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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to feel so upset

220 replies

Skyblu · 23/06/2021 08:29

My 19yr old son has refused his Covid vaccine. I feel so upset.
His father & I both have underlying illnesses and were in the shield group. His father is more at risk than me. With only 40% lung capacity, we prepared ourselves that Covid would probably have killed him (seen him on a ventilator at least!). We have both now had 2 jabs.
My parents are in their late 70’s and vulnerable, my brothers family have asthma, my brother-in-law has collapsed lung. All ‘vulnerable’, all had two jabs.

My son thinks it’s enough that we have all had our jabs, so he doesn’t need to and that it’s his decision. Which I know it is. I just can’t understand his mentality and am beyond hurt that he doesn’t want to do whatever he can to protect his loved ones.

I feel disappointed and let down by him and that his attitude is selfish. He’s not basing his opinions on fact, he’s listened to scaremongering amongst mates (& hates injections), that’s all.

We are all a close family and I am so embarrassed to tell them that he has decided not to have the vaccine but equally I cannot live with myself by not telling them and having everyone mix with my son. I know they’ve all been jabbed but just ‘what if’ my son bought it n and one of the vulnerable people got really sick? How do you live with that?

I’d have had my right hand chopped off if it had meant protecting my Grandma (when she was alive!). Why won’t my son do the same to protect his own Grandpa who he is that close to??

I can’t stop crying about it. Feel so hurt. And I know this is the end of my extended family as this is not going to go down well. ( My brother will hit the roof and this will cause huge arguments). But I feel obliged to tell them so they have the choice as to mix with him or not.

I know the anti-backers will come on and say it’s his choice....I know it is. I just thought I’d raised my son to be less selfish and care for his family.

OP posts:
fungussingstheblues · 23/06/2021 13:33

How is he going to kill his grandparents if they've been double jabbed? You must think the vaccine doesn't actually work – are you a vaccine sceptic, then?

And it's selfish of YOU to require a young person to take an injection with absolutely no way of knowing what the long term effects might be. Can you guarantee his fertility in ten years' time?

Honestly, your hyperbole and hysterics are way over the top. He's not going to kill anyone. Still interested in your link to the evidence of thousands of double-jabbed people dying after contact with an unvaccinated person.

AnUnoriginalUsername · 23/06/2021 13:34

It's his body. And he shouldn't have to tell anyone anything about his body. Or be guilted into doing anything to his body.

You're vaccinated, him being vaccinated would have a tiny impact on you, you're blowing this way out of proportion.

AnUnoriginalUsername · 23/06/2021 13:36

I can't imagine wanting my son to put something into his body that we don't know the long term risks of just to give me a tiny benefit. Are you going to be asking the vaccination status of everybody you're ever in contact with?

PinkiOcelot · 23/06/2021 13:36

Jesus! You’re crying over this?! I’m not an anti vaxxer at all, but I think it’s entirely up to him. His freedom of choice!!

Alcemeg · 23/06/2021 13:38

OP I've only read your posts, haven't RTFT.

This sounds like the triumph of "Facebook science" unfortunately.

Have you heard of snopes.com? It's a brilliant website that debunks internet bullshit.

They have this to say about the COVID vaccine:
www.snopes.com/news/2021/02/18/6-important-truths-about-covid-19-vaccines/

Your son might not accept what you say to him, but he might find the snopes site generally interesting and if he looks up other (non-COVID-related) things on it, he might gain some trust in their perspective.

Good luck!

user1471538283 · 23/06/2021 13:38

It's not just that he is putting himself and you at risk he is limited his life choices. I think that before long to go on holiday you will need proof of the vaccine, any new job/university with lots of people will mean people will need to be vaccinated.

His age group are the most likely at the moment to catch COVID. My DS has a needle phobia but he was so so keen to have it done. You've got elderly people being braver than him. It was a two second thing.

I had bad after effects after having mine but the most important thing was I knew I was going to get better AND I could still breathe. Imagine not being able to breathe!

I would ask him to leave. He could bring it home to you all.

