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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is My Marriage "Toast"

224 replies

BravoCharlie · 28/05/2021 10:16

I'm struggling with my DW who I'm finding increasingly controlling over what I can and can not do.

We just had new carpets installed two months ago on the top floors of the house. We both wfh, she downstairs and me up. Slept in a bit today, so quickly went downstairs to make coffee and toast and took it back upstairs to eat it when starting work.

This didn't go down well. She told me it was unacceptable to take food upstairs because of crumbs on the carpet. She let me do it this time, but said that in future there will no food upstairs. I sort of saw this coming and earlier in the week she said that I couldn't take a hot drink to bed.

I lack assertion, so I told her that I thought it was unreasonable. She said "all people would think eating food upstairs is disguising".. so I put it to you. Is she right? AIBU?

OP posts:

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 30/05/2021 21:11

Get out while you're young! If your DW wants to have a child with you then she should have been prepared to address her problems. I cannot imagine what kind of mother she would make if she treats a grown adult this way.

JustAnotherOldMan · 31/05/2021 06:54

@BravoCharlie

Because she is 100% against splitting up. She doesnt want to. She wants a kid with me, even though we dont have sex. She says that if we split then she will lose the chance for a family

I think having a child with this woman would be a terrible decision for you. You can tell your work mates and rugby team mates the absolute truth, the relationship is not working for you, and that would be the truth.

annie335 · 31/05/2021 07:06

I'm about to make my coffee and toast to take back to bed!
You need to toughen up op and rethink whether you want to spend the rest of your life with this person..

fearfulfran · 31/05/2021 07:17

I don't think the rugby mates will pose a problem... if you say it wasn't working out and you ended it, are any of them really going to push you on that and demand you speak about your true feelings? I know it's 2021 but I think it's unlikely.

Butchyrestingface · 31/05/2021 08:10

She says she doesn't want to have sex with me because "why would you want to have sex with someone who hangs the dishcloth off the tap, and not in the holder where it should be"

Well, she has a point.

I JEST!

I'd leave. You both sound miserable. She needs to get help for her anxiety and controlling behaviour but definitely don't have a kid with her.

Robin233 · 31/05/2021 08:20

Heck this isn't normal
We 'both' have a no shoes in the house rule- mostly cream carpets.
But I've just took dh 2 cups of steaming coffee up to the bed room for him.
I often eat crips on the bed - and then brush all the bits in the bin lol
No big deal.
When the kids were little it was a no food / drink upstairs, but once they were responsible ( not likely to leave food under the bed etc) they were allowed ) even if I had ti remind them to bring the plates : cups back to the kitchen.
But it really comes down to if you love her.
Good luck x

Definately · 31/05/2021 08:28

@BravoCharlie

Because she is 100% against splitting up. She doesnt want to. She wants a kid with me, even though we dont have sex. She says that if we split then she will lose the chance for a family

Tough shit really. You aren't happy together. Move on.

Okbutnotgreat · 31/05/2021 08:29

Whatever you do @BravoCharlie please do not have a child with your wife.

MaMaD1990 · 31/05/2021 08:46

It seems at the moment you're in the space of trying to make her happy and look after her needs and completely ignoring your own. Would you consider therapy for yourself? It sounds like you could do with speaking to someone totally removed from your life if you're worried about what your friends will think about the marriage breaking up (total moot by the way, my partner is one of these burly men who appears to be all tough and manly but he empathises and amazing amount when friends are going through a terrible time and they do the same back). Do you think you're trying to find excuses not to leave her because you're scared for your own future? Have you thought about what your life could be like without her in it? Being with someone a long time tends to ignite fear in people because its all you've known for so long, even when the situation is awful. If she won't entertain the idea of her being part of the issue, what other options do you think you have? A successful partnership needs TLC from both people.

honeylulu · 31/05/2021 09:03

Have you posted before @BravoCharlie? This seems really familiar including the bit about you leaving previously.

I think this marriage is beyond help. She doesn't love or even like you. She is anxious and controlling but that isn't your responsibility. She doesn't want you to leave because she won't be able to control you any more, and she's afraid she won't find anyone else who will allow her to control them. That's not your responsibility either.

Please don't consider having a child with her. Leave and find someone who loves you.

ainsisoisje · 31/05/2021 09:04

My parent's marriage was like this, so toxic an awful each thinking the other had the right to 'boss' the other around in some area but basically lacking in basic human courtesy to each other. There is no right or wrong way to clean for gods sake. I would seriously consider the affect on your mental health of staying with someone who treats you like that.

Newmumatlast · 31/05/2021 09:08

@BravoCharlie

Its been bubbling along for years.. we're in our 30s and its a sexless marriage. I told her 18 months ago that I don't want to have sex with someone who treats me like a kid the whole time. And that she needs to stop telling me what to do the whole time. She says she doesn't want to have sex with me because "why would you want to have sex with someone who hangs the dishcloth off the tap, and not in the holder where it should be"

Its not just this, its everything. When I use the dust pan and brush, she shouts at me for brushing towards the corner as she says that the proper way to do it is to sweep it to the center.

Are you joking? Thank goodness my husband still has sex with me even though I am always failing to put the recycling in the recycling bin after I've rinsed it and leave it in the sink and despite that I collect cups upstairs and have to take them back down in bulk.

In all seriousness, its really not positive to have a parental style situation in a relationship like this where you feel like you're being told off. If you both own the house/rent it and pay your way, these things should be a matter of discussion and compromise not one person asserting their standards without any option for the other

Jellycatspyjamas · 31/05/2021 09:11

Because she is 100% against splitting up. She doesnt want to. She wants a kid with me, even though we dont have sex. She says that if we split then she will lose the chance for a family

It’s not just her decision though, anyone can leave a relationship at any time, you don’t need her permission.

DaphneDuBois · 31/05/2021 09:12

I’m sitting reading this in bed with cereal and a cup of tea. Does she think only people in bungalows and flats have breakfast in bed? Don’t put up with her treating you as a child to order around and impose her will on. It will get worse the more she’s able to do it.

CounsellorTroi · 31/05/2021 09:19

@BravoCharlie

Because she is 100% against splitting up. She doesnt want to. She wants a kid with me, even though we dont have sex. She says that if we split then she will lose the chance for a family

At the risk of sounding harsh that’s her problem. She cannot expect you to want to have a child with her when she doesn’t treat you with basic human decency or respect.

MikeWozniaksGloriousTache · 31/05/2021 09:24

Oh OP. You really need to evaluate this relationship. What are you getting out of it? She’s controlling, unloving or love bombing depending on what she wants, no sex, no decent communication. You’ve raised your unhappiness with her and she won’t engage in counselling, she won’t go that little extra mile for someone she wants to start a family with? Someone she is supposed to love? I’m sorry OP but she is selfish and treating you like shit because she knows she can. Now she’s emotionally blackmailing you by saying it’s not her fault she has anxiety. Bollocks, if she really has then she needs to do everything she can from tomorrow to mitigate this and her help, speak to the GP, get meds, get therapy. But her unwillingness to engage in counselling for your marriage problems doesn’t bode well.

Your personal life does not reflect your ability to do your job. Get that out of your head now! A single person doesn’t mean they can’t build relationships in the workplace for example. You are worthy of your job and got your job based on merit not your relationship status!

It doesn’t matter if she wants kids and doesn’t want to split up, you’re miserable. Brining a child into this situation would be selfish and will bring a whole other world of issues. You think she’s controlling now? It’ll ramp up, she will want to be 100% in control of parenting decisions, if you disagree with parenting style she will undermine and overrule you. Your child will grow up with issues because of this. Please do not have a child with this woman.

You need to leave, you know this but until you admit it you won’t. Please read what people are advising, it’s not to break up a couple it’s to save a single from a life of misery.

Butterfly44 · 31/05/2021 09:33

I wouldn't be having a child with her. I think you know where this is heading OP. Time to leave. Change is scary, but worth it in the end.

Seefoodwaffle · 31/05/2021 21:07

[quote SadieCow]@Seefoodwaffle you don't allow food upstairs? I presume that's your children not your equal partner you're referring to?

Because you don't decide the controlling rules! [/quote]
Those rules apply to DH too. I own half the house, been together 20 years and he never questioned it
Anyway I see it as... common sense. I grew up in a hot country and crumbs in bed invites roaches, rats and ants.

SadieCow · 31/05/2021 21:32

Those rules apply to DH too. I own half the house, been together 20 years and he never questioned it
Anyway I see it as... common sense. I grew up in a hot country and crumbs in bed invites roaches, rats and ants.

Bloody hell he needs to assert himself! Common sense ... not every country is the same!

Always eaten upstairs (study) and in bed with DH getting us toast etc.. no roaches, rats and ants!

But that's common sense for the Uk!

Seefoodwaffle · 31/05/2021 22:10

You do what you like in your house... you cant speak for all of UK. It's not fair to label everyone who doesnt allow a partner to eat in a shared bed as a crazy controlling person.

SadieCow · 01/06/2021 05:48

Not allowing a partner to eat upstairs is controlling @Seefoodwaffle !

Why would eating upstairs cause ants, roaches and rats, it doesn't cause them downstairs does it?

No one is saying don't clear up SS you would downstairs if you dropped crumbs!

Like the OP, your partner needs to assert themselves and not allow you to dictate and "allow" things or "not allow", treating them like a child

GoldenHolden · 01/06/2021 07:47

Because it's harder to clean up crumbs in bed compared to sweeping a dining area/kitchen.

SadieCow · 01/06/2021 08:16

@GoldenHolden the OP was not going to eat in bed?

And I can absolutely assure you as done one who had on occasion eaten before, I've no ants, roaches or rats in the bedroom.

Spaceman1 · 12/06/2021 10:01

I think this is not so much about the pros and cons of eating toast in bed. The OP seems to try to be agreeable to keep the peace but the problem with this is that over time he may resentful towards his partner's dominance. It would be better for him to stand up for himself now and create a fuss to show that if necessary he will fight his corner and will not be pushed around. His partner will have to accept that he has voice. Clearly he didn't think it was a big deal eating toast in bed so he should defend his position rather than rolling over.

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