about this, even considering his vulnerable dad, whilst living with them rent free. It must be so tough for him living with that!
JediGnot · 23/06/2021 12:30

Not sure what the problem is - unless he want's to live with or visit you or anyone else in the family, in which case he'd be in for some serious disappointment if I were you, OP.

Babyroobs · 23/06/2021 12:32

My 19 year old son is having his today. Like you his dad is extremely clinically vulnerable. I have double checked that he is ok with having it but would understand if he doesn't want to.

boringcreation · 23/06/2021 12:38

@HappyCamperT5

If you've had your jabs what the problem ..
This! Even with the vaccine you can still pass it on, so the main thing is to get the vaccine yourselves.
Toomuchspinning · 23/06/2021 12:39

@aSofaNearYou

Because his mother crying her eyes out, offering to amputate her limbs in a theoretical proposal, assuming the family will be torn apart forever and over inflating the risks is so mature, isn’t it?

SwimSwim · 23/06/2021 12:43

@AlternativePerspective that's not really the same though as MMR is used on children as children are at real risk of the damage caused by these illnesses. The risk of being seriously ill or dying from covid for a healthy child is so minimal. Whereas the vaccine is still in trial phase and the long term effects aren't known. I'm not anti-vax at all as I've had my first and even paid for chickenpox vaccines for my children but covid poses such a small risk to them, I don't feel it necessary to vaccinate them when we don't know the long term effects. The risk of the unknown outweighs the miniscule chance they'll react badly to covid or pass it to a fully vaccinated relative.

OP you're massively overreacting here as you are all as protected as you can be and your son should be able to make his own choices without ill-informed pressure being put on him. This is the issue with all the fear mongering, we trust other vaccines that have a much lower uptake, why don't you trust this?!

Vivi0 · 23/06/2021 12:52

I think if the OP was going to have a mature conversation with her son, she would have approached it from HIS perspective, and what not having the vaccine would mean for him - potential travel restrictions, not being able to go to clubs/festivals etc. Or perhaps the OP thinks that her son doing any of those things is also selfish and putting them all at risk too.

The crying, guilt tripping, shaming and not understanding why her son won’t do what she would do, feels like a loss of control to me.

a8mint · 23/06/2021 12:53

I know this is the end of my extended family as this is not going to go down well. ( My brother will hit the roof and this will cause huge arguments). But I feel obliged to tell them so they have the choice as to mix with him or not.

You do not have the right to share your son's medical history with anyone!

Coyoacan · 23/06/2021 12:54

We've all been through so much the past year and a half. For some people that shows when they become unbearably anxious despite being double jabbed (like you) and for some it shows in distrust in medicine and the government (like your son)

This

I imagine your son must have had to isolate over and above what everyone else of his generation had to, in order to keep you and your husband covid-free. It is a shame that there is no appreciation of this sacrifice he already made.

SpeakingFranglais · 23/06/2021 12:55

I feel for you OP, I would also be very angry and disappointed if this were my son and my father DID die from Covid because someone brought it into the home where he was in respite and it killed him. Ironically, the week before he was due to have his first vaccination.

My DC took it as soon as they had the first whiff of an opportunity to get it.

I agree with a number of other posters on here, I think for lots of young people the threat of not being able to take up certain jobs or travel abroad will be sufficient for the to take the jab, and then peer pressure will take over. No one wants to be the only one of their mates that is missing out.

BiBabbles · 23/06/2021 12:59

@BastardMonkfish

We've all been through so much the past year and a half. For some people that shows when they become unbearably anxious despite being double jabbed (like you) and for some it shows in distrust in medicine and the government (like your son)

Neither POV is particularly reasonable or even logical but it is what it is. Let's show a bit of kindness to each other while we're figuring it all out.

You said it much better than I could, absolutely - things have been so hard and stressful, it doesn't need to get ultimatums.

He told me he’d move out if necessary! (He has nowhere to go and doesn’t earn enough to support himself fully like that yet). He’s just being so immature!

