To feel sad when you are the only childless person...

[Namechangeme1]

Just that really. I never thought this would be me but I feel really sad that life is different.

That not having children would make you feel so alien to 95% or other people.

DH says find new friends. I find this impossible - I'm outgoing and confident but whenever starting new relationships they seem to be flaky and then fizzle out or feel like a one way street.

It's a really sad situation and feel it burdens females most - has anyone else had this happen to them? Any advice?

I just feel like my youth is almost over and unless I also become a parent I'll be an outsider forever amongst most friendship groups.

It's just not the same - people change after children. It's not for better or for worse but it's just difficult to maintain solid friendships after.

I feel you OP. I'm in my late 40s and childfree by circumstance...no infertility or anything but my life just didn't work out that way although I always thought I'd have kids when I was younger.

All of my friends have children, a lot started late so their kids are still infant / primary age, some started early so they now have grandchildren. There are so many meetups that I'm just not invited to any more as they are focused around the kids (tbh I wouldn't want to go to a lot of them!) but its also put a distance on the relationships as whole as their friendships have grown stronger as a result of spending time all together whereas I've just become more peripheral, and when we do see each other not only is there a lot of talk about the children, but about things they've all been doing together.

I spend a lot of time with DH or alone, and I have some friends through work that I go out for drinks with etc...they are all half my age though and I'm not always convinced they want the old bird along. Its not easy.

OP wants children and is trying to have them (and I very much hope you are able to ) so all these ‘I’m so fucking glad I don’t have kids’ comments probably aren’t helpful.

I was 40 when I had DS, so I really sympathise with this. I have to admit that while motherhood can be isolating and lonely, it does give a natural route into friendships, and that was a consideration in wanting a baby.

I wish you well.

It's also like - a pregnancy and a baby becomes the feature of EVERYTHING, you can no longer meet that person without some discussion about how the pregnancy/baby is.

Even if I was pregnant (which I have been) - I didn't want people asking me every time and if I could have chosen would have kept it secret to save the fuss. As much as I was happy as those times I didn't want to always discuss it - it's just Unnecessary IMO.

Someone earlier mentioned I'm not child person - there's more than one way to be a parent and it doesn't mean openly gushing all the time. Men don't do it / once again it's that societal pressure women must be these maternal outwardly doting people.

But guess that's for another thread!

@Namechangeme1

It's also like - a pregnancy and a baby becomes the feature of EVERYTHING, you can no longer meet that person without some discussion about how the pregnancy/baby is.

Even if I was pregnant (which I have been) - I didn't want people asking me every time and if I could have chosen would have kept it secret to save the fuss. As much as I was happy as those times I didn't want to always discuss it - it's just Unnecessary IMO.

Someone earlier mentioned I'm not child person - there's more than one way to be a parent and it doesn't mean openly gushing all the time. Men don't do it / once again it's that societal pressure women must be these maternal outwardly doting people.

But guess that's for another thread!

I don’t see why that’s an issue, this was my issue with friends I lost after I had children. Why wouldn’t you ask about someone’s child? Just like I ask after people jobs, new flats, boyfriends etc... if you don’t want to be interested in a friends life then that’s why people loose friends, it goes both ways.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers I think you've missed the point - a Jew job/boyfriend etc doesn't have to be discussed at length at every meet up. Kids and Babies do - at least people I know this is what happens

[quote Namechangeme1]@OnlyFoolsnMothers I think you've missed the point - a Jew job/boyfriend etc doesn't have to be discussed at length at every meet up. Kids and Babies do - at least people I know this is what happens [/quote]
Not at any great length but equal- if you ask me about my life at the moment as I’m on Mat leave it’s about 70-% kids, 5% husband the rest: gym, tv shows, state of my house- if I talk to one of my friends it’s 60% work, 20% family 20% mortgage issues- everyone is different. We also talk politics, current social affairs etc
I’m out for dinner with friends on Friday, one will come to mine first to meet my baby and then we will carry on for drinks and dinner. My friends that wanted to act like my child didn’t exist we no longer speak.

What often happens is the people with children end up talking amongst themselves about their kids. You have nothing to contribute. You sit like a lemon literally saying nothing for half an hour and nobody notices.

@Orgasmagorical

I was at a local event with two of my neighbours and their families. We were all having a great time and left the children and husbands to enjoy themselves while we walked back to the street. The two mums started talking about their children and I felt so left out. It wasn't intentional on their part and I'm sure they wouldn't have done it if they had known my circumstances (my baby died at a few months old) but it did hurt. I know it was my issue, they hadn't done anything wrong.

I have found it much easier now that I'm older and my friends' children are older and mostly adults now.

I know what you mean though, Namechange, you feel like you don't belong to a club in a way.

I hope you are okay after such a loss

@PurpleDaisies

What often happens is the people with children end up talking amongst themselves about their kids. You have nothing to contribute. You sit like a lemon literally saying nothing for half an hour and nobody notices.

THIS! I've sat there so many times through discussions about toilet training or weaning, or school choices, when we are in a pub on a night out. One night I actually just left early without saying anything as I felt like there was no point in me being there.

@PurpleDaisies

What often happens is the people with children end up talking amongst themselves about their kids. You have nothing to contribute. You sit like a lemon literally saying nothing for half an hour and nobody notices.

Sounds like those people have very poor social skills or manners.

I hate this idea that childfree or childless people have nothing to contribute. It's just not true in my experience. Some of the best support or best advice and reflection I've had around parenting issues has been from my friends who don't have kids. They tend to see things with a fresh pair of eyes, and have plenty of ideas and thoughts around stuff to do with childrearing. I think sometimes people without kids are wary about bringing up their thoughts on a discussion because they're worried parents will shoot them down and tell them they can't possibly contribute anything until they've had a kid of their own. But it's just not true.

In the nicest way possible, you don't sound the maternal type at all @Namechangeme1**

What is your point? Lots of people weren’t maternal before they had their children. I read it on here all the time.

I hate this idea that childfree or childless people have nothing to contribute.

I have nothing to contribute to a discussion on toilet training. I have nothing to contribute to a discussion on which local soft play is the best or how do do baby led weaning. Or cloth nappies vs regular.

It is not a lack of confidence on my part. I literally have nothing to say.

This is a really interesting thread.

I have recently become pregnant via a sperm donor and IVF treatment, aged 39.
It really all depends if you're coming from a place of child free by choice or child free not not by choice.

I don't have any close female friends with children which probably would have made this journey even more difficult.

I wanted a family of my own, no great 'broodiness' or anything like that, and time was running out to meet a suitable partner and start a relationship. Beforehand though, during my mid to late 30s I was already starting to feel that my life was becoming quite repetitive, boring and unfulfilling. I have travelled, had many nights out etc. but I I wanted a new direction and a new dimension in my life. I wanted a responsibility for someone other than myself, to nurture, and hopefully have a life long connection. For me, being single, childless, with no family nearby and only a couple of good friends, wasn't fulfilling enough, but it really all depends on your wider support networks.

I found being single and childless not by choice challenging more from a societal point of view, so I sympathise with the posters who are in this position and feel disconnected from others.

@PurpleDaisies

I hate this idea that childfree or childless people have nothing to contribute.

I have nothing to contribute to a discussion on toilet training. I have nothing to contribute to a discussion on which local soft play is the best or how do do baby led weaning. Or cloth nappies vs regular.

It is not a lack of confidence on my part. I literally have nothing to say.

Fair enough.

I tend to be able to find at least something to say about pretty much any topic, if only just asking the person a bit more about it. For example weaning 'oh, what's baby led weaning? What's the idea behind that? Have you found any recipes yet?' Cloth nappies 'cool, I didn't know they did those. Is it expensive? I wonder if they'll become the norm in the future...' etc.

You might not want to, which is fair, and if your friends are the sort to sit and talk to you about things that you're not really into endlessly without turning the conversation back to something you are enthusiastic about then they sound like rubbish friends you might not want to make much effort with. But you can learn to converse about pretty much anything even if you have little to contribute. Heck, I once managed a decent conversation with someone who'd just lectured on quantum physics or something ridiculous like that by asking how they got into the field and how they thought it was useful day to day, that sort of thing.

You probably don’t mean it but that’s an incredibly patronising post @ChangePart1
I’m not an idiot. I know how to make small talk.

Why would I want to talk about nappies for a baby everyone knows I will never have?

@PurpleDaisies

Why would I want to talk about nappies for a baby everyone knows I will never have?

Because part of friendships if you want to maintain them is talking about things your friends are interested in? Because that might be preferable to sitting there 'like a lemon' in silence?

You say 'I have nothing to contribute' but I'm pointing out that's a choice. If you're choosing to contribute nothing then that's fine, and your friendships will likely be impacted as a result.

I did say You might not want to, which is fair. It wasn't really clear whether your sitting there in silence was due to a choice not to engage or an inability to know how to.

Cloth nappies are not some new fangled thing either, I imagine most people know that even if they’ve never had a baby!

Children are just one thing that happens to people in their life. When I meet up with friends, we talk about what's going on in our lives. That may or may not include their children.

Why would I want to talk about nappies for a baby everyone knows I will never have?

Why would I want to talk about skydiving when it's something I will never do? Perhaps because my friend just took it up as a hobby, and I love my friend and have an interest in her life.

I have nothing to add when my friends talk about shit they watch on TV that I haven't seen. So I just don't add anything and wait until the conversation moves onto something I can add to. That's just the nature of socialising!

Because part of friendships if you want to maintain them is talking about things your friends are interested in? Because that might be preferable to sitting there 'like a lemon' in silence?

With respect, I don’t think you have any idea what it’s like to talk about babies when you’re struggling with infertility.

Yes, my friendships are impacted. It’s another horrific side effect of not being able to have kids.

Why would I want to talk about skydiving when it's something I will never do?

Presumably you aren’t utterly destroyed by the fact you can’t go skydiving?

I’m loving how people who have had children are explaining to those of us that can’t how we should cope when our friends are all taking about their babies.

@PurpleDaisies

That's the first time on this thread you've mentioned that you are infertile.

I'm very sorry, and my advice to you really wasn't given with that in mind, because I had no way of knowing.

@PurpleDaisies sorry for your struggles but honestly I do get frustrated with infertility being the get out of talking about children card- I lost both my parents by the time I was 20, my mum when I was 8- do you know how many school years I had to colour whilst my friends made Mother’s Day cards, how many conversations I’ve had with friends about their mothers or fathers, friends talking about senior job roles I’ll never be able to climb to- that’s life!

@CounsellorTroi

In the nicest way possible, you don't sound the maternal type at all @Namechangeme1**

What is your point? Lots of people weren’t maternal before they had their children. I read it on here all the time.

Everyone seems to equate being 'maternal' with being a gushy mumsy mum. You can still be a great mum without become a stereotype.

I've unfortunately had the same experience as OP with most friends that had kids earlier than us, but out of all of them, there are two friendships that have stood the test of time and the common theme about them is that they don't mention their children constantly and still have interests of their own.

Even since becoming a mother myself, I'm still inclined to keep my distance from the parents that only want to talk about kids and nothing else. It gets dull very quickly.