In all.honesty does anyone get a bit frustrated by the level of support dc require . ? And if so , what to do about it ?

[Jeeperscreeper]

Spefically those of us who went to uni and were expected to be independant after it. ?
I know the world has changed.

We are supportive and make allowances but we are struggling a bit to get the right balance. Dd seems to not know what direction to go in .whilst this is normal for a 22 year old , the drama around this and the expectation of level of support sometimes seems out of balance?
Backstory. Dd went to uni . Didnt like course. Changed course. Needed help applying as it was competative course. We accepted that school had pushed her to uni and she now re considering. Fair enough . Went over fact that this new course was both tough to get on and do and when qualified it would be a rewarding but very hard profession. Ok . Bought interview outfits.Took dd to interviews all round the country.. paid for us to stay in b and b as night before etc as early interviews. We work.
Dd gets offerd places .. return with her at her request to some open days to decide. Give dd my car as car needed for practice element.
Year later following placement and difficult issues there re practice on ward due to covid. Says its not what she expected.
So gets year out. Gets job. Hates job. Tells us all the time. Finds ideal job. Applies . We buy outfit for interview. Against odds gets it. Does not ask hours . Or rate of pay. Accepts it. Gets contract. Does not want job . Hours v v long.
Back to job hates.
I just feel that am on merry go round. This is seperate from boyfriend issues.
I feel like am wait for next crisis.
I want to be supportive but not hellicopter parent as she needs to practice independance ..? But doesnt seem to want it. ? It seems like its my life type of thing to her.. but do this and that..
Whilst we are family aibu to be thinkimg dd should refering to us less ? I want her to know she will always be supported but we cant always support in the way she seems to want.
For eg her peers ring their parents daily . She sees it as odd that i dont really want a daily call .. at her age i certainly did not call my parents each day.. aibu to try to get a balance of needs here .. ? She seems to think we are good parents if we call a lot wereas we dont feel we should feel we must but feel judged . Is this a generational thing to want to be in contact so much as they are used to phones all the time ? I never anticipated so much invilvment and I have told her that just because we do not ring each day at a set time like other parents we seem to get compared to , this does not mean we do not love her dearly .. we do .
Is this poss because we were expected to independant wereas the world has changed ?!!!!! Thank you

I mean I fully recognise that I had similar feelings and issues at this age
. It is just that did not tell my parents each and every bit .

Adult dc that is .

I know a few people like your daughter and I am baffled at the amount of help they seem to require from their parents even when in their 30’s and have their own kids, in all honesty though you raised her to be this way. I was told if I want a car I need to get a job and pay for it myself, same with interview clothing, I had no help applying to university or for jobs (neither of my parent went to university so couldn’t have helped me much anyway ) and didn’t expect any. I think you need to start saying no, she makes these demands because she knows you’ll do them. My parents were always saying no to me when I was a teen/early twenties and although I hated it at the time it’s done me well.

Ok. I don't think you've got the balance right at all. You do far too much for her, my guess would be you always have done, (note another thread going on at the moment about a 12 yr old who can't walk home from school alone) amd now she just expects it. Sorry.

Honestly, she's your DD. She's asking for your support. You need to give it. She hasn't got the resilience you expect of her, but there you go. You don't stop being a parent at 18.

I think if you gave your daughter more unconditional emotional support she would demand less of you.

I empathise with her as my dad (only surviving parent) was similar with me at that age and always has been.

Are you really listening to her? Is she feeling pushed into stuff and trying to please you rather than knowing what she really wants.

It sounds like there’s no solid base for her. She must realise you are pissed off with her and resentful. That’s what’s causing the problem here, I reckon.

No amount of money thrown at her will fix this. She just needs you to connect and listen and your unconditional love.

I agree with PP re. Practical/financial stuff, I forgot to say, but emotional support, no.

