Do you smoke? Have you ever?

[Victoriabythesea]

I've been a smoker since I was 17, I don't smoke a lot probably about 4 to 8 on a normal day and more if I'm out on a weekend. When I met DH I was a smoker but he's never liked it and is always at me to quit. I don't want to quit I know the risks and I try to be considerate, I don't smoke in the house and I wear a coat outside to smoke so my clothes don't smell, I don't spend a fortune on them and I don't have DH sat in smoking areas with me when we go out.
Yesterday he told me he expects me to quit before we have another baby because it's gone far enough. I didn't smoke through my first pregnancy and I won't this time. I've never smoked around my baby either. I think it's unreasonable for him to expect me to quit when I've never said I would and I don't see how it bothers him. Some days I have a couple and that's it.
Am I being unreasonable to never plan on quitting? I know the risks. I go running everyday, I have a healthy diet and I only have a couple of bottles of wine now and then. Why should I give up smoking?

Never...I'm in my 60s. Never even tried. My mother and sister both did and are dead from lung cancer.
Horrible dirty habit.

I smoked from the age of 15 til i fell pregnant at 33. I stopped but then started again when I went back to work. I honestly felt so stupid that I'd started again as I'd gone so long without it, around 18 to 20 months but I never smoked in front of my son and would wait til he'd gone to bed to have one outside. I stopped again when I was trying to conceive my 2nd at 38ish and I haven't started again, thankfully, but I do sometimes still crave a fag especially last year when my mum passed away but I'm not going to start again.

You're wrong if you think people can't smell it on you though because it really does stink and I really notice it now. My partner said he's glad I've given up as it was the one thing he didn't like about me.

I think you should give up for your kids, no one likes hugging an ashtray.

I’m sad to say, I’m a heavy smoker. I have tried to quit and plan on doing so again soon. The thing is - if you don’t stop you’ll end up smoking more and more.

Until about four years ago it didn’t bother me - now it really does and I realise just how much smoking has cost me (and I don’t just mean the money).

Honestly if you can quit - do. You don’t realise how selfish it makes you (and I’m a smoker myself so not being preachy.)

I never have. DH smoked when we met (like 20 a day rolled tobacco) but gave up shortly afterwards - he didn’t smoke around me anyway and he had been wanting to quit for ages so I guess he realised it was just a habit rather than a need. He actually just stopped overnight and hasn’t had one since (22 years) so it’s pretty impressive!

Also, no matter what you do you will smell of smoke. Your clothes, your hair, your breath. And by default your house. I’ve been a non smoker all my life and can 100% smell a smoker a mile off. And yes it’s affecting your child.
DH can’t tell you what to do but you also can’t say it isn’t bothering him, because it is.

I don't understand how being healthy otherwise apart from smoking justifies that you can smoke it doesn't work like that you risk cancers and illnesses and are shortening your life so the kids will have one less parent.I agree with him it's time to quit

By the way I smoked from 17years to 21 and gave up the day I knew I wanted kids

You should give up smoking because it’s a stinking disgusting habit.

No I’ve never smoked. Grew up in a house where my dad smoked. His smokers cough on a morning made me feel sick.

You say you know the risks yet won’t give up?! Sensible!!

I smoked from about 16 to 25 when I fell pregnant. I did want to start again recently but decided to vape instead. I'm working on cutting down on that now.

Never even had a single puff. My parents were smokers and I hated it, so that was enough to put me off.

Always makes me laugh how smokers say "but I wear a coat/hat/gloves/suck on mints" to disguise the smell. It can't be hidden, any non-smoker can smell a smoker instantly.

No. I've never even tried it.
You're kidding yourself if you think your family can't ever smell it because you wear a coat. A coat you presumably bring into the house and wear at other times when you're with them. What about your hair and breath?

I don't know how people afford to smoke either.

My mother buys at least one stack of 200 cigarettes a week at £93 per stack. Sometimes two. She spends maybe £20 - £30 on food (if that, she is becoming very underweight now and eats like a bird).

Ridiculous.

A friend of mine who lived with his daughter and granddaughter was a long term smoker, although like you, not an especially heavy one. He only smoked outside, wore a coat etc etc, but his granddaughter was forever having minor respiratory illnesses and never seemed to be without a cough or runny nose. He gave up smoking and was absolutely astounded at the positive effect it had on his GD.... Everything just cleared up. He said she was like a different person

No and no. Relatives smoke and enjoy it so will never quit. "Everyone's got to die of something" is what one says. I don't care really, it's up to the individual at the end of the day and not everyone cares about being healthy. I don't really care if I breathe in second hand smoke etc. but understand why some do.

