I feel torn between husband & son

[Carmelle]

Hi,
I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or if he is!
I’m going to try and break this down to the point!
So I’m married (not to kids dad) got 3 teens now. My oldest sons 21 and still lives at home.
Last year son and his now ex had a baby. I love my grandson to death and as far as I’m concerned my son can have him here anytime he wants or needs.
But my husband is very aggy about it.
He said it’s not practical to have grandson overnight during the week as it disturbs his sleep and he has to get up early for work. He said non of us consider him and if son wants to see his son more he needs to get his own place. (I don’t agree)
Son and his ex want him to come alternate weekends and a night or 2 midweek on the weeks he’s not here at the weekend.
Iv just had to say no to my son having his son this week, because my husband said no.
I feel real shitty about it. We’ve already had so many arguments over this, so I’m trying to be sympathetic to my husband, but It’s not sitting right with me.
I don’t know if I’m being selfish,
Intolerant of my husband, or if he is being the selfish one!
In my head I think it would all be ok if husband wasn’t here.
Please help!

[UpTheJunktion]

Ideally your Ds will plan for independence in due course. In the meantime, to ban his child from the house is shocking, and will damage his parenting cooperation with his ex and his relationship with the child.

Fair enough for your H to suggest that this is not a long term solution, but to effectively make it impossible for you son to have his child? Nasty.

[Holly60]

I never understand people saying ‘Oh your DC is an adult now he can fend for himself’. As if there is a major cut off point where parents just stop caring about their children. If there is it hasn’t happened to me yet and my DCs are in their thirties with families of their own

[Holly60]

*magic cut off point

[YorkiePanda]

I can see both sides of this to be honest. I think some compromise might be needed on both sides. Some people don’t cope well with disturbed sleep - I’m one of those people. I have a job that needs a lot of focus and concentration. I wouldn’t cope with little ones and disturbed sleep nowadays, different when I was younger and had a different job. On the other hand I see why you’d want to facilitate the extra contact as well. Could the weeknight be reduced to 1-2 nights a month rather than 2 nights every other week? Could DGS stay on a Friday evening rather than mid week? I don’t know whether the EOWs are just Sat-Sun or if possible to extend by having him Fri-Sun?

It’s a tricky one as I really don’t think either side is completely BU.

[toocold54]

I can see where you’re both coming from.

For now there needs to be a compromise - son only has child overnight on a weekend so your DH isn’t disturbed.

He could have the child during the week too but just not overnight until he gets his own place sorted. I’m sure the baby’s mum would be understanding that he can’t have the baby overnight during the week.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

21 isn’t that old but he still chose to become a father while working pt and now living in overcrowded accommodation with his mum.

[RachelRaven]

@Holly60

I never understand people saying ‘Oh your DC is an adult now he can fend for himself’. As if there is a major cut off point where parents just stop caring about their children. If there is it hasn’t happened to me yet and my DCs are in their thirties with families of their own

It isnt just about being an adult. In this case he has his own child. If you're an adult with a child of your own, you should be able to at least house yourself.

[EloiseTheFirst]

@ludothedog

I will always choose my adult kids and grandchildren over any man, married to him or not. Easy.

Exactly this. Me too.

[ScottishMummy12]

Could you add soundproofing to you sons room or your bedroom? We soundproofed my eldest room before her sister was born as she has asd and doesn't react well to a screaming baby. It has worked really well and she has never heard a sound from the baby.

[booksandnooks]

@Januaryissodull

Personally I think that your husband is being unreasonable.

Your son is still quite young and the baby is your grandchild. So I can completely understand why you would want to support them.

I suspect that if this was your daughter you'd be getting very different responses.

If it was her daughter then the baby would be there more than a few nights a week.

[UseMyName]

TBH my partner doesn’t get up in the night for his own children so I can imagine he would be exactly the same as OP’s OH if any of them had children here, luckily he can sleep far enough away from the rest of us that he doesn’t get disturbed which isn’t the situation with OP, I’m not saying don’t support the son/GS just overnights are not an option.

[EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall]

I wouldn't let anyone tell me my gs couldn't stay at my house. What would have happened if you had a daughter who had a baby and not a son? Would he have made her move out?

