Do you smoke? Have you ever?

[Victoriabythesea]

I've been a smoker since I was 17, I don't smoke a lot probably about 4 to 8 on a normal day and more if I'm out on a weekend. When I met DH I was a smoker but he's never liked it and is always at me to quit. I don't want to quit I know the risks and I try to be considerate, I don't smoke in the house and I wear a coat outside to smoke so my clothes don't smell, I don't spend a fortune on them and I don't have DH sat in smoking areas with me when we go out.
Yesterday he told me he expects me to quit before we have another baby because it's gone far enough. I didn't smoke through my first pregnancy and I won't this time. I've never smoked around my baby either. I think it's unreasonable for him to expect me to quit when I've never said I would and I don't see how it bothers him. Some days I have a couple and that's it.
Am I being unreasonable to never plan on quitting? I know the risks. I go running everyday, I have a healthy diet and I only have a couple of bottles of wine now and then. Why should I give up smoking?

He is correct that the pair or you should not have any more children and put them at risk from 3rd hand smoke not to mention the risks of smoking during pregnancy.

No, I have never smoked. I was born after 1964 so no one in my generation has any excuse for picking up the habit.

Well I mean you know the risks etc.

I used to smoke like a chimney stopped about 15 years ago. Have started again in lockdown.

It's not great for the kids for a variety of reasons but plenty of parents do smoke.

People only give up addictions when they want to. I can understand why he's saying it but also why you think it's out of line. You have always been a smoker and never said you would stop.

Neither of you are right or wrong imo.

No and no

I was bought up in a household where everyone smoked and hated being in a room with it. I hated going to a restaurant and having to sit in the smoking area. I hate the smell

So I’ve never smoked. My dh does but he always smokes in the garage outside so the house is still clean

"I don't smoke in the house and I wear a coat outside to smoke so my clothes don't smell,"

Trust me you smell.

No, I don't. Have I ever? Yes I've tried it and hated it. Even if you think nobody can smell it on you, believe me they can. It's disgusting, especially around children.

Most people do something that is bad for them, too much alcohol or sugar or sun or not enough exercise etc. You are an adult and capable of making your own decisions

I only smoke when I'm having a drink, so about 5 cigarettes a week. I think this is too much, would like to not smoke but find it too hard to not smoke once I've had a glass of wine. It's really hard to give up, although if I stopped drinking, I wouldn't smoke. I do enjoy it though, so it's a double edged sword.

I don't think YABU. It's your choice. It's not illegal. You'll only give up when you want to. Someone harassing you about it won't help. In fact, it will just exacerbate the situation.

I don't and never have.

If you managed to not smoke during your pregnancy, it seems like it wouldn't be that difficult (for you) to just keep that going and never start back up again. I don't understand why you wouldn't want that (better health, reduced risks) for yourself and your children, and I imagine your husband probably feels the same way.

I suppose as a non-smoker, it's difficult to understand why you enjoy it so much that it's worth the risk to your health. It's different when someone is hopelessly addicted and can't seem to stop, but since you can stop, it must be frustrating for your husband that you won't.

It's up to you, of course, but I imagine that every time he sees you light up he's dreading a future without you in it.

Does he have any vices that he's unwilling to give up?

Yes I smoked up until 9 years ago. I used to smoke 20 a day, my daughter now 16 still tells me now how she used to hate it abs cry when I went for a cigarette.

I am going be of them terrible ex smokers who now hates it with passion and moans at everyone who smokes to quit.

We struggled to conceive our little boy and My husband promised me faithfully everyday he would give up smoking before he was born, he has just 3 years and we have an 18 month old girl and he is yet to give up and I go on about it everyday and will continue to do so as I hate it and he stinks when he comes in from garden despite wearing a coat and my poor innocent children are breathing that shit in.

When I was pregnant with my 1.5 year old on the carbon monoxide blower thing I blew a reading of a smoker! She actually asked am I really a smoker! I was crying hysterically and so angry and made her test me every week, she made sure I walked to the clinic so no chance of it being from car journey and we have a carbon monoxide tester at home so wasn't that. If was from second hand smoke from living with a smoker ( who never smoked in the house and I didn't see all day as both at work) so it does have an effect on others.

You may know the risks but the family is still going to have risks because of your choices.

Quit for your health and your family's it's really not worth it. And believe me I used to love smoking!

@eepeep
Does he have any vices that he's unwilling to give up?

Drinking. and taking hour long toilet breaks on his phone to escape chaotic points of the day. My 5 minute cigarette breaks at the bottom of the garden are nothing compared to those!

No I never have but my DH used to. He quit about 4 years ago. I never asked him to, I knew he was a smoker when we got together but I was glad when he quit. It’s an annoying habit especially on days out when you have to base your day around leaving wherever to have a smoke. Not that that matters now with COVID. He never smoked in the house or car either but he still smelled. I don’t actually mind the smell though. I’m glad he doesn’t smoke any more especially now we have DD.

You're saying you don't go anywhere near your child for four hours after your cigarette? That's how long you're breathing out the pathogens after each one. Just stop for the sake of your children. And yes, coat or no coat, you stink.

Tell him you'll give them up if he gives up drinking. If he calls your bluff and stops drinking then the whole house will be healthier and richer!

DH used to smoke. He smoked like you outside and washed hands when he’d come in he’d be constantly chewing gum indoors. You could smell smoke on him.

I’ve never smoked, never tried it. Not interested.

When I was pregnant with DC1, the midwife got me to do the oxygen test I had a high level carbon monoxide reading.

