I feel torn between husband & son

[Carmelle]

Hi,
I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or if he is!
I’m going to try and break this down to the point!
So I’m married (not to kids dad) got 3 teens now. My oldest sons 21 and still lives at home.
Last year son and his now ex had a baby. I love my grandson to death and as far as I’m concerned my son can have him here anytime he wants or needs.
But my husband is very aggy about it.
He said it’s not practical to have grandson overnight during the week as it disturbs his sleep and he has to get up early for work. He said non of us consider him and if son wants to see his son more he needs to get his own place. (I don’t agree)
Son and his ex want him to come alternate weekends and a night or 2 midweek on the weeks he’s not here at the weekend.
Iv just had to say no to my son having his son this week, because my husband said no.
I feel real shitty about it. We’ve already had so many arguments over this, so I’m trying to be sympathetic to my husband, but It’s not sitting right with me.
I don’t know if I’m being selfish,
Intolerant of my husband, or if he is being the selfish one!
In my head I think it would all be ok if husband wasn’t here.

Please help!

OP, are congratulations in order as you have made it into the "swearwords" Daily Mail online?

Now for the important stuff, you have had pages and pages of people basically telling you one of two things: either you are being unreasonable, or your DH is.

My question is:
Could you and your DH come up with about £30 a week, and pay for either your DS and his DS, to stay one night a week at a Premier Inn or Travel lodge, or, at your DH preference, your DH to stay one night a week at the cheap hotel?

We always stay at a Premier Inn when we are travelling and they are fine, clean and comfortable.
If I were your DH I would jump at the chance of a weekly peaceful night!
If your husband goes, he could have an early dinner with you first (or have takeaway fish and chips in his room at the hotel), and take a packed breakfast to have at 3.00am, with a nice little treat in it for him to look forward to.

Please give my suggestion some serious thought, as if you can scrape the money together, I think it could be a good solution. Good luck, and warm wishes to you all, that you get something sorted out, that doesn't leave anyone feeling upset.

I agree with you. It’s your grandchild and your son is being an Arse. If it were his grandchild would he still say no?!

*your husband - not son

@Dothepropeller21 presumably your mother discussed providing your childcare with her husband and they both agreed to it? I doubt it’s to do with OPs husband not being biologically related to the baby - my parents certainly wouldn’t have done it for my children, their child rearing days are over and have been well earned!

It’s not indicative of how much they love their grandchildren or me, they just have their own lives and jobs.

It’s not unreasonable for the OPs husband to choose not to facilitate his stepsons parental responsibilities in his own house no matter how you look at it.

I assume the baby’s mother and her parents have their own agreements in place between themselves.

I feel awful for OPs husband here being made out to such an awful human being for not being willing to suffer the consequences of someone’s else’s actions.

@EmeraldShamrock

You'll work it out, it was DS home before DH came on the scene, might be worth reminding DH how he was welcomed into the home and now he is making things awkward for DS and his DS. Not nice.

Congratulations on DGS the poor mite suffering with eczema and a moany step gran-dad.

DH might well point out that since he moved in he has provided a substantial financial contribution to keeping the household going and (presumably) also helped with childcare and housework.

What exactly is DS contributing?

Really wouldn't use this line of argument!

She is 19.

OP you're in the middle, you are mollycoddling a spoiled 21 year old who doesn't seem to care one iota that he is inconveniencing everyone else. He has manipulated you around his finger and you are letting him and could lose your marriage and home over it. And I bet you your kid doesn't care less. And your husband is the only one here who has done nothing wrong and is being treated like he is the inconvenience.
I've read this many times from therapists but sometimes you need to "put your marriage first, in order to parent better".

Why didn't he and the mother come up with some type of solution by now?

And have you given any thought to having the GS over during the day, instead of the night?

First line was meant to say you're not in the middle.

@EmeraldShamrock

You'll work it out, it was DS home before DH came on the scene, might be worth reminding DH how he was welcomed into the home and now he is making things awkward for DS and his DS. Not nice.

Congratulations on DGS the poor mite suffering with eczema and a moany step gran-dad.

@EmeraldShamrock Wow, that is unbelievably cruel as well as abusive.

Picture this;

a woman moves in with her partner and his 3 daughters. They get married, and years later, because she isn't happy with her sleep being disturbed by a screaming baby 2 nights every week, she is told to know her place, reminded that it's not really her home, despite her MARRYING him, working full time, and bringing an income into the family. It is reinforced that she is a stranger in her own home and she doesn't belong here.

Everyone on AIBU would be telling her to LTB. And we all know it.

They are MARRIED. It is every bit DH's home as it is hers.

The only one who is making anything awkward is the selfish spoiled brat of a son who is tearing the family apart and probably secretly enjoying all the power he has.

Jesus, cokedrinker you seem to be on a very emphatic mission here.

There are people who validly hold a different opinion on this. I for one see no evidence of a spoiled 21 year old wrapping people around his finger and not caring who he inconveniences. I think that is very probably assumption and projection on your part.