I know what you mean about the car. However , dd could not get to do the practice placements for uni without it . As the uni placed her in a rural hospital. Another parent bought a brand new car for the same reason.
I agree we do too much .
Please can anyone maje suggestions how to alter this .. it does not feel right to pull the rug from under her all of a sudden.. so we need to take responsibilty for this ( raising expectation ) and wean both dd and us from this position .
Idea s most welcome and appriciated.
She asked us to go to med degree interviews with her as she was really anxious . Other parents did go . I think we feel overwhelmed and need to reasess and would appriciate positive advice on how to do this .!

The measure of your parenting shouldn't be based on whether she thinks you call more or less than her peers. It sounds like the whole friendship group have an unhealthy expectation of how much hand holding adults get.

There comes a point where people have to learn to stand on their own two feet. For most this is during school where they learn to fail, mess up, get things wrong, and work it out knowing that the support is there at home to guide them. It sounds like your DD has got confused between expecting a parent to guide vs expecting a parent to 'do for her'. She also seems confused between a parent supporting a child through a rough patch, helping them onto their feet again, with parents who swoop in to catch them every single time and protect them from the consequences of their actions.

Bloody hell, you seriously need an apron cutting programme to start today.

She is getting FAR FAR too much help from you, and it clearly isn't doing her a bit of good. At least she isn't still living at home - but I'm guessing you are helping her financially more than you outline above?

I do think it's true that the generation gap has closed, and helicopter parenting into university is common... but what you are describing is some way beyond that. I am very doubtful her peers all talk to their parents every day, but suspect those that do have moved onto a friendship led relationship rather than maintaining a FT parent child relationship.

Given that she is so dependant, I do think you need to talk about it before you start the full change. I would set up a zoom or go see her for walk and say you are really concerned how dependant on you she is at 22 - it isn't healthy, and you want to help her grow into adulthood. So, you want her to start figuring out how to manage her own job changes etc, and while you will be here for top level advice you want her to start managing more on her own. It would probably be good to reduce calls to a couple a week. And you will be limiting financial handouts - because being bought clothes and ferrying around like a 15 year old is clearly not helping her. If you can afford it you might consider paying for a few months counselling to work through why she has got emotionally stuck in her teens - but you may feel she'll transfer her dependancy onto her therapist, so it's best left.

For her sake you do need to start this. Her behaving like this at 30 will be a nightmare, and also she is quite likely to be looking for daddy in a relationship and may end up in a controlling relationship - and in a financially vulnerable place if she doesn't manage to get a career going.

Dd knows she has unconditional love. She knows we do not expect her to get a degree. I have said to her we love her and just want her to be happy and that we love her whatever she does.

When I was that age, I got a £200 car to run me to university and back, bought from my own wages.... There are ways of helping and not creating overdependence.

Lougle .yes. we have got in a mess I think . What ways do you spefically mean ?

I know what you mean op.

I went to uni in 2002. Had 2 jobs while doing course. I was considered to be "adult", from then I was responsible for myself. My parents kindly came with a van to move me from 3rd year house to my new lodgings and from then I was off...they would have helped if I'd asked but it wasn't the thing then.

Honestly I think my Dad would have been pissed off in your DDs situation. Didn't she ask about salary and hours? Why? Some of my friends had kids by then.

I suspect it’s not so much the level of support that’s the issue here, it’s the level of drama and mind changing.

If she was generally happy and settled a daily call would probably seem fine as it would just be a quick hi how’s things, rather than a draining complaint-fest.

It seems like perhaps she has unrealistic expectations of how much she will enjoy work. Work is hard, especially the early years when you’re junior and learning. If it was all fun they wouldn’t call it work. I’d tell her she either needs to stick to current job or go back the one she had a year off from (nursing?)

Well, you can't fix all her problems. And I wonder if you've fallen into a pattern of trying to fix things for her because you think that if she's happy she'll be more independent. You can fully support her emotionally without having all the practical answers.

So, I agree that going to interviews is fine. But if she's turning down a job because she doesn't want it, it's perfectly ok to say 'ok, what's your plan B and how are you going to fund that?'

All the replies giving their experiences, are not really that relevant.

I was v independent from 18.

However... I made shit choices and had crap mental health. Although I am very tough I wouldn't want my children to suffer like I did.

