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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is My Marriage "Toast"

224 replies

BravoCharlie · 28/05/2021 10:16

I'm struggling with my DW who I'm finding increasingly controlling over what I can and can not do.

We just had new carpets installed two months ago on the top floors of the house. We both wfh, she downstairs and me up. Slept in a bit today, so quickly went downstairs to make coffee and toast and took it back upstairs to eat it when starting work.

This didn't go down well. She told me it was unacceptable to take food upstairs because of crumbs on the carpet. She let me do it this time, but said that in future there will no food upstairs. I sort of saw this coming and earlier in the week she said that I couldn't take a hot drink to bed.

I lack assertion, so I told her that I thought it was unreasonable. She said "all people would think eating food upstairs is disguising".. so I put it to you. Is she right? AIBU?

OP posts:
Velvian · 28/05/2021 11:23

If you don't have kids, you're not getting on and you're not having sex, I don't see the point of you two being together.

Original poster
BravoCharlie · 28/05/2021 11:25

@JLQ1020

I think marriage counselling might work for both of you. 1 person isn't to blame as I'm sure you do things that annoy her as well. I agree eating upstairs is fine and it's daft to expect you to eat only downstairs. I wouldn't say throw in the towel without trying to resolve issues.
We tried. She didnt want to do it. Like everything else it was down to me to sort out. I'm not sure it really helped. I was told that I wasn't committed in the relationship and my DW got told to "work on her delivery"

I did try to leave, but when I told her she didnt take it well got angry and then just flipped to the opposite. She didnt talk, didnt look at me in the face and just walked past me all the time. When I asked her why she was doing this, she said that it was unreasonable of me to expect her to be happy.

OP posts:
Original poster
BravoCharlie · 28/05/2021 11:28

@iamtheoneandonlyyy

I remember not being allowed to leave water in the sink. I got out, just walk away op. Life's too short and it won't magically get better
This!!! Wow. I once filled the sink of water to do some washing up and when I turned around, the plug had been pulled out. Sometimes if there is some burnt on crud I might soak a pan in the sink but I'm not allowed to leave the sink full of water
OP posts:
chickenyhead · 28/05/2021 11:29

I couldn't live my life always being the problem. Living alone in a dark damp cave would be preferable. She can be unhappy on her own.

Tal45 · 28/05/2021 11:29

I bet she treats you like a child because you 'lack assertion' and so don't seem to have any self respect, she finds it like living with a child and has no respect for you because of it. When you've been with one long enough it can be hard not to walk all over a door mat in my experience. It will be hard to work on your self respect and self esteem while she's like this though so you need to agree to work on the issues together or go your separate ways IMO.

babybunny123 · 28/05/2021 11:30

End it now whilst you are still young. She sounds like an absolute nightmare.

Blossomtoes · 28/05/2021 11:32

I did try to leave, but when I told her she didnt take it well got angry and then just flipped to the opposite. She didnt talk, didnt look at me in the face and just walked past me all the time. When I asked her why she was doing this, she said that it was unreasonable of me to expect her to be happy

And you still didn’t leave?! What on earth’s the matter with you?

MMMarmite · 28/05/2021 11:33

I think you need to leave, she has no right to treat you like that. It doesn't sound like she's serious about making long term changes.

Merryoldgoat · 28/05/2021 11:33

Why would you stay in this hell? Seriously?

AssassinatedBeauty · 28/05/2021 11:35

What stopped you from leaving? Do you have worries about housing and affording somewhere else?

IsThePopeCatholic · 28/05/2021 11:36

She sounds like a nightmare. Get out before she completely crushes your soul.

OrangeRug · 28/05/2021 11:36

If you ate off a plate and cleaned up any crumbs yourself I don't see the problem. My husband eats all of his food in his study as we don't have space for a dining table.

Serpenta · 28/05/2021 11:41

No love, no sex, no respect.

Luckily no kids it seems!

Get out now. This is no way to live.

Damnloginpopup · 28/05/2021 11:42

Fucks sake. Tomorrow is kippers on toast with fried egg. In bed. And a takeaway curry up there for lunch. Close the door and window. When she kicks off just mention that you 2. Do not care 2. Do not care and 3 Do not care. Then add in that it's your house too, that she isn't your boss and that she can fuck off and forget about the carpet because it'll be sold with the house as you are divorcing her on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour.

Deadringer · 28/05/2021 11:47

Ltb

3Britnee · 28/05/2021 11:58

@BravoCharlie

I'm struggling with my DW who I'm finding increasingly controlling over what I can and can not do.

We just had new carpets installed two months ago on the top floors of the house. We both wfh, she downstairs and me up. Slept in a bit today, so quickly went downstairs to make coffee and toast and took it back upstairs to eat it when starting work.

This didn't go down well. She told me it was unacceptable to take food upstairs because of crumbs on the carpet. She let me do it this time, but said that in future there will no food upstairs. I sort of saw this coming and earlier in the week she said that I couldn't take a hot drink to bed.

I lack assertion, so I told her that I thought it was unreasonable. She said "all people would think eating food upstairs is disguising".. so I put it to you. Is she right? AIBU?

She shouldn't be telling you what to do but food and hot drinks upstairs is a no from me.

I don't particularly know why, just that my mum didn't let us do this growing up, and its stuck.

grapewine · 28/05/2021 12:03

Get the fuck out. She sounds unbearable. Life is absolutely too short for shit like this.

ImpossibleLemon · 28/05/2021 12:04

@Serpenta

No love, no sex, no respect.

Luckily no kids it seems!

Get out now. This is no way to live.

This, why are you still in this marriage? What are you getting from it that makes you stay? Get out of it.
PaperbackRider · 28/05/2021 12:06

@Whyhello

I’m with her personally, I think eating upstairs is gross. I only allow people to eat in the dining room so any crumbs or mess are contained in one room.
It's not for you to "allow" other adults living in the house or not.
joystir59 · 28/05/2021 12:13

I do whatever I want wherever I want in my own home. I also clear and clean up after myself and look after my home.

Leaninghouse · 28/05/2021 12:18

Oh jeez this is so sad, please leave her. Talk to someone close who can support you through this and will help you not be bullied into staying

Thehop · 28/05/2021 12:24

You don’t like each other. You don’t have sex.

Please leave before you have kids.

babybunny123 · 28/05/2021 12:38

My ex treated me like she is treating you, i stayed then found he was cheating on me. Wish i would have left him years ago, do it now whilst you have the chance she will never change believe me. Good Luck.

Blossomtoes · 28/05/2021 13:05

@Thehop

You don’t like each other. You don’t have sex.

Please leave before you have kids.

How are they going to have kids if they don’t have sex?
NormanStangerson · 28/05/2021 13:19

And you still didn’t leave?! What on earth’s the matter with you?

Comments like the above are unhelpful and appear to only have this shitty tone due to people assuming the poster to be a man. If it was a woman, people wouldn’t be saying ‘what’s the matter with you?’

And I say that as a poster who is very much not a part of the men defender movement you sometimes see on here.