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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to feel so upset

220 replies

Skyblu · 23/06/2021 08:29

My 19yr old son has refused his Covid vaccine. I feel so upset.
His father & I both have underlying illnesses and were in the shield group. His father is more at risk than me. With only 40% lung capacity, we prepared ourselves that Covid would probably have killed him (seen him on a ventilator at least!). We have both now had 2 jabs.
My parents are in their late 70’s and vulnerable, my brothers family have asthma, my brother-in-law has collapsed lung. All ‘vulnerable’, all had two jabs.

My son thinks it’s enough that we have all had our jabs, so he doesn’t need to and that it’s his decision. Which I know it is. I just can’t understand his mentality and am beyond hurt that he doesn’t want to do whatever he can to protect his loved ones.

I feel disappointed and let down by him and that his attitude is selfish. He’s not basing his opinions on fact, he’s listened to scaremongering amongst mates (& hates injections), that’s all.

We are all a close family and I am so embarrassed to tell them that he has decided not to have the vaccine but equally I cannot live with myself by not telling them and having everyone mix with my son. I know they’ve all been jabbed but just ‘what if’ my son bought it n and one of the vulnerable people got really sick? How do you live with that?

I’d have had my right hand chopped off if it had meant protecting my Grandma (when she was alive!). Why won’t my son do the same to protect his own Grandpa who he is that close to??

I can’t stop crying about it. Feel so hurt. And I know this is the end of my extended family as this is not going to go down well. ( My brother will hit the roof and this will cause huge arguments). But I feel obliged to tell them so they have the choice as to mix with him or not.

I know the anti-backers will come on and say it’s his choice....I know it is. I just thought I’d raised my son to be less selfish and care for his family.

OP posts:
Youhavesomethinginyourteeth · 23/06/2021 11:16

This thread has made me very grateful that I come from a family that respect my decisions and wouldn't emotionally blackmail me into having an experimental vaccine. Long term side effects still unknown. Why would you want your son to take that risk? You're all vaccinated, what do you think is going to happen?? Even the precious vaccinated can still transmit and get covid. Jesus.

Toomuchspinning · 23/06/2021 11:17

@aSofaNearYou

Because I think proportion and perspective are everything here.

According the CDC, NHS and WHO, early signs are that vaccination may help to reduce transmission. The signs are that it is helping but it’s not a completely defined statistic.

The OP is in a state, thinking about having her family torn apart and her son move out, over an undefined percentage of protection/benefit, and using what I think to be a massively inflated idea of risk to justify it.

I think having some cold hard facts would help her more than emotional panic. If it is indeed a cold hard fact from a credible source that 1000s have died as she described then ok, if however that is a number pulled from discussion with friends etc, that puts the OP in the same position she is berating her son for.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 23/06/2021 11:21

He told me he’d move out if necessary!

There you go then. Time for him to grow up.

Grimacingfrog · 23/06/2021 11:48

@bigbaggyeyes

His body, his choice absolutely. But he does have to live by his choices. I'd be telling him that whilst you respect his choices, he has to respect yours, so if he's not prepared to have the vaccine then he needs to leave and have limited contact with yourself, if the other adults, such as dh, dp etc are happy to continue seeing him then that's up to them
This.

One thing that concentrates the mind is when there truly are consequences for our decisions. Consequences, not punishments. You're not giving him a hard time, nagging him, shaming him. You're just saying that his choices mean that you have to make your own choices of inviting him to live somewhere else.

RaeMumOf3 · 23/06/2021 11:55

I think he’s a teenager who might be looking to rebel, at that age they can be quite impressionable too, my only suggestion would be to advise him to base his decision on the science and not what he has heard from his mates.

You aren’t alone - someone in my family, also scared of anything medical (Due to past history with medical issues) won’t get the vaccine either. I respect her decision but don’t agree with her.

strawberrydonuts · 23/06/2021 11:56

He’s just being so immature!

