Page 4 | To not want to talk to his wife?

awomensworkisneverdone · 2021-04-02T10:36:02+00:00

The wife of a man i was seeing has reached out to me after almost 10 years!! Long story short, this man lied to me and to his wife. No idea this man was married. Aibu to not want to be involved? I already had to deal with this. Its been 10 years. I don't feel its fair to be dragged back into this again. What good is this going to achieve?

GrimDamnFanjo · 02/04/2021 13:22

This is all very odd behaviour.
A brief relationship from 10 years ago? Where the OP had no idea she was the OW?
I really feel for his wife if she has been reliving this for 10 years and has not been able to move past.
Somewhere there's more going on...

Original poster

awomensworkisneverdone · 02/04/2021 13:23

@Elieza

It’s ten years ago. You’ve moved on and are happy. Why are you so upset about this?

It’s just some woman from the past wanting a five minute convo. Yeah you feel bad and embarrassed but you seem to be having an extreme reaction as I think you said you haven’t slept for two nights? Really? Over some blast from the past?

Why are you so upset?
Are you telling us the full story? I think there is more to this than meets the eye.
You didn’t know. You’ve done nothing wrong.

If you don’t want to talk to her just tell the mutual friend the story instead. That you met him on x met at y dated for x months had no idea about her and dumped him when you sussed. Everything you previously said.
Then she can pass it on to the woman, advising that you don’t want to discuss it again.

What’s the big deal. I just don’t get it.

I think it was it being slapped back into my face that's affecting me. I have never experienced anything like this before that moment and it bothered me alot. As a women yes its upset me. And having to relive it again.... not a good feeling at all. Not knowing if its the right thing to do, to go talk with her, ,or leave it alone. I wanted opinions from other women. Your right it was 10 years ago and its resurfaced.

OP posts:

Kimchidreams · 02/04/2021 13:25

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

I think its a real shame that so many women are just saying block her. Let's hope you never find yourself in a similar situation.

I think it's a real shame that it's always bloody women who are expected to be the support humans doing the emotional labour for everyone else.

This is on the woman's husband. She should be referred to the person who actually wholly bears the responsibility for this. If she can't trust him to tell the truth then this is an issue they need to work through: it has nothing to do with the OP.

Thoroughly tired of #BeKind expectations constantly being thrust upon women. OP wants no further involvement; she has a right to assert that boundary. And she's right to. Life's too short: just who needs this BS?

Well said! The wife obviously has trust issues with her husband. It’s not up to the OP to reassure her, especially because she’s moved on. The wife needs to decide whether or not she should be in a relationship with a man she doesn’t trust.

2bazookas · 02/04/2021 13:26

I think most woman can understand why she still needs answers about what he did to their relationship and to her. It's probably about dates, lies he told, excuses he made.

You didn't know he was married; but the fact is you unwittingly played a part in terrible hurt that she suffered. You might still remember information that can help her get a grip on her own story. Be kind, answer her questions as best you can.

 As  we age,  many of us  keep  thinking about long past events and hurts  and  wishing we had said more,   known more, been told more, had asked more questions or the right  questions.  Just so we could understand and   lay the past to rest.

Original poster

awomensworkisneverdone · 02/04/2021 13:28

Just to clarify. Shes told my friends she needs to talk to me because she wants to know exactly what happened, "details"
But I have decided I am not going to.
I'm going to leave it alone.
Thanks for all the responses 👍

Definitely helped

OP posts:

Mylovelyhorsee · 02/04/2021 13:28

You didn’t do anything wrong. I wouldn’t engage with her, she is obviously still having problems with him 10 years later otherwise she wouldn’t want to speak to you. Just move on and say no thank you.

Thewinterofdiscontent · 02/04/2021 13:28

@Elieza

It’s ten years ago. You’ve moved on and are happy. Why are you so upset about this?

It’s just some woman from the past wanting a five minute convo. Yeah you feel bad and embarrassed but you seem to be having an extreme reaction as I think you said you haven’t slept for two nights? Really? Over some blast from the past?

Why are you so upset?
Are you telling us the full story? I think there is more to this than meets the eye.
You didn’t know. You’ve done nothing wrong.

If you don’t want to talk to her just tell the mutual friend the story instead. That you met him on x met at y dated for x months had no idea about her and dumped him when you sussed. Everything you previously said.
Then she can pass it on to the woman, advising that you don’t want to discuss it again.

What’s the big deal. I just don’t get it.

This. You seem very conflicted Op. In one post you say the incident traumatised you and in the other you are over it, never think of it and are fine.

The wife probably just wants to know what kind if a sucker she’s been. She’s asking you not him. You’re not being dragged back really. I think it would help her to know the truth and as you say you had no idea so not sure why you’re so upset. You liked him at one point, it happened and it’s well over for you.
I get it’s embarrassing but in the grand scheme of things it’s not that terrible.

DarkMatterA2Z · 02/04/2021 13:28

I think I'd send a factual message asking to be left alone. Something like "we were in a relationship for x amount of time. I didn't know he was married. I haven't seen him since I found out. I've moved on and this is an episode in my life I'd prefer to forget so please don't contact me again.'

Yes, you don't have to reply but she may continue to try to contact you unless you make it crystal clear you don't want to discuss it.

jessstan2 · 02/04/2021 13:30

Gosh, I never dreamed she was acquainted with friends of yours. How very indiscreet to discuss this business with them, one would have expected her not to want anyone to know.

wingsnthat · 02/04/2021 13:32

But there’s no guarantee the wife would even believe OP?? Her husband has had 10 years to concoct a story that is somewhat believable and covers all angles. He knows how to successfully lie to his wife. He may well just say that regardless of what OP tells her, OP is lying. Then the wife gets annoyed with OP. It’s just unnecessary drama to get involved in.

