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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to talk to his wife?

206 replies

awomensworkisneverdone · 02/04/2021 11:36

The wife of a man i was seeing has reached out to me after almost 10 years!!
Long story short, this man lied to me and to his wife. No idea this man was married.
Aibu to not want to be involved? I already had to deal with this. Its been 10 years. I don't feel its fair to be dragged back into this again. What good is this going to achieve?

OP posts:
MrsCBY · 02/04/2021 18:36

For those focusing on the wife’s feelings here, and how OP “owes it to her” to meet up and talk to her - despite the fact OP already told her what she needed to know at the time - what about OP’s feelings?

Apart from anything else, it’s clear that if you had known he was married, OP, you would never have had anything to do with him. I see him as a predatory older man who took advantage of your relative youth and inexperience to con you into a relationship you would never willingly have consented to if you’d known the truth.

He lied quite deliberately in order to coerce you into a sexual relationship with him. When men lie about using a condom, that’s a form of rape because it negates the consent that was given for sex with a condom. You could argue that the fact he was married negated the consent OP gave to sex with a man who had told her he was single.

It’s not hard to see an abusive element in this situation. No wonder it’s thrown you for a loop, OP, her raking it all up again and wanting you to talk to her about it. Why should you have to put yourself through that for her sake? No.

Twoforthree · 02/04/2021 18:44

Just reiterate what you said in your opening post to your friend and ask her to pass that on, and add you don't want to rake up the past by discussing it further.
You did the right thing at the time and what she did with that information was up to her.

WisnaeMe · 02/04/2021 18:56

10 years ago

absolutely not OP 🌸

Noshowlomo · 02/04/2021 19:01

It’s sad for the wife but she chose to stay with him. If she regrets it now it’s on her (well, and him)

LexMitior · 02/04/2021 19:06

No engagement! It was 10 years ago. Whatever her reason to contact you now, it will not be to your benefit. It’s likely to be detrimental, and you owe her nothing.

YouBringLightInToADarkPlace · 02/04/2021 19:12

This is not your job OP and you don't need to speak to her.

If she chose to stay with him then this is the kind of shit she should expect. She's not over it and she clearly never will be. I don't think anyone ever really can.

Steer clear of this carcrash. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Original poster
awomensworkisneverdone · 02/04/2021 20:09

@MrsCBY

For those focusing on the wife’s feelings here, and how OP “owes it to her” to meet up and talk to her - despite the fact OP already told her what she needed to know at the time - what about OP’s feelings?

Apart from anything else, it’s clear that if you had known he was married, OP, you would never have had anything to do with him. I see him as a predatory older man who took advantage of your relative youth and inexperience to con you into a relationship you would never willingly have consented to if you’d known the truth.

He lied quite deliberately in order to coerce you into a sexual relationship with him. When men lie about using a condom, that’s a form of rape because it negates the consent that was given for sex with a condom. You could argue that the fact he was married negated the consent OP gave to sex with a man who had told her he was single.

It’s not hard to see an abusive element in this situation. No wonder it’s thrown you for a loop, OP, her raking it all up again and wanting you to talk to her about it. Why should you have to put yourself through that for her sake? No.

I haven't really expressed my feeling about how it affected me out of respect for his wife. But reading your post made me cry.. it was humiliating! I felt dirty and insecure. It made me have trust issues. . But I couldn't of said it better. I felt used. I say I never gave it any thought.. because years passed before I had to unveil it all again. It wasn't nice it was embarrassing and shameful. Probably why it was buried in my mind and feels like its come back to haunt me. I haven't slept I feel anxious even 10 years later. Feel like that naieve girl again. Not a good feeling at all.
OP posts:
An0n0n0n · 02/04/2021 20:13

No offence but it's taking longer to post this and answer questions than to send her the paragraph and block her or just block her.

You day you don't want to engage in the drama...then surely you've made a decision and don't need a post to reaffirm.that

ElspethFlashman · 02/04/2021 20:16

Good Lord read the fucking thread. She hasn't been in direct contact.

CeibaTree · 02/04/2021 20:26

Just tell your friend to pass on the message that it was so long ago that you don't really remember what happened and have no interest going over it. It must feel really weird to know that the woman still thinks about you after all this time so much that she remembers your name. I do feel for her, but her feelings are not more important than yours.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 02/04/2021 20:49

People saying it might help her leave him?? So I have to be the one who gives her a push? Its really a decision she has to make surely?

