Do you smoke? Have you ever?

[Victoriabythesea]

I've been a smoker since I was 17, I don't smoke a lot probably about 4 to 8 on a normal day and more if I'm out on a weekend. When I met DH I was a smoker but he's never liked it and is always at me to quit. I don't want to quit I know the risks and I try to be considerate, I don't smoke in the house and I wear a coat outside to smoke so my clothes don't smell, I don't spend a fortune on them and I don't have DH sat in smoking areas with me when we go out.
Yesterday he told me he expects me to quit before we have another baby because it's gone far enough. I didn't smoke through my first pregnancy and I won't this time. I've never smoked around my baby either. I think it's unreasonable for him to expect me to quit when I've never said I would and I don't see how it bothers him. Some days I have a couple and that's it.
Am I being unreasonable to never plan on quitting? I know the risks. I go running everyday, I have a healthy diet and I only have a couple of bottles of wine now and then. Why should I give up smoking?

You'll get alot of YABU on Mn.

Im a smoker. I go through cycles, last couple of weeks I've smoked very heavily.
Yesterday I had none. Today I intend not to have any.

Youre an adult. You know the risks, DH knew about your habit when he got with you and when you had your first.

I think he's being unreasonable. It's your choice to quit, if you want too. Not his. It's hardly a shock revelation.

@RampantIvy

I think it is because it immediately affects the people around you *@Lifeaintalwaysempty*. Standing in a queue outside a supermarket with someone smoking in front of you is extremely unpleasant. If someone who drinks or is obese stands in front of you it doesn't affect you.

I have personal reasons for hating the habit, which I posted upthread earlier this morning.

obesity, alcoholism (amongst other things) both have a significant impact on individuals, children, society. Less than 15% of the population smoke so it can’t be personally affecting you that much in supermarket queues. I do not smoke but I hate the level of sanctimonious judgement served on those who do.

I used to. Quit years ago. Look! You know the risks. So it’s your choice really. BUT. I can see where he is coming from. It is a costly, health damaging and disgusting drug. I d have a real problem if my hubby did what you are doing. Can see both sides on this.

Standing in a queue outside a supermarket with someone smoking in front of you is extremely unpleasant.

Not all smokers would smoke in that situation, though. I wouldn't. If I'm smoking outside and there's no designated smoking area I go off on my own to do it.

@RampantIvy not directed at you in particular just saying generally. I’ve read your PP and that must’ve been very difficult for you.

Just that we seem to have a level of empathy for other behaviours that people engage in that they know may be unhealthy/ dangerous that we don’t employ for smokers, as if they somehow aren’t deserving of it.

I quit about ten years ago when I started to think about having a baby, but started again when my mum was dying three years ago. Very stressful difficult time. I'm five days into not smoking , I have a zero nicotine vape to help me get through it. It was vanity and money which pushed me through. Even sat in a pub beer garden next to a smoker and managed to not want a cig, or even a vape, but it's early days yet. I'm also getting to an age where smoking just is too risky to continue from a health point of view. I'm a lone parent and want to see my kid grow to!

@Lifeaintalwaysempty

People seem to be incredibly cruel and judgemental about smokers in a way that they are not, about other behaviours that are harmful to individuals and to society etc, like obesity, alcoholism etc. What a disgusting thing to say that someone values cigarettes more than their children.

Disgusting to put cigarettes before your children, in my book.

I smoked for 18 years and quit when I found out I was pregnant.

Like you I used to tell myself it wasnt lots - around 8 a day. But that's just like saying "it could be worse" it doesnt mean it's not harmful.

I'm pleased I quit. I did it for my baby, but it's me who will have the greatest benefit. I still regret the damage I did to my body and hope I dont suffer for it later.

I would never have responded to nagging though. You have to want to do it not be shamed into it.

obesity, alcoholism (amongst other things) both have a significant impact on individuals, children, society. Less than 15% of the population smoke so it can’t be personally affecting you that much in supermarket queues.

I was referring to the immediateness of smoking, not the effect on society. I realise that anything that impacts on our health impacts society as a whole, but this was a specific answer to a specific question.

As I said earlier, smoking has affected me very negatively. My parents used to smoke in the car with the windows closed. It was a two door car so we couldn't open windows in the back. I think that would be considered child abuse these days.

I don't care if other people want to smoke, but I don't want them to smoke near me.

I used to smoke and loved it. I gave up the day I found out I was pregnant with my first and never smoked again. I couldn’t say I won’t ever again even just one, but I couldn’t bear to have second hand smoke, or even the smell, around my kids - even now they’re almost teens. I’m a teacher and it’s so horrible when a child’s hair, coat etc smells.

Yes, I smoked. DH and I both did until we decided we wanted to have children and then we both have up. I think parents who smoke are selfish, sorry. I know it's an addiction and giving up is really not easy but there is help available and you can do it. You are risking your own health and your children's health and I don't know why anyone would do that, I'm afraid.

Yes I smoked, yes I gave up and I try to help others give up too.

You clearly do not know the risks, or particularly care for them, or you wouldn't keep smoking, you may be fine now, but when your older and have a lot to live for, you may not be.

I strongly advise speaking to your 'area' stop smoking team and ask for some tablets to help you give up, you will NEVER regret it.

