I feel torn between husband & son

[Carmelle]

Hi,
I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or if he is!
I’m going to try and break this down to the point!
So I’m married (not to kids dad) got 3 teens now. My oldest sons 21 and still lives at home.
Last year son and his now ex had a baby. I love my grandson to death and as far as I’m concerned my son can have him here anytime he wants or needs.
But my husband is very aggy about it.
He said it’s not practical to have grandson overnight during the week as it disturbs his sleep and he has to get up early for work. He said non of us consider him and if son wants to see his son more he needs to get his own place. (I don’t agree)
Son and his ex want him to come alternate weekends and a night or 2 midweek on the weeks he’s not here at the weekend.
Iv just had to say no to my son having his son this week, because my husband said no.
I feel real shitty about it. We’ve already had so many arguments over this, so I’m trying to be sympathetic to my husband, but It’s not sitting right with me.
I don’t know if I’m being selfish,
Intolerant of my husband, or if he is being the selfish one!
In my head I think it would all be ok if husband wasn’t here.
Please help!

[EL8888]

I wouldn’t be thrilled by it either, the noise and the mess eugh. If he’s old enough to procreate, then he’s old enough to properly pay his own way. 21 is hardly young

[Mummytemping]

@Springsnake

Totally disagree with all the posters above ,my children’s children will always be welcome in my home .
It’s not that easy at 21 to just move out
Better to stay out and save for a morgage
My husband would never complain about any grandchildren staying over ,but that’s because they are his children
I think your husband is totally unreasonable

Agree

[KurtWilde]

I'd have been screwed when I had my eldest at 20 if I hadn't been able to live at home until I could afford my own place. I also moved back there with 2 DC in tow when my relationship broke down and I needed to get back on my feet. Thank god I'm not related to some of the posters on this thread.

I think your DH is being massively unreasonable and your DS sounds like he's doing his best to have ample time with his baby. Good for you to facilitate that.

[BittyBatHats]

I'm with the DH. He didn't choose to have this baby. Why should be disturbed. It's a small house for that many people and as the baby becomes a toddler their will be even more toys etc everywhere. If the OP doesn't compromise and they end up splitting she plus 2 teens, 1 man and a toddler are going to be squashed into an even smaller place.

[UserAtRandom]

Noise aside there is now 3 adults, 2 teens and a baby in a 3 bedroom house. That's got to be hard for everyone. What do your other children think about it? You've not mentioned this at all, but I imagine it must be difficult for them as well.

I'm finding it quite interesting that OP initially described her 21 year old as a teen. Suggests that she's mentally thinking of him as younger than he actually is.

[CrazyHorse]

I think your DH is being unreasonable. If you have three teens in the house how can a baby be so disruptive? Your DH needs to suck it up, it's not ever night.

[MadMadMadamMim]

I'm on your DH side. I have 20 something DC, no DGC.

I would not want dgc, particularly babies, overnight in the week. I work long hours and my days of juggling that with broken night's sleep from babies are long gone.

What was doable (just) in my 20s and 30s with my own children is not doable now in my 50s, frankly.

Agree with those that say if he's old enough to be a father he should not be living with his mum.

[Maddison12]

@ludothedog

I will always choose my adult kids and grandchildren over any man, married to him or not. Easy.

This^

Can't believe so many are saying it's time he got his own place. He's only working part time and what if he ended up somewhere awful? OP I think your husband is being very unreasonable, surely he doesn't expect you to never have your gc overnight?

[gingergiraffe]

I think in your situation op I would do exactly as you are trying to do, but my husband would be supportive. It will not be forever, just until your son has finished college and is able to work full time and get his own place. However, I think you and your son need to look at other possible solutions. No good just saying he cannot afford his own place. Have either of you actually looked at ways he could find his own place to live? There are solutions out there if you look. I am not able to give advice but you need to research organisations that could help. Hopefully someone will come along on here with options.

[SundayBloodySunday]

"Totally disagree with all the posters above ,my children’s children will always be welcome in my home .
It’s not that easy at 21 to just move out
Better to stay out and save for a morgage
My husband would never complain about any grandchildren staying over ,but that’s because they are his children
I think your husband is totally unreasonable"

This

[howmanynames]

I agree your husband is being totally unreasonable.

