Do you smoke? Have you ever?

[Victoriabythesea]

I've been a smoker since I was 17, I don't smoke a lot probably about 4 to 8 on a normal day and more if I'm out on a weekend. When I met DH I was a smoker but he's never liked it and is always at me to quit. I don't want to quit I know the risks and I try to be considerate, I don't smoke in the house and I wear a coat outside to smoke so my clothes don't smell, I don't spend a fortune on them and I don't have DH sat in smoking areas with me when we go out.
Yesterday he told me he expects me to quit before we have another baby because it's gone far enough. I didn't smoke through my first pregnancy and I won't this time. I've never smoked around my baby either. I think it's unreasonable for him to expect me to quit when I've never said I would and I don't see how it bothers him. Some days I have a couple and that's it.
Am I being unreasonable to never plan on quitting? I know the risks. I go running everyday, I have a healthy diet and I only have a couple of bottles of wine now and then. Why should I give up smoking?

I don't get the 'I know the risks' attitude. If you really knew what it felt like to have a life limiting illness or die a slow and painful early death, you'd stop smoking. It's hard to stop but not as bad as the alternative.

@tonystarksrighthand

"I don't smoke in the house and I wear a coat outside to smoke so my clothes don't smell,"

Trust me you smell.

This

I've never smoked. I tried a cigarette once, as a teenager, & hated it. DH used to smoke before we got together but quit because he knew there wasn't a chance in hell I'd go out with a smoker, I'm severely asthmatic. He was on about 10 a day, more at the pub at the weekend etc, & he went cold turkey because it was important to him. Never smoked again in 17 years that we've been together.

All smokers smell of smoke. If doesn't matter if they change their clothes, shower & wash their hair, brush their teeth, whatever. It's in the breath, the skin, everything. You can minimise the smell but it's always present.

@Crowsaregreat

I don't get the 'I know the risks' attitude. If you really knew what it felt like to have a life limiting illness or die a slow and painful early death, you'd stop smoking. It's hard to stop but not as bad as the alternative.

Do you also not understand why people who are extremely obese, whose weight may also limit their life and their life quality, don’t just eat less? Or why people who have an alcohol problem don’t just drink less? People make choices that aren’t good for them, for many many reasons. Maybe you aren’t one of them, great for you. For some reason when it’s to do with smokers, it’s ok to have zero empathy and say they are selfish, awful human beings who don’t love their children and smell repulsive.

I’ve never smoked and one of the first questions I asked my DH when I met him was “ do you smoke “ it’s a massive dealbreaker to me . I wouldn’t have dated him if he smoked .
Luckily he’s not a smoker .

Sadly my stupid son took up smoking at around 15 - he’s now 26 . I hate that he smokes and I won’t let him smoke in my house and I actually have one of those smoker letterboxes outside where he smokes and puts the used cigarette ends in.

I won’t let him smoke in my garden either .

No and no. Both my parents died, in one case horribly slowly and painfully, of smoking related disease. Don't be them.

Smoking is lethal you are only delaying the inevitable hideous illness, early death deluding yourself that, that is your choice, which it is but it is not your kid's choice.

I did smoke, gave up at 25.

My mum's next door neighbour smoked and ended up with horrendous throat cancer, had to talk through a mechanical voice box. This has put my son off for life and made him very grateful that I don't.

Never have. I don’t see the attraction if there ever is one. People know the dangers and are still stupid enough to do it. You smell, it lingers and you know that. Your kids think its ok as you do it.

Show your kids its not ok. Do something else for them to look up to you than smoke.

It's all very well saying dh met op as a non smoker so doesn't get a say in wanting her to stop but life doesn't work like that. People's views can change over time and it's obviously a big deal to him now. It's like when you're younger not being fussed about eating healthier foods or partying too hard and only realising the effect it's having on you years later.

Do you love smoking so much you're willing to continue making your DH unhappy op? He's obviously concerned about your child. Does that not mean anything to you?

Before people get upset and say that it works the other way and that if the husband and child loved op they'd be happy to let her continue smoking look at the argument objectively.

No-one is winning in this situation. Only the tobacco company who are laughing all the way to the bank while op smokes her health away thinking she's enjoying it but really it's just that she's addicted.

I smoked from 16 - 22. I'm the annoying ex-smoker who can't stand it now, and would never ever have married someone who smoked, outside or not - you can 100% taste and smell it on them and it's gross.

I guess you're BU in that your husband knew he was marrying a smoker, but YABU I think not to ever consider giving up.

I smoked right up until I fell pregnant at 26 and then stopped for the whole of my pregnancy and pretty much a year after. Then life happened and I ended up having just one once dd had gone to bed....slippery slope and a year later I was back to smoking normally, always outside never in the house same as you.

People underestimate how hard it is to give up, and the thing is even when you give up you're still a smoker you just don't smoke if that makes sense! Anyway, I compromised with myself and switched to a vape. I suppose there are hundreds of arguments against that too but I didn't want to quit, I enjoyed smoking I just didn't enjoy the smell and the health risks. I know nicotine is a problem still but at least I'm not inhaling tar now, I smell nicer and it tastes better too! Maybe switch to a vape? You could always lower the nicotine slowly and quit that way but I'll be honest that was my plan too and I'm still on 6mg or I'm naggy!

