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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is My Marriage "Toast"

224 replies

BravoCharlie · 28/05/2021 10:16

I'm struggling with my DW who I'm finding increasingly controlling over what I can and can not do.

We just had new carpets installed two months ago on the top floors of the house. We both wfh, she downstairs and me up. Slept in a bit today, so quickly went downstairs to make coffee and toast and took it back upstairs to eat it when starting work.

This didn't go down well. She told me it was unacceptable to take food upstairs because of crumbs on the carpet. She let me do it this time, but said that in future there will no food upstairs. I sort of saw this coming and earlier in the week she said that I couldn't take a hot drink to bed.

I lack assertion, so I told her that I thought it was unreasonable. She said "all people would think eating food upstairs is disguising".. so I put it to you. Is she right? AIBU?

OP posts:
Blossomtoes · 29/05/2021 12:25

@JustAnotherOldMan

No sex in your 30’s sounds awful, wait until you 50 and are looking back at your life thinking “what happened to the last 20 years “
You don’t look back at your life in your 50s, you’re too busy living it - and having as much sex as your ancient body will cope with! Maybe you look back in your 80s.
Original poster
BravoCharlie · 30/05/2021 11:24

I talked to my DW yesterday. She said that its born from anxiety. Me eating toast upstairs makes her anxious and when she is anxious she needs to take control of something to deal with it.

I've looked online - which I dont like doing, but from a few articles it does seem that one cause of controlling behaviour is anxiety.

I know leaving is an option. But what are people's thoughts. Can she change? Will I ever be able to "cope" with it. Thanks

OP posts:
CounsellorTroi · 30/05/2021 11:28

She can change if she really wants to. She could see her GP, maybe try some medication. But if she doesn’t want to you don’t have to put up with her behaviour.

Vetyveriohohoh · 30/05/2021 11:34

She can only change her anxiety through medication and/or counselling. Is she prepared to do that? If not, I’d start making plans to leave ASAP. Don’t waste your 30s living like this. Are there children involved?

KingdomScrolls · 30/05/2021 11:35

If it's borne out of anxiety she can take steps to mitigate that , CBT, GP, her own counselling that's not about the relationship necessarily. If she's not willing to do that she's happy with you bearing the brunt of her behaviour. It's irrelevant where that behaviour comes from.

MaMaD1990 · 30/05/2021 12:27

If she has anxiety, she will never change - it's literally something she will always have and it will come in highs and lows depending on circumstances. Is she willing to talk to the GP about ways for her to manage it?

Blossomtoes · 30/05/2021 13:14

Why should you have to “cope” with it? It sounds completely miserable.

Minstrelsgetinmybelly · 30/05/2021 14:03

I eat in our bed which loads of people hate including my DH but I love it. Snuggling in bed with crisps or a snack.

I have anxiety and CBT can make it better / give her coping mechanisms but if she fixed this would it make you stay? Would it magically fix everything? Or are there other issues and you see this going down a route of separation regardless?

MissingTheMoonlight · 30/05/2021 14:07

If my DH treated me like that I wouldn't feel like an equal partner.
Fair enough if kids can't eat upstairs but if you're capable of keeping things clean, there's no issue. You could compromise by saying you'll pass a hoover over at the end of the day.

Throckmorton · 30/05/2021 15:16

Anxiety may be the cause but it's not ok for her to take that out on you. She needs to see a GP about this now. If she won't, then I would leave. And as to coping - no, you should never have to learn to cope with being abused, which is what she is doing to you.

sunglassesonthetable · 30/05/2021 15:19

Personally I eat up stairs all the time. And on the bed whilst reading.

But that's not really the issue here.

Sometimesfraught82 · 30/05/2021 15:22

@Minstrelsgetinmybelly

I eat in our bed which loads of people hate including my DH but I love it. Snuggling in bed with crisps or a snack.

I have anxiety and CBT can make it better / give her coping mechanisms but if she fixed this would it make you stay? Would it magically fix everything? Or are there other issues and you see this going down a route of separation regardless?

Out of interest, how is your marriage?

