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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to talk to his wife?

206 replies

awomensworkisneverdone · 02/04/2021 11:36

The wife of a man i was seeing has reached out to me after almost 10 years!!
Long story short, this man lied to me and to his wife. No idea this man was married.
Aibu to not want to be involved? I already had to deal with this. Its been 10 years. I don't feel its fair to be dragged back into this again. What good is this going to achieve?

OP posts:
iolaus · 02/04/2021 15:39

I wonder if she's heard he's been having a long running affair with a woman called 'Kate' and she knows the OP is also called 'Kate' (OP if your name is Kate I'm sorry) and is thinking the affair has been going for the past 10 years

Sceptre86 · 02/04/2021 15:40

You owe her nothing. You have your own life and moved on. She had the chance to do the same, she didn't. Did you give the details before? She has no right to dredge it all up again. Tell your friend you have no desire to talk about it again and the woman needs to back off. It isn't up to you to give her closure and if she hasn't found it in 10 years she needs to find her spine.

SpacePotato · 02/04/2021 15:40

Just block and ignore. As a PP said, you owe her nothing.

She knows you had sex with him. That's enough. What possible 'details' does she need ffs?

She knew he was a cheating arsehole and chose to stay. She knew enough. That's on her, not you.

Sceptre86 · 02/04/2021 15:41

She didn't have to continue her relationship that was her choice.

MrsMaizel · 02/04/2021 15:41

I'm actually a bit surprised @awomensworkisneverdone that you had to think about this to recall it ?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 02/04/2021 15:44

I get it i honestly do. But why now?

She may well have discovered he makes a habit of this - no offence but you were probably neither the first nor the last - and is finally trying to piece the timeline together

I agree with what you've said though; it's one thing if this had been recent and quite another 10 years later, and since you already told her the truth at the time it's really not your responsibility to get involved

The only thing I'd add is that if you do call her you'll probably get "Could you just ..." and "Yes but ...", so only you can decide if you want to go there

RedToothBrush · 02/04/2021 15:44

@yeOldeTrout

If you only dated him for a few weeks then he can't have been that important to you. You're unlikely to be very emotional about him, esp. after 10 yrs.

You've no obligation but it would be kind to meet & answer questions you're comfortable with.

Last few yrs I've helped a friend deal with her cheating stbxH. Friend has a lot of prejudices she was raised with about divorce being only for weak people and had lived with an illusion for many yrs that her marriage was incredibly strong. She also struggled to believe the same man she married did all this cheating. It gave her a lot of closure to reach out to the OWs, trying to make sense of how could she (friend) have been so blind.

Not your problem... but kind to help.

Fuck off with the kind shit.

Its a trope to batter women with.

LolaSmiles · 02/04/2021 15:45

You don't owe her details.
Her husband lies to a woman half his age and broke his vows to his wife. She chose to stay with him and remain with him for a decade. You're not responsible for papering over any cracks in their relationship.
Plus, nothing you say will be enough. If she is still hurting and still doesn't trust him then she is likely to keep probing and probing.

The message a PP mentioned was good. It's brief, confirms dates and draws a boundary.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 02/04/2021 15:49

I was told she needs to know how long it went on for ect ect...

She can ask him.

She trusted him enough to stop with him - surely she doesn't think he would lie about it (sarcasm)

Babygotblueyes · 02/04/2021 15:51

@isitsafetocomeoutyet - no one knows what the wife wants. It is perfectly acceptable to say you are not happy to go into details, dont want to rehash the past and dont want to have any more contact, but not a great stretch to find out first what the situation is. You are making a lot of assumptions.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 02/04/2021 15:55

If you MUST contact her - tell her you can't recall - he really wasn't that memorable either as a person or a lover, and your main emotions are of embarrassment that you allowed yourself to be taken in and anger at him for lying to you.

ElspethFlashman · 02/04/2021 15:56

"Details"

"Face to Face"

Sounds absolutely tortuous.

Considering you told her all the "details" 10 years ago, this is wildly inappropriate of her.

She sounds a bit unhinged but then living with the shit of the earth for a decade will do that to you.

ElspethFlashman · 02/04/2021 15:58

And why are people saying to send her a message??!

She doesn't have her number!

A "FUCK NO!" to the old friend would be perfectly adequate.

