To feel sad when you are the only childless person...

[Namechangeme1]

Just that really. I never thought this would be me but I feel really sad that life is different.

That not having children would make you feel so alien to 95% or other people.

DH says find new friends. I find this impossible - I'm outgoing and confident but whenever starting new relationships they seem to be flaky and then fizzle out or feel like a one way street.

It's a really sad situation and feel it burdens females most - has anyone else had this happen to them? Any advice?

I just feel like my youth is almost over and unless I also become a parent I'll be an outsider forever amongst most friendship groups.

It's just not the same - people change after children. It's not for better or for worse but it's just difficult to maintain solid friendships after.

I understand. I had all these same feelings when I was staring down the barrel of being single and childless. That feeling of missing out on an experience that seems to bring everyone else closer to each other. Also, around your 30s, life can feel repetitive and boring anyway, even without friends peeling off because they’re busy doing things that are more important than being with you.

Having said all that, having children to maintain friendships, or to stay “in” with peers isn’t ideal. I’m not saying everyone needs profound reasons to procreate. Just, well, do you actually WANT children? For their own sake?

How you handle the separation from a familiar life will depend on the answer to that question.

Life can be very, very fulfilling without children in it. It may mean a significant change from life as you know it and have lived it thus far. There’s also nothing wrong with not seeking fulfilment elsewhere, and mourning your loss but carrying on as best you can.

@DavidTheDog

Sad? I feel relieved. It looks so stressful.

😂

It is so bloody stressful I'm pleased the all encompassing part of parenthood is over and would welcome childless people as friends.
I've no need to discuss it at length on acoffee meet up/meal/day out.
Its just tedious.

How old are you and are you child free by choice?

People with young dc are very self absorbed. You dont say what age you are but because you say youth I'm assuming early 30s and everyone else is having kids but you cant / dont want them. I think thus is the age at which those who don't want dc kick up their career, hobbies or social life a notch to compensate and usually make it look like a lovely grown up situation rather than the drudgery of raising children.

It’s not terrible OP. Why would you be enthralled or excited by other people’s children? I know exactly what you mean; it’s like people have no idea what to talk about if you don’t have DC. One of my friends, who I don’t see very often due to distance always brings her kids when we meet up, it’s like she thinks me seeing hers is a substitute for me not having any of my own and that it’s a ‘treat’ for me! She’ll go out without them with other people though.

I’ve tried doing evening classes, groups, hobbies but even then it was like all the ones who were parents joined together. Don’t get me wrong, they weren’t horrible to me or anything but it was just a surface politeness while we were at the class.

I worked in a pub and a few of them came in one night, this was years after the course had finished. I don’t know what’s wrong with me and why people don’t want to be friends 😞. One of them asked if she knew me as I “looked familiar” I just said no as I couldn’t be arsed with pointless, polite small talk then watch them having a fun night.

@ZenNudist late thirties - not sure yet if I can't have dc but currently trying - have had a few attempts that failed maybe that is also not helping.

And yes I do find people with young Dc incredibly self absorbed.

I completely understand OP. I don't want kids but it's still a lonely place to be, and there's a feeling of being 'left behind'. I have a few childfree friends left and I have to admit that that I'm keeping my fingers crossed that they stay childfree...

@ChrissyPlummer exactly, I had a friend say that basically I don't ever meet up with her and the kid. I felt terrible and wanted to say I'm really really not interested. It makes me feel so unkind.

I think I'll have interest in my own but I'm really not the natural 'I love kids' type of person. It doesn't help.

I completely agree OP. I have a child now (after several years of fertility treatment) but for the first 5 years in my job, all the women I worked with had children and all the office chat centred around children. They're not bad people, we just had nothing in common. Having a child is literally a conversation starter!

I found myself becoming friends with women much older than me in work because they had adult children and so their lives weren't so consumed with the lives of their children. Then I had my own child and I became friends with the other women with young children because we could relate to each other a lot more.

IHaveBrilloHair yes! I am so glad to get myself back. I do a sport with a group of women and dc are never mentioned. I don’t even know if some of them have them or not and we have been together for six years, but older than you OP. Hang on in there, it doesn’t last for ever and those same people are still there, just buried under drudgery.

All my main friends now don't have kids, so we all are on the same page.

I see friends with kids occasionally but much less often. Bar family members with kids obviously.

The frustrating thing is I really don't enjoy other people's kids company. I find it horrible - not all but most.

The parents are distracted and it's boring. I wish I never felt like this but it makes things hard. And these are the same people that felt the same way before their kids but all of a sudden they seem to have forgotten and think everyone loved their kids!

YANBU - I feel exactly the same.

Child free not by choice and it looks highly unlikely I will ever be a mother now. One by one, all of my friendship group(s) have had children and now most of the chat focusses around the children. It’s incredibly rare to see them without their kids and when I do it’s like a sentence can’t be uttered without in some way it being related back to being a parent.

