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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is My Marriage "Toast"

224 replies

BravoCharlie · 28/05/2021 10:16

I'm struggling with my DW who I'm finding increasingly controlling over what I can and can not do.

We just had new carpets installed two months ago on the top floors of the house. We both wfh, she downstairs and me up. Slept in a bit today, so quickly went downstairs to make coffee and toast and took it back upstairs to eat it when starting work.

This didn't go down well. She told me it was unacceptable to take food upstairs because of crumbs on the carpet. She let me do it this time, but said that in future there will no food upstairs. I sort of saw this coming and earlier in the week she said that I couldn't take a hot drink to bed.

I lack assertion, so I told her that I thought it was unreasonable. She said "all people would think eating food upstairs is disguising".. so I put it to you. Is she right? AIBU?

OP posts:
shivawn · 28/05/2021 10:38

I told her 18 months ago that I don't want to have sex with someone who treats me like a kid the whole time.

I know a couple just like this! They have a real mother-son vibe to the relationship that is quite alarming!

You're not being unreasonable to eat upstairs in your own house. She needs to chill out a bit and stop being so controlling. I'm sorry but you sound quite poorly matched.

Also, 30's is very early to be in a sexless marriage!! Are you happy OP?

Biffbaff · 28/05/2021 10:40

She sounds abusive.

ifyougetthechancedoit · 28/05/2021 10:42

I do wonder what a post from your wife on the same subject would look like. I suspect you are both really miserable.

Marriage requires teamwork. You need to openly communicate and work through your differences. If you can't do this, and you've stopped having sex because neither of you likes the way the other one behaves, I'm not sure why you are still together!

SunscreenCentral · 28/05/2021 10:43

Get out now op. You still have plenty of time. And use contraception if you do end up being together in bed.
Good luck.

Taoneusa · 28/05/2021 10:43

She sounds upset. If she was relaxed and happy she would be more easy going. She’s upset about something, maybe even she doesn’t know what, exactly. Relaxation methods might help, yoga, counselling, hypnotherapy tapes.

SoLongSister · 28/05/2021 10:43

Christ, if only your problem was toast.

Why are you still married ?

Original poster
BravoCharlie · 28/05/2021 10:44

The thing is, I guess you could describe it as cyclical. Prior to today it had been ok for three or four weeks. I told her I wasn't happy with how I was being treated, and she becomes very lovey dovey. Like literally over the top, congratulating me when ever I cooked a meal or put the washing out. And I feel good and then today I feel awful.

OP posts:
tootiredtospeak · 28/05/2021 10:45

Weird maybe I would say this to my kids as they really would make a mess but you are an adult tel her to do one.

Original poster
BravoCharlie · 28/05/2021 10:46

I do think she has some underlying stuff she needs to sort. I started to get help as in lockdown I wasn't coping. She admitted being controlling and aggressive and I suggested she gets help but she refuses and says that the problem is with me and that I need to get more help. She suggested that I allow her to control me

OP posts:
AssassinatedBeauty · 28/05/2021 10:47

But it wasn't "ok", because neither of you are interested in sex with the other and your wife masking her contempt for you for a couple of weeks doesn't make it ok.

AutumnLeafDance · 28/05/2021 10:47

Hey OP, I'm sorry things have deteriorated to this point. The comments you've described sound plain nasty. I've always thought that in any kind of domestic living arrangement the 'clean freaks' need to relax their standards a bit and the 'slobs' need to make more of an effort, and hopefully both parties can meet somewhere in the middle. It seems that in your case it's her way or the high way. Do you still love her? Could seeking professional help to work on more positive communication strategies be worth a shot? Best of luck to you both.

jay55 · 28/05/2021 10:50

Hoovers work upstairs.

But yes your marriage is toast, you don't like each other.

ZoeMaye · 28/05/2021 10:57

Yes your marriage is toast. Time to move on

myfuckingfreezer · 28/05/2021 10:58

I’m with her personally, I think eating upstairs is gross

Genuinely why? What is gross?

Fluffycloudland77 · 28/05/2021 11:00

Life’s too short for this. Divorce and move on.

Velvian · 28/05/2021 11:00

I would not be impressed if someone told me I couldn't have a cup of tea and food at my desk. YANBU.

HollowTalk · 28/05/2021 11:03

So tell her to work upstairs, then, and see how she likes it when she can't even have a cup of tea while she works.

She sounds incredibly controlling and unless you've missing out essential info, like you leaving the remains of a Chinese takeaway on her side of the bed, you need to look at whether it's good for you to live together.

ThePlantsitter · 28/05/2021 11:08

What are her good points OP?

Ostryga · 28/05/2021 11:08

@BravoCharlie

The thing is, I guess you could describe it as cyclical. Prior to today it had been ok for three or four weeks. I told her I wasn't happy with how I was being treated, and she becomes very lovey dovey. Like literally over the top, congratulating me when ever I cooked a meal or put the washing out. And I feel good and then today I feel awful.
This is typical emotional abuse.

You really do not need to live like this.

Serpenta · 28/05/2021 11:10

@Whyhello

I’m with her personally, I think eating upstairs is gross. I only allow people to eat in the dining room so any crumbs or mess are contained in one room.
I couldn't put up with a spouse telling me in which rooms I was 'allowed' to eat.
CounsellorTroi · 28/05/2021 11:10

She admitted being controlling and aggressive and I suggested she gets help but she refuses and says that the problem is with me and that I need to get more help. She suggested that I allow her to control me

This is a typical abuser’s tactic too.

JLQ1020 · 28/05/2021 11:12

I think marriage counselling might work for both of you. 1 person isn't to blame as I'm sure you do things that annoy her as well. I agree eating upstairs is fine and it's daft to expect you to eat only downstairs.
I wouldn't say throw in the towel without trying to resolve issues.

iamtheoneandonlyyy · 28/05/2021 11:13

I remember not being allowed to leave water in the sink.
I got out, just walk away op. Life's too short and it won't magically get better

Blossomtoes · 28/05/2021 11:14

For God’s sake, what are either of you getting from this? It sounds like torture. It’s done. Leave and move on.

toto23 · 28/05/2021 11:14

My DH and I have agreed on no food upstairs .

I also have a preference of no shoes upstairs and my DH is happy with that as well. I don't order him to do or not to do something.

Your wife sounds very controlling.