It totally fucks your skin OP - even if you’re a light smoker

I have lines like I’m ten years older and only really smoked 6-10 a day

If anybody’s reading this:
Just stop.
You’ll feel like shot when you hit 40 otherwise

@LemonRoses guess what, you can be a wonderful loving parent and smoke. You can also be a horrible shitty parent and not smoke.
Smoking doesn’t define what sort of a parent you are, it’s one type of very unhealthy habit, there are several others.

If you can give up for 9 months during pregnancy, you're not addicted to it. Why don't you consider stopping for your own health benefits and eliminate the risk of your children breathing in your second hand smoke?

I used to smoke heavily - about 20 a day. I stopped when I developed a smokers cough about 7 or 8 years ago. I gave up using a Quickmist spray, it's highly addictive and I still use it now 😔

Have you tried vaping? That's what I see most people using now. Being honest, the smell of smoke or stale smoke is rank, and I shudder to think that's what I used to smell like.

If you don't want to stop though, I read that lots of dark green veg may help counteract the damaging effects of cigs. I have no idea if this is true though!

It's totally up to you but it's also totally up to your husband to have it as a deal breaker. Yes he is being unreasonable to expect you to if you've never said you wanted to, but be prepared for it to break your marriage. It is your choice and the risk may also extend to your relationships, not just health.

I used to smoke and gave up 11 years ago. I am pleased I did and since stopping I can see how stinky it was, even though I couldn't smell it

Not all smokers would smoke in that situation, though. I wouldn't. If I'm smoking outside and there's no designated smoking area I go off on my own to do it.

Thank you @Arbadacarba. I think you are right. I think that since the change in smoking laws smokers are more aware of how their habit affects others, and a lot of them do make sure they smoke away from others.

I am older than most of you and can remember when you could smoke on public transport, in planes, in cinemas, in pubs and restaurants, basically everywhere. Being in an enclosed space in a fug of smoke was just awful.

On a flight back from New York I was queuing at the back of the plane for the loo. The entire back part of the plane was curtained off for the smokers. There were some flight cots with small babies in in this section where nearly everyone was smoking. It was just awful. Thank goodness we have come a long way from that.

YABVU and selfish towards your family.

You will smell; smokers always do they just can’t tell.

You’ll also be passing on second and third hand smoke to your child and damaging their health. That is not acceptable.

No I don't smoke.

When you say you know the risks, do you really? Both of my parents were smokers. I hated it as a child - being trapped in the car with them especially. Dad died of copd 4 years ago, caused by smoking. He spent the last year of his life on oxygen. My mother also has copd and is now in a care home. I looked after her in my home for 4 years - it nearly destroyed me. She is skeletal, less than 5 stone and is suffering dreadfully, slowly suffocating to death. She still smokes and has put it ahead of literally everything all her life. I'm sorry if this is distressing to read but its truly hellish to watch. These are the risks you are taking for yourself and your loved ones.

No I don’t smoke and absolutely hate the smell of cigarettes.
When people smoke in public it annoys me so much because I hate the smell. Even worse when I’m pregnant.
My mum smokes and I’m always complaining. She says she’ll slowly cut down but it seems like she smokes more 🙄

Never smoked because my parents smoked 20 a day each. In the house, the car with the windows up. Our whole house stank of smoke, our clothes, our hair. We were poor because my parents prioritised paying for cigarettes.

My Dad had quit several times but my Mum was a light a cigarette before she even got out of bed in a morning person which made it hard for him to stay a non-smoker with her starting at the crack of dawn.

My Mum was diagnosed with stage 4b lung cancer with absolutely no symptoms whatsoever. No cough, no wheezing. She was incredibly "fit" and active. It was found on a routine mammogram. It was a horrific shock. Even to her.

As she was symptom free they went down the chemotherapy route. We watched her lose her hair, watched her bloat on steroids. She was absolutely riddled with cancer everywhere, breast, bones, brain.

As her adult children in our mid to late 30s we held her hands as she died at the grand old age of 62 just shy of her 63rd birthday, less than 3 months after her diagnosis. We miss her. My Dad is still alive, 11 years later. A shell of a man who misses his beloved wife of 44 years.

You are deluded if you think wearing a coat stops the rest of your clothes from smelling. What about your hair? And it lingers on skin for ages.

What about the example you are setting to your children?

Why on earth did you start again after your first pregnancy?! Perfect time to give up, because you’d already given up!

[quote Lifeaintalwaysempty]@LemonRoses guess what, you can be a wonderful loving parent and smoke. You can also be a horrible shitty parent and not smoke.
Smoking doesn’t define what sort of a parent you are, it’s one type of very unhealthy habit, there are several others.[/quote]
I might afraid I’d disagree. We all want to think of ourselves as loving parents but actions speak louder than words.

If you choose to increase your child’s risk of death before they’re even born (1000 annual pregnancy losses related to smoking annually) or don’t care enough about them to prevent them developing more frequent and severe asthma attacks, respiratory infections, ear infections, and sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS), then that doesn’t sound very loving, does it?

Try reframing, “I deliberately and consciously chose to let my child have repeated hospital admissions which involved having cannulas stuck in their hands when they were gasping to breath, because I preferred cigarettes.” It becomes abusive, doesn’t it? An act of wilful commission that harms a child.

I have never smoked, never even tried. I find it utterly disgusting and think it is incedibly selfish around children. I just cannot fathom how anyone puts smoking ahead of the health of their own children.

My biggest pet hate in life is seeing parents smoking whilst pushing prams. So gross.