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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to talk to his wife?

206 replies

awomensworkisneverdone · 02/04/2021 11:36

The wife of a man i was seeing has reached out to me after almost 10 years!!
Long story short, this man lied to me and to his wife. No idea this man was married.
Aibu to not want to be involved? I already had to deal with this. Its been 10 years. I don't feel its fair to be dragged back into this again. What good is this going to achieve?

OP posts:
MarieIVanArkleStinks · 02/04/2021 12:10

I'm trying not to be selfish.

Seems there's no worse accusation that can be levelled at a woman, whilst for men this is pretty much the expected given.

It's OK for women to be selfish. IMO, you should get on with your life and be happy. You have nothing further to contribute to this discussion, and frankly, no one has any right to put you in this position. Flowers

LonginesPrime · 02/04/2021 12:14

I'm trying not to be selfish

Well it's a shame the wife couldn't do you the same courtesy.

CagneyNYPD · 02/04/2021 12:20

I would message back with a "As I told you at the time, when I met your husband, he told me he was single. Etc etc". A message that simply confirms the truth as you told her 10 years ago.

She may well be playing things over in her mind because of subsequent events.

Then tell her that there is nothing more that you can add. Wish her well.

Original poster
awomensworkisneverdone · 02/04/2021 12:21

She basically wants to speak with me face to face.
I was told she needs to know how long it went on for ect ect...
I think being around someone who is close to me maybe bought it all back to her??? I honestly couldn't say.
I was completely shocked when I heard this myself, and completely torn as to go ahead and talk with her or leave it alone.
With it being such a long ago I just don't see any need when she spoke with me years ago.
I have my own family. I do not see this couple as I moved 5 years ago some distance away.

OP posts:
CallmeHendricks · 02/04/2021 12:22

You are under no obligation to discuss your love life, past or present, with anyone.

PanamaPattie · 02/04/2021 12:24

He is probably seeing another woman, his wife has found out and she wants to know if it’s you. Leopard. Spots.

stackemhigh · 02/04/2021 12:26

@user1471427614

Please give her 5mins to answer her questions, it will really help her.

I think its a real shame that so many women are just saying block her. Let's hope you never find yourself in a similar situation. All she wants is closure

She walked in on her husband with another woman, how much more closure does she need?! She stayed with him after that, it’s not OP’s job to make her feel better.
Womencanlift · 02/04/2021 12:31

@user1471427614

Please give her 5mins to answer her questions, it will really help her.

I think its a real shame that so many women are just saying block her. Let's hope you never find yourself in a similar situation. All she wants is closure

Absolutely don’t do this OP

From what you have said you were not the OW. You were dating someone who you genuinely believe was available. Their marriage and her closure is nothing to do with you. You didn’t owe her an explanation then (he did) and you most certainly don’t owe her one 10 years later

customwatkins · 02/04/2021 12:32

You are under no obligation to talk to anyone about anything you don't want to.

However, have a bit of compassion here, if after 10 years she's still struggling with her decision to stay, or if he's still cheating on her or whatever, poor woman.

If 5 minutes of my time could eased someone else's distress I'd offer it without hesitation. Be kind (yet firm) with her.

stackemhigh · 02/04/2021 12:34

Oh not the ‘Be kind’ crap again 😂

B33Fr33 · 02/04/2021 12:36

It's not your job to be her counsellor; sounding board or reassurance. If there is a mutual friend then make it clear, to them they can then decide whether to relay it or not:
You did regret it.
You have no secrets about what happened. You dated a man, the moment you discovered he lied it was over.
You have moved past it and can't help her.
Don't engage directly with her.

GladysTheGroovyMule · 02/04/2021 12:37

Just say you don’t want to get involved and block her. That’s your right to do so and definitely the sensible thing.

I would be curious as to what she has to say but tbh I’m assuming this shitty man has kept up his cheating behaviour and either she’s recently found this out or the scales have fallen from her eyes and she wants some kind of closure/to check if he’s still seeing you or something. Really it’s less curious of me and more nosy.

billy1966 · 02/04/2021 12:37

@PicsInRed

You have no obligation to let her know what happened, however if you wanted to, I would give her the facts only, with a little kindness, but make clear you have no wish for any further involvement. For example:

Hi Wife,

I saw x for x weeks, between {date} and {date}.
I broke up with him as soon as I found out he was married, have had no contact with him since, and have no wish to have any further contact. I'm very sorry you're going through this and wish you the best.

