To not want to talk to his wife?

[awomensworkisneverdone]

The wife of a man i was seeing has reached out to me after almost 10 years!!
Long story short, this man lied to me and to his wife. No idea this man was married.
Aibu to not want to be involved? I already had to deal with this. Its been 10 years. I don't feel its fair to be dragged back into this again. What good is this going to achieve?

You are doing the right thing, don't meet/speak to her. It's been ten years , you told her then what happened, if she hasn't got over it from ten years ago, then she needs to address her issues. Not by speaking to you but by getting relationship counselling x

He’s probably been caught again and she wants to know If he’s told you all the same lies

@Magicpaintbrush

If the wife is still going through trauma because of this 10 years on and feels she needs to fill in the gaps then it may be that, over time, she has come to the conclusion she can't live with it and maybe the information she thinks you can give her might give her the little push she needs to leave him. It will be hurting her far more than it's hurting you. And it's easy to sit and judge from the outside that she should have done x, y or z back at the time, but life isn't as black and white as that, and some people are trapped in relationships because of a multitude of reasons. I would help her if it was me.

Its not the OP's responsibility to sort out the wife's life.

Its the wife's problem. She has known for 10 years and has been told what happened.

Whatever the OP does, I can guarentee it won't be enough for the wife. The needs to deal with her own decision to stay with this man. Not lay it on a third party who is innocent and unaware this man was married.

Why should the OP give details of any relationship to someone else? Thats personal information. That intimate detail isn't trumped by it then becoming apparent that the man was married. The wife does not have a right to this information. If she wants to ask someone then it should be her husband. If she no longer trusts him, then thats her problem to deal with, not the OPs.

Sorry, but its tough shit. Its not as if the OP hasn't given info in good faith in the past. The wife can't come back 10 years down the line harassing the OP (and potentially blaming her for the break down of her marriage and make a point of this which I think almost certainly will happen).

Jesus wept.

I feel for her. But you cannot help her. You cannot give her the answers she needs. It is not your responsibility.

You've already told her everything. What more does she need? You're not a counsellor.

I would say no and also tell your friend to back off. It was ten years ago. You told her everything then. You have a family now. Who wants to rake over that shit? It's really unreasonable.

OP, IMO you've given this whole thing far more headspace than it deserves already.

She shouldn't have contacted you and you're doing absolutely the right thing by steering clear.

Sorry my page didn't refresh properly so didn't see what your friend had said. She sounds a good friend. But yes tell her it's not up for discussion.

Maybe she is divorcing him and wants evidence of his infidelity.
Either way this is entirely up to you what you want to do about it.

So if she hadn't met your friend, would she still be wandering around with a yearning for "details" about the ins and outs of her husband's affair?

Or did the sudden need for information spring from the realisation that her new friend has access to you?

It's pretty shit to take advantage of a knew friendship in that way.

I would totally ignore this woman, and would not care about her problems. If she is the type of person to perpetually hang onto situations, then she is doing herself no good at all.

She already knows all she needs to know. You told her you slept with her husband because he told you he was single and the relationship ended as soon as you found out he was married. She has no rights to any further details of your meetings, especially if she's after 'intimate' details. How many times you met and what happened when you did is information you aren't 'required' to give her. If, for whatever reason, she now chooses not to believe what her 'd'H has said about the affair that's her decision. It's not your 'job' to provide her 'evidence' to help her justify her decision.

I wonder if she's now caught him in another infidelity and that's what's dragged the past up for her.

@WhoWants2Know

So if she hadn't met your friend, would she still be wandering around with a yearning for "details" about the ins and outs of her husband's affair?

Or did the sudden need for information spring from the realisation that her new friend has access to you?

It's pretty shit to take advantage of a knew friendship in that way.

This is exactly it! Nothing for a decade, then out the blue a phone call from my mate telling me she wants to talk. I'm not kidding I had to take a minute to even remember who she was referring to! Then of course it all came back.

I think if you hadn't spoken to her ten years ago, it might be a good thing to do to talk to her, but she already knows what happened. Why does she need more details? The information she got ten years ago should have been enough for her to make an informed decision about whether or not to stay with him. To me it sounds like this has been tormenting her since it happened and she thinks by knowing every last detail then she will gain control of it. Unfortunately life doesn't really work like that and there will always be more nuances that need discussed etc. The best thing for her would be to leave it all in the past and move on, but that is something that only she can decide.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

I think its a real shame that so many women are just saying block her. Let's hope you never find yourself in a similar situation.

I think it's a real shame that it's always bloody women who are expected to be the support humans doing the emotional labour for everyone else.

This is on the woman's husband. She should be referred to the person who actually wholly bears the responsibility for this. If she can't trust him to tell the truth then this is an issue they need to work through: it has nothing to do with the OP.

Thoroughly tired of #BeKind expectations constantly being thrust upon women. OP wants no further involvement; she has a right to assert that boundary. And she's right to. Life's too short: just who needs this BS?

