I actually think my sister is a narcissistic and it's causing issues with family childcare

[digitalnative]

So apologises for the long message I have a DD 2 years old

When Covid came along I bubbled up with my mum re childcare as I work full time I split with DD dad while I was pregnant but remain friendly and both of us have new partners.

My mum looks after my DD two days a week which is so helpful as nursery costs are unreal and my ex although we get on well pays the bare min re maintaince when he pays and sees her on off.

My sister had a baby last July and has made it pretty clear that she doesn't think my mum can cope with both kids so has asked me to put my DD more days in nursery as she doesn't want to pay for nursery or any type of paid childcare (I already pay for 3 days nursery on my own) . Did I mention that her hubby earns about 100k a year and they live in a massive massive house, go on 4 long haul holidays (pre Covid a year) and she makes about 32k a year so total house income of 132k. I live in a 3 bed house and money is well not tight but I have to budget heavily or I'm in there red at end of month. My new partner is Self employed and makes about 16k a year and I make 40k, I wouldn't ask him to drop a day off work for his step daughter (although he would) because of loss of money.

I feared tell her I got a new job as it would mean I'm making more than her (and boy did she kick off) so my pay is a issue as I'm the younger sister and she mention it at every opportunity that I make more than her, but fluffs when asked how much she makes so I suspect it's probably higher than the above.

Mums not old and is more than willing to help with the kids, bar the fact my sister comes over with her baby on days mum has my daughter and basically expects to be waited on hand and foot (she's on mat leave) and makes it so my daughter is ignored all day and tells me that my normally placid daughter is basically a demon (she's no angel but never had any issues and DD loves the baby and always v gentle as she's a shy thing) and my sister seems to stoke the jealousy element and revel in it and I have seen it in action and it's horrible 😞 even my mums like yes that's not right after but never in the moment.

The thing is my therapist said in no uncertain terms my sister is a narcissist, and if you look up online she fits the bill to a T. She was pretty hideous growing up with tbh, hiting, stealing lying you name it I was on the receiving end. Problem is because she yells and screams and loses her shti my mum used to back down and approaches me as I'm the reasonable one so I always used to lose out (as a child my birthdays were a nightmare as she would literally kick off- so I wasn't allowed parties) . In fairness to my mum she's now trying to tackle my sister and after 34 years of it always being her way she's really doubling down.

I have known this was looming for a while, my sister makes my mum drive a hour to her house to look after the baby and keeps saying get me to put DD in nursery so you can come stay the night and do the nightshift for me (she's on mat leave and her hubby does 50% of the night feeds) and I need the cover to you know work and she's on mat leave 😞😞

My mums happy to have my sisters dd on days she has my dd just as long as my sister is working and not just wanting a break feom being a parent.

I feel like I'm being gas lighted. She's now pushing for my mum to stop having DD and start having her DD as she literally will not pay for nursery fees as it's only fair "she gets her turn" and money is so tight for them 🙄

Thing is we grew up on the poverty line and I remember what it's like to really struggle so I'm not gonna sit here and say we are poor but rn I have a lot of bills that come out (don't buy a house in a housing market bubble is all I'm saying) and nursery is killing me along with a lot of student debt and other debts DD father left me with 😒

I feel like I have to justify if I go shopping for nesscary clothes for DD, get my hair done or buy anything as my sister will say see mum she's rolling in it about you getting her to put DD in nursery for more days

Has anyone successfully dealt with narisctic family member ? The only stuff online is to cut them off which my mum begs me not to do to my sister as she's "never going to be happy or contented"
And do I sound like a hideous person for every now and then just wanting to do just that.

Mums staying strong for the moment but is making mum Uber guilty and my sister want to talk about "getting the childcare issue sorted out" before she goes back to work. She got the days which mum will cover and I'm not sure what she thinks she will achieve with me.

This is starting to make me feel v low. Doesn't help that I had a late stage MC and my baby would have been born a week after my sisters baby.. and that often gets rubbed in my face saying it was probably for the best of I can't provide for my current DD 😞

Well she sounds fucking vile. I'm sorry.

I would just laugh it off if she asks you to put your DC in nursery full time, "oh SIS you're so funny".

I feel like the childcare thing is up to your mum though, your sister does not control your mum (despite trying to), and it's your mum's business whether and when she looks after any GC. Your mum shouldn't feel guilty if she doesn't want to, or if she does. It's up to her to set boundaries though.

