To feel sad when you are the only childless person...

[Namechangeme1]

Just that really. I never thought this would be me but I feel really sad that life is different.

That not having children would make you feel so alien to 95% or other people.

DH says find new friends. I find this impossible - I'm outgoing and confident but whenever starting new relationships they seem to be flaky and then fizzle out or feel like a one way street.

It's a really sad situation and feel it burdens females most - has anyone else had this happen to them? Any advice?

I just feel like my youth is almost over and unless I also become a parent I'll be an outsider forever amongst most friendship groups.

It's just not the same - people change after children. It's not for better or for worse but it's just difficult to maintain solid friendships after.

I am childree by choice, 35 years old. For some time I mourned the friendship I had with my best friend at the time who I have known for 25 years. The friendship is on hold since the first baby.

I think a central part is what your friendships are based on. I learned that what I value most is doing things I enjoy - together. I just do not enjoy contact with small children and even less talking about them. To many other people it is more important to talk about their issues or whatever.

So the solution for me: find people to do stuff with. I deepened my involvement in an existing hobby of mine and now I am very passionate about it. And along the way I found people who are passionate about it as well. They are between 15 and 65 years old. Somehow none of them are around 35 years old.

[quote Namechangeme1]@burnoutbabe it still is rare. Every single one of my friends have had children or are pregnancy so it can't be that uncommon [/quote]
Sorry for daily Mail link but 20% childless is quoted here. Now assume half or even a quarter are that way by choice and it's a lot of women. I imagine it may well be skewed location/ education so easier to meet child free women in big cities where they may have moved for various jobs etc.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-5227051/amp/Britain-nearly-women-not-having-children.html

@Namechangeme1 I wouldn't have thought you would've said that to their face but the reason I'm asking is if they pick up on it, it could be areason for the distance? When you said you hated being around them, I thought you would've avoided it. It is hard to get time away from kids, as long as there's give and take on both ends.

@burnoutbabe it's location - I think if you live in London you'd find lots of career driven child free women. When you live in a town like me - unlikely

@burnoutbabe well not where I live there aren’t

@Peach01 - I have started to try abs be more welcoming with the kids but the bottom line is at weekends that's my time off from one heck of a week - do I want to make small talk with children in that time / not really!

In my 30s most of my friends had their children while I struggled with infertility. I felt terrible about not being a parent, but I didn't avoid all my friends. Just tried to see them for evenings or spent time with them and their kids during the day. It's only in the first few years that people are totally distracted and obsessed with their children- it does ease off!

In my 40s we adopted two kids. By then most of my friends had older children - they then were the ones who came round/ went out with me and mine. I also made lots of 'mum' acquaintances - true friends were harder to find as my older child had difficult behaviours and other people's kids didn't want to play with them. Got on better with other parents re the younger one as they didn't have the same issues. But I was also older than the other mums, which I found awkward at times. So I never really felt part of the regular 'club" of local parents.

I did meet a lot of other adoptive parents though, but again the kids often had special needs and in any case we mostly only saw each other every so often as they weren't at our local school or in our immediate local area.

So I know how it feels to feel isolated socially. With my eldest ironically, I ended up actively cultivating child-free friends, older friends and friends with teens / twenty pluses. It was easier than hanging out with people who had kids her age, sadly. And I lost some potential good friends because if it. (Now adult child is lovely by the way!)

@Namechangeme1 its hard for your free time to match up with someone elses, no matter how much you want to.

Would your friends expect you to put in a lot of effort with their kids? You're there for your friend not the child. They probably wouldn't. I have kids but I've never been good with other people's. It's nice when people are good with your children, it means a lot but I wouldn't expect it. You probably have more in common with the kids than you think, they probably don't care for it either lol. They have their eyes on the prize, stopping at that park they've been promised en route home

The biggest determinant for friendship is... proximity. You become friends with people who are around you.

If most of your friends have children and you don’t, it’s much harder to maintain the proximity.

I’m happy and CF but whenever a friend announces their pregnancy a little bit of me is sad as I think ‘well, there goes that friendship’. You can generally maintain a decent friendship when they have a single baby, but as soon as the second one comes along it’s exponentially harder.

“Do you not like hanging out with friends children”

I don’t mind it, but I find it’s hard for parents to have a conversation when they have to keep an eye on one or more children and deal with their needs.