Yeah he is... but he is also 19.

Honestly, in the scheme of things him not having the jab is not going to make that much difference. I think you should try to get some perspective on this.

In your shoes I would be annoyed too, but you need to think about protecting your family dynamics. Your son is 19 and stubborn and he's not going to change his mind, so it's up to you what you do with that.

If most of your relatives have been double vaccinated and are going out in society and spending time with different people, they are not going to know whether everyone they come into contact with has had the vaccine. That's the risk everyone takes.

They don't need to know about your son. I would just keep quiet about it and let your son tell people if/ when it comes up. It really doesn't need to tear your family apart.

Moonwhite · 23/06/2021 11:58

Hearing "his body his choice" about vaccinating during a pandemic makes me want to projectile vomit at my phone. Just pathetic.

I doubt you'd be so passive and accepting if it was someone who came into contact with a vulnerable member of your family.

TroysMammy · 23/06/2021 12:01

My partner has decided against having the jab. Fine, it's his body and I've said if proof of vaccination is needed for an event or sucklike I will go on my own and not miss out because of his choice. However I was more pissed off that he didn't cancel his appointment he just didn't turn up.

Chailatteplease · 23/06/2021 12:02

YANBU to feel hurt by this OP. I would be too.

Have you tried to talk to him in a non-confrontational/accusatory way? If you can express your feelings without doing either of those things, you have a better chance of him understanding.

FFSFFSFFS · 23/06/2021 12:02

My friend had had double vacinnation and got it and was quite unwell. There are still risks even once vacinnnated

me4real · 23/06/2021 12:03

YANBU but what can you do Sad

Glad you've all come through the last year or so ok, and have had your jabs.

LookItsMeAgain · 23/06/2021 12:05

Ignorant comment coming up from @JellyTumble:
the state of fear that has been created over what is essentially the flu for the overwhelming majority of the population is insane.

IT IS NOT THE FLU.

It doesn't behave like the flu. It is more dangerous than the flu.
I've had it. It is more debilitating than the flu. The flu doesn't have a thing called "long flu" or make you lose your sense of smell and taste.
That is such an ignorant of all of the facts comment about how it manifests itself in the population that even at this stage I'm still gobsmacked by such a level of how this virus gets transmitted, how people who are close contacts need to self isolate (does that mean that they can't go to the shops or go for a walk or whatever) and how they should manage the disease means it will take YEARS to get out of this pandemic not by the middle of July 2021.
We are going to be living with Covid for YEARS. We have to be practical in our approach to this.
How quickly this vaccine got developed too is catching a lot of people out. It wasn't created in 24 hours or even a few months. Years of research into how the genetics of a virus helped speed up how quickly the vaccine could be made and once the scientists knew that they could mass produce a vaccine.

Soubriquet · 23/06/2021 12:05

I’m concerned with having it because I always seem to get severe side affects whenever I get an injection… plus I’m pretty sure I’ve already had Covid. But I will still go ahead and do it. Just maybe book holiday from work first

Avoidance · 23/06/2021 12:07

I know the anti-backers will come on and say it’s his choice....I know it is. I just thought I’d raised my son to be less selfish and care for his family

Maybe you should stop being ‘selfish’ and putting your beliefs before his.

Tiari · 23/06/2021 12:07

I feel the DS should move out. He'll be better off emotionally and psychologically because this type of toxic parenting (in my opinion) is just awful.

Pipsquiggle · 23/06/2021 12:07

Hi OP some excellent advice on this thread.

There is so much bull shit out there and at 19, they are still very young and to be honest can be prats - their critical thinking and frontal lobes are still not fully developed. They think they know everything but they really don't.

Definitely mention going abroad and the ramifications of him not getting a jab.

Does he have any mates who are having the jab? Can they speak to him?