Childcare from a family member is not just about money, it's about time with that person too. My mum looked after my sister's children 3 days a week, she's never looked after mine (we don't live close enough), and my sister earns more. I feel sad that my children don't have anywhere near the same relationship with their grandparents as a result.

What does your mum say about the childcare?

And if you're short of money you need to try to sort out the situation with your ex.

Just to add I'm pretty sure people aren't just born narcissistic. What do you think made her that way? Did anything happen in your upbringing?

I think this is one for your mum to sort out. Although if I'm honest if I was her I would tell you both no or you get her 1 day a week.

Don't get me wrong, from your description your sister sounds horrible but there's no need to get low about this. Stay strong, there is no decision for you to make here. leave it for your mum to sort.

The money anyone earns is irrelevant in the situation you’ve described. Stop talking about money to her.
The important thing is about what your mum can cope with and wants to do in terms of childcare for you both. It’s her decision to make.

"Mum and I are happy with the current arrangement. Please decide between you and her how your DC fits into that. I wont be making any changes"

Your poor mum!

Your poor mum!

I agree with PP, this isn't for you to sort out. Just give a vague' Mums happy having DD and DD loves going there ' every time Sis mentions it

That last comment she made to you was utterly disgusting and unforgivable

Your mum needs to put her in her bloody place once and for all in fact I would recommend you go no contact with her because she sounds utterly vile

It sounds like a family where the relationships are all quite difficult. People are demanding things without respecting others as people and also not allow others the space and right to make their own decisions.

It is up to your mother - not you, not your sister - how much childcare she can offer. Perhaps your mother finds it hard to stand up and say this in the face of these squabbling daughters making her feel guilty!

I think all you can do is look at the part you are playing in these difficult dynamics and try to do something about that, rather than say "my sister is a narcissist she is causing all the trouble".

The only way through these things is if people take responsibility for their own part in things. Blaming it all on your sister isn't the right road to go down. That is not to say that she isn't difficult - she sounds it. But I guess she would say likewise about you if we asked her!

Surprised your therapist said she was a narcissist having not met your sister and only heard it all through your eyes. Real narcissism is a rare and painful and intractable personality disorder, a very significant failure in emotional and psychological development.

Sticking this label on your sister is too convenient a way to get out of thinking about the part you play in all this and how you might also be difficult at times and demanding.

Good luck thinking about it all - wish you well.

This is your mum’s problem, not yours.

Unlike PPs, I don’t feel sorry for your mum at all. I can’t believe you went without birthday parties as a child in order for your mum to keep your sister happy.

From past experience, I think you know that your mum will ultimately go along with what your sister wants to happen and that is why you seem to be so down about it. I wouldn’t have anything to do with your sister going forward and, if your mum does come to you as the “reasonable one” and ask you to put your daughter in nursery, I would rethink your relationship with her too.

The dynamic won’t ever change. You went without as a child in order for your mum to keep your sister happy, and now your children will go without in order for your mum to keep your sister happy.

So couple of things, my sister went and found the job description of the job and pay banding that I subquently got (and currently employed by) and found out my salary band that way. But told me after the fact. I try to keep visibility of my money v low key. I wish I was joking on this front.

Your spot on though my dad was a high functioning alcoholic who had stayed sober until I was born (which my sister holds against me and my mum) - me for being born and my mum for believing he wouldn't return to the drink (he did v well 6 years sober which is the age gap between me and my sister). He's now passed but started drinking upon my birth. My sister was the golden girl and daddy's princess so I'm well aware she blames me for his drinking starting up. I think it's part environment and part genetics, thing is if you don't set boundaries with your kids at a young age, they grow up to be hideous. It is classed abs personality disorder which I realise isn't her fault but when your always on receiving end of it, it doesn't make it easier.

My mum took a long while to recover from my father and endulged my sister as she grieved more at his passing (I'm going to sound crude but he wasn't a kind man to me) so out grieve scales are different.

Mums got a really strong bond with DD and I think that's what's stopping her from caving to my sister but my sister is pushing her to the brink (much like my father).

It's maddness as she's said she will happily have both of them two days but my sister wants all the days or to at least take away that bound my mum has with my DD

Surely I can't be only one dealing with someone like this ? I have had to go into therapy because it's like being in a abusive relationship with someone without being able to leave !!

