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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is My Marriage "Toast"

224 replies

BravoCharlie · 28/05/2021 10:16

I'm struggling with my DW who I'm finding increasingly controlling over what I can and can not do.

We just had new carpets installed two months ago on the top floors of the house. We both wfh, she downstairs and me up. Slept in a bit today, so quickly went downstairs to make coffee and toast and took it back upstairs to eat it when starting work.

This didn't go down well. She told me it was unacceptable to take food upstairs because of crumbs on the carpet. She let me do it this time, but said that in future there will no food upstairs. I sort of saw this coming and earlier in the week she said that I couldn't take a hot drink to bed.

I lack assertion, so I told her that I thought it was unreasonable. She said "all people would think eating food upstairs is disguising".. so I put it to you. Is she right? AIBU?

OP posts:
Keepitonthedownlow · 28/05/2021 13:25

She'll probably only get worse I suspect

grapewine · 28/05/2021 13:29

Comments like the above are unhelpful and appear to only have this shitty tone due to people assuming the poster to be a man. If it was a woman, people wouldn’t be saying ‘what’s the matter with you?’

I actually would be saying that either way. But I'm probably a shitty human. Why would you put up with this? We get one life, and there doesn't seem to be children to consider. Not that they should grow up in a home like this.

FijiCavanaugh · 28/05/2021 13:35

@NormanStangerson

And you still didn’t leave?! What on earth’s the matter with you?

Comments like the above are unhelpful and appear to only have this shitty tone due to people assuming the poster to be a man. If it was a woman, people wouldn’t be saying ‘what’s the matter with you?’

And I say that as a poster who is very much not a part of the men defender movement you sometimes see on here.

I dunno posters on here can be very forthright rude to women who don't leave when they should so this comment isn't out of the ordinary. Its not very empathetic though.

OP she sounds controlling and horrible. This has likely wrecked your self esteem leading her to lose even more respect for you. This is unlikely to get better given her attitude of blaming you for both of your issues. You deserve to live without this level of disrespect (even the congratulations sound patronising) so you need to leave. Best of luck.

WilyKitWilyKat · 28/05/2021 13:39

You need to ask yourself whether you want to spend the rest of your life walking on eggshells. It sounds like neither of you are making the other particularly happy. Is this relationship enhancing your life?

Nanalisa60 · 28/05/2021 13:49

I think you need to sit down and be truthful with each other, I don’t think you like each other any more and as you are only in your mid 30’s and not shagging I think it might be time to call it a day!!

Don’t play the blame game just be truthful with each other, no one needs to be living in a sexless unloving relationship, you both deserve better.

knittingaddict · 28/05/2021 13:57

I have deja vu reading this thread. Wasn't there an almost identical one a few days ago?

bumblingbovine49 · 28/05/2021 14:16

@LeafBeetle

I think that no food upstairs is a fairly reasonable house rule in itself. I don't insist on it myself, but I know people who do. But if there are lots of other examples of controlling behaviour then that is a problem.
It is not a reasonable rule when two people are working from home and one of them is based upstairs. The person upstairs can never make a coffee/tea etc to drink while working or have a working lunch which is occasionally necessary in some jobs

It is a pretty outrageous rule in these circumstances

Kokosrieksts · 28/05/2021 14:26

Hahaha, I’d laugh. Has she never heard of a vacuum cleaner? She would faint at our house as we have coffee and biscuits in the bed at weekends :D

GeorgiaGirl52 · 28/05/2021 14:31

Ever heard the term "Housewife"? She is NOT Your DW. She is married to the house. Keeping it clean and tidy in the way she wants it. Give up and get out. Go find yourself a "homemaker" who will accept you as an imperfect human being and love you anyway.

VettiyaIruken · 28/05/2021 14:45

What you describe is controlling behaviour
You need to leave. This isn't going to get better. Flowers

PoppysMummy2021 · 28/05/2021 14:50

This reply has been deleted

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Serpenta · 28/05/2021 14:53

@PoppysMummy2021

Eating food upstairs is a big no no for me too and constantly tell hubby not to! She’s not being controlling for crying out loud. Charlie - are you or your partner a police officer ?
Does silly hubby disobey you?

Naughty step for hubby for breaking the house rules!

Carpedimum · 28/05/2021 14:58

This will only get worse. Make a plan to leave @BravoCharlie - squirrel money away if you haven’t got your own account (set up an account of your own). At your age, a sexless, joyless marriage is no way to live, let alone living with a controlling dictator. She is very unreasonable and is abusive towards you. She gaslights you, and it’s not going to change. Look inward, ask yourself is this how you want to exist? Steel yourself and look to living a happier life without her in it.

thepeopleversuswork · 28/05/2021 15:02

I also think life's too short for this sort of low-level bullying. You don't have sex, you don't respect one another and she's controlling every aspect of your life. You don't say if you have children or not but aside from that I cannot imagine what you get from being in this marriage.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 28/05/2021 15:12

I don't like crumbs and coffee spills in my own house (I live alone) so I put my food on a tray and take it up. Can't you both make a tray compromise.

AndromedaGal · 28/05/2021 15:15

It's over surely. This is not a healthy, loving relationship. Don't let it drag on for years. You're not intimate with one another any more - this is a sure-fire sign that you're both not happy, based on what you've written.

Take some control over your life. Don't become a doormat to someone who has deep-rooted issues. Do what you think is necessary but if I were in your position I would call time (based on what you've posted.)

Life is short. You both deserve to be happier than you are surely.

KenAddams · 28/05/2021 15:28

@EvilEdna1

I have banned my 13 year old from eating upstairs in his room (not for crumbs but because he hides the leftovers under his bed and the plates in drawers). Unless you are doing the same I would say she is being completely unreasonable.
My 12 year old did this with a fucking kebab and forgot it was there OMG!!!!
WilyKitWilyKat · 28/05/2021 15:37

Fundamentally, a relationship should make your life better. Yes, there’ll be ups and downs and yes, there’ll be minor annoyances and disagreements, but is it actually enhancing your life? Or are you just waiting until you break the next unilaterally imposed house rule?

inmyslippers · 28/05/2021 15:41

I think you'd both be happier separated.

Franklyfrost · 28/05/2021 15:43

So my dh is allowed to sweep into the corner but I don’t like it because when I mop the floor I have to get a cloth and clean all the grit out of the corner. He isn’t allowed to leave water in the sink because I then have to put my hand into the filthy water, pull the plug and then wash the fat off the edges of the sink before using it. However I do 95% of the house work so I feel I’m allowed to have opinions about it when it makes my jobs harder.

That said, your wife sounds incredibly unhappy. Which is not good for you or her. Toast is allowed upstairs.

Lovingspring · 28/05/2021 15:56

Neither of you sound very happy OP. It sounds as if she is unhappy so lashes out making you unhappy. I would consider retrying joint counselling or leaving. She might benefit from some individual counselling as well as her behaviour does not sound normal.

tara66 · 28/05/2021 16:08

Whose house is it and who pays all the bills? Who paid for the new carpet?

Mydogmylife · 28/05/2021 16:26

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

I don't like crumbs and coffee spills in my own house (I live alone) so I put my food on a tray and take it up. Can't you both make a tray compromise.
I thought think the situation is a bit past a compromise over a tray !
Sometimesfraught82 · 28/05/2021 16:27

@tara66

Whose house is it and who pays all the bills? Who paid for the new carpet?
Irrelevant It’s a marriage
Sometimesfraught82 · 28/05/2021 16:28

It’s a depressing one, yes