1FootInTheRave · 02/04/2021 13:33

I would send the message that another poster suggested.

It is a 2 minute job and may help with whatever she is seeking.

You haven't done anything wrong.

Grumblesigh · 02/04/2021 13:35

Don't talk to her now. You already told her all she needed to know at the time - he lied, it was a sexual relationship. From there, her choices are her own.

You have nothing more of value to add.

Block her. Then carry on forgetting this ever happened.

RealisticSketch · 02/04/2021 13:36

It is a bit rubbish that she is using a common friend to come back to you about such a long dead interval in your lives! I don't understand why the friend in common acted as go between and didn't counsel her to reflect on why after all this time she feels she needs this information.
At best a message restating the minimum facts and that no further involvement is an option could be offered if you felt so inclined but you don't owe her that.
If she has spent another ten years in that marriage and still needs to haul over the coals one would assume the rebuild if their marriage hasn't been very successful and it would be foolish to be a third party anywhere near that.

2bazookas · 02/04/2021 13:37

Maybe she stayed with him because of children.
Maybe he is dead now, and it's still torturing her, WHY did he do this to me and the children, WHO was the other woman, and did I do the right thing staying with him.

You did nothing wrong; but I hope you can see it from her POV.

Why not ask her for an advance list of questions she wants to ask you ; so you are prepared and no horrid suprises will be sprung. If she meets that condition you will meet her for 30 minutes in a public place and answer them.

For you, the affair is long in the past and no longer matters.
Don't deny her the same relief and release.

Sorka · 02/04/2021 13:37

Fair enough OP. I wouldn’t want to talk to her either. It was 10 years ago and you have a family now. I think she’s out of order to think she can come and disrupt your life now. You already told her everything there is to know and even if you hadn’t you wouldn’t be obliged to speak to her now. She made a mistake staying with a cheat and a liar and she sounds bitter.

Out of interest, did your mutual friend know about this and did this other woman know that? It sounds like she’s telling people you’re her husband’s mistress when you were innocent and I’d be very cross about that.

cheerfulpanda · 02/04/2021 13:42

I think if you block her with no comment then you run the risk of her trying to find ways to contact you via other means.

PicsInRed had a good suggested reply. I think you need to close down further contact, then block.

dottiedodah · 02/04/2021 13:43

I think just to block her TBH.Its upsetting you, and bringing back bad memories of a time you would rather forget about.You were 23 and he 46 then .You were half his age! I would not want to go into personal details either.She has obviously realised he has been cheating again and hes back to his old ways .(Falls flat on floor with shock not!)56 now and still cant keep in his pants ! what a sleaze he is!

Original poster

awomensworkisneverdone · 02/04/2021 13:43

I know exactly whats happened.
I have been friends with my friend over 20 years. They have only recently become friends (about 6 months) i have clearly come up in conversation and yes my friend knew about the history.
She does have my back and has told his wife that she wants nothing to do with it but will pass the message onto me that she wants to talk.
That's where it stands today.
But iv decided to stay clear.
I will call her later and tell her its something i don't want bought up again.

OP posts:

YoniAndGuy · 02/04/2021 13:44

Yep you just do what's right for you.

Her problem is him - her problem is staying with a cheat and finding out that no, you can never relax again.

They're clearly still trapped in a loop with it. She's unhappy, maybe he's still at it and she suspects you... Who knows.

You could give her all the details you had and it wouldn't really help. She should have left him.

Honestly if it was me I would be quite tempted to cut to the heart of it and message something like 'Sorry no, I don't really want to revisit the time I was lied to by that horrible man. I'm sorry to hear you're still with him but good luck.' Maybe do her a favour!

But no, you should not feel at all obliged to do ANYTHING. These people are nothing to do with you and more to the point, nothing you say will help.

Lovemusic33 · 02/04/2021 13:45

You owe her nothing.

Been in the same position, dated a guy a few years ago, he told me he was single with no kids, met up a few times, then he vanished for a bit and reappeared on dating app a year later stating he had just split from his wife and had a 1 and a 3 year old, turned out he was married when we first dated and his wife was pregnant 😬😬. I felt awful but how was I to know.

This isn’t your fault, he lied, you owe neither of them anything, if she’s stupid enough to stay with him then more fool her.

Tiredmum100 · 02/04/2021 13:45

Fwiw I think you've made the right decision OP. Its not your problem. Knowing the ins and outs wont change anything. She knows he was seeing you and it was sexual. What's more to know. I would reply saying sorry no I won't meet you, then block her. Sounds like he's been cheating again!

ittakes2 · 02/04/2021 13:47

I think since it was such a long time ago its likely he has cheated several times since then and its likely her head is a mess with his lies. I am guessing she just wants some sort of confirmation from you so she can break up for him once and for all. I would give this poor woman the time to at least work out what she wanted. If she went all nutty I would block her - but 20mins of your time might help give her some sort of strength to move forward and I think that would be a really noble thing of you to do.

DYWMB · 02/04/2021 13:47

Urgh. She sounds as mad as him. I guess ten years head fuckery would do that.
Tell her to piss off.

LonginesPrime · 02/04/2021 13:52

Just to clarify. Shes told my friends she needs to talk to me because she wants to know exactly what happened, "details"

That's terrible to do that to you, especially given what he's already done to you. Fucking selfish of her.

okokok000 · 02/04/2021 13:53

She had the opportunity to ask for "details" at the time.

Yes she has been hurt, but so have you as you didn't know. You're both victims of his behaviour and her hurt doesn't trump yours. After 10 years it is clear she hasn't moved on, but she is being pretty selfish in my opinion.