To feel sad when you are the only childless person...

[Namechangeme1]

Just that really. I never thought this would be me but I feel really sad that life is different.

That not having children would make you feel so alien to 95% or other people.

DH says find new friends. I find this impossible - I'm outgoing and confident but whenever starting new relationships they seem to be flaky and then fizzle out or feel like a one way street.

It's a really sad situation and feel it burdens females most - has anyone else had this happen to them? Any advice?

I just feel like my youth is almost over and unless I also become a parent I'll be an outsider forever amongst most friendship groups.

It's just not the same - people change after children. It's not for better or for worse but it's just difficult to maintain solid friendships after.

That's because in this country apparently we should all hide our children away, never talk about them, and basically pretend we never had them according to some people on this thread.

And basically be ashamed of our motherhood in the vicinity of the more interesting women

Feminism is great in many ways but it’s very anti motherhood and a lot of work neee to happen in that direction

That's because in this country apparently we should all hide our children away, never talk about them, and basically pretend we never had them according to some people on this thread.

This is a ridiculous post.

No one is obligated to have interest in your children - except you.

I honestly think some parents are deluded.

For example, someone might say - how is your DH. I would say fine and maybe give a one or two liner about what he's been up to.

What I wouldn't do is talk for half a meet up about him because no one would give a Shit. And rightly so. If I have a dilemma or problem then fine but I don't sit there doting on how great my DH is, so why do people do it about their kids and expect people to listen intently for long periods of time?

Also, your post is the exact reason why society puts pressure on women. A man would never moan that his friends don't talk enough about his kids. You know why - men Rarely talk about their kids because they are aware that their friends aren't that interested,

What makes me sad as that because I'm a woman I'm expected to have an interest - it's almost an obligation and really sad unfair one.

Men don't have anywhere near the same societal pressure to engage in small talk about kids.

My child free friends are my absolute favourite friends. I have children of all ages & when my friends that don’t have children are around it’s always lovely and we have the loveliest times.

@TheMotherlode

Of course it’s annoying if people only want to talk about their children and nothing else, I’m a Mum and it would drive me mad if any of my friends did this. Maybe you just have dull friends cause I don’t find that any of the other parents I know only talk about their children.

But you seem to expect your friends to never talk about their kids, to never have them around you, and to just basically pretend that they aren’t parents, which is just pretty unrealistic IMO. I would quite quickly ditch any friends who treated me like that after having kids.

No I never said that - I expect my friends to talk shout their kids. Every meet up? No. For half the conversation? No. For the whole WhatsApp group spanning back 50 messages? No.

I expect my friends to talk shout their kids. Every meet up? No. For half the conversation? No. For the whole WhatsApp group spanning back 50 messages? No.
It sounds tedious, you're not going to change them.
You've grown apart it's time for new friends.

'....I don't sit there doting on how great my DH is, so why do people do it about their kids and expect people to listen intently for long periods of time?'

I've often thought the same - I don't bang on about what my DP said or did or cooked for dinner or whatever because I know that no one gives a fig. I also don't bore people about my gym sessions or new recipes or skincare regime.

It's not all parents, but some do talk non stop about their kids and seem to expect everyone to be fascinated. I had a colleague talk AT ME for the whole of our lunch break the other week about each of her 3 kids in turn and what they were all studying at university. Monologuing about your kids seems to be acceptable in a way that going into great detail about your other relationships or hobbies or whatever is not and yes, as a childfree person it can feel very excluding

I don't bang on about what my DP said or did or cooked for dinner or whatever because I know that no one gives a fig. I also don't bore people about my gym sessions or new recipes or skincare regime. these are things friends discuss with or without DC.
My friend child free by choice tells me every detail on her vegan diet, her new cooking skills, skin regime, definitely her work out schedule, I've seen every muscle or change.

@Lottapianos exactly. Your post sums up what I'm trying to say. With jo other area of life is it acceptable to go on and on about something UNLESs the other person is going through similar or in the same field or can relate in some way.

That is why friends are friends because they have COMMON interests. That's the point of a friendship.

Now don't get it twisted I'm not saying the opposite - never talk about your kids at all. That would be silly and selfish. But what I'm saying is that I don't want to be involved in whole WhatsApp groups about kids or not really more than ten or fifteen minutes of discussion about it because it's boring.

For those of you that still can't relate imagine talking about something you have zero interest in - maybe cars, or engineering or whatever else you have no interest in. Now imagine your friend spoke about it every meet. How would you feel?

@AuldFox

I have childfree friends of 20 years plus. I don’t feel any different about them than those with children. They seem very happy to be childfree though and have fabulous, enviable lifestyles.