[EmeraldShamrock]

It's tricky and totally understandable you'd like DS to be comfortable at home with his DS.
Most 21 y.o couldn't afford to rent these days.
Do you have room and money for an outdoor cabin DS can move in too.
Lots of people are doing it now with older DC?

[KurtWilde]

@ludothedog

I will always choose my adult kids and grandchildren over any man, married to him or not. Easy.

100% this.

[Haffiana]

I guess some people's definition of family and parenthood depends on age. After a certain age it all changes, eh? Children can fuck off because old now, so no more support. How awful and sad.

In my family it depends on - family. I will always be there for my DC. Always and forever.

I am SO glad I am not related to some of you who have posted.

[Fireflygal]

Op, your DH's feelings should be taken into account. If the genders were reversed I think people would have sympathy for the woman.

Sleep is really important for health so if your Dh's sleep is disturbed then that is an issue.

I also see why you want to support your son and gs. I would be the same but the reality is you have little space and that adds stress to a living situation.

Does your son contribute to the household?

I think you need to be empathic to your daughter and try to find a compromise

[Holly60]

@RachelRaven I think my point is more that from a mother’s perspective you never stop wanting to help your children regardless of their age or circumstances. Yes ideally you want your adult children to be independent but in reality if your child needs you, you help them, no matter what age they are. I always knew I could rely on my parents to be there if I needed them, and even as an adult that was so comforting, and my kids know they have the same unconditional love from me and their dad.

[TokenGinger]

I'm with you, OP. I'm 31 and I know I could pack my bags tomorrow and rock up at my mum's with my son for as long as I want and not a word would be said. My mum is very much of the camp that her home will always be our home. She loves my son more than she loves me! She'd never turn her grandson away from her house.

Your son is young, just 21. I don't agree with the sentiment that if he's old enough to be a dad, he's old enough to leave home. For whatever reason, planned or not, they've found themselves with a child at a young age and the reality is, he won't be earning by that age a salary good enough to fund his own place. The reality is that this is the situation he and your family have found themselves in and there's very little way around it.

I actually find it quite upsetting that your husband is able to dictate when your son can or cannot see his own child. I love my son so much. I imagine living away from him would be so hard, then to have somebody else manage my time with him would be awful.

You sound like a lovely mum and nana.

[cherry2727]

*@RachelRaven *

It isnt just about being an adult. In this case he has his own child. If you're an adult with a child of your own, you should be able to at least house yourse

Its not that simple ! He's a young adult who made a silly decision in a time when he wasn't prepared! Unfortunately it's not something he can undo but he can learn from it and try to make the situation better for all parties! Kicking him out when he clearly can't fend for himself let alone be able to be a good father will be disastrous and bad parenting !

There are some good advise here for compromise between op's son and her dh . Id continue to support him and ensure he gets himself a good job whereby he can independently secure a home for him and his son. Help him build a strong foundation op- don't kick him out of if he isn't ready !

[cherry2727]

*@TokenGinger *

I'm with you, OP. I'm 31 and I know I could pack my bags tomorrow and rock up at my mum's with my son for as long as I want and not a word would be said. My mum is very much of the camp that her home will always be our home. She loves my son more than she loves me! She'd never turn her grandson away from her house


Me too!!!!!!!!

[Saltyslug]

He’s only 21, of course he’s welcome to live with you. It’s not like he’s 41! You should be able to have your DGC over and not worry, your DH should be able to do the same when he has grandchildren.

[Saltyslug]

The best you can do is support your son to build a career or trade.

[Brigleylake]

Your son needs to step up the responsibility and get his own place.

[penfold2020]

It's your son and your grandson. It's nigh impossible for young adults to get on the housing ladder these days and I'd say totally impossible at 21. As if you'd do anything to make it harder for your son to see his son. That's crazy talk! Your dh is being totally unreasonable.

[rhnireland205]

My parents wanted to be helpful when my brother became a dad at 23 in similar circumstances. Honestly it hasn't helped him at all. He needed to grow up and parent and instead he has simply been disney dad with my mum taking care of everything in the background.

If your son needs you to do this for him then I'd agree to weekend nights only and I woudn't be helping him by doing the night feeds or letting him lie in on a regular basis.