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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to talk to his wife?

206 replies

awomensworkisneverdone · 02/04/2021 11:36

The wife of a man i was seeing has reached out to me after almost 10 years!!
Long story short, this man lied to me and to his wife. No idea this man was married.
Aibu to not want to be involved? I already had to deal with this. Its been 10 years. I don't feel its fair to be dragged back into this again. What good is this going to achieve?

OP posts:
Original poster
awomensworkisneverdone · 02/04/2021 11:37

Was not a relationship. I was seeing him a few weeks until I found out he was married.
No contact the second I found out.
Sorry should of mentioned that In opening post.

OP posts:
BluntlySpoken · 02/04/2021 11:38

Just say no thank you. I'm not wishing to drag up the past. Then block.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 02/04/2021 11:40

Have I understood this right - she just found out about the affair? I guess he wants you to reassure her that its over and has been for a long time. But thats not your job. Please dont feel obliged to engage.

usedandabusedx1000 · 02/04/2021 11:41

Yanbu if you don’t want to be involved! It depends what she’s after for me....if she wants some kind of reassurance about something that she’s been unable to put to bed, and my answers could help, I personally would be inclined to do so, but that’s me

I0NA · 02/04/2021 11:41

Why don’t you just tell her what you’ve said here ?

I know it’s hard for you because it’s a long time ago for you. But she might have just found out and be devastated.

Just a one paragraph email from you could help her.

DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 02/04/2021 11:44

If she's being hostile then I don't blame you for wanting to back off but if she's just asking questions to understand exactly what level of betrayal from her husband she's dealing with, I think it's cruel to not help her out. She'll never know if she will ever be able to trust her husband ever again - you're someone who can tell her the truth about what happened.

PrincessPea11 · 02/04/2021 11:45

What is it she wants, just to inform you or to ask what happened?

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 02/04/2021 11:45

I would not engage.

catmumandhumanmum · 02/04/2021 11:45

I think I would say, about being involved but stopped as you found out he was married, she obviously knows something but does she know if was an affair for sure and just needs confirmation.
If you know she knows everything then nothing else to say.

Original poster
awomensworkisneverdone · 02/04/2021 11:46

Nope this poor woman walked into the place we wer at. Saw us and left. He ran outside leaving me there.
Then of course it came out. She messaged me via Facebook same evening. Of course I apologised had no idea! He told me he was single and had been for some time, clearly wasn't.
That was it. Almost 10 years later so now friends with someone I know, and asked to talk with me.
She continued the relationship (not my business)
And that was it. So I thought.
He was much older than me, yes I was young and naieve. I just dont need this right now. I hadn't even thought of this until it was dragged back up almost a decade on.

OP posts:
DemobHappy · 02/04/2021 11:47

Block and ignore. It’s not your problem and there is nothing you can say that will mend her marriage.

catmumandhumanmum · 02/04/2021 11:48

Oh she's knows everything she needs to then, no need to respond.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 02/04/2021 11:48

Given your update, definitely don't engage. You apologised at the time, the affair is closed. It can do no good to drag this up further now.

I'd block her.

Umbivalent · 02/04/2021 11:49

You've dealt with it and moved on. She obviously hasn't.

As PPs say, just tell her you don't want to drag up the past.

Umbivalent · 02/04/2021 11:49

I would say that then block her.

3Britnee · 02/04/2021 11:50

She's already dragged it up again to your present. Just talk with her to put her mind at rest/answer her questions but tell her it will only be the once.

Tlollj · 02/04/2021 11:51

The above is all good advice but I know my curiosity would get the better of me. I’d have to see what she wanted.

LonginesPrime · 02/04/2021 11:58

You don't owe either of them anything.

Just ignore her and don't engage - he's used you enough already, the notion of one or both of them using you again to repair their marriage or 'get answers' or whatever is completely unreasonable and inappropriate, especially given this happened a decade ago.

user1471427614 · 02/04/2021 11:58

Please give her 5mins to answer her questions, it will really help her.

I think its a real shame that so many women are just saying block her. Let's hope you never find yourself in a similar situation. All she wants is closure

PicsInRed · 02/04/2021 11:58

You have no obligation to let her know what happened, however if you wanted to, I would give her the facts only, with a little kindness, but make clear you have no wish for any further involvement. For example:

Hi Wife,

I saw x for x weeks, between {date} and {date}.
I broke up with him as soon as I found out he was married, have had no contact with him since, and have no wish to have any further contact. I'm very sorry you're going through this and wish you the best.

Kindest regards,
OP

Original poster
awomensworkisneverdone · 02/04/2021 12:00

She recently asked a mutual friend to talk with me about what happened. I think after all this time I want no part in it.
Its something I wanted to forget, was something I actually did forget until the other day Hmm

OP posts:
LonginesPrime · 02/04/2021 12:01

I think its a real shame that so many women are just saying block her. Let's hope you never find yourself in a similar situation. All she wants is closure

But at a cost to the OP. She doesn't want to have to deal with this again, and there's no reason she should feel morally obligated to do so.

Yes, it's shit for the wife, but why should OP have to put herself out to clear up a cheating husband's mess?

GabsAlot · 02/04/2021 12:05

i would see what she wanted first-maybe he spun her a line all them years ago carried on cheating and she wants confirmation-you dont know what hes been saying

Original poster
awomensworkisneverdone · 02/04/2021 12:06

I really do understand the ones telling me to talk 5 mins with her.
But I done all this 10 years ago.
She continued to stay in the marriage for 10 years which of course is not my business, I assume they worked through it.
But what will be resolved of her talking with me all this time later??
I don't see how her husbands affair with the women sat opposite her will give any closure.
I'm trying not to be selfish.
But I have moved past this.

OP posts:
MarieIVanArkleStinks · 02/04/2021 12:08

I think its a real shame that so many women are just saying block her. Let's hope you never find yourself in a similar situation.

I think it's a real shame that it's always bloody women who are expected to be the support humans doing the emotional labour for everyone else.

This is on the woman's husband. She should be referred to the person who actually wholly bears the responsibility for this. If she can't trust him to tell the truth then this is an issue they need to work through: it has nothing to do with the OP.

Thoroughly tired of #BeKind expectations constantly being thrust upon women. OP wants no further involvement; she has a right to assert that boundary. And she's right to. Life's too short: just who needs this BS?