I feel torn between husband & son

[Carmelle]

Hi,
I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or if he is!
I’m going to try and break this down to the point!
So I’m married (not to kids dad) got 3 teens now. My oldest sons 21 and still lives at home.
Last year son and his now ex had a baby. I love my grandson to death and as far as I’m concerned my son can have him here anytime he wants or needs.
But my husband is very aggy about it.
He said it’s not practical to have grandson overnight during the week as it disturbs his sleep and he has to get up early for work. He said non of us consider him and if son wants to see his son more he needs to get his own place. (I don’t agree)
Son and his ex want him to come alternate weekends and a night or 2 midweek on the weeks he’s not here at the weekend.
Iv just had to say no to my son having his son this week, because my husband said no.
I feel real shitty about it. We’ve already had so many arguments over this, so I’m trying to be sympathetic to my husband, but It’s not sitting right with me.
I don’t know if I’m being selfish,
Intolerant of my husband, or if he is being the selfish one!
In my head I think it would all be ok if husband wasn’t here.
Please help!

[SaltAndVinegarSandwiches]

I'm with you. At 21 he probably can't afford his own place. I would prefer he stays with me saves up for a deposit or trains for a well paidjob rather than moving out prematurely. Even when my DC are adults they'll still have my support and be welcome in my home.

[Bimblingaway]

@Chillychangchoo

OP needs to put her son and grandson first, end of.

Don’t abandon your son when he’s trying to be a good dad. You’ll regret it. Listen to your intuition and hopefully you’ll come to your senses.

Wow, quite dramatic. it’s hardly ‘abandoning her son’ by asking for weekend only overnight visits. There are other people to be considered in this scenario (I.e. her husband who presumably pays towards the upkeep of the home). A compromise needs to be made so that all are content.

[SonnyWinds]

Your son needs to move out. How would you feel if DH unilaterally moved a baby into your house? I assume he's not being cruel to the baby here - he just wants to be able to sleep before he has to go to work.

[Standrewsschool]

“ A compromise needs to be made so that all are content.”

The most sensible conclusion on this thread. I think it’s one of those situations whereby neither party is in the wrong - one wants his sleep and the other his son.

[Onlinedilema]

I don't think the I'm had answered my questions. Why doesn't your son have the child during the day and not have him sleep midweek when your husband has to get up for work?
Also you need to insist your son gets up straight away when ever his son is crying so that the disruption is minimal.

[HeartvsBrain]

Onlinedilema, obviously I can't answer for the OP (she hasn't answered my suggestion either, but I don't expect her to answer every bloomin' reply. My suggestion probably doesn't suit them, which is fine, I was just trying to rack my brains for a suggestion), but I can suggest that as OP has already told us that her son has a part-time job, and is at college, then he might not actually have any freely available weekdays - Do you think that that could be a possibility?

[Klh86]

Granted your son should start looking for his own place but circumstances may not allow that right now. The most important thing is he has a good relationship with his son and you your grandson. In the end that’s all that matters. I’m sure he doesn’t intend to live with you forever.

[DuckAndPancakes]

I forget how much this place is full of hissing snakes, until I get an email with a thread like this.

OP, your husband sounds like a twat.

[EmeraldShamrock]

@Carmelle I hope things will work out. Has there been any changes or compromise?

[bluebellsparklypants]

I do feel for you it must be a very hard position to be in. I’m in your favour, my children and grandchildren would always come 1st and I’d always make this clear from the start. I saw this with my mum & dad mum had 2kids before she meet my dad, and I always felt sorry for my mum having to choice and my dad was wrong to put this pressure on her

[eatsleepread]

I can see both sides, but feel your husband is being a bit cold. I think one night through the week and alternate weekends wouldn't be too much. Assuming the baby sleeps in your son's room and your son does the bulk of the care (with you and your husband still being free to do your own thing, if you so wish, on the access weekends).
I think it's going to be a bit shit if your son and grandchild don't feel welcome, and your husband's attitude now could end up affecting your relationship in time to come. He should tread gently here.
Good luck - there MUST be a compromise out there that would work for everyone.