To feel sad when you are the only childless person...

Namechangeme1 · 2021-06-01T16:53:37+00:00

Just that really. I never thought this would be me but I feel really sad that life is different. That not having children would make you feel so alien to 95% or other people. DH says find new friends. I find this impossible - I'm outgoing and confident but whenever starting new relationships they seem to be flaky and then fizzle out or feel like a one way street. It's a really sad situation and feel it burdens females most - has anyone else had this happen to them? Any advice? I just feel like my youth is almost over and unless I also become a parent I'll be an outsider forever amongst most friendship groups. It's just not the same - people change after children. It's not for better or for worse but it's just difficult to maintain solid friendships after.

AuldFox · 01/06/2021 17:56

I have childfree friends of 20 years plus. I don’t feel any different about them than those with children. They seem very happy to be childfree though and have fabulous, enviable lifestyles.

Original poster

Namechangeme1 · 01/06/2021 17:58

@AuldFox that's positive to hear, perhaps though from their perspective they have struggled. The main struggle is that people become 5 times more preoccupied with children. Understandably but I personally feel it creates feelings of loneliness at least for me anyway. I can't speak with other children free people that's just my experience.

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PurpleDaisies · 01/06/2021 18:00

It’s harder to make it work but if you can, meeting without the children there is the key.

LigPatin · 01/06/2021 18:01

I think it's subjective.
I don't want children and enjoy the many, many benefits that come with that choice.
So I'm not sad I don't have children.

However, becoming a parent massively changes people so I've lost friends and I'm sad about that.
From my perspective rather than being sad I'm childless, I'm sad other people have had children as its changed them and it's affected our friendship (and a lot, not all but a lot, of them are unhappy).

Im not sure I've explained that too well

ColaOlaLa · 01/06/2021 18:02

I’ve had the opposite problem, friends kids are all teens or grown up (they had them young) and I’m the only one with young kids so I barely see them as they are not interested in sitting in the play ground/ soft play etc and rarely invite me to things because I don’t have baby sitters

RockPainting · 01/06/2021 18:03

A lot of it depends on whether you like other peoples children I think! I don’t have a lot of family, and I would’ve loved to have had more “favourite Auntie“ type friends. It didn’t always work out.

Definitely take up some sports though. Not necessarily going to the gym, try a tennis club, hockey club, women’s cricket instead. They do tend to attract women at all different stages and in different situations in life, it would be good for you to make some new friends as well as your existing ones. Sports are good because there tends to be a good social life alongside playing sports. Friendships take a long time to cultivate, perhaps always try to have some newer friends on the boil, and you never know they might become long-term friends over time.

IHaveBrilloHair · 01/06/2021 18:03

I'm 43 and although I do have a child, she's moved out and independent of me so I'm not child focused at all now.
I'm not saying I'd never mention her, but things like babysitters or going to soft play just aren't part of my life.

Original poster

Namechangeme1 · 01/06/2021 18:04

@PurpleDaisies

It’s harder to make it work but if you can, meeting without the children there is the key.

Yes I agree but is near impossible.

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honeygirlz · 01/06/2021 18:08

@ColaOlaLa

I’ve had the opposite problem, friends kids are all teens or grown up (they had them young) and I’m the only one with young kids so I barely see them as they are not interested in sitting in the play ground/ soft play etc and rarely invite me to things because I don’t have baby sitters

This is a bit insensitive. You have kids, OP doesn't.

Peach01 · 01/06/2021 18:09

When you have children you definitely are more preoccupied, you're time isn't your own and it is harder to do things, but there are plenty of mums out there who feel lonely too even although they're never alone. I've felt it before and it feels great to hear from a friend, especially when they want to see you.
Have you been reaching out to your friends to meet?

Slothsloths · 01/06/2021 18:10

I feel this deeply. I was childless far longer than most of my friends and it was isolating, especially as I wanted a baby. Now I have a child and I know that I have changed. I have a formerly close friend who is child free and I feel as though there is a massive gulf between us and I don’t know how to bridge it. I don’t want to talk about my baby all the time but I know that I do because she has consumed my whole life.

ColaOlaLa · 01/06/2021 18:10

How is saying I’ve experienced the opposite “insensitive” 🤨 lots of people find that their friends stop bothering with them once they have kids, item happens both ways, so only child free people can comment?

Cam2020 · 01/06/2021 18:10

There are some tough years ahead with friendships when some have young children and others don't. Some people do change completely, but the majority 'come back'. The first years can be a bit of a whirlwind and it can seem like you have nothing in common anymore - and that's really hard! It doesn't last forever in my expeirence, though.

