I feel torn between husband & son

[Carmelle]

Hi,
I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or if he is!
I’m going to try and break this down to the point!
So I’m married (not to kids dad) got 3 teens now. My oldest sons 21 and still lives at home.
Last year son and his now ex had a baby. I love my grandson to death and as far as I’m concerned my son can have him here anytime he wants or needs.
But my husband is very aggy about it.
He said it’s not practical to have grandson overnight during the week as it disturbs his sleep and he has to get up early for work. He said non of us consider him and if son wants to see his son more he needs to get his own place. (I don’t agree)
Son and his ex want him to come alternate weekends and a night or 2 midweek on the weeks he’s not here at the weekend.
Iv just had to say no to my son having his son this week, because my husband said no.
I feel real shitty about it. We’ve already had so many arguments over this, so I’m trying to be sympathetic to my husband, but It’s not sitting right with me.
I don’t know if I’m being selfish,
Intolerant of my husband, or if he is being the selfish one!
In my head I think it would all be ok if husband wasn’t here.
Please help!

[Dipi79]

You are not being at all unreasonable and I commend you for supporting your son in trying to be there for his own child.

[MintMatchmaker]

If he’s up at 3am to do a physical job I’m not surprised he wants some unbroken sleep first!

[GreenSlide]

Your husband is willing to reduce your sons time with his own son just so his sleep isn't disturbed - doesn't seem like a very kind thing to do. The crying at night stage doesn't last that long. And I'd rather have my son and grandson home with me if they can't afford to rent somewhere decent. You don't want them in some damp mouldy shithole just because your husband doesn't want his sleep disturbed.

[HereLiveIAmNotACat]

Your husband is being a total knob and your son should be saving for his own place

[booksandnooks]

Me and DH both moved out as teenagers when I was pregnant with my first. So by the time I was your sons age I had been living alone for 4 or 5 years. But my DH worked when I met him and increased his hours to 60 when we were expecting so we could afford it. I'm a sahm and would have had to have lived with my parents if he left me. I think it depends if he can afford it then he should move out. If not then he needs to start saving up. Well actually, either way he needs to start saving now. His situation is hindering his relationship with his child and his parents at the moment so something needs to change.
He may seem too young but I had just passed 16 and was absolutely fine with a baby full time and a partner always at work. It was scary for about 2 days and then I just could not believe that I used to live with my parents.
It may just be the push he needs to be independent.
It is a positive thing if he is able to do it.

Does the mother live with her parents? If she does then you may have a 'but exgf lives with her parents so they must love my baby more than you do' complaint but this is not true at all. Parents are responsible for their children and blurring the lines between parent and grandparent can weaken the bond between a child and their parent. It can also get more complicated when the baby is older and your son has different ideas than you and your husband with regards to parenting.

[Miasicarisatia]

This sounds like a difficult situation with no mutually acceptable compromise to be made

[Januaryissodull]

Personally I think that your husband is being unreasonable.

Your son is still quite young and the baby is your grandchild. So I can completely understand why you would want to support them.

I suspect that if this was your daughter you'd be getting very different responses.

[Gilly12345]

If your son is mature enough to father a child then your son is mature enough to move out and start being responsible for his actions and start by pulling up his big boy pants and sort out his life.

[Hankunamatata]

Any chance your husbands really tired. Mine gets up early too. Want to unwind before his early bed but of course we have our kids bouncing about.

[Scottishskifun]

@Carmelle your husbands potential response to earplugs makes him sound like a man child. The fact that your DS doesn't wake that much either sounds more like your husband is being selfish and would find any reason for your GC not to stay over mid week!

Yes your son is responsible but he also needs to get through college. Your husband sounds like he's throwing his toys out of the pram as he's not centre of focus!
Tell him to grow up!

[Lovemusic33]

All the people saying “he needs to find his own place”....do you realise how much it costs for a single person to live alone? I’m guessing he’s paying child support which would take a big chunk of any earnings, so to rent a property and pay all bills as well as support a child is pretty impossible unless he’s earning really good money?

I feel for you OP as you seem to want to support your ds and have contact with your grandchild but your dh does not. I can see his point with being woken up by a small child if he has to get up for work. Maybe compromise with both of them and just have you grandson stay over at the weekends but allow him over for a few hours durning the week?

[NailsNeedDoing]

Your husband has a right to undisturbed sleep in his own home.

Try and compromise on only having the baby to stay once a week, at the weekends. If your son and his ex want more than that, then they will have to work out a way of it happening somewhere else.

[Jarstastic]

Does your husband mind if GS stays at the weekends? I got the impression from your post that maybe he just has an issue during the week.

[TatianaBis]

I’m with your DH.

Way too many people in a small place. 3 teens, 3 bedrooms. So 2 must be sharing. Son and baby goes in the dining room.

Your son might have thought all this through before he had a baby.

If he can’t afford his own place he needs to find a room in a shared place. He might be able to find lodgings somewhere someone doesn’t mind a baby around.

[candle18]

I would be angry with DH about this. I know people are saying your son should move out but it’s maybe not that easy. As long as your son is looking after his child when he’s there and not expecting you to do it then he should be welcome. What if it was your daughter, would DH want her not to have her baby in the house? Would he feel the same if it was his son?
I have a 21 yr old son and if in the same situation I would be happy that he (and I) were seeing his child so much.

