To not want to talk to his wife?

[awomensworkisneverdone]

The wife of a man i was seeing has reached out to me after almost 10 years!!
Long story short, this man lied to me and to his wife. No idea this man was married.
Aibu to not want to be involved? I already had to deal with this. Its been 10 years. I don't feel its fair to be dragged back into this again. What good is this going to achieve?

[MrsMaizel]

@awomensworkisneverdone

She basically wants to speak with me face to face.
I was told she needs to know how long it went on for ect ect...
I think being around someone who is close to me maybe bought it all back to her??? I honestly couldn't say.
I was completely shocked when I heard this myself, and completely torn as to go ahead and talk with her or leave it alone.
With it being such a long ago I just don't see any need when she spoke with me years ago.
I have my own family. I do not see this couple as I moved 5 years ago some distance away.

Its too much and it's wrong of her to get your friend involved. I would block her now.

[ElspethFlashman]

I would send a message to your mutual friend, saying that whilst you will not be raking up the distant past. You said all there was to say 10 years ago. You have no more to add and would appreciate some privacy.

Because this woman wants to ask you about sex. Make no mistake about it. Does she know whether sex was involved or do you think he minimised it to just a quick hasty kiss that meant nothing etc?

[Ihatemyseleffordoingthis]

Do what Pics in Red said. Good note and tone.

I wouldn't meet her. I can't see any good would come of it. Having swallowed the sleazy husbands' lies all these years, she could be preparing to have a right go at you, or she might break down. Don't put yourself in that situation.

[ElspethFlashman]

He's probably being sneaky again and she's trying to find patterns of behavior.

[UhtredRagnarson]

@awomensworkisneverdone

She recently asked a mutual friend to talk with me about what happened. I think after all this time I want no part in it.
Its something I wanted to forget, was something I actually did forget until the other day

This is the start of shitshow of drama. She won’t stop at just a chat or a few questions. Follow your gut. Block and ignore.

[chalktheblockwithglitterchalk]

Just block. Don't respond.

[AdelaideK]

She chose to stay with him so id say just block her. He should be the one answering her questions.

[LadyLolaRuben]

She's clearly looking for an answer to something so she can lay whatever unresolved issues to rest. There doesn't seem to be any malice. I'd just spare her a few minutes - sisterhood and all that, you're on the same side.

[wingsnthat]

Block her and move on with your life. You don’t have to pander to her here.

If she feels insecure within her marriage, it’s a problem of her own creation and nothing to do with you. She chose to stay with him despite witnessing him cheating and knowing his flaws; it’s also now a decade after the incident. She made that decision. If it was the wrong decision, that’s on her/her husband.

She’s clinging on to hope that you will save her marriage, but the truth is that nothing you say will fix the way she feels. She doesn’t trust him - after a decade, she probably never will.

You need to focus on yourself and protect your own mental health.

[MarieIVanArkleStinks]

I was 23 he was 46!

Why has no one else noted this?

He's repugnant. And he's wholly, completely responsible. And if his wife chose to forgive this behaviour then anything that's happened subsequently gives her partial responsibility too. With that age gap and with OP being only 4 years out of her teens at the time I know what I'd have thought, and who I'd have blamed, had this been my husband.

Why would OP want to go within a million miles of this shitshow? It sounds as though they both have a lot of growing up to do. Leave them to it.

[stackemhigh]

I agree, it’s so gross that she is half his age, and he possibly has a daughter OP’s age.

None of this is OP’s fault yet she is expected to atone by giving his wife closure 🙄

[HollowTalk]

I imagine she could only stay with him because she blocked out what he was doing with you and presumably other women. There may well have been children and financial issues that made her stick her head in the sand. It might not have been possible for her to do anything else.

Now she needs to talk about it. Honestly, I would talk to her. She may well not have remembered clearly what happened.

It's amazing how fucked up your thinking can be when you're desperate. I would talk to her, definitely.

