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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I feel torn between husband & son

486 replies

Carmelle · 02/05/2021 21:07

Hi,
I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or if he is!
I’m going to try and break this down to the point!
So I’m married (not to kids dad) got 3 teens now. My oldest sons 21 and still lives at home.
Last year son and his now ex had a baby. I love my grandson to death and as far as I’m concerned my son can have him here anytime he wants or needs.
But my husband is very aggy about it.
He said it’s not practical to have grandson overnight during the week as it disturbs his sleep and he has to get up early for work. He said non of us consider him and if son wants to see his son more he needs to get his own place. (I don’t agree)
Son and his ex want him to come alternate weekends and a night or 2 midweek on the weeks he’s not here at the weekend.
Iv just had to say no to my son having his son this week, because my husband said no.
I feel real shitty about it. We’ve already had so many arguments over this, so I’m trying to be sympathetic to my husband, but It’s not sitting right with me.
I don’t know if I’m being selfish,
Intolerant of my husband, or if he is being the selfish one!
In my head I think it would all be ok if husband wasn’t here.

Please help!

OP posts:
Whitchurch · 02/05/2021 21:10

I think it's time your son started looking for his own place.

Shoxfordian · 02/05/2021 21:12

Yeah your son should look for his own place
I wouldn’t be thrilled about it if I were your husband

purpleme12 · 02/05/2021 21:14

I agree with you

Porcupineintherough · 02/05/2021 21:15

Can your son afford a decent place to live? I would want my children and grandchildren to be welcome in my home, esp if one of my sons became a father at such a young age.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 02/05/2021 21:15

Your son needs to learn to be a father to his child rather than expecting his Ma to enable him. I wouldn't want a baby or toddler round regularly, been there, done that.

Your son needs to get his own place and start being a man.

MichelleScarn · 02/05/2021 21:16

Who cares for dgs when he stays at yours? If your dh has sleep disturbed as you are primary carer then, he inbu.

Unanananana · 02/05/2021 21:17

Your son needs his own place to have his son stay. Your DH would probably be happier to put up with it if there is an end date to disturbed nights.

RachelRaven · 02/05/2021 21:18

Your son is a father and an adult. He needs his own place.

Original poster
Carmelle · 02/05/2021 21:18

@MichelleScarn

Who cares for dgs when he stays at yours? If your dh has sleep disturbed as you are primary carer then, he inbu.
My son cares for him. But of course we are all in the living room together, bed time of grandson cries it washes my husband up xXx
OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 02/05/2021 21:19

I think if your son is old enough to Procreate he is old enough to leave his Mum

Springsnake · 02/05/2021 21:19

Totally disagree with all the posters above ,my children’s children will always be welcome in my home .
It’s not that easy at 21 to just move out
Better to stay out and save for a morgage
My husband would never complain about any grandchildren staying over ,but that’s because they are his children
I think your husband is totally unreasonable

PatrickBatemann · 02/05/2021 21:19

@osbertthesyrianhamster

Your son needs to learn to be a father to his child rather than expecting his Ma to enable him. I wouldn't want a baby or toddler round regularly, been there, done that.

Your son needs to get his own place and start being a man.

This.

If he can father a baby, he can stand on his own two feet and get his own place.

Springsnake · 02/05/2021 21:20

Stay put ,not stay out

ForgedInFire · 02/05/2021 21:20

Depending on the area you live in and sons income it could be next to impossible for him to rent somewhere appropriate to bring the baby. I would hate to put him in a situation where he couldn't have that time, yes he is an adult but a fairly young one. I think your husband is being unreasonable and it's sad that it doesn't sound like he considers the child to be his grandchild.

Original poster
Carmelle · 02/05/2021 21:20

@Porcupineintherough

Can your son afford a decent place to live? I would want my children and grandchildren to be welcome in my home, esp if one of my sons became a father at such a young age.
That's the problem .. my son can't afford his own place at the moment. I would hate him to force him out and he be struggling xXx
OP posts:
TooBored1 · 02/05/2021 21:21

Does your son contribute to the household expenses?

Though tbh, I think I'd take your son's side any day. Helping him develop a strong bond with his child is the best thing you can do for your grandchild.

LuaDipa · 02/05/2021 21:22

In my head I think it would all be ok if husband wasn’t here.

I think it probably would. He doesn’t feel for your dgc in the same way that you do. You have to decide if that is acceptable to you.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 02/05/2021 21:22

@ForgedInFire

Depending on the area you live in and sons income it could be next to impossible for him to rent somewhere appropriate to bring the baby. I would hate to put him in a situation where he couldn't have that time, yes he is an adult but a fairly young one. I think your husband is being unreasonable and it's sad that it doesn't sound like he considers the child to be his grandchild.
Why should he consider this child to be his grandchild, he's not.
UseMyName · 02/05/2021 21:23

Why should your husband have less than a say than you? Your son needs to grow up and get a place of his own.

Annasgirl · 02/05/2021 21:23

I think you are being a little but evasive OP.

Does your 21 year old son, who still lives at home with you, really take 100% some care of his baby when he has the baby?

Do you work OP?
Does your husbands job fund your home?
Are any of your DC your husband’s children?

These answers will help us flesh it all out. Also is the 21 year old working and if so who minds the baby while he is at work?

Laaaayla · 02/05/2021 21:24

21 is not an unreasonable age to still be living at home these days. I’d far rather my grandchild was spending time at mine than in a bedsit or a dodgy flat share.

Sushirolls · 02/05/2021 21:24

@Springsnake

Totally disagree with all the posters above ,my children’s children will always be welcome in my home . It’s not that easy at 21 to just move out Better to stay out and save for a morgage My husband would never complain about any grandchildren staying over ,but that’s because they are his children I think your husband is totally unreasonable
I totally agree.

I have my DGS's regularly overnight during the week to give DD a break, as I work weekends.

Yes sometimes dh gets woken if they're unsettled (baby & toddler) but he deals with it because they're his DGS's. He even gets up with them and lets me lay in as they all wake at stupid o'clock 😂 and he wakes him to take over when he needs to go to work.

OwlBasket · 02/05/2021 21:24

Ideally DS would have his own place, obviously. It sounds like he’s doing his utmost to be a good father and I applaud you for supporting that.

How is DH with your other sons? Do you still enjoy your relationship?

ForgedInFire · 02/05/2021 21:24

osbertthesyrianhamster Because when he married OP they became a family? I consider both of my parents partners to be grandparents to my DC and they feel the same way. Genetics aren't everything

osbertthesyrianhamster · 02/05/2021 21:25

Then tell your h you want a divorce. Is the house jointly owned? I wouldn't want to put up with a baby/toddler/young child in my home again. It's not his grandchild.

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