And, with that immaturity in mind, I wouldn't bet on that 'nowhere to go', but maybe more like nowhere good to go. I'd be concerned he might jump to whoever in his circles makes that moving out easiest - even if they aren't really safe. Plenty of young adults take that risk -- some do well with it, and some really don't.

Todaytomorrowyesterday · 23/06/2021 13:00

It is his choice.

Both husband and I have been fully vaccinated, I wasn’t sure about my18 year old having it (i dont know why just felt that way) But it’s her choice and she was very eager to have it and has done - I didn’t tell her my reservations as that’s my issue not hers.

mangojango · 23/06/2021 13:02

Not everything is about you! What if he genuinely thought it would harm him? His body. His choice.

If you're vaccinated, you're protected.

You really need to check your boundaries.

It's a dangerous, slippery slope to try and get everyone to take a vaccine (even if they don't want it).

Say you really didn't agree with a vaccine in the future and someone forced you to have it or guilt trip you. How would you feel?

And no, I'm not anti vaxx and yes I've had the vaccine. I'm pro freedom.

MrKlaw · 23/06/2021 13:07

there are probably thousands of people that are scared of needles that got the jab. I'm sure they have systems in place to look after those - numbing cream etc (and its way less than a big injection as you know)

PassionfruitOrangeGuava · 23/06/2021 13:12

YABU.

I'm far from an anxi-vaxxer, I've happily had mine.

But he gets to decide what he wants to do about his own healthcare and body OP. Not you. You're wailing about how it'll go down with the family but that's not your information to share, that's his private healthcare information to share if he chooses to do so. If anyone asks about him having the jab you can tell them you're not sure and that they should ask him if they're interested.

YABU to expect him to go out of her way to tell everyone he spends time with he hasn't had it. If people think that's important when deciding who to see, they can ask.

This may all be a big bluster because he's terrified of needles (you say he's scared) and he doesn't want to admit that's the reason... but it's his choice.

The vaccine is great. I'm glad most people are taking it. I have, most people I know have. If someone I knew decided not to then I'd support that completely, it's their decision, not mine.

iBrows · 23/06/2021 13:13

If he wants you to go on anti anxiety medication because of your impact on the family, will you do that for him? Maybe you can make a deal…

aSofaNearYou · 23/06/2021 13:16

[quote Toomuchspinning]@aSofaNearYou

Because his mother crying her eyes out, offering to amputate her limbs in a theoretical proposal, assuming the family will be torn apart forever and over inflating the risks is so mature, isn’t it?[/quote]
She said that in her post, she didn't say she said those words to him, and even if she did, it's a metaphor, she's hardly going to be stood there with a kitchen knife to prove her point is she.

hardboiledeggs · 23/06/2021 13:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hardboiledeggs · 23/06/2021 13:23

My apologies I take my post back, I though your meant a covid test. I've been vaxxed but I'd much rather my kids weren't. No one knows what will come out about the vaccine in the years to come, I'm happy to take the risks but not happy for my kids to take it.

Famousinlove · 23/06/2021 13:25

What's the point in you getting the vaccine? You clearly think it doesn't work if you've had it and still think you or vaccinated loved ones will die of covid

PurpleOkapi · 23/06/2021 13:26

You're not being unreasonable to be upset. You are being unreasonable to take it upon yourself to inform others, and to blame him for what you think those others' reactions will be. Your at-risk relatives should consult their own doctors about whether it's safe for them to be around unvaccinated people. If not, they - not you - need to take the initiative to ask about vaccination status. If they choose not to spend time with your son because of safety concerns, that's reasonable. If you're upset about no longer having shared family time with them and your son, that's also reasonable. But if they're angry with your son because they believe your son owes it to them to get vaccinated so they can spend time with him, that's not reasonable because he doesn't owe them that. If their anger with him causes you to be angry with him because now you're in the middle of a bunch of drama, that's misplaced blame.

Shiftdust · 23/06/2021 13:33

Think you need to really consider the ramifications it will have on your relationship if you pressure him into leaving the house and or having the vaccine.

The rejection might cause some very serious divides - could he just be testing you? Or rebelling? I think if you ask him about his friends there must be someone who has taken it, maybe they can make him see sense, but it does need to be his decision.