Old Friend could phrase that however she likes. After all, she's the one who's choosing this new friendship for some reason.

isitsafetocomeoutyet · 02/04/2021 16:04

[quote Babygotblueyes]@isitsafetocomeoutyet - no one knows what the wife wants. It is perfectly acceptable to say you are not happy to go into details, dont want to rehash the past and dont want to have any more contact, but not a great stretch to find out first what the situation is. You are making a lot of assumptions.[/quote]

@Babygotblueyes she wants 'details' and as the op has already told her it was sexual and dates what else does she need?

Besides you're missing the point. The op doesn't want to go there at all. She has blocked it out of her memory as it is distressing. Why should she rake over it at all if she doesn't want to? She has been honest. Answered her questions 10 years ago.

If the wife is distressed she needs professional help.

Original poster
awomensworkisneverdone · 02/04/2021 16:04

@MrsMaizel

I'm actually a bit surprised *@awomensworkisneverdone* that you had to think about this to recall it ?
Well when my mate said "so and so" wants to talk with you, not even her name 23 years ago apart from a few Facebook messages did kind of make me wonder who it was. Was 10 years ago! When i was then it so and so wife of course then it all came back.... Sorry I wasn't more detailed about the conversation
OP posts:
joysexrenovated · 02/04/2021 16:05

Fgs OP has already talked to the wife of this scumbag, she’s not torturing her or being bloody unkind in any way whatsoever.

OP has every right not to feel obliged to participate in someone else’s drama or relationship ten years after that chapter ended. Her part in all of this finished the instant the initial conversation with the wife finished.

Everything thereafter is between the two who are married, and for them to sort out.

Original poster
awomensworkisneverdone · 02/04/2021 16:08

Sorry il rephrase lol!
Didn't even know her name! And after 10 years this name meant nothing to me until I was told it was so and so's husband.

OP posts:
starfishmummy · 02/04/2021 16:09

If it's details she wants, I'd be tempted to say that the whole time you were seeing him you were at it like rabbits 🐇 and then block her.

LBXXX · 02/04/2021 16:11

To the people telling you that you should speak to her etc

It’s been 10 years! If this woman isn’t over it by now that is not your problem. Ignore anyone telling you to speak to her. You can’t keep doing this dance because she feels paranoid. Block and move on and tell your friend to tell her you have no interest in discussing it and not to discuss it with her again

bottleofvodka · 02/04/2021 16:25

Hmm I think this woman must be very troubled if she wants to contact you now. I think I would arrange a time to phone her, block your phone number and let her have her questions ready, a one time only chance to ask you. You can always hang up if you need to, you control the conversation. Then block her and move on.

ancientgran · 02/04/2021 16:28

I'd just say it was something short and casual 10 years ago and you can't remember any details.

gannett · 02/04/2021 16:29

If you had the emotional bandwidth for this I think it'd be kind to hear her out, see what she wants and if you can help.

But you're NOT under any obligation to have that emotional bandwidth and if you don't think you want to even risk dredging it up then you don't have to.

A courteous message like PP have suggested in that case. Reiterate the basic facts, wish her well, emphasise that you've moved on and don't wish to bring it all up again.

Sorka · 02/04/2021 16:37

@ElspethFlashman

And why are people saying to send her a message??!

She doesn't have her number!

A "FUCK NO!" to the old friend would be perfectly adequate.

Old Friend could phrase that however she likes. After all, she's the one who's choosing this new friendship for some reason.

This. No need to send her a message OP. Better to leave it with her not having your contact details.
FireflyRainbow · 02/04/2021 16:55

Nope, it's been done OP just ignore her.

BendyLikeBeckham · 02/04/2021 17:40

What I suspect has happened, is that he spun her a bullshit story 10 years ago and she believed him. Like so many women do. That's not her fault she trusted him. He probably said it was innocent/you were just friends/you pursued him/it was only a kiss/blah blah the usual script.

And now something else has happened, or looking back lots of his stories don't add up. She wants to hear it from you directly, to clarify dates dates know for sure if his story was bullshit or not. It will help her to know how much of a cheating shit he is.

As I said before, I would give her that. Even just a phone call or some messages. A meeting, probably no.

I get that you don't want to, OP. And I agree that you don't owe her an explanation. I would but that's me.

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