Viviennemary · 23/06/2021 13:45

Tell him either have the jab or find somewhere else to live. I wouldn't have any time for this nonsense.

Hadjab · 23/06/2021 13:55

@Skyblu

I guess the fear is.....and I know the chance may be small but it’s still there....

WHAT IF....
What if my unvaccinated son catches Covid in all its glory and is no worse than if he’d caught regular flu/bad cold BUT my vulnerable DH with 40% lung capacity, (or my DF, 70’s & vulnerable) catches it unknowingly from DS and despite vaccine, because they are so close they catch it bad and end up in hospital, alone and then die.

DS has to live with that on his conscience for he rest of his life.
I’m his mother. I know how hard that would be and wouldn’t want my son going through that.
I also have to live with the fact that my sons actions effectively killed his father or my father.
The rest of the family live knowing that my DS’s decision effectively killed their family member.

What then? We all live happily ever after and say, oh well, his choice, they were old so it doesn’t matter.

I know that’s worse case scenario - but it’s a real scenario. It’s happened in thousands of other families so could happen in mine.

That’s what’s in the back of my mind.

Umm, I’m not aware of thousands of people having died of COVID after being twice vaccinated, because they contracted it from an unvaccinated family member. If this is the case, then none of the vaccines are fit for purpose, and we’d have far higher infection, hospitalisation and death rates than we currently do.
LuaDipa · 23/06/2021 14:01

There is a woman like this in our office. We have a member of staff with several pre-existing conditions and an older woman. She has a vulnerable relative and could have had the jab months ago even though she is only in her thirties. She has told me that she ‘hasn’t got around to it’, but other members of the team have said that she refuses to have it. I have lost all respect for her to be honest. Bad enough that she doesn’t care about us, but she clearly doesn’t care about her vulnerable family member either.

We are still distancing in the office with limited numbers now but will be back to normal as soon as government guidelines allow and already members of my team are approaching me upset about having to be in close proximity to her. I don’t believe in compulsory vaccination so I don’t think she should be forced, but at the same time others shouldn’t be forced into close contact with wilfully unvaccinated people as a result of circumstances outside their control. I also don’t think that she should be paid to self-isolate (as is the case for us all at work now) when it is her choice to not protect herself.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 23/06/2021 14:08

Honestly can't believe people on here. "Trll him he will need to move out", "tell him he needs to tell everyone he knows so they can choose to avoid him". Honestly talk about emotionally manipulating someone. If that was a husband doing that to his wife you would all be screaming he was abusive LTB!!!!!!

diddl · 23/06/2021 14:15

Don't underestimate fear of needles!

I almost didn't go for mine in my 50s & in tears the night before!

AngeIinaBaIIerina · 23/06/2021 14:16

Shame on you OP for trying to pressure him in this way. Young people are extremely low risk and should not be forced into getting a vaccine for herd immunity.

Babyroobs · 23/06/2021 14:16

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

Honestly can't believe people on here. "Trll him he will need to move out", "tell him he needs to tell everyone he knows so they can choose to avoid him". Honestly talk about emotionally manipulating someone. If that was a husband doing that to his wife you would all be screaming he was abusive LTB!!!!!!
Totally agree- he is an adult, he doesn't have to have something injected into his body if he is not happy about it. Most young people I've spoken to ( including my own 3 sons ) can't wait to be jabbed but not everyone is the same.
HappyCamperT5 · 23/06/2021 14:17

I don't understand why people that aren't getting the vaccine suddenly don't care about anyone else and are being labelled as selfish.. I thought if you had the jab then you are protected to some extent? If you've had the jab why does it matter if someone else doesnt? or have I missed the point entirely lol 🤣

BigSandyBalls2015 · 23/06/2021 14:19

I don’t understand the hysteria on here! Surely the vaccine prevents you from becoming seriously ill with Covid (hopefully!). It doesn’t stop you catching it or passing it on. Or have I got that wrong?

diddl · 23/06/2021 14:21

Well tbh I've had it for me-to hopefully lessen my chances of getting it or being very ill with it.

