AIBU to feel so upset

[Skyblu]

My 19yr old son has refused his Covid vaccine. I feel so upset.
His father & I both have underlying illnesses and were in the shield group. His father is more at risk than me. With only 40% lung capacity, we prepared ourselves that Covid would probably have killed him (seen him on a ventilator at least!). We have both now had 2 jabs.
My parents are in their late 70’s and vulnerable, my brothers family have asthma, my brother-in-law has collapsed lung. All ‘vulnerable’, all had two jabs.

My son thinks it’s enough that we have all had our jabs, so he doesn’t need to and that it’s his decision. Which I know it is. I just can’t understand his mentality and am beyond hurt that he doesn’t want to do whatever he can to protect his loved ones.

I feel disappointed and let down by him and that his attitude is selfish. He’s not basing his opinions on fact, he’s listened to scaremongering amongst mates (& hates injections), that’s all.

We are all a close family and I am so embarrassed to tell them that he has decided not to have the vaccine but equally I cannot live with myself by not telling them and having everyone mix with my son. I know they’ve all been jabbed but just ‘what if’ my son bought it n and one of the vulnerable people got really sick? How do you live with that?

I’d have had my right hand chopped off if it had meant protecting my Grandma (when she was alive!). Why won’t my son do the same to protect his own Grandpa who he is that close to??

I can’t stop crying about it. Feel so hurt. And I know this is the end of my extended family as this is not going to go down well. ( My brother will hit the roof and this will cause huge arguments). But I feel obliged to tell them so they have the choice as to mix with him or not.

I know the anti-backers will come on and say it’s his choice....I know it is. I just thought I’d raised my son to be less selfish and care for his family.

Toomuchdpinning

No, because a daughter having a termination doesn’t put anyone else’s life at risk. I think my point flew completely over your head!

Toomuchspinning
Also, read again because I did not state that he should tell every person he’s ever met or ever likely to.

I’m talking about the vulnerable people in my family.

Thank you for your helpful responses.

If he moves out do you really never ever want to see him again in case he gives you covid? Or flu?
Will you never in fact meet anyone again unless they can prove to you that they have had a vaccine?

@NerdyBird

I wouldn't ask him to move out as I don't think that will help things. As pp said, he's more likely to change his mind when he can't do things like travel, attend events or work in certain places due to no vaccine. Does he mind taking LFH tests?

I don't understand why people keep saying "oh he'll get it when it stops him travelling" as if that's a good thing. So he won't get it because he has any concern over keeping his family safe, but he will get it when it inconveniences him? I know people say "teens are selfish" but jfc, that doesn't mean I wouldn't be extremely disappointed with such a selfish outlook. And to think there are people here that think OP should be proud of him over this.

Because if that’s the case and I was 19 I’d be out of there pronto!

He has more risk from the vaccine than he does from Covid, both minute but they exist.

He has no idea of the long term impacts on fertility and health, none of us do, it’ll probably be fine but we don’t know.

I think it’s selfish of the family to expect him to be forced (and you are emotionally and financially forcing him) to have a medical procedure he doesn’t want.

You’ve been jabbed, your risk is lower, you are all at risk from other illnesses (did you write him a letter about his flu jab?).

Completely wrong of you all.

@Skyblu

Toomuchspinning Also, read again because I did not state that he should tell every person he’s ever met or ever likely to. I’m talking about the vulnerable people in my family.

Thank you for your helpful responses.

Not going to acknowledge the thousands of covid deaths after both vaccination query op?

That’s a shame, he sounds quite arrogant about it and that’s not good given your families ill health. My son is also 19 and as soon as carers could sign up he did. He’s had both his - I have crohns (have been shielding due to treatment) and my son is asthmatic & asd. He has been absolutely fine no side effects etc. I didn’t even mention to him or ask him to get it he did it off his own back. How would your son feel if he caught Covid and passed it on to someone in your family who then became really unwell?..
Maybe he’ll change his mind but I think you need to be quite firm about this and him mixing with you all.

I'm high risk and was shielding, if one of my children showed so little concern for my well-being and for the well-being of the vulnerable older family members that they refused the vaccine then they would need to find somewhere else to live. If that caused them hardship then I'm afraid that would be the choice they had made.

Yes their body, their choice. But also my body, my choice not to live with someone who cares so little about me and the vulnerable people I care about that they put us all at risk.

And yes, I think it’s perfectly ok to prevent foreign travel or even refuse to employ people who have not been vaccinated, or if you employ them put a clause in their contract saying they will not be entitled to paid sick leave should they fall ill with COVID given they have chosen not to be vaccinated.

People get ill or injure themselves as a result of poor/dangerous choices all the time. You can’t refuse someone sick leave because they could have potentially avoided becoming ill.