My DC are early & mid teens. I think by adulthood they will still want me to support and help them. In the world as it is now, I do think parents need to help their children for longer than previous generations and I'm not going to feel bad about that.

It seems like perhaps she has unrealistic expectations of how much she will enjoy work. Work is hard, especially the early years when you’re junior and learning. If it was all fun they wouldn’t call it work
I had this chat with a family friend's child. They're going into the same area as me, but found their placement hard and now they don't know if they want to work in teaching. They want a profession job that pays a graduate salary without putting in the hours that an entry level position in most professions requires. Before they've even started they're talking about how they don't know how their mental health will cope with long days and didn't seem that intested in my practical advice to starting off well.

Louge. You have hit the nail on the head. I think we have got into a pattern of helping in part because we feel of she is happy then we will get a rest .

I think smart phones have made us used to be in touch more.

My parents wouldn't even have thought of calling each other all day, but DH and I are whatsapping all the time.
When we are busy, we ignore. We are just in touch for no particular reason.

It's difficult to tell you to teach her to stick with things now she is 22!
Bit late, and it's normal to support your kids.

I would probably make it clear that my financial support needs to see a bit of hard work and consistency in return. There's only so many "didn't like the course, it's too hard" I would bother with.

I do expect for my kids to be in touch every couple of weeks or so, I hope they'd be too busy to bother every day.

We are in lockdown, so for that, i'd cut people some slack.

I have no idea how to vote as am not sure even what that question is,

but

I'm most inclined to agree with ElsieBear in the first response.
Because you are choosing to do all that for your dd doesn't actually mean "their generation".
I have dc (24, 22, and 19) who understood that factoring things like travel into their choice of course / university was part of it. Who have paid for their own car and connected expenses when they decided they needed one.

I mean, I do roll my eyes at quite a few posts on the Higher Education Board, from helicopter parents and even more so on WIWIKAU but I do treat that very much as the exception, not the rule, in the same ways as when I see a thread on the Relationships board, I understand it doesn't reflect the overwhelming majority of people in happy, stable relationships, but that people only post when there is an issue.

I can't believe the level of involvement they expect nowadays. I would have hated my mother to be meddling in every aspect of my life. But I suspect you've brought it on yourself. How many interview outfits does she need for heaven's sake! You certainly shouldn't be going to interviews with her - just say no, she's an adult. If she's that immature she shouldn't be working in a hospital! Anxiety is a normal fact of life, not a reason for total collapse. And a weekly phonecall sounds plenty - how much is there to say! But maybe start with a firm conversation that it is not your job to smooth every obstacle from her path through adult life.

Lola . Yes ,dh and I both had very hard professional jobs. We did talk about the reality.. seeing loss , death, drug use, domestic abuse .. as well as the joys of a vocation type job. She said she had thought about the second ( medical ) degree and it was her passion.

I agree that she appears confused between a parent being there to support in an emergency and still being 'Mummy and Daddy' and paying for/sorting everything out.

I have children in their mid to late 20s and so do many of my friends. All of us waved them off to uni (or work) at 18 and that was basically it. They came home in holidays - but worked (we live in a tourist area) and they saved up for their next year. Two of my DC worked through Uni (one did shifts in Tesco and the other was nursing so did a bit of bank care home work).

They didn't expect financial help once they'd gone to uni. They got grants and loans. I don't earn enough to ever have anything spare. In an emergency I could probably run into my overdraft and lend one of them a couple of hundred quid if they were desperate. I have done once or twice, and they've paid it back.

But they weren't at 22 either emotionally or financially dependent on me. They were adults.

I'd be a bit concerned at your DD applying for med degrees whilst needing so much hand holding, to be honest. Medicine (as you've acknowledged) is high pressure and long hours and candidates/junior doctors need to be tough, self sufficient and mentally capable.

I'd step back quite a lot. It's probably time for a bit of tough love where you say, Well, I'm sorry you hate your job. Lots of people do. You're a grown up now, so you'll either have to stick it out or start looking round for another one. It's your life and your choice. Love you.

@katy1213 I do hope you don't work in a job that requires empathy.