Midwife told DH, she wasn’t going to lecture him as as adult he was making his own conscious decision. She also said every single household she’d visited where they’d experience SID at least one person in the house smoked.

DH quit. We’d already lost several pregnancies the last one being pretty horrific MMC where the surgical procedure had failed and I’d been very unwell, and frankly crazy with grief afterwards.

Your DH is worried for you and his DC. You’re not healthy if you smoke. And you do smell of smoke even if you think you don’t.

I smoked for years, from age 14. Switched to vaping about 6 years ago, although this was worse as I vaped all the time. I quit vaping New Year's this year.
I have a long list of vices, I'm so unhealthy but I'm pleased to have quit smoking and vaping.

He is right. You need to quit.

I am the child of two heavy smokers. OK, it is good that you make the effort to smoke outside rather than in the house (my mother doesn't and her house reeks) but believe me, the smell will still be there. It gives your hands, clothes, teeth and everything else a horrible yellow stain and lingers on your breath for ages. It follows you around.

My mother doesn't smoke in my car, but the smell is there whenever she is in it with me.

I smoked for years. Gave up about 15 years ago. Regardless if you should give up or not, people don't give up because someone tells them to.

If I were you I would give up because if you smoke, the likelihood is it will contribute to your early death. And that's not something to do to a child. Your DH can say he doesn't want to have another baby with you if you choose to continue smoking. You can choose to continue smoking and leave to not.

I should add that I have never smoked. Unless you count passively.

No and No

I've never smoked as a habit but regularly enjoyed social (?) smoking with long gaps in between ie only smoking a few on holiday then not smoking for months. I'm now an older mum to my last child and believe I owe it to them to stay fit and healthy for as long as possible. I've not smoked at all in over three years and never will again. I hope I can reverse any damage done. Much as I have fond memories of smoking it really is a smelly disgusting habit. I also think it was a bit self harmful and destructive and I think with better self care and coping mechanisms I just don't feel any urge now as well as not doing it for the health and duty reasons.

You will never, ever regret quitting, I promise

I used to smoke. Started when I was about 14, but like you it wasn't loads.
I stopped in my first 2 pregnancies, but started again bot long after they were born. Only ever smoked outside and never around the kids. They had no idea. My second was a right greeting faced baby, so trying to nip out for one was impossible, and I oy did it if he was asleep in the pram in the kitchen so I could see him, or if dp was there, but it was more bother than it was worth. Then I got a job where I couldn't smoke at all during the day, and I eventually just gave up.
I still used to have the odd one while drinking, but after another pregnancy and a year without any alcohol so far, I doubt I could have a few puffs, never mind a full one.
Oh and no matter how much you cover up, wash your hands etc, you still stink.

Non smoker, I've never even tried it. Have both parents who smoked heavily until very recently when they had to give up due to serious health issues, dads on oxygen permanently now so he'd risk setting the place alight! M

I have asthma, scarred lungs which have caused me numerous health problems over the years which drs have said is very likely to be due to my parents smoking (drs never say definitely but basically yea that's why)

This is one time when the risks aren't limited to you, they affect those around you too.

You are deluded if you think your clothes, hair, skin don't stink I'm afraid. Smoking dulls senses of taste and smell so you don't notice it. I bet if you asked those around you to be honest and they were they would tell you this.

There is also more and more evidence that 3rd hand smoke (in clothes on skin and hair on furniture and surfaces etc) is more of a risk than previously thought, research is ongoing but especially around babies and small children this can cause them to have long term problems like asthma.

I am sure you love your husband and baby and I would hope you care about your own health too. You clearly could quit if you wanted to as you quit while pregnant so why not just quit now?

I think your husband is perfectly reasonable to be honest. I am hoping by the time any future grandchildren of mine are adults it will be something that's no longer done by the majority of people and maybe even outlawed.

There are no benefits to the habit at all.

Is his drinking excessive? Is he addicted too? If so then maybe you can support each other to quit WITH support from addiction services.

His hour long loo breaks may be annoying and inconsiderate - and that does need to be addressed - but they're not causing physical harm to others.

I'm 48 and I am still very much living with the effects of my parents smoking and I left home at 17! So is my sister who also has asthma and also has had many issues with her lungs. No cancer, I have a heart issue that may be related.

My parents are very apologetic in a way that they don't really accept responsibility for what they did.

As a society we've known the dangers of smoking for a LONG time (even with tobacco people trying to suppress those facts) and I agree with the pp that those born after say 1960 really have no excuse for having taken up what they knew to be an unhealthy, harmful to others and expensive addiction.

I genuinely don't understand that mentality at all.

Quit for you, but also quit for your family, not just their health but their peace of mind, don't put them through what ours has been (my mum has had several cancers and related issues in the last 20 years, she's been VERY lucky to be symptomatic and they've all been caught early...so far. But she's had to have a lot of treatment which is no walk in the park for anyone.

As an ex nurse I've also treated patients for not only lung cancers but mouth, throat and nose cancers due to smoking - literally cutting off ones nose to spite the tons of advice to quit. Not pretty.

You'll save a fortune too, maybe use this as motivation?

Please please quit

Yes, I've smoked on and off all my adult life. Was a late starter though ... didn't really start until I was about 23. I gave up "for good" in 2008 and didn't smoke for 10+ years. Currently I'm smoking about 20 per week, really must give up again. Sigh.

I would say you know you should give up, in your heart of hearts. Life is much better as a non-addict, honestly.