I feel torn between husband & son

[Carmelle]

Hi,
I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or if he is!
I’m going to try and break this down to the point!
So I’m married (not to kids dad) got 3 teens now. My oldest sons 21 and still lives at home.
Last year son and his now ex had a baby. I love my grandson to death and as far as I’m concerned my son can have him here anytime he wants or needs.
But my husband is very aggy about it.
He said it’s not practical to have grandson overnight during the week as it disturbs his sleep and he has to get up early for work. He said non of us consider him and if son wants to see his son more he needs to get his own place. (I don’t agree)
Son and his ex want him to come alternate weekends and a night or 2 midweek on the weeks he’s not here at the weekend.
Iv just had to say no to my son having his son this week, because my husband said no.
I feel real shitty about it. We’ve already had so many arguments over this, so I’m trying to be sympathetic to my husband, but It’s not sitting right with me.
I don’t know if I’m being selfish,
Intolerant of my husband, or if he is being the selfish one!
In my head I think it would all be ok if husband wasn’t here.
Please help!

[eatsleepread]

I can see both sides, but feel your husband is being a bit cold. I think one night through the week and alternate weekends wouldn't be too much. Assuming the baby sleeps in your son's room and your son does the bulk of the care (with you and your husband still being free to do your own thing, if you so wish, on the access weekends).
I think it's going to be a bit shit if your son and grandchild don't feel welcome, and your husband's attitude now could end up affecting your relationship in time to come. He should tread gently here.
Good luck - there MUST be a compromise out there that would work for everyone.

[bluebellsparklypants]

I do feel for you it must be a very hard position to be in. I’m in your favour, my children and grandchildren would always come 1st and I’d always make this clear from the start. I saw this with my mum & dad mum had 2kids before she meet my dad, and I always felt sorry for my mum having to choice and my dad was wrong to put this pressure on her

[EmeraldShamrock]

@Carmelle I hope things will work out. Has there been any changes or compromise?

[DuckAndPancakes]

I forget how much this place is full of hissing snakes, until I get an email with a thread like this.

OP, your husband sounds like a twat.

[Klh86]

Granted your son should start looking for his own place but circumstances may not allow that right now. The most important thing is he has a good relationship with his son and you your grandson. In the end that’s all that matters. I’m sure he doesn’t intend to live with you forever.

[HeartvsBrain]

Onlinedilema, obviously I can't answer for the OP (she hasn't answered my suggestion either, but I don't expect her to answer every bloomin' reply. My suggestion probably doesn't suit them, which is fine, I was just trying to rack my brains for a suggestion), but I can suggest that as OP has already told us that her son has a part-time job, and is at college, then he might not actually have any freely available weekdays - Do you think that that could be a possibility?

[Onlinedilema]

I don't think the I'm had answered my questions. Why doesn't your son have the child during the day and not have him sleep midweek when your husband has to get up for work?
Also you need to insist your son gets up straight away when ever his son is crying so that the disruption is minimal.

[Standrewsschool]

“ A compromise needs to be made so that all are content.”

The most sensible conclusion on this thread. I think it’s one of those situations whereby neither party is in the wrong - one wants his sleep and the other his son.

[SonnyWinds]

Your son needs to move out. How would you feel if DH unilaterally moved a baby into your house? I assume he's not being cruel to the baby here - he just wants to be able to sleep before he has to go to work.

[Bimblingaway]

@Chillychangchoo

OP needs to put her son and grandson first, end of.

Don’t abandon your son when he’s trying to be a good dad. You’ll regret it. Listen to your intuition and hopefully you’ll come to your senses.

Wow, quite dramatic. it’s hardly ‘abandoning her son’ by asking for weekend only overnight visits. There are other people to be considered in this scenario (I.e. her husband who presumably pays towards the upkeep of the home). A compromise needs to be made so that all are content.

[SaltAndVinegarSandwiches]

I'm with you. At 21 he probably can't afford his own place. I would prefer he stays with me saves up for a deposit or trains for a well paidjob rather than moving out prematurely. Even when my DC are adults they'll still have my support and be welcome in my home.

[Chillychangchoo]

OP needs to put her son and grandson first, end of.

Don’t abandon your son when he’s trying to be a good dad. You’ll regret it. Listen to your intuition and hopefully you’ll come to your senses.

[DeeCeeCherry]

Son and his ex want him to come alternate weekends and a night or 2 midweek on the weeks he’s not here at the weekend*

Danger - normal family life

[Billandben444]

To be honest if this was my husband I'd be really cross that he clearly doesn't see the children as his in any way and it would need a serious conversation.