[SomebodyThatIUsedToKnow3]

@ForgedInFire

Depending on the area you live in and sons income it could be next to impossible for him to rent somewhere appropriate to bring the baby. I would hate to put him in a situation where he couldn't have that time, yes he is an adult but a fairly young one. I think your husband is being unreasonable and it's sad that it doesn't sound like he considers the child to be his grandchild.

This. For me it would be really important to facilitate DS to be a father who does his share, to have time with his DC and not just leave it to his Ex to raise their child. If he can't afford to move out him having DC at our home would be the next best option.

In terms of disturbing your DP sleep, is there some way to rearrange the rooms so the baby and DP will be at different ends of the house and it'll be a bit quieter for him? Could he have a fan or white noise in his room to reduce the sound. Being cynical here, in my experience my DH learnt to sleep through it pretty quick. Your DP might find he gets used to it and sleeps through. Meanwhile I'd be trying to reduce the noise that impacts on him.

[HoldontoOneMoreDay]

The absolute best thing you can do is to support your son to be a good dad. He's living in your home, so you have to support him in being a good dad in your home. If he's working and studying then he's gathering the tools he needs to be a good dad AND move out, but that's going to take a little time given he also has a son to support financially.

I would however have a really good talk to DH about this and try as hard as possible to take his concerns on board. If the baby keeps him awake at night, is there a way to make this easier - like changing rooms around, ear plugs, DS and baby sleeping downstairs (safely, obviously). If that's not going to help is it worth looking at when the baby stays over, eg could DS do a Friday and Saturday so DP isn't getting up for work the next day? And I do agree you're probably doing more of the care than you want...

If your DP doesn't have any children of his own (you don't mention that he does) he is probably irked by how intrusive a baby is - and I have to say I totally get that. So it's about DS and DP working together to make that easier on the whole house.

[cherry2727]

Mumsnet definitely isn't a true reflection of reality!! What awful responses! I'm early 30s and only one of my friends had moved out by 21!!! All my other friends were still residing at home at this age ! It must be quite expensive for a 21 year old to move out especially if he isn't earning a very attractive salary ! I applaud your son for wanting to take on his responsibility of being a dad op! Had it been his ex posting on here about this we'd hear a completely different response !
Your dh needs to accept that your son needs support and if he is to continue to live with you you need to also welcome his son- Your grandson! He's already made poor judgment by conceiving a child when he wasn't in a position to raise one the last thing you need is to teach him that it's ok to walk away from such responsibilities! The baby will get older soon and have a better sleeping pattern and less noisy . In the mean time you need to have a word with your son about the sacrifices you and the family has had to make to support him. This will educate him on the importance of using sound judgment when making decisions! Sometimes silly decisions affect a wider group !
The entire family including your dh will just have to suck it up - it's what family do!

[AIMD]

I can see why you’re upset. In your shoes I wouldn’t want to tell my son his child couldn’t stay at my house either. I’d much prefer for a 21 year old to stay at home until they were more financially able to live independently and help them gain long term security. Presuming the son was working towards that and not just at home doing nothing.

Seeing at he only stays in the week every other week for 1-2 nights it seems a bit OTT that your OH is making a big deal out of it.

Are there other things he has issues with in the household? How was his relationship with your son prebaby?

Have you told him how important allowing your grandchild to stay is to you (not to mention your son).

[Joeblack066]

It's still not his grandchild. My DF doesn't really class his step-daughter's children to be his grandkids, and I doubt i'd class my step-mother as a grandmother to mine.
I class my ech wife as a grandmother to my grandchildren as does the whole family. And she was the co-respondent in the divorce!
My Dd dgf was a step grandad and no two could have been closer.
It is sad when blended families don’t blend. Someone always loses out.

[Januaryissodull]

I wonder if all of those people saying the son is old enough to have his own place if he's old enough to have a baby, I wonder if they have never ever had a helping hand off anyone in life during a time in their life.

Plenty of people end up, for whatever reason, having a child before they're financially or emotionally ready.

In an ideal world we would all do everything completely perfect, but real life doesn't always work out as such.

Years ago it would have been easier for people to get housing, at a younger age, whether through council properties or cheaper rents and house prices. It's not possible these days.

[Holly60]

Your DH is trying to make you choose between him and your son. Nasty. Im still married to my DCs father (lucky him) but if he ever tried to get me to choose between him and my children he would be out on his ear (and he knows it ) and yes my DCs are adults. Your children never stop being your children.

[Staffy1]

The baby won't be a baby forever. I think your husband could be a bit more accommodating. It might count against your son if he has to say no to having the baby if the mother ever decides to go for full custody.

[GreenTeaPingPong]

The most important thing is that your grandchild continues to have a real relationship with his father, so I think you should do whatever you can to support that (although it's your DS who has responsibility for his child, not you).
If it's really not possible for him to get his own place, then can you encourage your DH and your DS to sit down and work out a compromise, e.g. only have DS overnight when your DH isn't working the next morning, on days when he is working the next day then can DS see his DS during the day only?

[SomebodyThatIUsedToKnow3]

Has anyone checked if DS would be eligible for UC if he moves out? I'm guessing given your housing situation that you can't afford to pay part of his accommodation costs. Does the place he's studying have discounted accommodation for students? My University had a couple of family rooms available in student accommodation and cheaper child care for students who were young parents or mature age students.