There’s also nothing wrong with not seeking fulfilment elsewhere, and mourning your loss but carrying on as best you can.

I think some of us are hoping for life to be a bit more than just ‘carrying on as best’ we can though.
Or are we deluding ourselves.

I can't think of a single friend who became better company after having children. So why limit your horizons to theirs? You should be out there having the life that they envy!

@Peach01 you’re completely right.

I can see both sides of this as had fertility issues for 9 years and finally had Dd at 40.

My friends had little ones during this time and I just didn’t get it, I found it dull having them around and felt awkward with all the invites to kids parties, which I didn’t attend as it was just a bizarre situation to be in and made me really uncomfortable.

Then I had my own..as @Peach01 says, you’re still the same person inside but it’s so overwhelming, you do need those mum friends around who are going though the same thing.
It’s all consuming but I wouldn’t say parents of those with kids in the early years are self absorbed! There is literally no other option 🙈

Also, I feel proud of my Dd and love my friends so would like them to be part of my DD’s life (if they want to be!)

It’s complicated as I really remember feeling the complete opposite when I didn’t have Dd and can completely understand

You should be out there having the life that they envy!

Did you miss the op has fertility issues? Not exactly the most sensitive post.

To me, having a child below reception age just makes it impossible to have time to myself in an organised planned way..

I yearned for that and desperately tried to hold on to my pre maternal identity but it was simply not good for my mental health and I learnt to give in to the reality of the sacrifices needed for my kids in those early years

Some people are super lucky that they have enough support to be able to carve out me time

I used to find it very insensitive when friends would ask me judgementally why I wouldn’t just leave kids with husband or mum etc..

Husband was working overtime and so was my mother. Not everyone has that privilege.

And so , I think to me I really cherished my friendships from before my parenting and desperately wanted to try to maintain them

But equally, I found it too painful when they judged me and shamed me for not being able to organise time where my kids won’t consume my attention during the day or where I wouldn’t just want to collapse to bed in the evening

I think the reality of motherhood of young ones is different for each family dynamic but the one thing that is true to everyone is that it’s quite a lot more consuming than we originally anticipate

So I would say OP that you might be under estimating what your friends are willing to do in order to maintain a friendship with you.. but you need to be willing and open to give and take in order to make it work

I have 2 young kids and I’m desperate to go out with friends and not bring the kids or talk about my kids or anyone else’s kids AT ALL. I find that increasingly as more of my friends have children, the topic of conversation becomes children and it’s really boring! I’d rather live vicariously through my child free friends and only hear about what they’re up to! Also, I absolutely hate arranging what is clearly a friends catch up and someone says “can I bring my kids”. Urgh so annoying. Sorry small rant.

@katy1213

I can't think of a single friend who became better company after having children. So why limit your horizons to theirs? You should be out there having the life that they envy!

Also I love my friends we've been there for each other through births deaths and all of random life in between, it doesn't mean it doesnt feel painful though, but I dont want to lose those people.

I'm childless by choice and I agree that you do lose some friends when they start having families. It's an all-encompassing, exhausting slog by the looks of it, and I don't envy them a bit.

However, it doesn't have to be a permanent loss. One of my friends who had her children young has already come out the other side and we hang out again. The others are catching up as their children start school.

Ir's important I think, if you're childfree, to widen your friendship group during these years. I've always had a lot of gay friends, most of which are childfree. I also have childfree friends that are both older and younger than me.

Your old friends will come back eventually, so take the opportunity to find new ones while they're busy. You won't regret it - no-one ever had too many friends.

@DeepThinkingGirl

To me, having a child below reception age just makes it impossible to have time to myself in an organised planned way..

I yearned for that and desperately tried to hold on to my pre maternal identity but it was simply not good for my mental health and I learnt to give in to the reality of the sacrifices needed for my kids in those early years

Some people are super lucky that they have enough support to be able to carve out me time

I used to find it very insensitive when friends would ask me judgementally why I wouldn’t just leave kids with husband or mum etc..

Husband was working overtime and so was my mother. Not everyone has that privilege.