Kindest regards,
OP

I think if you send this text you will answer her question re length of time but I don't think you should feel obliged to speak to her.

She married a liar and chose to stay with him.
Flowers

Original poster
awomensworkisneverdone · 02/04/2021 12:42

I really do agree.
If it helps but what if it don't. I don't know this women, saw her for about 5 seconds when she walked in.
I get it i honestly do. But why now?
I felt absolute disgust and horror during that time I remember feeling like it was my fault!
Even though I did nothing wrong.
I remember being pretty ill. And overwhelmed.
I was 23 he was 46!
Looking back I cringe, its something I never wanted to remember again.
I haven't slept for 2 days.
Its easy to say it wasn't my fault when at such a young age that's exactly what it felt like.

OP posts:
makingmammaries · 02/04/2021 12:43

I seem to be in the minority here, but I think if you are the only person to hold information that somebody else needs, and which you could provide at very little cost to yourself, you should provide it. It's not about #bekind, it's about her getting the truth, which she appears to want. Difficult to see how this could traumatise you when it was a decade ago and you have your own family now.

OhWhyNot · 02/04/2021 12:43

She is looking for answers that are not there

She is with a man she does not trust and that is her choice as sad as that is

The questions will be never ending

binkyblinky · 02/04/2021 12:43

I'd be inclined to see what she wants. It could help her

Womencanlift · 02/04/2021 12:45

@stackemhigh

Oh not the ‘Be kind’ crap again 😂
Exactly. If she decided to stay with a cheater and is now regretting it then more fool her
Original poster
awomensworkisneverdone · 02/04/2021 12:46

@makingmammaries

I seem to be in the minority here, but I think if you are the only person to hold information that somebody else needs, and which you could provide at very little cost to yourself, you should provide it. It's not about #bekind, it's about her getting the truth, which she appears to want. Difficult to see how this could traumatise you when it was a decade ago and you have your own family now.
I have. That evening when she messaged me, nothing since then. I wouldn't say traumatised but definitely affected me.
OP posts:
KirstenBlest · 02/04/2021 12:48

What PicsinRed said.

JudyGemstone · 02/04/2021 12:48

@OhWhyNot

She is looking for answers that are not there

She is with a man she does not trust and that is her choice as sad as that is

The questions will be never ending

This.

Personally I don’t think it would hurt to reiterate what happened but I would do this as a one off message, not be entering into a dialogue.

If their marriage is still not past this 10 years on there’s no hope for it really is there.

Oh and it definitely wasn’t your fault.

Palavah · 02/04/2021 12:48

I would send the message suggested above and then block. No need to meet her F2F.

jessstan2 · 02/04/2021 12:49

I am wondering why she has contacted you. Maybe he has had another affair (or more), since and she wants to see if it is a pattern of behaviour before making up her mind what to do.

It's rather sad really.

In your place I wouldn't want to meet or get involved but I would answer any questions she may have, by email, as long as it didn't go on and on. Do tell her what you have told us, ie that you had no idea her husband was married and you ended it when you found out.

Good luck.

LunaNorth · 02/04/2021 12:52

If you agree to see her, my gut feeling is it won’t be the last time. There’ll always be ‘just one more thing’, because she can’t trust her husband to tell the whole truth.

I’d block and forget.

minou123 · 02/04/2021 12:53

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

I think its a real shame that so many women are just saying block her. Let's hope you never find yourself in a similar situation.

I think it's a real shame that it's always bloody women who are expected to be the support humans doing the emotional labour for everyone else.

This is on the woman's husband. She should be referred to the person who actually wholly bears the responsibility for this. If she can't trust him to tell the truth then this is an issue they need to work through: it has nothing to do with the OP.

Thoroughly tired of #BeKind expectations constantly being thrust upon women. OP wants no further involvement; she has a right to assert that boundary. And she's right to. Life's too short: just who needs this BS?

I agree with this.