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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is My Marriage "Toast"

224 replies

BravoCharlie · 28/05/2021 10:16

I'm struggling with my DW who I'm finding increasingly controlling over what I can and can not do.

We just had new carpets installed two months ago on the top floors of the house. We both wfh, she downstairs and me up. Slept in a bit today, so quickly went downstairs to make coffee and toast and took it back upstairs to eat it when starting work.

This didn't go down well. She told me it was unacceptable to take food upstairs because of crumbs on the carpet. She let me do it this time, but said that in future there will no food upstairs. I sort of saw this coming and earlier in the week she said that I couldn't take a hot drink to bed.

I lack assertion, so I told her that I thought it was unreasonable. She said "all people would think eating food upstairs is disguising".. so I put it to you. Is she right? AIBU?

OP posts:
SadieCow · 30/05/2021 17:02

@Sometimesfraught82 nothing in the PPs post indicated that the DW was expected to use the hoover, it was merely saying that the crumbs could be dealt with easily!

MinnieMountain · 30/05/2021 17:17

The thing is, now she knows how it’s affecting you she should want to change.

I have been controlling due to anxiety. I genuinely didn’t realise how it affected DH. As soon as he told me I started counselling. I’m still not perfect but the difference now is that I’m much better and DH knows I’m trying.

Your DW should want to do something about it.

Sometimesfraught82 · 30/05/2021 17:19

[quote SadieCow]@Sometimesfraught82 nothing in the PPs post indicated that the DW was expected to use the hoover, it was merely saying that the crumbs could be dealt with easily! [/quote]
Exactly

You create them
You vacuum them, before leaving them

Bopot2012 · 30/05/2021 17:22

God, she would hate me lol. I love eating in bed. Get her some cbd products, will ease that anxiety right up.

Original poster
BravoCharlie · 30/05/2021 17:33

To the poster who said "what would you advise your sister, daughter or female friend" then I would say leave. But it's not that easy. I struggle with admitted just to myself the position I'm in. Let alone people at work, or friends. I work in a fast paced, high pressure job where we are responsible for huge sums of money. I make decisions ever day...how do I even begin to admit that I'm weak and in a brow beaten relationship. I play rugby... how to I begin to even say to my friends what's gone on when it's a about strength and being manly.

And it's not just about the toast. I just felt that was a new low for me. My DW literally said "ask anyone we know and they will all say that food and drink arent allowed upstairs"... I feel I'm losing my mind as she then makes me think that it must be true.

I've just had lunch outside and there is a no shoes in the house rule from her. She caught me and when quizzed I lied and said I hadn't worn my shoes in the house. She then retraced my steps and came to the conclusion that I must have.

My Dad wears his shoes in the house. When we bought our house a few years ago he came up and helped move and do some diy. Yes he is not the tidiest in the world but he helped. We just had an extension and I said my Dad had offered to come up and help with the finishing painting. But my DW said no because be is too untidy. I'm still trying to get it finished on my own and it's just overwhelming

OP posts:
Original poster
BravoCharlie · 30/05/2021 17:40

@minniemountain

Thank you for sharing your experience. When I've told her how it affects me she just says "I've changed, you just don't see it". She says she doesnt need professional help and that the issue is I refuse to accept her being less controlling and aggressive"

OP posts:
LostInTime · 30/05/2021 17:46

I don't understand why you're trying to stay together when you're both coming from such different places.
You could both be happy if you separate.

Original poster
BravoCharlie · 30/05/2021 17:53

Because she is 100% against splitting up. She doesnt want to. She wants a kid with me, even though we dont have sex. She says that if we split then she will lose the chance for a family

OP posts:
chickenyhead · 30/05/2021 17:58

Oh OP, you are a lost cause. I'm not sure why you have posted. If you have children with her, not only will your trap tighten, but will you really be the role model your children deserve?

You need to seek solitary counselling before considering children or anything. You believe you are trapped. You aren't.

AssassinatedBeauty · 30/05/2021 18:01

You're not weak. You're a normal human being reacting in a normal way to unpleasant behaviour from your wife.

What you've said is all about why she doesn't want to split up - when it isn't about her at all. Bringing a child into this environment is a very bad idea. Things will not improve if that happens.

grapewine · 30/05/2021 18:07

She has essentially banned your father from the house. Please think about how you want to live your life. Really think about it. You only get one.

