In all.honesty does anyone get a bit frustrated by the level of support dc require . ? And if so , what to do about it ?

[Jeeperscreeper]

Spefically those of us who went to uni and were expected to be independant after it. ?
I know the world has changed.

We are supportive and make allowances but we are struggling a bit to get the right balance. Dd seems to not know what direction to go in .whilst this is normal for a 22 year old , the drama around this and the expectation of level of support sometimes seems out of balance?
Backstory. Dd went to uni . Didnt like course. Changed course. Needed help applying as it was competative course. We accepted that school had pushed her to uni and she now re considering. Fair enough . Went over fact that this new course was both tough to get on and do and when qualified it would be a rewarding but very hard profession. Ok . Bought interview outfits.Took dd to interviews all round the country.. paid for us to stay in b and b as night before etc as early interviews. We work.
Dd gets offerd places .. return with her at her request to some open days to decide. Give dd my car as car needed for practice element.
Year later following placement and difficult issues there re practice on ward due to covid. Says its not what she expected.
So gets year out. Gets job. Hates job. Tells us all the time. Finds ideal job. Applies . We buy outfit for interview. Against odds gets it. Does not ask hours . Or rate of pay. Accepts it. Gets contract. Does not want job . Hours v v long.
Back to job hates.
I just feel that am on merry go round. This is seperate from boyfriend issues.
I feel like am wait for next crisis.
I want to be supportive but not hellicopter parent as she needs to practice independance ..? But doesnt seem to want it. ? It seems like its my life type of thing to her.. but do this and that..
Whilst we are family aibu to be thinkimg dd should refering to us less ? I want her to know she will always be supported but we cant always support in the way she seems to want.
For eg her peers ring their parents daily . She sees it as odd that i dont really want a daily call .. at her age i certainly did not call my parents each day.. aibu to try to get a balance of needs here .. ? She seems to think we are good parents if we call a lot wereas we dont feel we should feel we must but feel judged . Is this a generational thing to want to be in contact so much as they are used to phones all the time ? I never anticipated so much invilvment and I have told her that just because we do not ring each day at a set time like other parents we seem to get compared to , this does not mean we do not love her dearly .. we do .
Is this poss because we were expected to independant wereas the world has changed ?!!!!! Thank you

This is what I hate about my generation so much. I am 23, this is all I have seen at uni and in the work place. I hate to say it, you sound like lovely parents but so you know what the problem is...your parenting! I didn’t have that kind of support and I’ve -shock- just got on with it. I’m sorry but you’re being way too involved. She needs to make her own mistakes and feel them, like the rest of us do. Not have her parents buy her the perfect outfit for an interview at 22 and then shoulder her emotional well-being. Please step back or else that will be your issue for the next 10 years.

For goodness sake, you need to step back and push her to be more independent. I was more independent that her at 15! And by the time I was 22, I'd been working full time for 6 years, lived on my own in a different town 40min away from my parents and had my own car. Why are you buying her interview outfits? I'm all for parents to being involved (I'm very close to mine) but you're not doing her any favours by mollycoddling her. It starts with the small things like the outfits, if she wants new interview outfits then she pays for them. At the moment she doesn't have to take any responsibility for herself.

I do think that this generation - born after approximately 1997/8 is much younger generally than those born in the 1970s

They have been kept in education much longer and those born in the 1970 were patented by those born during the war or just after and had a different outlook. The helicopter parenting and the peer pressure from those ripples has effected progression of independence

Hi OP, I am one of those children! I am 31 , married with a child of my own and I honestly rely on my mum and dad (particularly mum) so much. In terms of financially, this has become less as obviously. I would say I relied on them financially until about 22. Obviously I work now, bought my own car, have a mortgage etc . But I would always go to my mum first in any problem, crisis, for advice about jobs, children anything. I wouldnt dream of making a big decision eg buying a house without asking her advice first. My dad comes round to change my flat tyres etc !! It’s just how we are, best friends and I’ve always gone to her for anything. I know I am lucky but I do not feel embarrassed as I often say ‘sorry mum you’d think I’d have life sorted by now!’ And she comments she will always support me when she can.