I don't think the OP can be in any doubt as to your opinion, you have made it very clear on here.

DS doesn't sound spoiled and like that DS could have kicked off about him when they were dating and he would never have been the husband.
I assume from OP that her DC welcomed this man.
A bit if consideration now the shoes on the other foot.

@CokeDrinker

You mentioned the put your marriage first theory for happier children but I’ve read extensively on that, and it’s more for younger children and their biological parents. It’s not a get out of jail card, never consider your kids theory.

A spoilt 21 year old, really? I knew plenty of spoiled 21 year fathers who weren’t even on the scene with their babies because they were too busy partying etc. Doesn’t sound like an accurate description of this young dad though.

I understand your point but I'm on your husband's side, I'm afraid. He needs to get up for work. Your son needs to start growing up now he's a dad and find his own place!

I think that your DH is being really unreasonable.

Your DS goes to college, works and looks after his child. He's trying his best to give his child the best future possible. Your DH should be proud that his DSS is so responsible, he should be encouraging him instead of shitting all over him and trying yo force him out and into a really bad situation.

I'd be telling my DH that if he wasn't happy about DGC sleeping he could move out.

@CokeDrinker do you have children? Do you like them?

A 21 year old whose at college, working and spends his remaining time caring for a 1 year old isn't spoiled, most lads his age would have run a mile from a pregnant gf. He's stood by his child and is trying his best to provide a life for them. He sounds like a young man to be proud of!

Any reasonable, loving parent or step parent would want to support their children in providing a better life for their grandchild. They'd not want then living in a shitty council flat on the brink of poverty trying to study, giving up studying for minimum wage and no security or floundering on the dole.

Your son needs to get his own place.

I agree with you. Its your son and grandchild and they should always be welcomed and supported even if your husband isn't happy with it.

Any reasonable, loving parent or step parent would want to support their children in providing a better life for their grandchild. They'd not want then living in a shitty council flat on the brink of poverty trying to study, giving up studying for minimum wage and no security or floundering on the dole.

Lots of parents don't have their young, grown up children live with them when they have children of their own. There are many people in this position living in council flats.

As for the step parenting angle, well, I wouldn't feel all that loving if my DW didn't feel the need to discuss the decision with me and was openly annoyed at me for having an opinion on it. A little consideration would go a long way.

@EverdeRose

Exactly. All these posters saying get a council flat are living in cloud cuckoo land. It took me absolutely years to get a council property and that was despite being in very overcrowded conditions, and on a priority band.

Okay it’s not ideal the young lad is a dad at 21 but he’s trying his best.

CokeDrinker is on a mad one on this thread. People have different opinions to you, get over it and stop with the melodramatics. Unless you're the DH ..

@EverdeRose I don’t agree as you are asking her husband to put his step sons’s ‘wants’ before his own needs. Husband has the priority as he is paying for the home his step son and baby live in. It’s nice to help someone if you can, but the son had a baby without making sure he has a home for that baby, and that responsibility is 100% on him.

Husband moved into OP's home, where she was living with her son. Their family home. They didnt move in with him. So she's provided the roof over the head.

Some posters speak as if Husband provided everything for them. He didn't.

The grandchild visits are the bare minimum, yet Husband can't even put up with that? He's not into family life, yet he married a Mother. It was always the case that grandchildren visits would very likely be on the cards sooner or later.

You'd think the grandchild was going to be living with he & OP 24/7 the way he's acting up.

What's OP supposed to do, see her grandchild outside the home? Should her son also not have his son around his family home? When Son leaves home what happens then, barely any visits as Husband doesn't want any baby noise around?

I don't know who mentioned getting a council flat but that's naive, and laughable in this day and age to actually think it's easy and will happen soon.

OP, welcome your grandchild into your home, until such time as your son can get his own place. He's in his family home, it's only fair.

If your Husband can't stand a baby being around he'll have to get noise cancelling earphones, won't he? I bet he won't though, he'll make you feel upset and awkward about having your grandchild around.

To be honest if this was my husband I'd be really cross that he clearly doesn't see the children as his in any way and it would need a serious conversation.

He'd feel exactly the same about disturbed nights if they were his own flesh and blood.

Husband moved into OP's home, where she was living with her son. Their family home. They didnt move in with him. So she's provided the roof over the head.

No, the house is rented and they share the bills - she didn't take the poor mite in as a waif and stray.

I don't understand why the OP, her husband and her son (who is not spoilt) don't sit down, talk about options and come up with a timescale - perhaps mother and son see this setup continuing for years and before you know it there'll be 5 adults and a primary school child squeezed into a 3-bedroom house. As it's rented, would finding somewhere with a 4th bedroom be possible in the near future? Just sit down and agree on something!

Son and his ex want him to come alternate weekends and a night or 2 midweek on the weeks he’s not here at the weekend*

Danger - normal family life

OP needs to put her son and grandson first, end of.

Don’t abandon your son when he’s trying to be a good dad. You’ll regret it. Listen to your intuition and hopefully you’ll come to your senses.