I feel torn between husband & son

[Carmelle]

Hi,
I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or if he is!
I’m going to try and break this down to the point!
So I’m married (not to kids dad) got 3 teens now. My oldest sons 21 and still lives at home.
Last year son and his now ex had a baby. I love my grandson to death and as far as I’m concerned my son can have him here anytime he wants or needs.
But my husband is very aggy about it.
He said it’s not practical to have grandson overnight during the week as it disturbs his sleep and he has to get up early for work. He said non of us consider him and if son wants to see his son more he needs to get his own place. (I don’t agree)
Son and his ex want him to come alternate weekends and a night or 2 midweek on the weeks he’s not here at the weekend.
Iv just had to say no to my son having his son this week, because my husband said no.
I feel real shitty about it. We’ve already had so many arguments over this, so I’m trying to be sympathetic to my husband, but It’s not sitting right with me.
I don’t know if I’m being selfish,
Intolerant of my husband, or if he is being the selfish one!
In my head I think it would all be ok if husband wasn’t here.
Please help!

[UseMyName]

@idrinkchocolatemilk what is that ridiculous? The husband has just as much say about what happens in his home.

[Laaaayla]

I bet the baby’s mum was really delighted when your son couldn’t take the baby because your husband wouldn’t allow it. If relations are alright I would really try not to fuck around with that.

[OhRene]

Your son is a father. A grown up.

Time to move out.

[Scottishskifun]

I think you're husband is being unreasonable as long as it's your son who is getting up and sorting his son out.

Surely some war plugs would solve the problem of your husbands sleep getting disturbed!

[Aprilshowersandhail]

Actually ime my adult dc need support as much as when they were younger in some ways. Especially when life deals them a bad hand. You don't reach 18/21/become a parent and become self sufficient..
Being there for your adult dc is important.. And I guess important to you. Your dh can't know you well enough if he can't support that.

[Scottishskifun]

*Ear plugs!

[UseMyName]

@Laaaayla

I bet the baby’s mum was really delighted when your son couldn’t take the baby because your husband wouldn’t allow it. If relations are alright I would really try not to fuck around with that.

They were both aware of the set up when having this baby, unless they were told it would be ok for the baby to be there and now the situation has changed I can’t really sympathise.

[Wowyouareboring]

I agree with you, wouldn’t sit right with me either.

Anyway to minimise the noise to please your husband ? Moving round of bedrooms etc

[PrincessBuggerPants]

I would be proud my son was pushing to do overnights, on his own, with a baby who still doesn't sleep through the night, despite the breakdown in relationship with the baby's mother.

The modern expectation for parents of babies to deal with sleepless nights alone is unhealthy and unrealistic and it is great the baby's Nanna (whatever you call yourself) is on hand a few nights a fortnight to be there to look after your son and grandson if need be.

Fuck today's individualism.

You are much more valuable to society in general right now, by giving your son your son and grandson the support to exist as they need to, than you would be in any other role. Good on you.

[Carmelle]

@Wowyouareboring

I agree with you, wouldn’t sit right with me either.

Anyway to minimise the noise to please your husband ? Moving round of bedrooms etc

Unfortunately not! We have a 3 bed and my oldest son is already in the dining room !

[sweeneytoddsrazor]

Do people not realise how expensive your own place is these days
All those saying move out would you be happy if your small child went to stay overnight with their Dad in a grotty bedsit or shared accommodation with people who were complete strangers to you?

[tortoiselover100]

I think he should just have the child at weekends.

[OmniversalSpecies2021]

Son and his ex want him to come alternate weekends and a night or 2 midweek on the weeks he’s not here at the weekend
So basically he/they/ want to set up an ongoing, regular contact schedule - and this is him learning how to be an adult and parent?!!

It comes across to me as though you're trying to keep your son in an infantilised position, 'relying' on you to provide the basics that his child needs and that he as a parent needs to provide himself.

It is taking the piss out of your husband, it's his home too and he has every right to not want a baby and all the not-so-good-side of it transplanted into his home.
You share one living room - i highly doubt your son is actually doing the eagle-eye watching of his son and entertaining/childcare/parenting with you directly on hand to 'support' him.

He'll always be your son/child, and he may 'only' be 21 years old.....however he was considered old enough to have unprotected sex and have a child - HE needs to step up and grow up a lot faster.

It would serve him better if you were to advise and guide him re independent living and meeting the challenges of work/life/parenting balance that he needs to start learning

[diddl]

How old is your GS?

How often does he wake at night & also wake your husband up?

[Carmelle]

@Scottishskifun

I think you're husband is being unreasonable as long as it's your son who is getting up and sorting his son out.

Surely some war plugs would solve the problem of your husbands sleep getting disturbed!

If I suggested ear plugs my husband would say "why should I?!"

[DinosaurDiana]

If I were you I’d like to think that I would be putting my son first.
I know he’s an adult etc, but he is family and I would want to support him.

[Harriedharriet]

In my day we moved out at 18 without 2 pennies to rub together. (1987). You lived in a bed sit, learned how to mange, worked it out, and worked up. Your DS could easily live in a bedsit - a baby does not need much.
You can still support him, babysit, participate but hells bells - ALLOW him to learn. Removing every obsticle does him no favours in the long run.
Re your DH - poor guy. Shovel him out the door from his own home after 12 years because he lays down a position that is different to yours.
You may well regret this one op.

[MintMatchmaker]

I feel a bit for your husband. He is having his sleep disturbed because your son made the choice to have a child when he wasn’t in a position to support one.

I totally understand your view and I actually agree with you, but I don’t blame your husband for feeling as he does. Broken sleep is not fun some people just don’t cope very well with it.

[RantyAnty]

Your son is a 21 year old grown man and father now.

Time for him to get his own place even if that means cutting school back to part time and getting a full time job.

[OmniversalSpecies2021]

my oldest son is already in the dining room!
.......and already overcrowded....

Right now your son only needs a one bed place and can swap his bedroom/living room when he has his child over....and save for a 2 bed for as his child grows older.
It's not asking anymore of him than is placed on the shoulders of the mothers.....

[bubblebath62636]

It's a tricky one op i can see both sides.

However I was pregnant at 18, me and my partner were living at my home. We moved out as it was our choice to have a baby.

Your son needs to grow up and move out, you could help him with a deposit maybe?

[Carmelle]

@diddl

How old is your GS?

How often does he wake at night & also wake your husband up?

He will be 1 next week!
If he wakes it's only once, he has eczema so I think it's that that wakes him up itching
Husbands a bin Nan an gets up at 3.am !

[scotsllb]

I'm quite shocked at some of these responses.
The ones about not wanting to have toddlers or young kids in your house again.
Is that not quite cold? These children are family and it takes a village to raise a child.
I think it's ok for DH to be a bi annoyed his sleep is disrupted but he shouldn't be saying the child isn't welcome.
He's the OPs stepdad, shouldn't matter if the GS isn't biological they live as a family and family pull together.
Surely the relationship between the son and his child and grandparents is something to be cherished.
I don't know, I think it's really sad that these little kids are seen as an annoyance

[ConnieCaterpillar70]

Dear God what some horrid responses to this.

Your son is barely an adult, and is doing the responsible thing by having a relationship with his child.

Your DH sounds like a whining brat, frankly, and I'd be packing his bags - not that of my son/grandchild.

[faithfulbird20]

Would your husband do the same if it was his blood sons child? He sounds quite rude... help your son find his own place but then again even if u did...you'd be up there seeing your grandson...then your husband would have a problem with you being there too... think he needs to sympathise more and be fair...