ColaOlaLa · 01/06/2021 18:11

Oh and I was only saying it to let the op know that it happens to loads of people and isn’t just her that gets left behind!

AuldFox · 01/06/2021 18:11

I think when children are young, they take over your life. My friends and I have emerged through those years (now have older teens and young adults) and we barely even mention our kids when we get together! I look forward to attending their children’s weddings (and they mine) but our lives really don’t revolve around them so intensely any more. Thankfully, my friends are well-rounded, well-read women with careers so they have a lot to talk about, non-child related.

It really depends on the kind of friend you have I guess (not that SAHMs can’t be just as well-read, cultured etc of course!)

Original poster

Namechangeme1 · 01/06/2021 18:12

@Cam2020

There are some tough years ahead with friendships when some have young children and others don't. Some people do change completely, but the majority 'come back'. The first years can be a bit of a whirlwind and it can seem like you have nothing in common anymore - and that's really hard! It doesn't last forever in my expeirence, though.

That's how I feel most of the time, seeing the transition for them means to them it's the biggest deal ever and rightly so.

But when you're not there, it just doesn't resonate and therefore it's hard to identify - and being as excited as I probably should be would be fake because I just don't feel that way. Terrible I know but just being honest.

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AuldFox · 01/06/2021 18:13

No one’s children are that interesting to other people, so I don’t bore on about mine!

Hankunamatata · 01/06/2021 18:13

I think its finding 1 friend who's on the same position as you with similar interests or hobbies.

My mum was a much older mum. Before she had me she said she found best friendship were with ladies older than herself who's kids were teens or grown - all her friends dropped away when they had kids but lucky a friends aunt invited her to a social activity and she made whole set friends if older ladies. These friendships endured even when she had me

Original poster

Namechangeme1 · 01/06/2021 18:13

I guess it's just an awakening that life all of a sudden got very boring, restrictive and grown up. Getting a married buying a house etc didn't make me feel like this but the children things just changed everything

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Orgasmagorical · 01/06/2021 18:13

I was at a local event with two of my neighbours and their families. We were all having a great time and left the children and husbands to enjoy themselves while we walked back to the street. The two mums started talking about their children and I felt so left out. It wasn't intentional on their part and I'm sure they wouldn't have done it if they had known my circumstances (my baby died at a few months old) but it did hurt. I know it was my issue, they hadn't done anything wrong.

I have found it much easier now that I'm older and my friends' children are older and mostly adults now.

I know what you mean though, Namechange, you feel like you don't belong to a club in a way.

Ozanj · 01/06/2021 18:14

I think this depends on how old you are and where you are in your fertility journey really and how much you supported them when kids were young. I’m 40 and recently had my first. All of my family and friends have completed their families now and many used me as free childcare for years - I was at softplays, doing pick ups and drop offs, changing plans to include kids; and now it’s my turn I’m furious it seems to all have been forgotten. I usually have to remind people to guilt trip them into meeting up but it’s wearing thing.

The sad thing is, where I am, most mums of babies are in their early 30s and don’t want to make friends with a 40 something. So I’m stuck with these selfish gits.

Original poster

Namechangeme1 · 01/06/2021 18:15

I know what you mean though, Namechange, you feel like you don't belong to a club in a way.

Exactly this. Mothers from a club, it's not their fault and I don't begrudge them for it but it's definitely an exclusive club that you cannot be a part of as a childless person. Very sad.

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DavidTheDog · 01/06/2021 18:15

Sad? I feel relieved. It looks so stressful.

Original poster

Namechangeme1 · 01/06/2021 18:16

@Ozanj

I think this depends on how old you are and where you are in your fertility journey really and how much you supported them when kids were young. I’m 40 and recently had my first. All of my family and friends have completed their families now and many used me as free childcare for years - I was at softplays, doing pick ups and drop offs, changing plans to include kids; and now it’s my turn I’m furious it seems to all have been forgotten. I usually have to remind people to guilt trip them into meeting up but it’s wearing thing.

The sad thing is, where I am, most mums of babies are in their early 30s and don’t want to make friends with a 40 something. So I’m stuck with these selfish gits.

Lol that sounds very frustrating! I laugh at the selfish gits part but that really does suck.

I'm just sad partly about my own fertility journey and feeling isolated. I guess there's no one IRL I can talk to about it. Except DH and he has no idea and doesn't understand

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Slippy78 · 01/06/2021 18:16

I don't have a child or a partner and I'm very happy.

I can't think of anything worse than having to be responsible for anyone but me.