This in spades. ^

I am also fucked off to the nth degree, with women always being expected to be doormats, and mugs, and always be NICE and KIND. Men are never expected to be this way, and are not made to feel like shit if they are inconsiderate or slightly rude in any way. (Not saying the OP is btw, I am just saying...)

@awomensworkisneverdone You owe this woman nothing. I am sorry she has a lying cheating cunt for a husband, but that's not YOUR problem. Send the message someone suggested on page 1 by a poster...

Hi Wife,

I saw x for x weeks, between {date} and {date}.
I broke up with him as soon as I found out he was married, have had no contact with him since, and have no wish to have any further contact. I'm very sorry you're going through this and wish you the best.

Kindest regards, OP

Send the message and then block her.

Also, people need to seriously fuck the fuck off with #BEKIND. It's getting embarrassing and cringeworthy now, and every time I see it, my eyes roll into the back of my head.

If you only dated him for a few weeks then he can't have been that important to you. You're unlikely to be very emotional about him, esp. after 10 yrs.

You've no obligation but it would be kind to meet & answer questions you're comfortable with.

Last few yrs I've helped a friend deal with her cheating stbxH. Friend has a lot of prejudices she was raised with about divorce being only for weak people and had lived with an illusion for many yrs that her marriage was incredibly strong. She also struggled to believe the same man she married did all this cheating. It gave her a lot of closure to reach out to the OWs, trying to make sense of how could she (friend) have been so blind.

Not your problem... but kind to help.

I think the fact that you talked with her before is enough to say that you dont want to get into this again. If you had never talked to her i would have suggested 5 minutes. But since she already knew, there is nothing to be gained I guess. Although offering her 5 minutes to talk about something which was not tht big a deal to you doesnt seem like too much of an imposition?

@yeOldeTrout

If you only dated him for a few weeks then he can't have been that important to you. You're unlikely to be very emotional about him, esp. after 10 yrs.

You've no obligation but it would be kind to meet & answer questions you're comfortable with.

Last few yrs I've helped a friend deal with her cheating stbxH. Friend has a lot of prejudices she was raised with about divorce being only for weak people and had lived with an illusion for many yrs that her marriage was incredibly strong. She also struggled to believe the same man she married did all this cheating. It gave her a lot of closure to reach out to the OWs, trying to make sense of how could she (friend) have been so blind.

Not your problem... but kind to help.

Why does the OP need to BE KIND?

@awomensworkisneverdone I was the cheated on partner in my relationship, for what it's worth I think this woman is crossing the line here, if after ten years she is still dealing with the fallout from this and has stayed with her husband, any misery she is suffering now is of her own making. There would be nothing that you could do or say to relieve any hurt she may still be experiencing, that is on her and her husband. She has decided to stay with him so she has to deal with that herself, them the breaks. If I was the mutual friend I would be angry that she put me in this position and would be dropping new friend. Also if there's anyone in your life that needs to know about this (husband or partner) tell them before the wife does.

I think it’s odd after all this time she wants to talk to you . If she wanted to talk to you she should of done it back then . If she stayed with him you’d think it was put behind them both but with wanting to talk to you seems not .
I’d just say no thank you it’s in the past where it’s best left . Closure or not no good bringing it all up after all these years you are nothing to her and vice versa.

In agreement with @littlepattilou.

We are conditioned to be nice. We don't tell the wife or other woman because 'you'd look like a psycho', 'you'd upset her' , 'nobody would believe you' etc.

It's the man who has cheated.

I think that as it’s been ten years and you spoke to her ten years ago over message regarding what happened then no, you don’t owe her anything and I wouldn’t be meeting with her myself either. If she’d only just found out or you hadn’t spoken about it all those years ago then it would be understandable but tbh I find it a little bizarre.

Yes meeting a mutual friend may have opened old wounds .
Or like many they choose to continue with the relationship but the trust is gone and may still have the affair in her head 10 years later. There are many threads on here about feeling that way.

It's her decision to stay and her problem. Not yours. You acted with respect for her and yourself by walking away.
She needs to leave you and your mutual friend alone.

@Babygotblueyes

I think the fact that you talked with her before is enough to say that you dont want to get into this again. If you had never talked to her i would have suggested 5 minutes. But since she already knew, there is nothing to be gained I guess. Although offering her 5 minutes to talk about something which was not tht big a deal to you doesnt seem like too much of an imposition?

@Babygotblueyes you'd be happy to go over sexual details with a complete stranger? Good for you. The op has said she isn't and it's already causing her great distress.

And it's not going to be five minutes is it? She wants to rake over details. There will always be more questions. The op cannot help her. She needs counselling at the very least.

And what about the op and what's best for her?!

Plus I’d have thought after ten years this would be something they’d put to bed. You told her it was a sexual affair and it was up to her to decide what to do to that. I certainly wouldn’t want to be dragged into someone else’s martial domestics after all of those years. I find it very odd she wants to speak to you now and I’d be apprehensive to see where this leads.

Marital not martial 😂

I would absolutely not get involved and dragged back into that mess.

Unfortunately she married a scumbag but it's not your responsibility and ultimately I doubt talking with you will even help her.