Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to talk to his wife?

206 replies

awomensworkisneverdone · 02/04/2021 11:36

The wife of a man i was seeing has reached out to me after almost 10 years!!
Long story short, this man lied to me and to his wife. No idea this man was married.
Aibu to not want to be involved? I already had to deal with this. Its been 10 years. I don't feel its fair to be dragged back into this again. What good is this going to achieve?

OP posts:
M0mp0stMult1 · 02/04/2021 13:53

Neither of you can change the past
You owe her nothing

LaBellina · 02/04/2021 13:54

This sounds like trouble. I wouldn’t want to get involved in this mess. You don’t owe her anything, not even a ‘no’ or an explanation why you don’t want to talk to her.
Let your friend know that you’re not interested and that the topic is closed. Basta.

If the woman approaches you directly you tell her the same thing once and if she tries again, block her.

KirstenBlest · 02/04/2021 13:55

I'll revise my previous post. Don't engage.

BendyLikeBeckham · 02/04/2021 13:58

Personally, I just couldn't let another woman be tortured by not having information I could so easily give. It would feel cruel to me, just to dismiss her and refuse.

likeamillpond · 02/04/2021 14:00

He sounds like a creep.
A man in his 50s preying on a 24 year old.
Yuck.

MintyMabel · 02/04/2021 14:00

“No thanks, I’ve moved on”

Simple response. You did nothing wrong.

Tistheseason17 · 02/04/2021 14:02

I'm with you, OP.

This woman needs to talk to her DH - not you. You did not cheat.
As PP said, there are no answers that will change what you already told her and it will just start something that is not necessary for YOU.

user20211 · 02/04/2021 14:04

Ignore and block.

Not your circus.

Robintakeover · 02/04/2021 14:14

I wonder OP if he’s done it again and that’s why she feels the need to speak to you ?

I think other posters are right though - you’ve spoken to her before you are well within your rights to say you don’t want to go back over it again .

JosephineBaker · 02/04/2021 14:15

I think you’ve made the right decision. Protect your own mental health. You don’t need someone else’s drama.

Original poster
awomensworkisneverdone · 02/04/2021 14:16

@BendyLikeBeckham

Personally, I just couldn't let another woman be tortured by not having information I could so easily give. It would feel cruel to me, just to dismiss her and refuse.
Did not dismiss her. She asked me question an I gave her the answers. She now 10 years on wants more.
OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 02/04/2021 14:18

The thing is, will it be enough for the OP to say what happened?

Will the wife believe her?
Or does she just want to hurl abuse etc?

I wouldn't go there.

Original poster
awomensworkisneverdone · 02/04/2021 14:21

@RedToothBrush

The thing is, will it be enough for the OP to say what happened?

Will the wife believe her?
Or does she just want to hurl abuse etc?

I wouldn't go there.

The thought of sitting with her and relaying intimate details of her husband makes me so anxious and a little sick. Especially bringing it up after all this time. Thats what I'm struggling with.
OP posts:
Original poster
awomensworkisneverdone · 02/04/2021 14:22

Just for the record. Yes I feel bloody awful for her!

OP posts:
anyoldtime · 02/04/2021 14:31

You could give her all the details you had and it wouldn't really help. She should have left him.

This.

ShteakandShpuds · 02/04/2021 14:39

This idea of ‘closure’ is frankly bollocks and something tv scriptwriters rely on but it doesn’t really exist. If you’re going to brood over minor details, nothing’s going to change that.

I’m guessing he’s a serial cheater and she’s been turning a blind eye for these last ten years but maybe something’s recently changed and she’s wanting confirmation about something that happened back then.

Regardless, she’s the fool for staying with him and you owe her nothing.

Block and forget.

Frownette · 02/04/2021 14:40

Oh if you have tried to answer her questions in the past then just block her. She can't keep coming back for more, it's unfair on you to have the past dredged up again.

BestOption · 02/04/2021 14:45

If it was me, I would meet up with her. Fir you it was horrible, but for her, it was life changing. She didn't leave him, but that doesn't mean it didn't change her life.

If I could clarify anything for her, I would want to, because the 'not knowing' niggles can really just go around & around in your head.

You don't know why she still needs answers or what's going on in her life and you might really be able to help her.

I don't see why you can't do that. It's not like she's going to hurt you is it. You have a life,a family, it was a few weeks years ago im sure you're over him. Aren't you?

I hate the 'be kind' hash tag bollocks, but I think in this type of situation a bit of kindness goes a long way.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/04/2021 14:46

I think you’re totally doing the right thing. I would tell your friend that it is very unfair for this to be brought to your door after so much time when you were manipulated and taken advantage of at only 23 by a man double your age and to tell his wife the matter is closed.

Lostinthemail · 02/04/2021 14:49

@awomensworkisneverdone

Just for the record. Yes I feel bloody awful for her!
Why would you? She decided to stay with him and is bothering you ten years later. You did nothing wrong here and shouldn’t feel bad about it or for her.

She had the choice between leaving him or staying with him and move on. She apparently choose neither. Her call but she shouldn’t bother you.

Magicpaintbrush · 02/04/2021 14:52

If the wife is still going through trauma because of this 10 years on and feels she needs to fill in the gaps then it may be that, over time, she has come to the conclusion she can't live with it and maybe the information she thinks you can give her might give her the little push she needs to leave him. It will be hurting her far more than it's hurting you. And it's easy to sit and judge from the outside that she should have done x, y or z back at the time, but life isn't as black and white as that, and some people are trapped in relationships because of a multitude of reasons. I would help her if it was me.

AdelaideK · 02/04/2021 14:53

It's not fair for this woman to want more from the op now. She stayed with her husband so she should have been satisfied with the info from him.

She's got a bloody cheek 10 years later expecting the op to be willing to dredge it all up again.

GladysTheGroovyMule · 02/04/2021 14:57

@awomensworkisneverdone

Just to clarify. Shes told my friends she needs to talk to me because she wants to know exactly what happened, "details" But I have decided I am not going to. I'm going to leave it alone. Thanks for all the responses 👍 Definitely helped
“Details”. Ick. Yeah I’d be giving that a swerve. No good can come of it and you have moved on. Not selfish at all and someone else said upthread, who cares if it was selfish? It’s ok to be selfish sometimes anyway. Men are allowed to be it seems women are not.
sueelleker · 02/04/2021 14:57

I'm wondering if he's having another affair and she wants to check if it's with you.

Original poster
awomensworkisneverdone · 02/04/2021 14:58

But in all honesty I don't want to be a reason 10 years on for her to make the decision to leave him.
People saying it might help her leave him??
So I have to be the one who gives her a push?
Its really a decision she has to make surely?
I don't want to be the cause of her marriage breaking. She's a complete stranger to me and It would not be right.
I gave her all the answers.
But 10 years later wants to discuss it again to make a decision ( if that is the case)

OP posts: