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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is My Marriage "Toast"

224 replies

BravoCharlie · 28/05/2021 10:16

I'm struggling with my DW who I'm finding increasingly controlling over what I can and can not do.

We just had new carpets installed two months ago on the top floors of the house. We both wfh, she downstairs and me up. Slept in a bit today, so quickly went downstairs to make coffee and toast and took it back upstairs to eat it when starting work.

This didn't go down well. She told me it was unacceptable to take food upstairs because of crumbs on the carpet. She let me do it this time, but said that in future there will no food upstairs. I sort of saw this coming and earlier in the week she said that I couldn't take a hot drink to bed.

I lack assertion, so I told her that I thought it was unreasonable. She said "all people would think eating food upstairs is disguising".. so I put it to you. Is she right? AIBU?

OP posts:
tara66 · 28/05/2021 19:38

As you pay 50:50 and share cost of house tell her you can mess with crumbs etc, for your half of everything and tell her to stay in the other half and do whatever she likes there ! Tell her not to come into your half! Maybe she will divorce you.

toocold54 · 28/05/2021 19:42

Now, where did I see that they sold backbones? Must get a link....

This is so rude! Obviously the OP is a victim of emotional abuse but because he’s male it must just mean he has no backbone FFS!

OP you are too young to carry on like this don’t let your life pass you by staying in a relationship where you are treated like a child. Your relationship should be 50/50 and you should never feel like you’re walking on egg shells.

TDogsInHats · 28/05/2021 19:50

Bandito Why does your wife leave the toilet seat up?
Yes I wondered this. Very odd as it's usually a male that leaves the seat up. Women rarely sit on the cold porcelain.

SadieCow · 28/05/2021 19:53

@toocold54 bloody well said 👏

NormanStangerson · 28/05/2021 19:58

I said that and I’d say it whether the OP was a man, a woman or any other way they chose to identify. It’s hardly shitty to be appalled that anyone would be subject to this kind of treatment.

How incredibly disingenuous @Blossomtoes, you weren’t appalled at someone being subject to this kind of treatment, you were appalled at the OP for living with this kind of abuse, hence why you said “What’s the matter with you?” 🤨

Blossomtoes · 28/05/2021 20:04

@NormanStangerson

I said that and I’d say it whether the OP was a man, a woman or any other way they chose to identify. It’s hardly shitty to be appalled that anyone would be subject to this kind of treatment.

How incredibly disingenuous @Blossomtoes, you weren’t appalled at someone being subject to this kind of treatment, you were appalled at the OP for living with this kind of abuse, hence why you said “What’s the matter with you?” 🤨

Thank you for telling me what I think and mean. Perhaps you could move permanently into my head and improve my life with your superior wisdom.
sbhydrogen · 28/05/2021 20:07

I do have a hard and fast rule of no eating in bedrooms ~as crumbs in the bed is my worst nightmare~ but everywhere else is fine. When we actually get round to buying a dining table then we'll eat there, and no longer have to sit on the sofa. Hopefully that'll happen soon enough!

Your 'D'W is very unreasonable. Also, excellent thread title - I see what you did there 😏

Babbly · 28/05/2021 20:11

I'm afraid that this marriage is over in my opinion. Her behaviour is not acceptable, you've highlighted it, asked her to change, presented ways to help her change and waited - she hasn't changed. What else do you need to know?
My DH often behaves as if he's a child like this - he'll ask my permission to do things that he obviously doesn't need my permission to do (like "would it be ok if I take a shower tonight?"). It comes from his mother being very controlling and him needing permission for absolutely everything and then exploding at him for random things. Controlling someone like that is abusive, and doing it to someone who is supposed to be your equal is especially so.
We all have our pet peeves and our issues but it should be a case of "please don't take food upstairs, it gives me the ick and I really don't like it" and then it's your choice whether or not to do ask they ask or not. My DH leaves the cloth over the tap and it drives me nuts (it means I need to move the gammy wet cloth in order to get a glass of water and makes me feel like dirt from the cloth might get on the end of the tap and be washed into my glass - somewhat irrational, I know). But I wouldn't never tell him it's not allowed, just ask him to put it in X place for Y reason because it makes no difference to him and it matters to me.
If you view someone as an equal then you speak to them a certain way and act a certain way, she's not doing that. She doesn't view you as an equal, it's not a marriage. You're not her husband, you're her pet.

