I feel torn between husband & son

[Carmelle]

Hi,
I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or if he is!
I’m going to try and break this down to the point!
So I’m married (not to kids dad) got 3 teens now. My oldest sons 21 and still lives at home.
Last year son and his now ex had a baby. I love my grandson to death and as far as I’m concerned my son can have him here anytime he wants or needs.
But my husband is very aggy about it.
He said it’s not practical to have grandson overnight during the week as it disturbs his sleep and he has to get up early for work. He said non of us consider him and if son wants to see his son more he needs to get his own place. (I don’t agree)
Son and his ex want him to come alternate weekends and a night or 2 midweek on the weeks he’s not here at the weekend.
Iv just had to say no to my son having his son this week, because my husband said no.
I feel real shitty about it. We’ve already had so many arguments over this, so I’m trying to be sympathetic to my husband, but It’s not sitting right with me.
I don’t know if I’m being selfish,
Intolerant of my husband, or if he is being the selfish one!
In my head I think it would all be ok if husband wasn’t here.
Please help!

[Smorgasbored0000]

I don’t think anyone is BU. If your DH says no to grandson staying over, then your son has to choose between not seeing his son or moving out and potentially living in relative poverty if he struggles financially, neither of which are a good outcome for your DGS.

There must be a compromise somewhere. Another area of the house that DS can sleep with his son so your DH isn’t woken? These early years are so precious and important for bonding that it would be a shame to prevent your DS from having that with his own child. Good luck.

[osbertthesyrianhamster]

@ForgedInFire

osbertthesyrianhamster Because when he married OP they became a family? I consider both of my parents partners to be grandparents to my DC and they feel the same way. Genetics aren't everything

They're his stepkids. Genetics aren't everything to you, but they matter to some and there's nothing wrong with it. Partners aren't even married, they can disappear from your childrens' lives at any time.

[Sceptre86]

I think yabu , it is you dh's home too and his thoughts and feelings should matter. Your son is young at 21 granted, however if he decided to have a child then he needs to be able to take care of him and that means not relying on you. He should look towards getting his own place and then have his son over as much as he wants. Who does the bulk of the childcare when your grandson is at yours?

My colleague went through a similar experience when her son split from his ex and the two grandchildren would come and stay with their dad at my colleague's home. She found that the ex or son never discussed when the kids would be over with them directly and it impacted on their social life. For instance they felt they couldn't have friends over for drinks and music if the kids had to be in bed by 7. They worked all week and just wanted to chill out on the weekends. The only difference was they were both the parents of the son. They did support this for a few months and then helped him find a cheap place to rent and gave him a deposit and kitted out his flat. They still see their grandchildren regularly (pre covid) but it was more on their terms. Would you consider doing something like this? What does your dh think should happen? Have you discussed it?

[PatrickBatemann]

@ForgedInFire

osbertthesyrianhamster Because when he married OP they became a family? I consider both of my parents partners to be grandparents to my DC and they feel the same way. Genetics aren't everything

It's still not his grandchild. My DF doesn't really class his step-daughter's children to be his grandkids, and I doubt i'd class my step-mother as a grandmother to mine.

[gamerchick]

You have 3 teens and a 21 yr old living at home?

It's time he got his own place, I couldn't be doing any of that with my own kids never mind my husband putting up with it as a stepdad. Not with 6 people living in the house as it is.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

In my head I think it would all be ok if husband wasn’t here.

Right. But he’s your husband. You chose to live with him and marry him for better for worse. He’s putting in boundaries about what goes on in your shared home, not threatening to leave you. Your son will eventually grow up and be independent, your grandson will live with him and your son’s ex. Don’t you want your DH to still be there when that happens?

[Carmelle]

@Annasgirl

I think you are being a little but evasive OP.

Does your 21 year old son, who still lives at home with you, really take 100% some care of his baby when he has the baby?

Do you work OP?
Does your husbands job fund your home?
Are any of your DC your husband’s children?

These answers will help us flesh it all out. Also is the 21 year old working and if so who minds the baby while he is at work?

I was just trying to condense everything down a lot!

I work, husband works, son Works p/t and has college.

If son is working or at college then gs goes home.

I don't do all the care taking my son will do it.

Husband says he loves him and considers him his grandchild. xXx

[ludothedog]

I will always choose my adult kids and grandchildren over any man, married to him or not. Easy.

[TheNinny]

I think your DH is being unreasonable as your son is currently living with you. I guess he would approve of him not being an involved parent then, as thats the alternative. If its the midweek that's the problem, then 1 night every other week or so really isn't much in the scheme of things But your son should probably start making plans for his own place asap.