@awomensworkisneverdone that is exactly right. Whatever this woman feels after all this time, these are her decisions to make and it’s not fair that she’s pushing any responsibility back on you, even if it is just one chat (which it almost certainly won’t be, once the line of dialogue is open) . Much as you might be “The Other Woman” in her eyes, you know you weren’t because you didn’t know he was married. If she want to know details, there IS one other person she could ask: her husband. If she doesn’t trust him then that’s her issue to work though and deal with.

I’d also be concerned that there’s a divorce in the offing and she’s gathering details for that. I’d not want to be getting dragged into that sort of shit show.

the sisterhood and all that

That’s up there with “Be Kind” which really means “Put yourself out for other people no matter what cost to yourself”. Because we women have been conditioned to always put ourselves last, even when it comes to other women.

Fuck. That. Shit.

HeronLanyon · 02/04/2021 20:54

You’ve done nothing wrong.
You’re over it.
She needs some help.
Think if it were me there’s no question I’d see her.

BUT if for some reason it doesn’t feel right for you then don’t. Obviously.

Kind of think though that you haven’t forgiven yourself and actually you did nothing wrong at all ! So why not see her ?

Heronsnest · 02/04/2021 21:16

I was the wife in a similar situation to this one OP.
When I found out about the affair I was obsessed with other woman - she was a lot younger than me and childless. This obsession lasted a couple of years and I felt on the edge of madness for a long time.
It took me twelve years to finally leave my husband - old habits die hard and I found out he was up to his old tricks again.
But I would never have wanted to contact his girlfriend after 10 years, I don’t know what good could come of it and I’d strongly advise against it OP. Don’t be dragged in to a drama which could get messy and unpleasant and which isn’t your fault.

SionnachGlic · 02/04/2021 21:20

Has your mutual friend now told wife you don't want to speak/meet with her? Is the wife still pushing? Say No, you've no intention of talking with her...he lied to you, he did you harm too, his wife is not the only person he hurt here. You were honest & gave her info she asked for the last time, you haven't seen him since & ypu want to leave that fiasco in the past where it belongs. And mutual friend is not to pass any more messages or give any contact info. Maybe as another poster suggests, he is up to his old tricks & wife suspects it is you again. He is her problem, she chose to stay with him. 10 yrs on, it has nothing to do with you & you want nothing to do with either of them. I totally get it. Pass the msg & forget about it. You'll restore your balance again in a few days.

MrsCBY · 02/04/2021 22:16

awomensworkisneverdone I’m so sorry - I debated with myself whether to post what I did, because I thought it would be painful to read. But I also thought it needed to be said because so many people seemed to be glossing over how and why this would be particularly difficult for you, as if it wouldn’t cost you anything.

I hope you know that you were not in any way to blame for what happened, you were entirely innocent. Unlike him.

I think it’s normal to feel how you feel given what happened, but that doesn’t mean you deserve to, iyswim. Most women who’ve been abused or taken advantage of in some way feel a sense of shame - but it should rightfully be the disgusting, predatory men who do these things who feel that, not the women they prey on. Not you.

It’s painful to recognise you’ve been a victim, which is why you buried it. But it could be one good thing to come out of this now. Dealing with those feelings for yourself would help you in the long run, however hard it is to do. There’s obviously still a lot there if being reminded of it all now is making you anxious to the point you can’t sleep.

You deserve to be able to look back at this without any sense of blaming yourself, without feeling that you did anything shameful. Because you didn’t.

There is support out there if you want/need it. Flowers

Goleor · 02/04/2021 22:56

Its been 10 years, theres no way I would be comfortable dragging all that up again. She has all the info you are willing to give her. Tell your friend that it's not happening

Sorka · 02/04/2021 23:05

@An0n0n0n

No offence but it's taking longer to post this and answer questions than to send her the paragraph and block her or just block her.

You day you don't want to engage in the drama...then surely you've made a decision and don't need a post to reaffirm.that

An0n0n0n proving the truth that ‘no offence’ is always followed up by a rude and callous statement.
anon12345678901 · 02/04/2021 23:24

Nope not a chance I would. It's been 10 years and you've given her answers already.
I was the wife who got cheated on in my marriage, I didn't get back with my ex and didn't ever contact her after 4 months of him being gone. I wouldn't dream of doing it. She needs to learn to move on with the answers she had already, or if she wants to stay she needs to really get over it. If you choose to stay with a cheat no amount of answers will be good enough.
I think you've made the right decision and let's stop the be kind crap when the OP has said she feels upset by it being brought back up. Her feelings matter too and in this situation are the most important as she's already given the wife closure 10 years ago.