WhiteVixen · 30/05/2021 18:18

@BravoCharlie

Because she is 100% against splitting up. She doesnt want to. She wants a kid with me, even though we dont have sex. She says that if we split then she will lose the chance for a family
That doesn't mean you have to stay. She is almost certainly never going to change. Ever. She's got you right where she wants you and she loves it. If you are not happy (and I cannot fathom for one minute how you could be) then you can leave. You do not need her permission. The sheer fact you are miserable is reason enough. Her not wanting to split up doesn't trump your unhappiness. And the nicey nicey act she manages to put on for a couple of weeks is just that, an act. To make you think 'it's not that bad' so you think you're overreacting or blowing it out of proportion.
Fluffycloudland77 · 30/05/2021 18:36

Anyone can leave a relationship anytime they want to.

IEat · 30/05/2021 18:53

I’d be leaving my crumbs on the floor and walking out of that relationship

JSL52 · 30/05/2021 19:09

@BravoCharlie

Because she is 100% against splitting up. She doesnt want to. She wants a kid with me, even though we dont have sex. She says that if we split then she will lose the chance for a family
For her info , I eat upstairs in my OWN house which I go to work to pay for. It is NOT up to her if you split up. You are NOT weak and before she traps you by getting pregnant, get out. You're not a sperm donor.
MinnieMountain · 30/05/2021 19:30

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this?

She clearly doesn’t care about your happiness, so don’t feel responsible for hers.

Blossomtoes · 30/05/2021 19:50

@BravoCharlie

Because she is 100% against splitting up. She doesnt want to. She wants a kid with me, even though we dont have sex. She says that if we split then she will lose the chance for a family
Please, please don’t even think about bringing a child into this dysfunctional relationship. Your colleagues and rugby mates won’t know what you’ve separated unless you tell them. Your reluctance to do so surely tells you how dreadful this is.
CeibaTree · 30/05/2021 19:59

@BravoCharlie

Because she is 100% against splitting up. She doesnt want to. She wants a kid with me, even though we dont have sex. She says that if we split then she will lose the chance for a family
Don't have children with her whatever you do. You are only in your 30s, so you have plenty of time to find someone who you are more compatible with to have a family with. She may well be 100% against splitting up but it takes two to tango!
Seefoodwaffle · 30/05/2021 20:09

I too dont allow food upstairs, or shoes in house, except for guests. Blush I cant bear the thought of breakfast in bed, don't eat where you sleep or shit and vice versa.

But I think you're incompatible and you are miserable. So please, whatever you do, dont have children. They will end up bearing the brunt of it.

Chailatteplease · 30/05/2021 20:38

@littlepattilou

Tell her to fuck off ordering you about, and she's your wife, not your mother.
This!
SadieCow · 30/05/2021 20:39

@Seefoodwaffle you don't allow food upstairs? I presume that's your children not your equal partner you're referring to?

Because you don't decide the controlling rules!

SummerBreeze1980 · 30/05/2021 20:42

Isn't that what a hoover is for? To vacuum up the crumbs?

Wallywobbles · 30/05/2021 20:50

Listen I was a "I've made my bed now I have to sleep in it" kind of person. But divorce made me so happy. And apart from one shitty comment from my dad nobody gave any fucks at all. It's not failure. Failure is staying and not having the courage to admit it's not working and doing something about.

An unforgivable fuck up would be knowingly bringing a child into your utter misery.

Seriously get the help you need to get over this and LEAVE. She isn't going to change. Your the only hope you've got.

SummerBreeze1980 · 30/05/2021 20:54

I love taking a coffee back to bed sometimes. I can't imagine not being able to do that!

Throckmorton · 30/05/2021 21:08

Mate - you don't have to tell your workmates or friends anything you don't want to. There is nothing to be ashamed about in having ended up in an abusive relationship, but you don't have to tell them if you don't want to. You just tell them "we're splitting up because it wasn't working". As to your wife - if she's not getting help for her anxiety and doesn't want to, then she will not change. It doesn't matter whether she wants you to stay - you don't have to. A relationship is only worth it if both people are enjoying it. Put it this way - think of yourself ten years from now. FutureYou is either still in the same awful relationship only now he's ten years more ground down, or he's bouncy and happy - maybe happily single or maybe married to someone who loves him to bits. Either way, which future looks more appealing to you?Pick which one and make decisions now on how to get there.

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