I was also completely aimless until about 23/24. In and out of home, dropped out of uni, went on a gap year (I did save for this myself with a part time job) and still didn’t know what I wanted to do! I did a mature uni course at 25 and I’m still in that job now.

You’re daughter won’t be relying on you forever but in my opinion and based on my own and peers experience she’s still really young and only just an adult really.

I get your parents want to help but would you or your husband want to know how to say change a tyre without dad ?

That does sound like a worry op, especially the complaining about her job. No wonder you don't want a daily phone call if it's to listen to her whine.

I think you need to talk with her about how you are a real person too. Ask her if she has ever considered whether you like your job and if not, why doesn't she know that?

You need to encourage her to see the world beyond her own nose.

@Raxer26A probably a good point but plenty of time for that when I have to change my own kids tires haha!

Would you want the same level of helping for your children ?

@Jeeperscreeper

I can hear lots of signs of low self esteem from your DD. The shape shifting, defensiveness when criticised, bitchy friends she couldt break free from and anxiety in the not wanting to be alone.

It sounds like you have supported her a lot in the past and she is now dependant on you. I would suggest both of you would benefit from counselling.

I totally understand it's not easy. I have a young daughter who I see the same issues with and it takes a certain style if parenting with lots if coaching to work through. We all try our best- some kids are harder than others.

Just might be worth thinking about whether her lack of confidence has parallels with yours as a parent. Or her vacillation has echoes in your parenting (and her dads of course) of unsureness about how to parent. You sound like you really love her. What also comes across to me is a mother full of uncertainty, loss of confidence, resentment but kindness, caring but frustrated.

Previous posters suggesting parents should support their adult children emotionally, i agree- to a point. There has to be the transition to independent adulthood somewhere where it becomes a two way support. By 30yo I had supported one parent who died of cancer and the other who was seriously ill on two occasions. One if the occasions I had my 9 months old baby crawling round whilst emptying commodes, cooking cleaning for my parent and baby with no other help. Your parents are not immortal, they will need your support at some point.

Tell her to watch this:

I think you need to wean her off or you will still be in this position when she is 40. A friend of mine is like this with her mum and even at 36 with kids of her own she can't make her own appointments/ pay her way/ function as an adult becausr her mum does everything for her and it always available. It's like she is still a teeneager.
I would suggest, as others have said, being unavailable more often and batting problems back to her to think about rather than jumping in with a solution.
I do think your daughter could benefit from some therapy, too.

My goodness! 30yr olds relying on their parents to make decisions and appointments for them?? Changing tyres on a regular basis and not a once off?? Have ye no self respect??

It really doesn't help prepare them for adult working life either. They expect to be mollycoddled through their jobs too.

If your DD still lives in the family home, it is much easier to swap jobs that she doesn't like, because she has support from you

I think that you need to have a conversation & say that she is an adult now

Moving out to live in a rented shared accommodation or bedsit would help

She needs to make some of her own decisions & learn from them

This generation of young people really need to be taught resilience .
I don’t think most of them would have been able to cope with the the type of things that those born and brought up in the 70’s had to endure

@weightedblanketlove

Previous posters suggesting parents should support their adult children emotionally, i agree- to a point. There has to be the transition to independent adulthood somewhere where it becomes a two way support. By 30yo I had supported one parent who died of cancer and the other who was seriously ill on two occasions. One if the occasions I had my 9 months old baby crawling round whilst emptying commodes, cooking cleaning for my parent and baby with no other help. Your parents are not immortal, they will need your support at some point.

This is a very good point. I think a lot of young adults have a defining moment of growing up when they're needed for support for parents and grandparents.