Get him to look at fullfact.org - it's a charity that mythbusts all the bullshit that's out there

Amammai · 23/06/2021 12:09

Can you try and see it as ‘He’s not had his vaccine YET’ and ask him to maybe review the situation in another month? Teenagers often have very strong opinions for a short period…it might be that in another month or so, without any pressure or focus on it, he changes his mind?

JudgeJ · 23/06/2021 12:11

@kittie01

His body his choice
Fine, but if he lives with the OP then he would be out on his ear, their house, their choice, he's an adult at 19, let him look after himself. I would also make very sure that everyone in their family circle is aware of his attitude.
AlternativePerspective · 23/06/2021 12:15

Is that true though?? That thousands of people have died from covid AFTER having both doses of the vaccine. no it isn’t. But it is true that vaccination also cuts transmission of the virus.

As for the flu, the flu isn’t comparable at this stage because we have a flu vaccination programme for those who are at most risk, which is what will ultimately happen with COVID. But right now we need everyone to be vaccinating in order to A, bring down the level of hospitalisation and deaths, and B, build herd immunity so that less people are inclined to contract the virus.

Because the more people have immunity, the less likely it is that those who cannot be vaccinated will contract the virus.

WalkingOnTheCracks · 23/06/2021 12:18

@JellyTumble

Telling him he must tell people he’s not had it so they can chose to be around him or not

He doesn’t have to tell anyone anything. It’s nobody else’s business whether he’s had the jab or not.

He does have to. If you know something - some piece of information - that is important to people you love and, if they knew it, it would influence their actions, they you should tell them, even if you don't agree with their position.

If one of those people have contact with him, and they die of Covid, no one will ever know for sure where they got it. But someone will say, "It was your choice not to have the vaccine, of course, but why didn't you tell us you hadn't?"

And I don't think that a good reply to that will be, "Because it's none of your business."

CaptSkippy · 23/06/2021 12:19

OP. I think it's very selfish of him to put you and others at risk. I would consider telling him that if he wants to keep living with you he needs to get it.

As for the posters going "his body, his choice" that does not apply when your choices put other people's lives at risk. Would you feel the same way about someone getting drunk behind the wheel? Sure, "his body, his car, his choice." Tell that to the people who end up dead because of "his choices".

MitheringSunday · 23/06/2021 12:20

[quote Toomuchspinning]@aSofaNearYou

Because I think proportion and perspective are everything here.

According the CDC, NHS and WHO, early signs are that vaccination may help to reduce transmission. The signs are that it is helping but it’s not a completely defined statistic.

The OP is in a state, thinking about having her family torn apart and her son move out, over an undefined percentage of protection/benefit, and using what I think to be a massively inflated idea of risk to justify it.

I think having some cold hard facts would help her more than emotional panic. If it is indeed a cold hard fact from a credible source that 1000s have died as she described then ok, if however that is a number pulled from discussion with friends etc, that puts the OP in the same position she is berating her son for.[/quote]
Absolutely this. Also what Tiari says.

OP, I have had my vaccinations, I am as pro-vax as they come, but your pressuring, emotional blackmailing and manipulation of your son are unforgivable.

Covid won't always loom as large in your life as it is now. When that day comes, do you still want to have your son in your life?

mewkins · 23/06/2021 12:21

In the last week two people I know who are double vaccinated have tested positive and one has been seriously ill with it. Being double vaccinated has potentially saved his life. You son should either have the vaccine in order to minimise as far as possible the risk of passing it onto vulnerable people who he loves or else find himself somewhere else to live where he is less risk to you all.

FlorenceWintle · 23/06/2021 12:21

I would not make a battle of this because you run the risk of entrenching him in a position where he can’t change his mind. And he will change his mind when he realises there will be things he can’t do because he’s not vaccinated (travel without quarantining, certain jobs, attend festivals and gatherings etc. - the list will grow)

I would leave him alone and give it some time, leave him the space to back down.

FlorenceWintle · 23/06/2021 12:22

Covid won't always loom as large in your life as it is now. When that day comes, do you still want to have your son in your life?

Also this