It's an awkward age, many of this age know the benefits from having the vaccine however there are some been swayed by conspiracy theroies.

My older teens have shown me ridiculous videos against the vaccines, one doctor trying to stick keys and hair clips to her chest and shouting all over the place about someone explain this to her, I wouldn't mind but they kept falling off 😂

Anyway, where we live they haven't even started thinking about doing this age group yet but we have discussed it. While my kids are half and half about the vaccines I have explained to them that while we the parents are vaccinated their disabled sister isn't and even if she does get vaccinated, the protection is something like 30% due to her medications and health. I have explained that if they get covid and pass it to her she will die. You see we're also up against this with strangers and family and friends , people who don't want the vaccines and will be in my dds company, even though they think they'll be fine, well my dd won't. By having vaccinated people around her they won't shed dangerous amounts of the virus. You can tell your ds that he is going to be around people who have low immune systems, on medications that will stop the vaccines from working fully. Even people who have RA are at risk being around unvaccinated people. My dh has RA, his methotrexate affects his immune system, even having the vaccines he is not fully protected. Your ds can easily be in a person's company who is vulnerable.

On another note going on holidays he's going to come up against needing the 2 jabs. We've booked holidays for next year and we've already been given the requirements for entering that country, it's going to be a nightmare for those not vaccinated.

The way I look at it, is that these vaccines have been tested, OK they got them done quick, but having Huntingtons disease myself I am very aware of how long trials and testing takes, but that's because not everyone is affected, if the world had Huntingtons disease we'd have a vaccine in no time. Because the world is affected by covid every scientist got on board to create a vaccine, billions was put into this. Most countries have strict testing rules, very strict trials and they don't just pass anything, we are just use to everything taking much longer and the minute something is done faster people are weary.

@Skyblu

Your point did not fly over my head.

The reason I used that example specifically was because (arguably, and I’m clearly playing devils advocate) someone’s fertility does affect other people’s lives, doesn’t it?!

And yes. I’d still like to know about this 1000s of dead people who have been double vaccinated who contracted it from an unvaccinated family member.

The vaccine isn't 100% effective but it's a lot more effective than nothing

To put it in context, while not 100% effective, if you have had both jabs you should be fine if it is transmitted to you. OP, you are acting as though your vulnerable family will be at deaths door if they do catch it. That would be extremely unlikely post-vax and certainly it should not be serious enough (if transmitted) that it should be used to guilt someone. I’m a medical professional and hell would freeze over before I treated my child as you are doing in the situation, let alone the hand wringing going on.

The aspect you haven’t covered is an obligation for herd immunity to protect those who can’t be done. This isn’t your worry though, and to come in at this point and claim it is would be somewhat disingenuous, the sole worry seems to be morbidity of immediate family who are covered and where it shouldn’t be an issue. Not sure I’m even a fan of people this age being ‘forced’ into it for herd purposes tbh at this point. I have one who has chosen not to get it who would like to sit back and look at what transpires with myocarditis in younger males before being done. I’m fine with that, and still would be if we had vulnerable people here who’d been vaxxed, and there is no way I would compromise their personal health information as you are doing with your son - reprehensible. My others have chosen to be done and I’m also fine with that. We all live happily together.

We've all been through so much the past year and a half. For some people that shows when they become unbearably anxious despite being double jabbed (like you) and for some it shows in distrust in medicine and the government (like your son)

Neither POV is particularly reasonable or even logical but it is what it is. Let's show a bit of kindness to each other while we're figuring it all out.

I’d have had my right hand chopped off if it had meant protecting my Grandma (when she was alive!). Why won’t my son do the same to protect his own Grandpa who he is that close to??

I can see why the conversation you had with your son went into a row when you are saying things this like.

Do you guilt trip your son often, or just in relation to the COVID jab?

If he doesn’t want the vaccine, he doesn’t want it. You are all fully vaccinated. Your son doesn’t need the vaccine to protect all the vulnerable members of your family, they have taken the steps to protect themselves.

Reading your posts have made me feel very, very uncomfortable. You have not once said that you are worried about your son catching COVID and him not being vaccinated. You seem more concerned with your brother “hitting the roof” when he finds out.

Everyone - THANK YOU!

Your replies have been really helpful overall.

To those that agreed/empathised - THANK YOU!

To those that disagreed and stated your arguments as to why and with fact - THANK YOU!

I really needed that, that’s why I posted and this thread has been incredibly helpful.

I’m likely to no longer respond/check thread as I have the clarity I needed to get myself over the way I felt, so just wanted to say Thank You.