Original poster
BravoCharlie · 28/05/2021 20:49

Thanks for all the words of wisdom... a lot to think about

Just on the toilet seat - as a man, I lift the "flap" up, and then the "ring" up. When I finished I put both the "ring" and the "flap" down. As a women, she sits on the "ring", but then leaves the "flap" up.

If no-one puts the "flap" down.. both men or women, then what's the point of it.

I agree with the previous poster... yes I agree hanging the cloth on the tap is probably not the best, and i try not to do it and do what she says. But sometimes you just forget. In couples counselling she said that it was the reason why she didnt want to have sex with me "because its unsexy when you've just had to tell someone to sort the cloth out. She says that I do these things on purpose to spite her, but I dont. Ive told her I dont do it to spite her... I just want an easier life

OP posts:
Lemmeout · 28/05/2021 20:58

Why are you with her ?

Throckmorton · 28/05/2021 21:08

Life is really not meant to be this grim - just leave her and find someone nice

DeeCeeCherry · 28/05/2021 21:11

I think she finds you annoying but at the same time likes the 'comfort security blanket' of being with you, hence being nice to you when she can tell you are seriously fed up.

I can't see why you would live like this, we only have one life. If you want to stay in the marriage though then yeah, as pp's have said it's time to grow a backbone. You'll both still be miserable though. Sexless and argumentative, what on earth are you together for anyway?

PASStheCAKEandCHOC · 28/05/2021 21:14

Tell her to do one! It's your home too.
I'd never dream of telling dh what he can and can't do. The only think I say id prefer him not to do is vape in bed as we have the door closed and the room just fills with the vape. But if never say he can't!
If he decided one night to vape then so be it.

Taliskerskye · 28/05/2021 21:29

I don’t see why you can’t see she is abusing you.
You are walking on egg shells. It doesn’t matter why she does things, there is literally no reason for an abuser. If it wasn’t one thing it would be another
Leave

Babbly · 28/05/2021 21:52

I'm not sure why everyone is telling you to leave. It's your house too and she's the abuser. She should leave.

SunshineCake · 28/05/2021 22:17

You'd have an easier life without her in it as your wife.

DonLewis · 28/05/2021 22:21

The way I see it, the details are unimportant. The straw that breaks the camkes back can seem so trivial outside of what you're living.

So, either, you love her, want to stay or you don't.

If you're in no man's land and don't know, start thinking. Neither of you need to live like this.

Ingridla · 28/05/2021 22:55

Fucking hell are you Kevin off Motherland, she sounds horrible, what's al this 'letting you' do stuff and being happy 'how she's treating you', you're not a dog. Get out now, this does not sound like a healthy relationship and you're too young for this sexless bullshit.

aintnothinbutagstring · 28/05/2021 23:00

You both sound like totally pedantic bores tbh, sounds like you get off on the tit for tat. Her going on about eating upstairs and you having a coronary about rings and flaps of toilets, life and soul of the party you two Confused

Luckingfovely · 28/05/2021 23:04

Oh good grief- she sounds like an utter bitch. While people can argue about the minutiae all day - this is not a happy relationship, and sadly I don't think it ever will be. She doesn't like you, and all I can wish you is the strength to end it and move on.

Nannyamc · 28/05/2021 23:33

Sorry but this life is unacceptable.
You both need to move on
When these trivial things cause so much upset you are walking on eggshells. Happiness is about living your life.

HollowTalk · 29/05/2021 00:32

The only way to get an easier life is to separate. Sounds as though you are walking on eggshells there.

JustAnotherOldMan · 29/05/2021 08:11

No sex in your 30’s sounds awful, wait until you 50 and are looking back at your life thinking “what happened to the last 20 years “

SmiledWithTheRisingSun · 29/05/2021 08:44

She says she doesn't want to have sex with me because "why would you want to have sex with someone who hangs the dishcloth off the tap, and not in the holder where it should be"

Hmm
MaMaD1990 · 29/05/2021 08:53

She's sounds like a controlling cow tbh. I mean, I hate it when my partner does things like not making the bed and filling up the kitchen sink, but for God sakes, not EVERYTHING is worth a battle. It sometimes feels better just to let things go. I second PP and walk away - life is too short to live an unhappy life with and unhappy wife (who won't do a thing to help the marriage).