I actually think my sister is a narcissistic and it's causing issues with family childcare

[digitalnative]

So apologises for the long message I have a DD 2 years old

When Covid came along I bubbled up with my mum re childcare as I work full time I split with DD dad while I was pregnant but remain friendly and both of us have new partners.

My mum looks after my DD two days a week which is so helpful as nursery costs are unreal and my ex although we get on well pays the bare min re maintaince when he pays and sees her on off.

My sister had a baby last July and has made it pretty clear that she doesn't think my mum can cope with both kids so has asked me to put my DD more days in nursery as she doesn't want to pay for nursery or any type of paid childcare (I already pay for 3 days nursery on my own) . Did I mention that her hubby earns about 100k a year and they live in a massive massive house, go on 4 long haul holidays (pre Covid a year) and she makes about 32k a year so total house income of 132k. I live in a 3 bed house and money is well not tight but I have to budget heavily or I'm in there red at end of month. My new partner is Self employed and makes about 16k a year and I make 40k, I wouldn't ask him to drop a day off work for his step daughter (although he would) because of loss of money.

I feared tell her I got a new job as it would mean I'm making more than her (and boy did she kick off) so my pay is a issue as I'm the younger sister and she mention it at every opportunity that I make more than her, but fluffs when asked how much she makes so I suspect it's probably higher than the above.

Mums not old and is more than willing to help with the kids, bar the fact my sister comes over with her baby on days mum has my daughter and basically expects to be waited on hand and foot (she's on mat leave) and makes it so my daughter is ignored all day and tells me that my normally placid daughter is basically a demon (she's no angel but never had any issues and DD loves the baby and always v gentle as she's a shy thing) and my sister seems to stoke the jealousy element and revel in it and I have seen it in action and it's horrible 😞 even my mums like yes that's not right after but never in the moment.

The thing is my therapist said in no uncertain terms my sister is a narcissist, and if you look up online she fits the bill to a T. She was pretty hideous growing up with tbh, hiting, stealing lying you name it I was on the receiving end. Problem is because she yells and screams and loses her shti my mum used to back down and approaches me as I'm the reasonable one so I always used to lose out (as a child my birthdays were a nightmare as she would literally kick off- so I wasn't allowed parties) . In fairness to my mum she's now trying to tackle my sister and after 34 years of it always being her way she's really doubling down.

I have known this was looming for a while, my sister makes my mum drive a hour to her house to look after the baby and keeps saying get me to put DD in nursery so you can come stay the night and do the nightshift for me (she's on mat leave and her hubby does 50% of the night feeds) and I need the cover to you know work and she's on mat leave 😞😞

My mums happy to have my sisters dd on days she has my dd just as long as my sister is working and not just wanting a break feom being a parent.

I feel like I'm being gas lighted. She's now pushing for my mum to stop having DD and start having her DD as she literally will not pay for nursery fees as it's only fair "she gets her turn" and money is so tight for them 🙄

Thing is we grew up on the poverty line and I remember what it's like to really struggle so I'm not gonna sit here and say we are poor but rn I have a lot of bills that come out (don't buy a house in a housing market bubble is all I'm saying) and nursery is killing me along with a lot of student debt and other debts DD father left me with 😒

I feel like I have to justify if I go shopping for nesscary clothes for DD, get my hair done or buy anything as my sister will say see mum she's rolling in it about you getting her to put DD in nursery for more days

Has anyone successfully dealt with narisctic family member ? The only stuff online is to cut them off which my mum begs me not to do to my sister as she's "never going to be happy or contented"
And do I sound like a hideous person for every now and then just wanting to do just that.

Mums staying strong for the moment but is making mum Uber guilty and my sister want to talk about "getting the childcare issue sorted out" before she goes back to work. She got the days which mum will cover and I'm not sure what she thinks she will achieve with me.