PrincessPea11 · 03/04/2021 07:15

You were very young and he took advantage of your naivety 10 years ago.

She saw what he did herself and chose to remain with him.

To be honest I feel as though she has a bit of a cheek. If she had just approached you discreetly saying 'I know I has been a long time but I'd be grateful if you could confirm nothing more happened' then I might think, ok, I could do a stranger a favour and repeat back what you said, clarifying that you didn't want to discuss further.

However she has involved your mutual friend and discussed the issue with them. I don't see how she can have known that they were aware previously so she has been telling mutual people about something you might prefer people not to know (although you've done nothing wrong, it sounds like you acted with integrity after realising you had been conned. And it is a con, lying to someone to get sexual or romantic liaisons that would not have otherwise happened. It's really gross behaviour and in my view, as a PP says, it interferes with the idea of informed consent, in principle).

You are well within your rights to block without a word, to give her the one sentence reply confirming she knows everything and that you don't want to discuss further, or even to not reply at all.

I would let my friend know that you would appreciate them not discussing this with her any more. There's nothing more to say and the man's wife has gone about this in the wrong way if she genuinely just wanted to know something from you.

MyOtherProfile · 03/04/2021 07:23

Just tell your friend that it was 10 years ago, you barely remember it, the wife already knows what happened and frankly the whole thing was horrible so you don't want to talk about it any more. Then if your friend brings it up again change the subject.

However, given how much it has upset you this time, I wonder if just sending her a paragraph saying it was crap, your DH was a lying cheat, he cheated you as well as her and you don't want to think about it again, might give you closure on this recent episode.

Jennydot · 03/04/2021 07:31

Personally I would talk to her. I know it will put you out and it’s clearly dragging feelings up for you, but I’m sure the wife wouldn’t try to contact you if she weren’t in some sort of turmoil. I know it’s not your responsibility but I would see it as a kindness.

You don’t know why she didn’t try to have this conversation nearer the time but I’m sure she had her reasons or wasn’t in the right place to do so.

You know you though, so if you think it’s not something you can cope with, then don’t. It sort of sounds like your mind is made up anyway and you are seeking reassurance. Whatever you decide is up to you but the above is what I’d do.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 03/04/2021 13:11

@MrsCBY that was so refreshing to read. A very compassionate post, taking into account the real feelings of the OP, rather than recommending she put those feelings to one side to show compassion to others at her own expense. I second what you say.

You should feel no shame here, OP. He is the one who's behaved reprehensibly. Not you. It's a pity this man's wife has discovered a go-between in the shape of your friend and this needs instantly shutting down. I'd recommend you tell her this isn't a topic you're going to be revisiting, and to advise her firmly that she needs to respect this.

I'm sorry this has made you feel so low. Several people are overstepping boundaries here. But you do not need to accommodate this. Flowers

Dontbeme · 03/04/2021 13:11

I know it will put you out and it’s clearly dragging feelings up for you, but I’m sure the wife wouldn’t try to contact you if she weren’t in some sort of turmoil

The OP answered this woman's questions when she contacted the OP ten years ago, any turmoil that this woman is suffering now, today is because she decided to stay in a marriage with a cheating husband. What do you think she has to ask the OP about that she doesn't already know after ten years? If this woman is still hurting she is focusing that hurt in the wrong direction, onto the OP, rather than her cheating husband, it may be easier for this woman to believe that the OP is the cause of her pain rather than the man who she decided to remain married to knowing that he was capable of hurting her.

GreenClock · 03/04/2021 13:38

I pity her but she should have filed for divorce when she realised what this sleazeball was like, instead of spending the following ten years on pins. It’s not your fault she instead opted to roll over and let him get away with it. Don’t feel obliged to put right others’ mistakes, especially when there is an emotional cost to you.

RealisticSketch · 04/04/2021 12:58

[quote MarieIVanArkleStinks]@MrsCBY that was so refreshing to read. A very compassionate post, taking into account the real feelings of the OP, rather than recommending she put those feelings to one side to show compassion to others at her own expense. I second what you say.

You should feel no shame here, OP. He is the one who's behaved reprehensibly. Not you. It's a pity this man's wife has discovered a go-between in the shape of your friend and this needs instantly shutting down. I'd recommend you tell her this isn't a topic you're going to be revisiting, and to advise her firmly that she needs to respect this.

I'm sorry this has made you feel so low. Several people are overstepping boundaries here. But you do not need to accommodate this. Flowers[/quote]
Well said, couldn't agree more.