Because I can’t get my head round doing something that I 50/50 share with my husband that he actively hates.

whosappleman · 30/05/2021 15:31

@BravoCharlie

Its been bubbling along for years.. we're in our 30s and its a sexless marriage. I told her 18 months ago that I don't want to have sex with someone who treats me like a kid the whole time. And that she needs to stop telling me what to do the whole time. She says she doesn't want to have sex with me because "why would you want to have sex with someone who hangs the dishcloth off the tap, and not in the holder where it should be"

Its not just this, its everything. When I use the dust pan and brush, she shouts at me for brushing towards the corner as she says that the proper way to do it is to sweep it to the center.

I stopped wanting to have sex with my husband because he DID always hang the dishcloth in the correct place.

Okay, there was more to it than that obviously but in my opinion it's a huge turnoff when someone is so pedantic about stuff like this.

You sound incompatible to be honest.

Sadsiblingatsea · 30/05/2021 15:51

I couldn’t live like this.

HalzTangz · 30/05/2021 16:24

@BravoCharlie

I'm struggling with my DW who I'm finding increasingly controlling over what I can and can not do.

We just had new carpets installed two months ago on the top floors of the house. We both wfh, she downstairs and me up. Slept in a bit today, so quickly went downstairs to make coffee and toast and took it back upstairs to eat it when starting work.

This didn't go down well. She told me it was unacceptable to take food upstairs because of crumbs on the carpet. She let me do it this time, but said that in future there will no food upstairs. I sort of saw this coming and earlier in the week she said that I couldn't take a hot drink to bed.

I lack assertion, so I told her that I thought it was unreasonable. She said "all people would think eating food upstairs is disguising".. so I put it to you. Is she right? AIBU?

Tell her there's a marvelous invention called a hoover which does a great job at picking up crumbs. It's not like you were eating in bed and she has to sleep on the crumbs. Presumably you contributed to the cost of the carpets, so you should have equal say as to what can and can't be done. As for hot drinks, I always have a hot drink in bed, what is her reasoning for not wanting a hot drink in the room
Sometimesfraught82 · 30/05/2021 16:29

* Tell her there's a marvelous invention called a hoover which does a great job at picking up crumbs. I*

Are you seriously suggesting she should be the one to vacuum the crumbs the OP has made?

HalzTangz · 30/05/2021 16:34

OP, if you had a sister, mother, daughter who said to you my partner controls me, my partner won't seek help, my partner told me to them them control me.

What would you advise that person to do?

HalzTangz · 30/05/2021 16:50

@Sometimesfraught82

* Tell her there's a marvelous invention called a hoover which does a great job at picking up crumbs. I*

Are you seriously suggesting she should be the one to vacuum the crumbs the OP has made?

I didn't suggest she hoover, I suggested he told her there was an invention to sort out crumbs
Sometimesfraught82 · 30/05/2021 16:51

But why not tell the OP to bloody hoover after he creates the crumbs!

SadieCow · 30/05/2021 16:52

@Sometimesfraught82 I think you've read a lot of nonsense Into a post that said nothing about the DW doing the vacuuming!

You do realise that men cabs and do vacuum?

SadieCow · 30/05/2021 16:53

*can

Sometimesfraught82 · 30/05/2021 16:55

[quote SadieCow]@Sometimesfraught82 I think you've read a lot of nonsense Into a post that said nothing about the DW doing the vacuuming!

You do realise that men cabs and do vacuum? [/quote]
The poster was telling the OP to tell dw that there is an in return called a hoover

Wouldn’t it be better for the OP to just hoover up the crumbs as soon as he makes them?!

MissMaple82 · 30/05/2021 16:58

I agree with her. Sit at the kitchen or dinning room table to eat. Toast crumbes get everywhere. This would annoy the shit out of me !

Spaceman1 · 30/05/2021 16:58

OP, I'm sorry but it doesn't sound like you're right for each other. The good news is that at your age you both have time to meet someone new.

SadieCow · 30/05/2021 16:59

Wouldn’t it be better for the OP to just hoover up the crumbs as soon as he makes them?!

Because he's a proper grown up and can hoover At the end of the day, if that what the grown up wants to do! That's assuming the grown up even left crumbs that need to be hoovered! Most grown ups can eat and just leave crumbs on that thing called a plate!

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