He'd feel exactly the same about disturbed nights if they were his own flesh and blood.

Husband moved into OP's home, where she was living with her son. Their family home. They didnt move in with him. So she's provided the roof over the head.

No, the house is rented and they share the bills - she didn't take the poor mite in as a waif and stray.

I don't understand why the OP, her husband and her son (who is not spoilt) don't sit down, talk about options and come up with a timescale - perhaps mother and son see this setup continuing for years and before you know it there'll be 5 adults and a primary school child squeezed into a 3-bedroom house. As it's rented, would finding somewhere with a 4th bedroom be possible in the near future? Just sit down and agree on something!

[DeeCeeCherry]

Husband moved into OP's home, where she was living with her son. Their family home. They didnt move in with him. So she's provided the roof over the head.

Some posters speak as if Husband provided everything for them. He didn't.

The grandchild visits are the bare minimum, yet Husband can't even put up with that? He's not into family life, yet he married a Mother. It was always the case that grandchildren visits would very likely be on the cards sooner or later.

You'd think the grandchild was going to be living with he & OP 24/7 the way he's acting up.

What's OP supposed to do, see her grandchild outside the home? Should her son also not have his son around his family home? When Son leaves home what happens then, barely any visits as Husband doesn't want any baby noise around?

I don't know who mentioned getting a council flat but that's naive, and laughable in this day and age to actually think it's easy and will happen soon.

OP, welcome your grandchild into your home, until such time as your son can get his own place. He's in his family home, it's only fair.

If your Husband can't stand a baby being around he'll have to get noise cancelling earphones, won't he? I bet he won't though, he'll make you feel upset and awkward about having your grandchild around.

[Startingagainperson]

@EverdeRose I don’t agree as you are asking her husband to put his step sons’s ‘wants’ before his own needs. Husband has the priority as he is paying for the home his step son and baby live in. It’s nice to help someone if you can, but the son had a baby without making sure he has a home for that baby, and that responsibility is 100% on him.

[KurtWilde]

CokeDrinker is on a mad one on this thread. People have different opinions to you, get over it and stop with the melodramatics. Unless you're the DH ..

[Chillychangchoo]

@EverdeRose

Exactly. All these posters saying get a council flat are living in cloud cuckoo land. It took me absolutely years to get a council property and that was despite being in very overcrowded conditions, and on a priority band.

Okay it’s not ideal the young lad is a dad at 21 but he’s trying his best.

[aSofaNearYou]

Any reasonable, loving parent or step parent would want to support their children in providing a better life for their grandchild. They'd not want then living in a shitty council flat on the brink of poverty trying to study, giving up studying for minimum wage and no security or floundering on the dole.

Lots of parents don't have their young, grown up children live with them when they have children of their own. There are many people in this position living in council flats.

As for the step parenting angle, well, I wouldn't feel all that loving if my DW didn't feel the need to discuss the decision with me and was openly annoyed at me for having an opinion on it. A little consideration would go a long way.

[Crazymumz]

I agree with you. Its your son and grandchild and they should always be welcomed and supported even if your husband isn't happy with it.

[Rookw]

Your son needs to get his own place.

[EverdeRose]

@CokeDrinker do you have children? Do you like them?

A 21 year old whose at college, working and spends his remaining time caring for a 1 year old isn't spoiled, most lads his age would have run a mile from a pregnant gf. He's stood by his child and is trying his best to provide a life for them. He sounds like a young man to be proud of!

Any reasonable, loving parent or step parent would want to support their children in providing a better life for their grandchild. They'd not want then living in a shitty council flat on the brink of poverty trying to study, giving up studying for minimum wage and no security or floundering on the dole.

[EverdeRose]

I think that your DH is being really unreasonable.

Your DS goes to college, works and looks after his child. He's trying his best to give his child the best future possible. Your DH should be proud that his DSS is so responsible, he should be encouraging him instead of shitting all over him and trying yo force him out and into a really bad situation.

I'd be telling my DH that if he wasn't happy about DGC sleeping he could move out.

[JemimaJoy]

I understand your point but I'm on your husband's side, I'm afraid. He needs to get up for work. Your son needs to start growing up now he's a dad and find his own place!

[Chillychangchoo]

@CokeDrinker

You mentioned the put your marriage first theory for happier children but I’ve read extensively on that, and it’s more for younger children and their biological parents. It’s not a get out of jail card, never consider your kids theory.

A spoilt 21 year old, really? I knew plenty of spoiled 21 year fathers who weren’t even on the scene with their babies because they were too busy partying etc. Doesn’t sound like an accurate description of this young dad though.