The roles may become reversed in time

Perhaps when you are elderly 80+, you will be contacting her for daily chats & support

Has your DD even thought that this may occur ?

@Lampzade

This generation of young people really need to be taught resilience . I don’t think most of them would have been able to cope with the the type of things that those born and brought up in the 70’s had to endure

Well they've coped with a pandemic, so they seem to be doing ok.

@ivykaty44

I do think that this generation - born after approximately 1997/8 is much younger generally than those born in the 1970s

They have been kept in education much longer and those born in the 1970 were patented by those born during the war or just after and had a different outlook. The helicopter parenting and the peer pressure from those ripples has effected progression of independence

I agree with this so much - even down to the dates! My brother and I were in our late teens and twenties when our younger half siblings were born (in 1978, 1980 and 1983) and they are so different to us in terms of maturity and standing on their own 2 feet. They've all had substantial loans and gifts from their parents, had times of living at home well into their 30s (one of them has never left home actually). My step mother was making Drs appointments for her youngest when he was about 25.

You (one) make your children helpless if you hover over them all the time. I'm not saying this is what you have done OP, just generally. Snowflake is a bit of an insulting term but there's a grain of truth in there.

“As a GP... I’ve also had mothers accompany their twenty and thirtysomething children to an appt. to some degree if it’s young 20s and it’s a mental health issue or whatever I think fair enough, or obviously if there is a major learning disability or whatever that’s also different but when they are 38 worth no health problems and coming to speak to you about abdominal pain I find it super weird that they bring threir mum into the consulting room.”

@Mygardenisnotperfect

I have taken my mum into various consultations because I am terrible at advocating for myself after some previous bad experiences with GP’s who don’t take females or anything that’s wrong with them seriously. It’s basically having someone in your corner to help you say the things you want to say rather than the GP ignoring, dismissing and rushing you.

For example, I injured my knee playing a sport. Went to GP four times who continually refused to refer me for an MRI and instead told me I had pain because I was fat. No, I had pain because I had torn my meniscus whilst playing a sport. It took so long to get a referral I also developed a trauma induced cartilage ulcer and as a result I’ve had to give up my sport. Or, when I went to try and talk about a referral for autism assessment I got “you don’t look autistic, so no I’m not referring you”. I went private in the end and have recently been diagnosed as autistic. Or when I had a colposcopy after an abnormal smear test and mentioned to the doctor there I had extremely irregular periods and she told me to see my GP about it......who did nothing, brushed it off and it’s never been mentioned again. Or the GP who puts everything down to “female anxiety” even when it’s not......B12 deficiency for example. Or the multiple GPs that refused to believe there was a problem when I spent 4 and a half years experiencing bouts of abdo pain, vomiting etc...it was all to do with my periods and anxiety apparently. Except actually it was a grumbling appendix that eventually burst.

There is usually a reason a patient brings an advocate with them and that reason is usually because GPs have treated them badly.

She is your child, she is asking for support, why wouldn’t you support her? She obviously is unsure what to do, does she suffer from anxiety should she consider seeing her gp?

At 22 sone people had left home, some people are still at home, you get old 22 year olds and young 22 year olds

Couch questions to her so she has to think, so if she asks what she should do, ask her what she wants to do, if she says she doesn’t know get her to make a pro and cons list and come back, start to loosen ties slowly

OP children are very different ... yours sounds like she has very low self esteem. She has an unusually high need to have attention paid to her, and feel cared for...this is something you must fix

They have been kept in education much longer and those born in the 1970 were parented by those born during the war or just after and had a different outlook. The helicopter parenting and the peer pressure from those ripples has effected progression of independence

I was born in the late 1950s to parents who were children in war time. They hardly knew I existed, I was independent as a 12 year old. I don't remember them ever having any interest in what I did at school, I was helping them financially at 18.

It made me do things very differently for my DC born in the 90s. They are adults but will get my help and support both emotionally and financially as long as they need it. So far this hasn't backfired and they are both hard working and settled.