[Miasicarisatia]

I'm finding it quite interesting that OP initially described her 21 year old as a teen. Suggests that she's mentally thinking of him as younger than he actually is
I agree and I feel very sorry for young adults these days, few can afford to fledge and that leaves them trapped in the limbo between childhood and adulthood

[lilyj13]

Why on earth you you have a child when you didn't have your own home?
I 100 percent agree with your husband, Imagine being woken up when you have with the next day and not having your own space.
Yes he's your grandson and it's lovely you see and I doubt this is because he's not his "real grandson" it's easy to say this but when you have kids and they grow up and have kids it's now time to enjoy life not relive it!!!

[Wallywobbles]

I'm really looking forward to having grandkids. But not until my kids leave home first. What's your sons longer term plan? How long is this current situation going to go on for?

[Mummyoflittledragon]

I can see both sides to this. Your dh needs sleep to be able to work. He’s not a young man anymore, I imagine. My dh is definitely feeling his age and gets a lot more tired than he used to a decade ago. Otoh, you have a ds, who is being responsible with his son. If it’s one night a week, can they be at opposite sides of the house if it would make a difference to the noise?

[Ooopsi]

I’m really shocked at some of these comments!

21 is young to afford a place ! Flipping hell we see loads of posts on here of much older adults struggling ! Yes baby’s make noises ect OP I think your husband needs to be empathic he married you, therefore you should be a team does he not see the baby as his grandchild then? It sounds like your a really good mum btw! Please don’t think you’re being unreasonable have your grandchild stay! That’s your baby’s baby! X

[Mummyoflittledragon]

*I mean one night during the working part of the week...

[tolerable]

is posssible ex his happy bout overnughts because he with you-even if son does care .your there.
is dad object to weeknught AND weekends.is baby cry alot?

[WiseUpJanetWeiss]

Thing is, OP, you will have to make some kind of choice. You’re trying to impose an unacceptable change on your DH and he’s trying to impose unacceptable conditions on you.

If my DSS wanted to live here (rather than visit frequently) beyond his teens this would be unacceptable to me. If my DS got divorced and wanted to live here with my DGS I expect this would be unacceptable to my DH. If either of these scenarios came to pass we would have to sell up and buy two smaller places, or downsize and give our respective sons some of their inheritance early to set them up.

Your choice is whether to live separately, to split up, or to find some other solution for your DS. You can’t have it all your own way and expect your DH to lump it.

[Maggiesfarm]

Pity he's not bin a granddad.

You say it would be better if your husband moved out. Do you not want him any more, is your marriage at an end?

I understand how he feels and also how you feel.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

When does DS finish college? He’s got a child to support, maybe he needs to prioritise full time paid work so he can pay his ex child support and fund his own accommodation.

[Cherrysoup]

This would drive me nuts. Your ds is already using the dining room as a bedroom, so you’re overcrowded already. Adding in your dgs is adding to the strain and no doubt the baby is impacting on your evening time, so I bet your dh is well fed up. Everyone is impacted with the baby being the focus, as is normal. There’s no easy solution given your ds isn’t yet self sufficient, but I completely see why your dh is going crazy, baby days are over for him.

[Jarstastic]

Seems DH took on a 9 year old and 2 younger siblings now 12 years later he’s got a baby in the house, no dining room and supports them by working as a bin man waking at 3am. He also seems not to have too much of an issue with weekends, only weeknights.

[Embracingthechaos]

When does your son finish his studies? And does he have a plan lined up of exactly what he's going to do?

If he's in his final year and he's got a career lined up for when he's finished then he should be able to move out fairly quickly after that. Perhaps if you have a proper plan in place with an estimated end date, your DH will find it easier to deal with.

[Beautiful3]

I agree with your husband, sorry. He needs his sleep for work in the week, hes happy to have g child over at weekends. That's perfectly fine. If your son wants to have his child more, then he needs his own place to do so.