I agree, it’s incredibly isolating. I recently had a big promotion at work and I feel like my life news isn’t interesting or relevant to anyone else because it doesn’t relate to being a parent.

I wonder if it exacerbates feelings of loneliness on an existential level? A friend confided in me that she reckons most people want children because they want to be loved. This blew my mind.

@Namechangeme1

I know what you mean though, Namechange, you feel like you don't belong to a club in a way.

Exactly this. Mothers from a club, it's not their fault and I don't begrudge them for it but it's definitely an exclusive club that you cannot be a part of as a childless person. Very sad.

You can OP. I was the last one of my group to have a family. In my head I thought their life is sorted, they're busy and happy. Then you have your own and realise that mums need other people. It is good to have other mum friends because they understand if you're late or if mornings are better or why you feel vulnerable and full of self doubt with a newborn for no apparent reason. These mum friends aren't always your people and the only thing in common is a baby which isn't as much as what it first appears.

There will be some mums who change completely but most are still the same person who has a new little person and would love time with their own friends.

@Youngatheart00 I agree - your life achievements semi secondary to anyone that has a kid it's weird. Despite having one requires little effort to produce, but everything else always seems secondary

@DavidTheDog I think there may be something in that. I remember reading something on here once where people were talking about lack of sex after DC. One poster said something to the effect of that’s she didn’t want her DH near her after she’d had DC as she got all the love she needed from DC.

Namechange you are normal to feel this way. Sadly I think you just hàve to leave them to it (for now) and try and find new friends via new interests.

You can suggest the odd evening out. As the dc get older they will want to get away from home life more. Just bide your time. Totally reasonable to ask to meet up child free.

Don't give up entirely on them.

I sympathise, I am also childless not by choice. I struggled particularly when friends had babies or very young children because it consumed their whole life (of course!), all conversations seemed to be about the kids and I was limited in how far I could join in, I also found meet ups were regularly cancelled last minute as kids were ill or childcare fell through. All completely reasonable and I understood but still it made my friendships feel lonely and I did lose some of them over the years. Equally I struggled with friendships with people who chose not to have kids as I was desperately heartbroken to be childless.
My only advice is be honest with people. There were some friends who I really didn't want to lose, so I ended up saying to them, I really value your friendship but I find it difficult to fit myself into your life at the moment, can we keep in touch anyway.

@Youngatheart00 Congratulations on your promotion! 🥳

It’s not just the early years though, I was childless for many many years and watched friends go through the baby, toddler, primary years and then as their kids got older there were milestones in terms of high school, relationships, university etc. Not that friends talked about their kids all the time but we’re going through stuff I didn’t have a reference point for. Friends also struggled to relate to my day to day life around work, career etc in the same way because while work was important to them, it didn’t take the same importance because I was focussed on my career to distract from fertility issues.

It can feel like a club you don’t have membership too, which is very hard going. On one level I couldn’t fully understand their challenges and they didn’t have space for mine. Being childless when you don’t want to be can be very isolating.

I have a daughter, but also have childless friends. Yes, they might not be going through the same experiences but I can still take to them about other things. As for 2 mum's getting together and leaving you out talking about their kids - that's them not you. If I notice someone can't join in a conversation, I find someway to invite then or change the topic. Like I'd ask them what their own childhood experiences are. Or something.
No different to many other lifestyle topics - for example there's a girl at work that's not English. If we're taking about shared UK experiences like kids cartoons, then I'll be mindful of that too as she will not be able to relate! Obviously depending on if she looks like she was as hoping to join in or not.

I have no childcare so my child free friends have to put up with the littles being around when we meet. That’s not because I’ve had a personality transplant, it’s just that there’s no family or funds for childcare. I’m very happy to not talk nappies though. So although it’s a compromise to meet your friends with their kids around, your friends might not have that much choice in the matter.

I think it depends on your friends, I'm childfree and permanently single. I have friends who have kids ranging from toddlers to in their 20s (currently have 2 weddings booked for kids I've known since they were born ).

We sometimes spend time with the kids - in each other's houses, in the park, on a day out etc. We also have kid free time when their dad/GPs have them and we have a night in the pub or go to a concert etc. Three of us have a weekend away booked for August which was pretty much a group chat of all three of us saying what weekends we could do and seeing which ones we could all do.

I don't have kids, not interested in having them myself but it's not affected my friendship with my friends who have families. I'm genuinely interested in hearing about them and their lives and of course their kids are a big of that so I'm interested in hearing about them.

Maybe it's easy because I don't have children by choice, I don't know. I love seeing their kids if that's how our meetings workout but I'm also in demand as escape from family life too. I'm the friend they can go out with, have a meal / few drinks with and get some headspace away.