[Carmelle]

@Annasgirl

I think you are being a little but evasive OP.

Does your 21 year old son, who still lives at home with you, really take 100% some care of his baby when he has the baby?

Do you work OP?
Does your husbands job fund your home?
Are any of your DC your husband’s children?

These answers will help us flesh it all out. Also is the 21 year old working and if so who minds the baby while he is at work?

No non of the children are biologically his but he's been in their lives for the past 12 years

[osbertthesyrianhamster]

Bet you're doing more of the care than you think.

[MichelleScarn]

Today 21:22LuaDipa

In my head I think it would all be ok if husband wasn’t here.

So you would want him to leave his home? Would you leave and find elsewhere for you and dc and dgc to all live?

[Aprilshowersandhail]

When my ds had a ds he spilt up with his gf.. Had his own place but we had dgc 2 nights a week for 18 months. Dh had dgc for half that time on his own.
If my dh wasn't fully onboard with whatever support I needed to give my adult dc he would be an ex..
Same when dd split from her bf. She moved here for a few months. No chat necessary.. Dh assumed she would be coming here until she got sorted... Best dh ever imo.

[Carmelle]

@gamerchick

You have 3 teens and a 21 yr old living at home?

It's time he got his own place, I couldn't be doing any of that with my own kids never mind my husband putting up with it as a stepdad. Not with 6 people living in the house as it is.

Sorry no only 3 kids altogether! 2teens and the 21 year old xXx

[Lemmeout]

Your dh is being unreasonable, your child needs support. Sounds like he is doing his share of responsibility, that is preferable to being an absent parent. How long is the college course? Can you support him get set up in a little place of his own?? Is he in the housing register?

[Talkwhilstyouwalk]

@Springsnake

Totally disagree with all the posters above ,my children’s children will always be welcome in my home .
It’s not that easy at 21 to just move out
Better to stay out and save for a morgage
My husband would never complain about any grandchildren staying over ,but that’s because they are his children
I think your husband is totally unreasonable

I completely agree with this. These days 21 is young, and it's not exactly been easy for young people of late. I think your son probably needs and deserves your support!

[mumtobe9]

If you have been together just a couple of years and there is no relationship/attachment between him and your sons I understand him. He probably thought as your kids are growing up that it would be just the 2 of you and now he sees himself stuck with your son and his son for the foreseeable future. Have you ever thought that if he was the kids father he might had had the same attitude? I know for a fact my father would Have kicked me out of their house if I had dared to have a child When I was living with them and unable to maintain myself let alone a child.

Lastly, Do the house belong to both of you? Or was his and now he sees his place taken over by Jesus, Mary, Joseph and the wee donkey? Does he has any children of his own?

[idrinkchocolatemilk]

God I couldn’t imagine my daughter ever reaching an age where I told her it was time to leave. Some of you sound absolutely awful. OP that is your sons home and he should be able to have his child there if he wishes too. Your husband is moaning about 2 nights a month? I’d tell him to shut up the big old whinge bag

[Tickledtrout]

Is this the first time your H has lived with a small child OP? What is he objecting to exactly? The child crying at bed time? Does your H have a hobby that would get him / both of you out of the house for an hour or so on the nights GS is there maybe?
Does he realise this won't be forever? Maybe you could talk him through a timeline, including how children grow and when your son will finish college and maybe able to move out.
I agree with you but wonder if you can help your H live with the situation.

[merrynelly]

I'm going to go against the grain and say I would never ask my son to move out. I chose to have him and will help and support him in any way I can. Just because he is 21 does not mean he is ready to move out, and it seems you've said he's not in a position to either. I think western culture is too quick to kick our children out. Love and support is what everyone wants and he clearly needs your help right now so that he can see his son. Your husband could be a bit more compassionate

[UseMyName]

The son can still be an involved father, he just can’t do overnights until he gets a place of his own.

[user1471457751]

Did your DH never want kids or was he never in a position to have them? Because if he never wanted them I'm not surprised he's not happy to have a baby in his home for a couple of days a week.

Do you find your routine changes on the days the baby is with you? I wonder if your husband was looking forward to more free time/time with you now your kids are getting older and that's not happening because of the baby

[idrinkchocolatemilk]

@UseMyName

The son can still be an involved father, he just can’t do overnights until he gets a place of his own.

Don’t be ridiculous.

[Yay4spring]

Can your DH get some noise cancelling headphones if he wants an uninterrupted night’s sleep.

[dammit88]

Im on your side. Id be wanting to support my son to be the best dad he can, including the overnights. Some support now could make all the difference in a few years.