I never have and I never will. My mother died when she was 55 due to the arteries in her legs blocking up and the toxins killed her. They couldn’t operate as she’d already had two operations to strip out the unhealthy linings. Her last night was horrible, she was full of morphine and was searching her handbag and going through the motions of smoking. I’ll never forget that. My uncle died at 55 from a heart attack, he had severe emphysema and towards the end of his life could only walk a few yards without stopping to gasp for breath. Giving up will benefit you and your children so if you can manage it please consider it. I’d hate for your DC to go through what we did with Mum.

I mean I get where you’re coming from but having to nurse an adult parent through emphysema and lung cancer until their death, I feel you are unreasonable.
Their illness took a large part of my life when I should’ve been adapting to being a new mum and enjoying my baby. That was taken from me because my father was a ‘I’m an adult I’ll do as I please’ person

I smoked from early 20s (managed to resist school peer pressure but it caught up with me at Uni when smoking seemed 'cool', I remember tutorials with a lecturer crammed into his tiny office together while he smoked his way through about 8 cigs during one hour!). Gave up when I met DH at 32. We were both never big smokers, I was a 'social smoker' (and yes I hate that phrase) so we weren't addicted. Over the few years until we had DC we'd occasionally transgress when drink was involved. Since trying to conceive DD5, I haven't smoked. DH will very occasionally if he's seeing his mates and drinking but it always makes him very ill and I don't like it. I do understand though, that temptation never quite leaves you even though you KNOW it's foul.

But now I have DC I'd never smoke. Just couldn't do that to them. The stories of people who were affected by parental smoking are heartbreaking...my ex (who's never smoked) had throat cancer which we think was linked to his parents' smoking so heavily during his childhood. I honestly couldn't live with myself if I was to cause harm to my children because I just couldn't quit.

I actually find it harder to understand smokers like yourself OP, who aren't heavily addicted and can quit. So why on earth wouldn't you?? I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but there it is. If my DH was making your argument about not quitting I would be furious and seriously questioning our future together. And the same argument can't really be applied to drinking unless of course your DH is out of control when he drinks. We drink in moderation. A couple of glasses of wine over the weekend won't affect our kids. A couple of cigarettes could.

Smoke from age 12 to 32, was on 30 a day by the time I quit
Quit with an e cig, and I bloody loved smoking. I have the odd one, maybe once a year but no longer addicted

@Somethingsnappy

A friend of mine who lived with his daughter and granddaughter was a long term smoker, although like you, not an especially heavy one. He only smoked outside, wore a coat etc etc, but his granddaughter was forever having minor respiratory illnesses and never seemed to be without a cough or runny nose. He gave up smoking and was absolutely astounded at the positive effect it had on his GD.... Everything just cleared up. He said she was like a different person

I think there could be something in this.

I've never smoked, although I had lots of passive smoking foisted on me as a child by my parents, a pipe smoker and a cigarette smoker. They smoked at home and in the car (windows firmly shut).

I remember whenever I got a cold as a child my nose and sometimes chest would majorly clog up and it would go on endlessly. The same didn't often seem to be true of my friends from non-smoking households.

@LongIslandIcedT Well done for stopping! Do you mind me asking why you think you vaped more than you smoked? I have noticed some of my friends do this too - I'm a bit curious!

I smoked for over 17 years, I gave up when pregnant and still don't smoke to protect him from 3rd hand smoke. As has my partner

And my smoke free statistics

I used to smoke, but then decided to stop. Luckily I never had cravings/withdrawal.

I think cigarette smoke is gross, but I love the smell of rolling baccy, so..........

It’s not great to smoke near children but neither is living near a major road, heavy alcohol use, swearing etc........ IMO

No one gets to tell you what you do.

If you want to quit, you will. Quitting because someone is making you quit never works anyway. You just learn how to be sneaky about doing it.

However, if you did want to placate him some what, you could try vaping. Only if you want to, of course. It just removes the risk of third hand smoke and you still get the enjoyment from it.

But, it’s your call. Do what you want. He met you as a smoker and unfortunately for him, if he didn’t like it he should have said x years ago.

NEVER ask a smoking, food or alcohol question on MN.

I smoked for 15 years - between 10-20 a day. I gave up 14 years ago. I was only able to do it because it was my choice. You really have to want to give up imo.
Your DH knew you were a smoker when you met. He married a smoker. To demand you give up now is a really shitty thing to do. He doesn’t own you. We all have things about our spouses we may not like but marriage is about compromise.