[SilverBirchWithout]

I can’t help wondering what the mutual friend’s role is in all of this.
Are they talking to the wife about you? Does she somehow what to ‘clear the air’ between you both for her own sake? Are the wife and you likely to accidentally meet through mutual friend?
I don’t see how a meet-up with the wife will be of any benefit to either of you, the past needs to stay in the past. The wife’s needs and your own are different, particularly as she is still in a relationship with the man involved.
I personally would just send her a short message (as suggested by another poster).

[Wellpark]

Let it lie. Her feelings about it are her own business to deal with.

[stackemhigh]

But what about what OP needs? She has said she was affected by what happened and that she felt disgust and horror and almost like it was her fault. She doesn’t want to dredge up those feelings again.

Why are the feelings of this woman more important than the OP’s?

[ZackaryQuack]

I'm guessing that it was the mutual friend, not the wife that made contact with you about this whole thing. I would tell the mutual friend that you told her 10 years ago what happened. That's the truth, the whole story, there is nothing more to add and you do not want contact.

And leave it there. If you do talk to the wife it leads to drama, and you don't need or want that kind of drama, the husband should be explaining himself not you.

[Elieza]

It’s ten years ago.
You’ve moved on and are happy. Why are you so upset about this?

It’s just some woman from the past wanting a five minute convo. Yeah you feel bad and embarrassed but you seem to be having an extreme reaction as I think you said you haven’t slept for two nights? Really? Over some blast from the past?

Why are you so upset?
Are you telling us the full story? I think there is more to this than meets the eye.
You didn’t know. You’ve done nothing wrong.

If you don’t want to talk to her just tell the mutual friend the story instead. That you met him on x met at y dated for x months had no idea about her and dumped him when you sussed. Everything you previously said.
Then she can pass it on to the woman, advising that you don’t want to discuss it again.

What’s the big deal. I just don’t get it.

[Mittens030869]

YANBU, OP. You owe her nothing, especially 10 years on. I hope your friend isn’t pressuring you into seeing her so that she can have closure. That would be very unfair.

[wingsnthat]

I’m 23 and repulsed with the thought of dating or having sex with a 46 year old! He essentially manipulated OP into bed by not providing the full facts. He lied about being single & likely told other lies to seduce her by any means possible.

He probably has spun an entire new story to his wife. However I don’t think OP can unpick these lies - he can just say “she’s lying to split them up as she’s in love with him” or “she’s just forgetful as it’s been a decade.” There’s no irrefutable evidence either way. This conversation needed to be had at the time, not now.

[awomensworkisneverdone]

@ElspethFlashman

I would send a message to your mutual friend, saying that whilst you will not be raking up the distant past. You said all there was to say 10 years ago. You have no more to add and would appreciate some privacy.

Because this woman wants to ask you about sex. Make no mistake about it. Does she know whether sex was involved or do you think he minimised it to just a quick hasty kiss that meant nothing etc?

She did ask if it was a sexual relationship and I told the truth and told her that it was.
So yes shes aware.

[Saz12]

There’s absolutely no bloody way I’d meet up with her! How would that be anything other than an awful experience???

I’d be inclined to send a note /message her to say “I was 24 and had a relationship lasting weeks with a much older man who lied to me when he told me / let me believe he was single. I had no further contact with him once I discovered he was married”.

Then block.

[tigger1001]

@stackemhigh

But what about what OP needs? She has said she was affected by what happened and that she felt disgust and horror and almost like it was her fault. She doesn’t want to dredge up those feelings again.

Why are the feelings of this woman more important than the OP’s?

This!! Totally agree with this.

It happened 10 years ago and contact was made at the time. I think it's really unfair to not only contact the op after all that time, with little regard to the fact the op was lied to, but to also drag friends into it, who maybe were unaware of the situation.

I personally would block, and also say to the mutual friend that you don't appreciate dragging up the past.

[SofiaMichelle]

No one should be reaching out unless they're a member of The Four Tops.

For that reason, YABU.

[ElspethFlashman]

Then what the hell does she want??

Dates? Times? Positions??!!

What more is there to know? I'm baffled.

[anyoldtime]

I would probably send a quick message to say once you discovered he was married you cut contact and haven’t thought about him since and you are not in a position to talk further. Then block.

Once a cheat always a cheat. I’m guessing she has discovered other affairs.