Is My Marriage "Toast"

[BravoCharlie]

I'm struggling with my DW who I'm finding increasingly controlling over what I can and can not do.

We just had new carpets installed two months ago on the top floors of the house. We both wfh, she downstairs and me up. Slept in a bit today, so quickly went downstairs to make coffee and toast and took it back upstairs to eat it when starting work.

This didn't go down well. She told me it was unacceptable to take food upstairs because of crumbs on the carpet. She let me do it this time, but said that in future there will no food upstairs. I sort of saw this coming and earlier in the week she said that I couldn't take a hot drink to bed.

I lack assertion, so I told her that I thought it was unreasonable. She said "all people would think eating food upstairs is disguising".. so I put it to you. Is she right? AIBU?

Now, where did I see that they sold backbones? Must get a link....

You're not a child, she has no right telling you where you can eat and drink in your own house.

Tell her to fuck off ordering you about, and she's your wife, not your mother.

She ‘let’ you, ‘she said that I couldn’t’… err, you have a much bigger issue than what can and cannot be taken upstairs op. (And for the record, I eat and drink where I like in my own house, and so should you!) Grow a spine and have a serious conversation with her.

As long as you are cleaning up any mess after yourself I don’t see an issue.

If your wife is one of the posters who has to scrub skid marks out the toilet after you I’m completely in agreement with her though.

I think she should have made this rule clear before you invested in new carpets. I assume there wasn't an issue before?

I think you need to nip this in the bud.

I’m with her personally, I think eating upstairs is gross. I only allow people to eat in the dining room so any crumbs or mess are contained in one room.

It's your work space. Of course it's ok to take food and drink upstairs, assuming you don't make a big mess and expect your wife to clear away crockery and clean everything.

There's an imbalance in your relationship if you feel you need to ask her permission to do things like this in your own home.

@Whyhello

I’m with her personally, I think eating upstairs is gross. I only allow people to eat in the dining room so any crumbs or mess are contained in one room.

What if someone’s ill in bed with a temperature? Would you force them to get up and come downstairs for a cup of tea/toast?

Who does the housework? If she's having to clean up after you (like you would a child) she had every right to say you're not making more mess in other areas of the house she will have to clean. We don't eat upstairs, but that's by mutual agreement and was relaxed when we were

Working from home a lot

I have banned my 13 year old from eating upstairs in his room (not for crumbs but because he hides the leftovers under his bed and the plates in drawers). Unless you are doing the same I would say she is being completely unreasonable.

I’m with your DW

Its been bubbling along for years.. we're in our 30s and its a sexless marriage. I told her 18 months ago that I don't want to have sex with someone who treats me like a kid the whole time. And that she needs to stop telling me what to do the whole time. She says she doesn't want to have sex with me because "why would you want to have sex with someone who hangs the dishcloth off the tap, and not in the holder where it should be"

Its not just this, its everything. When I use the dust pan and brush, she shouts at me for brushing towards the corner as she says that the proper way to do it is to sweep it to the center.

We share the housework. And we have a cleaner every other week

Is this about sex or toast?

I think that no food upstairs is a fairly reasonable house rule in itself. I don't insist on it myself, but I know people who do. But if there are lots of other examples of controlling behaviour then that is a problem.

Cross posted. She sounds like a nightmare.

Your wife sounds very controlling.

So I agree, i'm not the tidest person in the world. I ate on plate, I didn't drop crumbs and I'd clean up after myself if I did. I will take the plate back down when I go for lunch

But she isn't the tidest person in the world either. She is very unorganised - I do all the paperwork and house admin

This is obviously a symptom of a wider problem. If she is that controlling about everything then that isn't healthy and unless she is prepared to work on it in relationship counselling then I would suggest you end the relationship. At the moment it seems like you intensely dislike each other and aren't physical. That's not any kind of relationship.

Seems very controlling to me.

Oh my god, OP this sounds like a very stressful way to live. I think you and your wife need to have some serious conversations about how she talks to you and what you really want from life and your relationship xx

It sounds like you don't like each other so why are you still together? One of you needs to take a stand and end the marriage as you both sound miserable together.

Jesus, get a divorce. Why would you willingly live like this?

Imagine having your own home and doing whatever makes you happy without being told off like a child every time.