AIBU?
To not want to talk to his wife?
awomensworkisneverdone · 02/04/2021 11:36
The wife of a man i was seeing has reached out to me after almost 10 years!!
Long story short, this man lied to me and to his wife. No idea this man was married.
Aibu to not want to be involved? I already had to deal with this. Its been 10 years. I don't feel its fair to be dragged back into this again. What good is this going to achieve?
Am I being unreasonable?
AIBUYou have one vote. All votes are anonymous.
usedandabusedx1000 · 02/04/2021 11:41
Yanbu if you don’t want to be involved! It depends what she’s after for me....if she wants some kind of reassurance about something that she’s been unable to put to bed, and my answers could help, I personally would be inclined to do so, but that’s me
DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 02/04/2021 11:44
If she's being hostile then I don't blame you for wanting to back off but if she's just asking questions to understand exactly what level of betrayal from her husband she's dealing with, I think it's cruel to not help her out. She'll never know if she will ever be able to trust her husband ever again - you're someone who can tell her the truth about what happened.
awomensworkisneverdone · 02/04/2021 11:46
Nope this poor woman walked into the place we wer at. Saw us and left. He ran outside leaving me there.
Then of course it came out. She messaged me via Facebook same evening. Of course I apologised had no idea! He told me he was single and had been for some time, clearly wasn't.
That was it. Almost 10 years later so now friends with someone I know, and asked to talk with me.
She continued the relationship (not my business)
And that was it. So I thought.
He was much older than me, yes I was young and naieve. I just dont need this right now. I hadn't even thought of this until it was dragged back up almost a decade on.
LonginesPrime · 02/04/2021 11:58
You don't owe either of them anything.
Just ignore her and don't engage - he's used you enough already, the notion of one or both of them using you again to repair their marriage or 'get answers' or whatever is completely unreasonable and inappropriate, especially given this happened a decade ago.
PicsInRed · 02/04/2021 11:58
You have no obligation to let her know what happened, however if you wanted to, I would give her the facts only, with a little kindness, but make clear you have no wish for any further involvement. For example:
Hi Wife,
I saw x for x weeks, between {date} and {date}.
I broke up with him as soon as I found out he was married, have had no contact with him since, and have no wish to have any further contact. I'm very sorry you're going through this and wish you the best.
Kindest regards,
OP
LonginesPrime · 02/04/2021 12:01
I think its a real shame that so many women are just saying block her. Let's hope you never find yourself in a similar situation. All she wants is closure
But at a cost to the OP. She doesn't want to have to deal with this again, and there's no reason she should feel morally obligated to do so.
Yes, it's shit for the wife, but why should OP have to put herself out to clear up a cheating husband's mess?
awomensworkisneverdone · 02/04/2021 12:06
I really do understand the ones telling me to talk 5 mins with her.
But I done all this 10 years ago.
She continued to stay in the marriage for 10 years which of course is not my business, I assume they worked through it.
But what will be resolved of her talking with me all this time later??
I don't see how her husbands affair with the women sat opposite her will give any closure.
I'm trying not to be selfish.
But I have moved past this.
MarieIVanArkleStinks · 02/04/2021 12:08
I think its a real shame that so many women are just saying block her. Let's hope you never find yourself in a similar situation.
I think it's a real shame that it's always bloody women who are expected to be the support humans doing the emotional labour for everyone else.
This is on the woman's husband. She should be referred to the person who actually wholly bears the responsibility for this. If she can't trust him to tell the truth then this is an issue they need to work through: it has nothing to do with the OP.
Thoroughly tired of #BeKind expectations constantly being thrust upon women. OP wants no further involvement; she has a right to assert that boundary. And she's right to. Life's too short: just who needs this BS?
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.