No and yes (2 years smoke free). I was like you OP - I liked smoking. I didnt want to give up. I hated anyone nagging me about it. I took active steps to be a considerate smoker.

You say you know the risks but it isnt rational to truly accept the risks and carry on. 1 in 2 smokers will get lung cancer. You do smell - for hours after you put out your cigarette. You are literally setting fire to your wages. In your heart of hearts you must know that you are glossing over the risks.

In the end I stopped because I felt I'd chanced the risks for long enough and realised I didnt want to one day be told I was going to die and know I'd done it to myself. The biggest shock of all when I gave up was how easy it was (nocotine gum for about six weeks). The three month hacking cough and gasping for breath (of which, no sign during my smoking years) was enough to stop me ever going back though.

Yes, I used to smoke about the same amount as you but I gave it up when I started TTC three years ago and haven't had one since. You are doing your child no good by smoking even if you don't do it in front of them. You will smell of it, your clothes will smell of it, you're setting a bad example as they get older and you will probably die prematurely, so all in all I think it's unfair on your kids.

I am not saying this to be all judgy pants by the way, those things are factually true. I loved smoking, properly loved it, and I still miss it, I just value the other stuff more.

If you can't give up for the sake of your children then dont have more children. You are exposing them to chemicals and showing them bad habits.

Why should you give up smoking? I lived next door to a lovely family with six young children. Dad smoked a handful a day. Dad was diagnosed with lung cancer and died within months. He was a very loving father.

Smoked off and on from 13-28. Stopped at 28 because I knew I wanted children within a few years and that I wanted plenty of time quit before they came along. I’d been quit for a couple of years by the time I became a parent.

It’s just not something I could do to a child of mine on any level, smoking costs money you’re taking away from your family funds, it massively increases the chances that you’ll die earlier and leave them heartbroken. It puts them at risk no matter how careful you are, it makes it normal to them and increases the chances they’ll think it’s okay to smoke when they grow up.

I just feel like if you’re selfish enough to smoke while you have kids you’re too selfish to properly give those kids the upbringing they deserve tbh. I don’t feel that strongly about many things. By all means smoke all you like when you don’t have dependents. But to smoke when you have children you’ve chosen to bear relying on you is just appalling.

@UseOfWeapons

That is interesting, had a quick flick through.
There's definitely more aggression directed at smoking than any other addiction, and more negativity attached. With the exception of obesity maybe.
Personally it strikes me as something that someone is able to be superior over, if they're that way inclined, and the feeling of moral superiority is quite addictive in itself.
It serves no real purpose to the smoker or the people affected by it, people are generally being told things they already know, and if bitchy and sarcastic comments stopped people doing things, then there would be a lot fewer vices (or indeed differences) around. The only purpose it really serves is making the person saying I feel good at someone else's expense.

[quote Iquitit]@UseOfWeapons

That is interesting, had a quick flick through.
There's definitely more aggression directed at smoking than any other addiction, and more negativity attached. With the exception of obesity maybe.
Personally it strikes me as something that someone is able to be superior over, if they're that way inclined, and the feeling of moral superiority is quite addictive in itself.
It serves no real purpose to the smoker or the people affected by it, people are generally being told things they already know, and if bitchy and sarcastic comments stopped people doing things, then there would be a lot fewer vices (or indeed differences) around. The only purpose it really serves is making the person saying I feel good at someone else's expense.[/quote]
Excellent point

How does “knowing the risks” make any difference what so ever?

I have never smoked.

I imagine your OH wants you to quit because he doesn’t want his children to lose their mother to cancer.

I think YABU not to want to quit. How is your habit worth more to you than your longevity? Say you get cancer (and 50% of us will) how will you feel knowing that you could have reduced your risk, but chose not to?

I'm 47. Never have. Never even tried one. Of all my friends, I only know two people who smoke (knew around ten more but they've all quit).

I smoked from age 18 to 34. 18 years stopped. Dh and I both stopped when we were ttc and knew it was the right thing to do not to restart. We both started smoking as teens because it was the norm in our houses.

My dad stopped smoking in his 40s, but it was too late and after watching him for years struggle for every breath, slowly dying from COPD I'm glad we stopped. Hopefully we stopped soon enough that ds doesn't need to watch us go through the same, but if not at least ds is less likely to start.

It is strange that people are so nasty to smokers and mention the health aspect and how they smell etc... but people wouldn’t dream of saying to an obese person, you know you will die young right? You know you stink in the day? You should think of your kids! You must love food more than them etc etc!

In answer to your question op, no I don’t think he has the right to force you to quit. Like a husband doesn’t have the right to force his wife on a diet. Or force you to do anything with your body that you don’t want to do. Your body your choice.

Never smoked. This would be a deal breaker for me. If I was your partner, you telling me that you "know the risks" would really upset and anger me, because it's basically like you are saying that you are aware that it will shorten your life expectancy by 10 years, but you don't care enough to quit. I wouldn't want to have more children with someone with that attitude. But then he knew you smoked when he married you I guess.

It’s not really comparable to obesity Amber. Everyone eats. Yes some let it get out of control, but obesity is not an active choice that people make, it’s usually an unintended consequence of their eating & behaviour.
Smoking isn’t an unintended consequence, it’s a choice. Yes it is very hard to quit, but to not even want to is an unusual position in my experience. Most obese people will tell you they’d live to lose weight.