My best friend doesn't have children. She's as close to my dd as she is to me because we are very close.

My dd loves her.

My bf loves to hand her back.

She's happy. She has a wide social circle and she's amazing and a great role model.

I know it wasn't the point of the thread but you have made me laugh OP. I completely agree with you, other people's kids are boring AF.

I wish I'd taken your approach because I spent a large portion of my thirties pretending to be fascinated. I remember the straw that broke the camel's back when I spent an absolute fortune on a mum-to-be at a five star lunch with her other girlfriends. I paid the bill and walked away realising not one person had asked how I was doing.

I have a childless friend who has moved abroad but was returning for a wedding. She emailed us a few months in advance asking if we were free for a lunch in the city near to where she was saying as she would only have a few hours free and wouldn't have time to see us individually. We are a longtime bunch of friends and know each other well. This lady loves nice restaurants with a good wine list. She stressed there was no pressure to attend, it was only a suggestion if we were available.

The whole group began discussing the possibility of having a gathering in her honour in one of our houses (not convenient for her at all) with all the kids, a bouncy castle and no alcohol. So basically, nothing that would be of any interest to her (she doesn't know the kids and specifically asked us to meet, not kids, not husbands). When I countered that we should possibly stick to what she had suggested I was told people have to adapt to changing circumstances and it would be more important that we are all able to go. None of these women have finanfiall issues by the way and can easily afford babysitters. They were all fully convinced she would be delighted with the suggestion because who wouldn't want to spend their precious few free hours with their children after flying across the world. She absolutely did not.

I have a child myself by the way and while I am the absolute guiltiest of the nauseatingly obsessed mother I am pretty confident I don't inflict my fixation on the world. Myself and another childless friend set a secret codeword for if I get carried away. She hasn't had to use it yet but she did pull me up on talking about my pregnancy nonstop - she had fertility issues and I felt awful when she said it.

In terms of how to avoid these annoying scenarios when you are the childless one, I simply decided one day I didn't really fit in anymore but it gave me lots of scope to pursue hobbies so I embraced that. And I stopped pretending to be fascinated.

In terms of how to avoid these annoying scenarios when you are the childless one, I simply decided one day I didn't really fit in anymore but it gave me lots of scope to pursue hobbies so I embraced that. And I stopped pretending to be fascinated.

Good for you, I've engaged in more hobbies and like you say stopped pretending to be interested (well I never did lol). I can't do it.

Maybe I'll lose friends but I'm sticking to my guns on this one. Men don't have to pretend to be interested in their friends kids because society doesn't expect it - so why should I have to?

There's a balance - but I honestly just feel it should be a brief discussion about how the baby is and that's it. Anything more and I'm out.

'Men don't have to pretend to be interested in their friends kids because society doesn't expect it - so why should I have to?'

Spot on. If I ever feel guilty about not joining in the gushing and fawning, I ask myself if a man would be expected to join in with it. The answer is always no

I see my husband talking about his kids a lot with his peers who are actually childless and they seek to respectfully entertain it and try to entertain our child when he takes him along

@DeepThinkingGirl

I see my husband talking about his kids a lot with his peers who are actually childless and they seek to respectfully entertain it and try to entertain our child when he takes him along

He's the minority you only have to looks at threads on Mumsnet to see many women moaning that even their children's fathers aren't interested in their own kids let alone someone else's

@Namechangeme1

In terms of how to avoid these annoying scenarios when you are the childless one, I simply decided one day I didn't really fit in anymore but it gave me lots of scope to pursue hobbies so I embraced that. And I stopped pretending to be fascinated.

Good for you, I've engaged in more hobbies and like you say stopped pretending to be interested (well I never did lol). I can't do it.

Maybe I'll lose friends but I'm sticking to my guns on this one. Men don't have to pretend to be interested in their friends kids because society doesn't expect it - so why should I have to?

There's a balance - but I honestly just feel it should be a brief discussion about how the baby is and that's it. Anything more and I'm out.

You're totally right. I was pregnant and sober at my 40th birthday, a very happily childless longtime friend got hammered and spent a good portion of the night toasting the end of our friendship while making various speeches reminiscing about the fun we'd had before I joined the ranks of the insufferable. The smug mums were outraged. It was frankly hilarious.

Oh that’s strange

Honestly my DH talks about our kids during his work meetings even and even brings them to the screen at times when he works from home

I’m not gloating but maybe we need more men to do that instead of putting the pressure on women yet again to feel guilty.