And so , I think to me I really cherished my friendships from before my parenting and desperately wanted to try to maintain them

But equally, I found it too painful when they judged me and shamed me for not being able to organise time where my kids won’t consume my attention during the day or where I wouldn’t just want to collapse to bed in the evening

I think the reality of motherhood of young ones is different for each family dynamic but the one thing that is true to everyone is that it’s quite a lot more consuming than we originally anticipate

So I would say OP that you might be under estimating what your friends are willing to do in order to maintain a friendship with you.. but you need to be willing and open to give and take in order to make it work

I've been trying comment but was really struggling to word it and put my point across in the right way so I didn't bother in the end. But you and absolutely nailed it! So thank you for that.

I was childless for years due to infertility and not only do you suffer the wretched desperation and sadness of being unable to have children, which is dreadful in itself, it is awful watching your friends move on and become different people with different interests, utterly absorbed in the mum life.

Eventually almost everyone you know has at least one kid. They make mum friends and do mum things and you're totally left out of the club. Sadness aside, it is often boring to be around young families when you're not in that position. Everything is about what the children would like to do and it's mostly incompatible with the likes of any adult without children.

I have a child after IVF and my feelings on the matter are the same because I'm now one of those people utterly absorbed in my young child. My lifestyle has changed completely. I think it's inevitable for most people who have children. It's consuming and also restrictive. I'm sure I'm terrible company for people without kids, and that's despite me understanding what that's like.

I'm sorry you're in this position It really is very unfair and I hope it works out for you.

@Ozanj

I think this depends on how old you are and where you are in your fertility journey really and how much you supported them when kids were young. I’m 40 and recently had my first. All of my family and friends have completed their families now and many used me as free childcare for years - I was at softplays, doing pick ups and drop offs, changing plans to include kids; and now it’s my turn I’m furious it seems to all have been forgotten. I usually have to remind people to guilt trip them into meeting up but it’s wearing thing.

The sad thing is, where I am, most mums of babies are in their early 30s and don’t want to make friends with a 40 something. So I’m stuck with these selfish gits.

Yes! I have experienced the exact same thing, and it hurts. I’ve had to work really hard at pushing myself to make new friends that I can relate to for this current period of my life,

BUT, I can sort of relate OP. Whilst I am incredibly lucky to have had a child that I have desperately wanted all my life, I have nearly always been single, and therefore excluded or invited solo to many, many engagements and events per child.

Even now with my new friends I still don’t see them at evenings, weekends, Bank Holidays etc. It’s either “family time” or they socialise with other families. It’s as if I do not fit as do not have a partner or husband.

So I have friends during the week, but have never been to dinner parties, spontaneous weekend BBQ’s, that kind of thing. It’s just my son and I and I do feel very lonely and isolated.

What I also find hurtful and isolating is the societal obsession with a nuclear family unit. “Family” holiday, “family” day out, “family fun”.

I never imagined I wouldn’t have children, tbh the thing that hurts me the most is that I’ll never take a family on those bucket and spade holidays. It’s so lonely.

People do change after having children though, they have to put their children first. So becoming absorbed in what your children are doing in the early years is normal and what some of us have to do to not be shitty parents. We don't all have family support or free childcare so if a friend wants to meet sometimes the child has to be there. Yes that changes the dynamic but it's not forever and wouldn't you rather see your friend with child there than not at all? You can ask to never see or hear about the persons child but the friendship can't all be on the child free persons terms just because that's how it used to be.

Yes, it can be excruciatingly painful

I feel this OP. And getting older seems to make this worse, IME. I am also childless not by choice, and although my relationships with my old friends is largely unchanged regardless of some of them having children (we have been friends for over 30 years), I really find it difficult making new friends, as most women my age (early 40s) have children and thus a different lifestyle (which I am envious of), whilst childless women I meet tend to be much younger, so although their lifestyles might be similar to mine their interests and outlook are often really different to mine too. I guess what I’m trying to say is that there is a mismatch in lifestage and outlook that makes it hard to find really compatible friends. I have some lovely newer childless friends who are in their early 30s whose company I really enjoy and with whom I can go out and have adventures, but they are all planning to have children in the next few years, so once again I’ll be out of sync.

Yes, it can be so hard sometimes. I'm childfree not by choice, and I've never known pain like it sometimes, an innocent comment from a friend that can cut you so deep and they'd never even know it.

I never had loads of friends anyway but it feels like my peers have moved on with their lives and I'm still stuck, floundering in some weird Peter Pan-esque way.