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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is My Marriage "Toast"

224 replies

BravoCharlie · 28/05/2021 10:16

I'm struggling with my DW who I'm finding increasingly controlling over what I can and can not do.

We just had new carpets installed two months ago on the top floors of the house. We both wfh, she downstairs and me up. Slept in a bit today, so quickly went downstairs to make coffee and toast and took it back upstairs to eat it when starting work.

This didn't go down well. She told me it was unacceptable to take food upstairs because of crumbs on the carpet. She let me do it this time, but said that in future there will no food upstairs. I sort of saw this coming and earlier in the week she said that I couldn't take a hot drink to bed.

I lack assertion, so I told her that I thought it was unreasonable. She said "all people would think eating food upstairs is disguising".. so I put it to you. Is she right? AIBU?

OP posts:
Bewareoftherabbits · 28/05/2021 16:30

She sounds absolutely horrid and you deserve far, far better....please find some self worth and confidence and leave

AryaStarkWolf · 28/05/2021 16:31

I couldn't deal with someone ordering me around in my own home like that OP, YADNBU

Arrowheart · 28/05/2021 16:34

Get out now. Please. Life is too short.

PaperbackRider · 28/05/2021 16:34

Eating food upstairs is a big no no for me too and constantly tell hubby not to! She’s not being controlling for crying out loud

She is, and so are you.

Arrowheart · 28/05/2021 16:37

@PoppysMummy2021

Eating food upstairs is a big no no for me too and constantly tell hubby not to! She’s not being controlling for crying out loud. Charlie - are you or your partner a police officer ?
'She's not controlling' said by a poster who tells her hubby not to eat food upstairs. You couldn't make this shit up 😂
AryaStarkWolf · 28/05/2021 16:43

@PoppysMummy2021

Eating food upstairs is a big no no for me too and constantly tell hubby not to! She’s not being controlling for crying out loud. Charlie - are you or your partner a police officer ?
Why are you his boss? I'd tell you to piss off if I were your DH
Original poster
BravoCharlie · 28/05/2021 17:16

@tara66

Whose house is it and who pays all the bills? Who paid for the new carpet?
We own it 50:50. We both paid for it.

I just feel I have to argue for everything. I refused and walked off, but then next time I have to fight for it.

Actually scratch that... next time I will still take my food upstairs but I will just hide it. Sad isnt it

OP posts:
Original poster
BravoCharlie · 28/05/2021 17:18

@Lovingspring

Neither of you sound very happy OP. It sounds as if she is unhappy so lashes out making you unhappy. I would consider retrying joint counselling or leaving. She might benefit from some individual counselling as well as her behaviour does not sound normal.
I've asked, again and again. She says that I cant make her do it. She wont.. I don't understand why. Part of my motivation of saying I wanted to leave was to get her to maybe address her behavior....
OP posts:
Blossomtoes · 28/05/2021 17:21

@NormanStangerson

And you still didn’t leave?! What on earth’s the matter with you?

Comments like the above are unhelpful and appear to only have this shitty tone due to people assuming the poster to be a man. If it was a woman, people wouldn’t be saying ‘what’s the matter with you?’

And I say that as a poster who is very much not a part of the men defender movement you sometimes see on here.

I said that and I’d say it whether the OP was a man, a woman or any other way they chose to identify. It’s hardly shitty to be appalled that anyone would be subject to this kind of treatment.
FetchezLaVache · 28/05/2021 17:29

You can't save your marriage if the other person doesn't want to, OP.

SadieCow · 28/05/2021 17:31

@Whyhello

I’m with her personally, I think eating upstairs is gross. I only allow people to eat in the dining room so any crumbs or mess are contained in one room.
I think that if it's a jointly owned/rented property, it doesn't really matter what "you " allow.

It's up to the individual if they think eating upstairs is "gross".

How controlling are you?

OP, eat the toast in bed, get loads of crumbs in it as well!

ConfusedAdultFemale · 28/05/2021 17:35

I’d be leaving her abusive arse if I were you.

Original poster
BravoCharlie · 28/05/2021 17:52

@SadieCow You raise an interesting point. I thought to myself "how many times do I tell my DW to not do something. And I actively made a record over two weeks and couldn't think of a single time. She leaves the toilet seat up, and does some other stuff that annoys me. But I dont tell her the whole time.

I just dont understand why someone wants to tell someone the whole time what to do...

OP posts:
AssassinatedBeauty · 28/05/2021 18:01

@BravoCharlie essentially, it doesn't matter why. She does it, she knows you're unhappy and she won't even go to counselling to look at addressing the behaviour. As others have said, you can't make her change. For your own sake, leave her to it and move on. The difference of being in a relationship where both parties actively like each other, enjoy each other's company and treat each other with respect is massive.

JustAnotherOldMan · 28/05/2021 18:07

Oh mate, that sounds awful.
Move on and find someone who treats you like an equal

SunshineCake · 28/05/2021 18:31

She doesn't want to go to counselling as she doesn't see anything wrong in what she is doing.

She doesn't want to divorce as she enjoys treating you and your life like shit.

What happened to you that makes you feel this is what you have to put up with?

MumInBrussels · 28/05/2021 18:32

Are you getting anything positive out of your marriage? Is there anything that's good?

Because your wife is coming across as an abusive controlling bitch. And she doesn't want to - and therefore isn't going to - change. She might not be happy in the relationship, but I don't think you can do anything to make her happy. She sounds like she'll just keep finding things to pick on.

If there's something amazing you've not mentioned, something that outweighs all the awful bits, then fair enough. But in your shoes, from what you've said, I'd leave this marriage. Pretty sure I'd be happier single.

SadieCow · 28/05/2021 18:35

@BravoCharlie get out of this marriage and enjoy the rest of your life!

You deserve better.

Custardo · 28/05/2021 18:41

imo its not a male female thing - we dont eat upstairs (unless i am shitfaced then i will eat in bed). but if my dh stated such - i would genuinley tell him to fuck the fuck off....HTH!

BrilliantBetty · 28/05/2021 18:45

I know it's not just about the carpet. But I agree with her about no food upstairs... coffee being spilt on new carpet would be so annoying too.
Not saying YABU here btw.. just that on that one point, I see where she's coming from.

BanditoShipman · 28/05/2021 18:54

[quote BravoCharlie]@SadieCow You raise an interesting point. I thought to myself "how many times do I tell my DW to not do something. And I actively made a record over two weeks and couldn't think of a single time. She leaves the toilet seat up, and does some other stuff that annoys me. But I dont tell her the whole time.

I just dont understand why someone wants to tell someone the whole time what to do...[/quote]
Why does your wife leave the toilet seat up??

Throckmorton · 28/05/2021 19:12

It's not advised to have joint counselling with an abusive partner. Please just leave her - why would you waste your life like this. You deserve better.

SadieCow · 28/05/2021 19:15

@BrilliantBetty but you may not want food upstairs, but why does your decision trump an equal partners?

I'm very capable of carrying a coffee upstairs without spilling, but if an accident happens then you deal with it?

Otherwise you'd be saying don't not take cups out of the cupboard you may drop and break them!

Also, when is a new carpet not a new carpet? How long before it's ok to have coffee upstairs?

cadburyegg · 28/05/2021 19:22

YANBU I eat upstairs all the time

You don’t sound happy and a sexless marriage in your 30s is.... well, only you can decide how happy you are with that

EKGEMS · 28/05/2021 19:22

Not only is your marriage toast but you need an urn for the ashes-see a divorce lawyer stat!