Aren’t you still policing women on what they need to do by benchmarking them against men? Who says what men do is the positive thing? Maybe we need to teach them how to be a bit more like Women instead ? Especially when we know the evolutionary wise women were the more nurturing and better parent so it’s men that need to learn from us when it comes to parenting and take away the load and not the other way round

I think it’s sexist to hold men’s lifestyle as the true example of what’s right instead of challenge it

Women as a segment of society and evolutionary speaking have been socialised better at taking on nurturing roles and therefore it’s men that need to look up to what we do and try step up with their parenting

When they do that then more women might have the much needed respite so they can have time
To chill childfree with friends

You’re directing your anger at your friends instead of society which holds mothers at impossible
Standards

And you’re adding to those standards

You’re trying to get pregnant, so you’re likely to at some point in the future be surrounded by other women who were impregnated around the same time, and their offspring. I’m not childless, I’m childfree, I have a strong group of on.one women friends who are childfree, and I’m never around kids or parents, by choice. Bliss.

*online

He's the minority you only have to looks at threads on Mumsnet to see many women moaning that even their children's fathers aren't interested in their own kids let alone someone else's
He is not really. I work in a male dominated environment the ones with DC talk about the DC a lot especially young DC.
I know my partner does, his colleague knew the DC's names, interests.

Completely understand you OP, I'm child free but not by choice. I think going through infertility makes it harder to connect with friends with children because of the relentlessness of the struggle and the toll it takes on you mentally, emotionally and physically. I find they just can't understand or sympathise (as much as they think they can) with your struggle and there's definitely an element of self absorption which stops them being fully present with you. It's also hard to constantly be excited about seeing something you want so near yet so far and I think that does also impact friendships even though on the surface you might think you are okay. Having said that I have friends with children and child free friends and I do wish I could spend more alone time with the ones who have children because sadly they do become distracted and self absorbed again without realising, but to put it bluntly a lot of the time I put up with the kids to get that time with my friends. It did make me laugh when a poster up thread said their friend loves playing auntie to their kids, they could be talking about me as I play the part well they wouldn't know that I see the kids as a necessary inconvenience and would prefer to see them alone. I can imagine pp's friend could possibly feel the same way.

I think there are apps for mums
To make new friends because motherhood is so so isolating

I think those apps have also people who want to link up due to fertility struggles

One of them is called MUSH it’s how I made friends when I first became a mother

I don't understand how someone can conclude that you don't sound maternal just from your posts on this thread. They seem to be interpreting what sounds like your weariness about the situation as not being maternal, I've been there.

[quote Namechangeme1]@OnlyFoolsnMothers I think you've missed the point - a Jew job/boyfriend etc doesn't have to be discussed at length at every meet up. Kids and Babies do - at least people I know this is what happens [/quote]
Not all parents are like this. Lots yes but there are plenty who may mention when asked but otherwise actually really want some adult conversation

[quote Namechangeme1]@Lottapianos exactly. Your post sums up what I'm trying to say. With jo other area of life is it acceptable to go on and on about something UNLESs the other person is going through similar or in the same field or can relate in some way.

That is why friends are friends because they have COMMON interests. That's the point of a friendship.

Now don't get it twisted I'm not saying the opposite - never talk about your kids at all. That would be silly and selfish. But what I'm saying is that I don't want to be involved in whole WhatsApp groups about kids or not really more than ten or fifteen minutes of discussion about it because it's boring.

For those of you that still can't relate imagine talking about something you have zero interest in - maybe cars, or engineering or whatever else you have no interest in. Now imagine your friend spoke about it every meet. How would you feel? [/quote]
I agree with you and I'm a parent. I am interested a normal amount in how friends kids are doing but I dont want to only talk about that.. nor about my child. I can have conversations with some friends where I have called to talk about something non child related and specific - often to ask how they're getting on with something they've mentioned before - and can end up 30mim in realising a. We have literally only spoken about their child and how gifted they are for that time b. I havent been asked how I am once. It is very dull

Not sure I entirely see this with me OP - perhaps you need new friends? 3 of my current circle of 4 close friends are child free. Here’s how it works - the friend with kids - we might meet during the day time and conversations revolve around kids and kids activities and baby etc. We know and understand about need for babysitters for evening gatherings and in fact share a babysitter. We bump into each other at sports grounds and wait together for activities. Lovely!

The 3 others - also lovely but in different way! one I’m going out for dinner and drinks with tonight and I absolutely know we won’t talk about kids for more than two secs as we simply have other stuff to catch up on. Another is coming over to mine for dinner and G&T next week after my kids are fast asleep.

I find it easy to maintain these overlapping friendships - perhaps you need to make sure to schedule meet ups at kid free times ?