If it happens to reduce my chances of passing it on or means I would pass it on in a milder form, all to the good.

But I had it done with me in mind, so wouldn't condemn anyone who with themselves in mind doesn't have it done.

Grenlei · 23/06/2021 14:25

I think this is obscene. Some of you really need to take a look at yourselves - suggesting he's kicked out of the family home because he won't have the vaccine?

COVID has really shown up all the absolute arseholes for what they are. And people's paranoia really is rampant...if the entire family is vaccinated, why the abject terror about 1 person not having the vaccine? I don't get it.

Tell you what OP, when you chuck him out send him to my house. I have DC a similar age, they're not having the vaccine (their own decision, made for valid reasons) and neither am I. He won't be emotionally blackmailed here.

HoppingPavlova · 23/06/2021 14:25

Umm, I’m not aware of thousands of people having died of COVID after being twice vaccinated, because they contracted it from an unvaccinated family member. If this is the case, then none of the vaccines are fit for purpose, and we’d have far higher infection, hospitalisation and death rates than we currently do.

You are not aware of it because it doesn’t happen. Or the whole point of vaccinating in groups based on vulnerability and age would have been a joke. I’m all for vaccination but the hysteria regarding a non-vaccinated member of household acting to take the majority of the (vulnerable) household out is beyond absurd.

PlanDeRaccordement · 23/06/2021 14:28

@fungussingstheblues

How is he going to kill his grandparents if they've been double jabbed? You must think the vaccine doesn't actually work – are you a vaccine sceptic, then?

And it's selfish of YOU to require a young person to take an injection with absolutely no way of knowing what the long term effects might be. Can you guarantee his fertility in ten years' time?

Honestly, your hyperbole and hysterics are way over the top. He's not going to kill anyone. Still interested in your link to the evidence of thousands of double-jabbed people dying after contact with an unvaccinated person.

Sorry OP but this is my reaction too.

Everyone vulnerable is fully vaccinated therefore, since the vaccines work, your 19 yo DS presents ZERO danger to them while unvaccinated himself. He is not endangering them in the slightest.

All he is risking is himself, and you need to understand Covid is extremely low risk to teenagers.

You need to stop with the drama and stop coercing him by threats to kick him out of the house, threats to tell everyone he’s a danger (when he isn’t), and crying to guilt him into doing it.

NotAncientHistory · 23/06/2021 14:31

This government have not done as well as the US government in making young people see the benefit. In the US, they need a vaccine to be on university campus etc.
Sadly, for many people, they will only have the vaccine if there is an immediate and personal benefit.
For some reason, the government give too much attention and consideration to anti-vaxxers (I guess there must be some close to government) and the consequence is a huge resevoir of unvaccinated people spreading covid, and turning up in hospital expecting to be treated for Covid by people who did have the vaccine.

grapewine · 23/06/2021 14:32

It is his choice. But you have to protect yourselves as vulnerable, and I would ask him to move out. He's an adult.

ThePhantom · 23/06/2021 14:35

If all the vulnerable adults are fully vaccinated and these these vaccines work then there's nothing to worry about no? If they don't work, well there is no point in anyone getting vaccinated then.

Pixie1771 · 23/06/2021 14:35

I don't really understand the issue , you can still carry it even if you're vaccinated.
If he does or doesn't have the jab he can give it to your family but if you're all vaccinated then what's the issue. The only person he's not protecting is himself.

You can still transmit vaccinated or not

HappyCamperT5 · 23/06/2021 14:35

@grapewine they have protected themselves.. they are double vaccinated.. why would her son have to move out?

Thewiseoneincognito · 23/06/2021 14:37

If you’re all double jabbed then you won’t be at any more risk with him being unjabbed than if he were. If your relatives are vulnerable then they need to take precautions not to catch Covid by limiting their exposure to anyone outside their bubble. Your DS poses the same risk jabbed or not as you can still carry the virus with a jab. It’s a vile situation and I fully empathise with your fears but a jab for him will make no difference to you.