(& To those that resorted to nastiness or personal attacks, hey ho! Never going to listen to you guys no matter what your opinions may be on anything. But thanks for dropping by).

@Skyblu

My 19yr old son has refused his Covid vaccine. I feel so upset. His father & I both have underlying illnesses and were in the shield group. His father is more at risk than me. With only 40% lung capacity, we prepared ourselves that Covid would probably have killed him (seen him on a ventilator at least!). We have both now had 2 jabs. My parents are in their late 70’s and vulnerable, my brothers family have asthma, my brother-in-law has collapsed lung. All ‘vulnerable’, all had two jabs.

My son thinks it’s enough that we have all had our jabs, so he doesn’t need to and that it’s his decision. Which I know it is. I just can’t understand his mentality and am beyond hurt that he doesn’t want to do whatever he can to protect his loved ones.

I feel disappointed and let down by him and that his attitude is selfish. He’s not basing his opinions on fact, he’s listened to scaremongering amongst mates (& hates injections), that’s all.

We are all a close family and I am so embarrassed to tell them that he has decided not to have the vaccine but equally I cannot live with myself by not telling them and having everyone mix with my son. I know they’ve all been jabbed but just ‘what if’ my son bought it n and one of the vulnerable people got really sick? How do you live with that?

I’d have had my right hand chopped off if it had meant protecting my Grandma (when she was alive!). Why won’t my son do the same to protect his own Grandpa who he is that close to??

I can’t stop crying about it. Feel so hurt. And I know this is the end of my extended family as this is not going to go down well. ( My brother will hit the roof and this will cause huge arguments). But I feel obliged to tell them so they have the choice as to mix with him or not.

I know the anti-backers will come on and say it’s his choice....I know it is. I just thought I’d raised my son to be less selfish and care for his family.

Yes, i feel your pain, Op. My ds, aged 15 can't wait to be able to have it but my sister and Niece have refused. It's so, so selfish. I almost begged them to have it to protect my 81 year old mum but they won't. It sickens me because they are letting all of us protect them. My mum only lost my dad 16 months ago, just weeks before we locked down. My sister and Niece still expect to see my mum so we have said the times they visit they must socially distance from her/us in the garden. It is hurtful and insulting that they won't protect others (with no real reason for refusal given) but some people are just very, very selfish.

Reading your posts have made me feel very, very uncomfortable. You have not once said that you are worried about your son catching COVID and him not being vaccinated. You seem more concerned with your brother “hitting the roof” when he finds out.

Tbf, OP has multiple highly vulnerable people in her family to worry about, most of us aren't that worried about 19 year olds.

The fact that he believes none of you can catch it because you've had both jabs shows how uneducated he is. A relative of mine had her 2nd jab in May and caught the delta variant 3 weeks ago. She is late 70s and just starting to recover (luckily) now. Although quite poorly she didn't need hospital treatment.

@Ohmygoshandfolly

The vaccination protects the person who has been vaccinated from developing serious illness if they catch covid. It does not block you from catching covid or indeed from spreading it. Your DS doesn’t need to be vaccinated in order to protect you so his argument is actually correct. The vaccine would protect him, not you. You’re vaccinated so you’re as protected as you can be.

Exactly. OP YABVU ..

@Skyblu I appreciate you thanking the contributors.

But I really would like to know where your figure of 1000s of double vaccinated people dying has come from.

I am high risk (cancer) and I am vaccinated. But I don't know if the antibodies are there (more tests due next month). So in my mind the more vaccinated the less likely I will get Covid even if the vaccine doesn't work for me.

I feel very vulnerable and a trying to keep myself safe whilst letting my children (teens) have freedom.

It's a horrid place to be, I'm being ostrich like and not thinking about it. And when I read your position OP it makes me sad.

Also, to those who think the the young don’t need it because they will be fine, my daughter has unfortunately just got Covid and, despite already having one jab, she is suffering with it. We are just hoping she doesn't suffer with long Covid.

I’m so sorry to hear that. I hope your DD recovers quickly.

To add. I’m a long Covid sufferer. It can happen to anyone, including those who are young and healthy, there’s no telling who is at risk sadly. That alone makes it hard for me to understand why people won’t take the jab to protect themselves against that risk.

[quote Toomuchspinning]@Skyblu I appreciate you thanking the contributors.

But I really would like to know where your figure of 1000s of double vaccinated people dying has come from.[/quote]
Why are you pushing this so hard? It doesn't matter what the figure is, it can still happen and that is what concerns OP. Even if she answers your question, it's not going to be some great trump card.

From the CDC:

"Studies show that COVID-19 vaccines are effective at keeping you from getting COVID-19. Getting a COVID-19 vaccine will also help keep you from getting seriously ill even if you do get COVID-19."