PS very sorry to hear of the loss of your baby.

Also just to the person who said my therapist shouldn't have made that call. He met her because we went to family therapy as I kept being injured as a child by my sister. It's on her medical file not just be bandying around a term FYI

@Bumpsadaisie

PS very sorry to hear of the loss of your baby.

Thank you 💓💓 I miss her every day but not really allowed to talk about her as my sister gets angry.

Perhaps your mother finds it hard to stand up and say this in the face of these squabbling daughters making her feel guilty!

This is why you need to have no contact with your sister.

As long as you are engaging with your sister, you will be seen as being just as bad as each other.

Never argue with a fool. Onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.

People that don’t come from families like this don't understand.

I would highly recommend counselling and having no relationship with your sister. You’ll be much happier.

So you get 2 days free childcare a week

Your DSis also wants 2 days

That's fair. One sibling getting considerably more material assistance than the other is wrong, as is DGC having treated differently to the other.

Your therapist is bang out of order attributing a personality disorder to someone they've never met. Find a better one asap

Its down to your mum to sort out. I think having both grandchildren on the same number of days is fair. It's not on, to demand she have them all week, but a few days if shes happy, is fine. Ignore your sister.

@Vivi0

Perhaps your mother finds it hard to stand up and say this in the face of these squabbling daughters making her feel guilty!

This is why you need to have no contact with your sister.

As long as you are engaging with your sister, you will be seen as being just as bad as each other.

Never argue with a fool. Onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.

People that don’t come from families like this don't understand.

I would highly recommend counselling and having no relationship with your sister. You’ll be much happier.

It's hard to explain to people who haven't been there. Even my ex used to be shocked at the stuff she pulled.

I think eventually that's where I will have to go maybe even with my mum. Having only really one parent (in my eyes) makes it so hard to ignore how this is playing out. Not to be a tiny bit mad at my mum.

I didn't know why it was happening as a kid. But now I do 😞 my DD loves my mum and I don't want for her to lose that bond she has.

I just don't know how I can just vanish from this web.

Had the same therapist for a long long time. He's an angel tbh. I think I wouldn't have survived without him. Funny enough from the outside looking in, I would class this as normal squabbling behaviour to if I hadn't been on receiving end

@AuntieStella

So you get 2 days free childcare a week

Your DSis also wants 2 days

That's fair. One sibling getting considerably more material assistance than the other is wrong, as is DGC having treated differently to the other.

Your therapist is bang out of order attributing a personality disorder to someone they've never met. Find a better one asap

Read the above comment re he has most definitely met her ...

@AuntieStella

So you get 2 days free childcare a week

Your DSis also wants 2 days

That's fair. One sibling getting considerably more material assistance than the other is wrong, as is DGC having treated differently to the other.

Your therapist is bang out of order attributing a personality disorder to someone they've never met. Find a better one asap

Also just to clarify- I have no qualms with her having two days, she want me to drop down to 0 days and have 2 solely covered ...

It's actually on your sister's medical file that she kept injuring you as a child?!

If that's true, I'd get her on her own, and tell her in no uncertain terms that if she didn't back off and stop with the crap, I'd report her to social services and her HV and tell them that she's beginning to behave aggressively towards not only you (with the miscarriage comments etc) but also towards your daughter - speaking aggressively, trying to cause problems with your DD's relationship and time spent with your mum... and that maybe they should look at her file and her history and keep a closer eye on her own baby.

That might scare her a bit.

Just to be really really uber clear - my therapist has met her (please read above). She's been classified as a narcissist and as much sympathy as I have for it being a absolutely correctly termed medical condition. People with this condition rarely seek continued help.

But do continue to exist and cause havoc.

Why and how does she know about your salary, your DDs new clothes, you having a haircut? If you had a normal chitchat friendly relationship with her fair enough, but she’s so nasty! She’s way too involved in your life. Your childcare arrangements are none of her business and it is absolutely up to your mum to decide what she’s comfortable and happy with and to communicate that to her. You don’t have to cut her out of your life completely but I always see ‘grey rock’ recommended in these situations. You need to stand up for yourself a bit more. I know you’re the younger sibling but you are a grown adult. Good luck x

Your therapist is bang out of order attributing a personality disorder to someone they've never met. Find a better one asap

Exactly this, and actually it sounds like you are the one with the issues, not your sister.