This is starting to make me feel v low. Doesn't help that I had a late stage MC and my baby would have been born a week after my sisters baby.. and that often gets rubbed in my face saying it was probably for the best of I can't provide for my current DD 😞

**Hexinthecity
I could have written your post, been no contact with my brother and his wife coming up 4 years. My mum and dad are no contact with them also. No more drama

No disrespect to your mum but she needs to grow a back bone and stand up to her nasty daughter who is frankly taking the piss.
Tell her to stop taking advantage, crack out her credit card and pay for a nursery place for the baby. CF

I think you're right op, I think your sister is annoyed with you because you've taken control.

You've also taken the power away from your mum, to choose your sister over her.

Never ceases to amaze me how narcissists get annoyed when you you do what they ask of you off your own back. Normal people don't understand, because in our minds we've let them win, and given them what they wanted. In their minds you've simply stopped playing their game so they can't win any more.

Well done. Time to go nc, for your own sanity

How are you doing op x

I just wanted to recommend this book to you OP, it has helped me a lot X

Hi ,you are going to have to find a way out of this yourself ,narcs do not ever change ,they get even worse as they get older ,i have a family member and a life long friend ,you cannot change or cure them ,get your head around that and then you have to try very hard to realise that to a very large extent they cant help themselves ,its who they are and how they see the world and they are always right ,none of this is your fault or your mums ,you two will have to toughen up and stand up to her and stick to what you say and do not ever waiver once you have decided on whats going to happen ,narcs hate wimps ,they dont respect or feel sorry for wimps ,wimps are to be used by them ,the only thing they understand is strength and you two had better show some because its the only way she wont trample on you ,stick together with your mum and co ordinate your stratergy ,its all you can do ,you have to accept her as she is and show her you are not to be messed with ,then she might ,just might show you some respect ,only might though .

So thank you for the comments

I have started several of the books and started doing a slow fade to LC/NC. Slight problem as my birthday was in April so DS started tramping up again. She struggles with birthdays as a rule. Usually some drama that happens.

I feel more at peace actually because there's very little she can pull on bar the "family" card. I have effectively turned into a grey rock the amount I have had to do it recently. She's noticed the change and frankly enraged.

I can't remember which poster said about wimps but I agreed with most of what your saying and know it's coming from a good place and agree they responded to strength but I would add a addendum to say that anyone that deals with a person like my DS is anything other than a wimp.
It takes a lot of effort to on a daily and sometimes hourly to withstand this. It is slow, it's insidious and it's damage that happens over a prolonged timescale. People like this don't pick on the weak they pick on the people who give them supply usually very empathetic people (not that I feel empathetic going LC with DS) who are essentially gas lighted into believing stuff they shouldn't and blamed for.

I also have a massive amount of guilt and I am mourning because I wanted to be close to my DS and tell her about all the positives that happen and I can't for her sake as much as mine. She's not a Disney villain but she is mentally unwell and I have to accept facts. It takes a enormous amount of strength to no LC even more NC (not managed that one yet)

But for anyone reading this awfully long thread and hearing alarm bells ringing please note your not alone. Your not going mad and the stately homes thread is awesome and yes unfortunately the only way out is to let go of the rope. And it's hard. Don't get guilted into explaining what your doing if your preparing NC, just smile ,be kind and then run the other way fast 💨

may you all have a lovely day and bank holiday (even the ones who weren't so kind on this post)

Good to hear from you? What's preventing you from going NC? You've nothing to feel guilty for.

Random question in first sentence, sorry.

I'd agree No Contact is the answer here

Tbh my main reason for not going full NC is the rage- if you have experienced it will you know that actually it's rather terrifying.

I need to ground work with me to prep for the eventual day, I have to be in a good place which after a lot of years this "stuff"I'm not (but getting there) .

I'm not under any illusion that my DM will not like me going full NC with DS ...so I'm just slowly fading away... while I get stronger. We have also had a death in the family so that hasn't helped.

I have to work on my guilt bone which is activated pretty much in a blink of a eye.

It's all a rather messy process. Im sad, angry and at times grieving, because this is a personality disorder and it's sad because she didn't ask for it and it won't get fixed. But I have to do what will keep me and more importantly my child safe. ❤️